km Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Just once, I wish my husband could "take charge" in our marriage, when it mattered, instead of taking charge when it's trivial and not pitching in at all, in terms of decision making and emotional strength, when I need him to. I wanted a strong man; I got a cold man who wouldn't know mature it if bit him in the ass. <end of vent> Link to post Share on other sites
Author km Posted September 16, 2005 Author Share Posted September 16, 2005 I'm going to reply to my own post just to say that I do not feel supported, in this marriage. Even when we're getting along, he doesn't support me -- just is "with" me. I have to honestly say that I don't really support him much, either -- but that's because, when I try to do something supportive, I usually get shot down, one way or another. Sorry... bad night. And I'm feeling very alone, but without the luxury of being able to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Have you talked with him about how this makes you feel? How about marriage counseling? Do you feel thats an option for you both? Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Shiraz Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Sorry to hear your having a tough time. I can relate to the feelings of frustration and lonliness I live that to with my guy. Your not alone. Chat all you want here. You'll get lots of support. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 I'm with you. I felt that way in my first marriage, which is a large reason that I'm divorced and remarried to a guy who supports me! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Just once, I wish my husband could "take charge" in our marriage, when it mattered, What you mean, KM, is when it matters to YOU. The ironic thing is that when he actually does start to do what you want then you'll begin to view him as weak and spineless... Link to post Share on other sites
Shiraz Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 I don't agree with this! What you mean, KM, is when it matters to YOU. The ironic thing is that when he actually does start to do what you want then you'll begin to view him as weak and spineless... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Why must he 'take charge'? Why can't you work as a team? And, BTW, teams talk about what they need to do and how to do it and they plan together - they don't just expect each other to know what to do and do it with no negotiation or planning. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Alpha, Once again, not all women mind it when their guy shows their supportive side. Just because you've had experience with the other, does not mean we're all like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Shiraz Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 I can understand when you say, once in a while you want him to take charge. Sometimes we are burntout and just need to shut down, not make decisions. That goes both ways to. It would be nice on those days, if some one would just take over, and give you a chance to recouperate. Is this what you mean when you say you want him to take charge at times? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Alpha, Once again, not all women mind it when their guy shows their supportive side. there is nothing wrong with a man being sensitive and supportive on occasion but if he makes it a matter of habit then women tend to see him as weak and pathetic.... that is the real world, MZ PIXIE Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 That's your world Alpha. Link to post Share on other sites
MAINMAN1 Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 I am a man in his late twenties who was exactly like the man who you describe and my longtime partner (soon to be wife) felt many of the same emotions that you felt. We went on a painfull emotional journey to get through it - mostly because we hung on to our initial attraction, and because we deep down still felt 'something'- but we got through it and it was worth it. As near as I can tell, here was the source of our problems, and the solution. 1. I was very self centered and emotionaly immature. 2. We were raised with different values - small facet of the problem but it did contribute to our disconnect 3. We didnt communicate well because each of us feared the response the other would give or feared we would "get shot down". Look at these things and you are probably like "duh!", right? RIGHT! but get this. the solution to our dilemma was simply these two things... Understanding the basics of what women/men want and IMPROVING COMMUNICATION again "duh!" right? well here is all you have to do. Pick a time when the kids are in bed. Go up to your man and tell him in a confident voice that you "need to talk to him about some things that are important to you" if he cares about you he will listen. Tell him what you really want to get form your partner - dont bull*&t either. Women always say they want a man who is funny, smart, kind, sensitive - This is all crap. They want a man who is Confident, in command of himself-life-a situation-whatever (this comes from having control, self-control) and a man who is a Challenge. Yep thats right ... think about it - thats what women really want and it explains alot about why 'too-nice' guys annoy women - not attract them. So tell him what you want - not what he does wrong! and say it in terms that make him feel like you are in the relationship with him for the long haul (even if you arent always so sure). Im not saying lie to him - but dont make him insecure because you will just interfere with getting what you want. And believe me he knows deep down that things are far from perfect. If he cares about you - then these problems you speak of can be fixed with the right help. Once you've got his attention and have sat down to begin talking say "I want this talk to be different than our past talks... I want to tell you some things on my mind and I want to listen to what you think after I have had a chance to tell you my side of things - please dont interupt or respond until I finish" Then - only if he agrees - you talk - openly and honestly but without BLAME! if you expect him to be in control of himself you have to control yourself and Blame will kill this little experiment of yours faster than a nuclear holocaust. Lay out your needs so he can have some 'goals' he can pursue to 'fix' the relationship - Guys are problem solvers by nature and although he may not always throw the garbage or pick up his dirty underwear he probably does care about you alot and wants you to be happy. If you give him a clear problem he can find a way to fix it if he listens and cares. Alot of guys who are going through problems with their wives tend to respond to their girls complaints with one of two tactics. They get cold and unemotional because they have so many unanalyzed emotions that their verbal response sytem just shuts down. or they start to list all the things they do to support the family as if it carries some weight that will wash away their emotional sins somehow. Talk in blameless terms for about five minutes or so - nothing too lengthy or overwhelming - and then just listen to him. Let him respond without any response or interuption from you (if you must respond do it like this "i see - so you must feel like (insert some deeper feeling your partner has that has gone unverbalized but is obvious). this is called listening with empathy and is crucial to him feeling like you care about really getting to the bottom of how each of you feels about things. After you talk let things go for a day or so, then comment on things in the same format - after kids are in bed, no distractions, etc. Also, If he starts interupting or throwing insults or bringing up hurtfull things from the past just cut the conversation off immediatley and let him know you came to him and had your relationship's health at heart and he basically just f*&'ed it up by being hurtfull and then just go silent and avoid him until the next day and you can either await his apology after he's considered his colosall mistake and take advantage of his apologizing to set up another 'talk' - or if he does not apologize then you must demand counselling or a divorce. period. good luck, I hope it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 KM: Some guys don't do or say much, because they don't want to be criticized. Let's face it, people like things done a certain way. Let's say that you like your dainties folded a certain way when they are pulled from the dryer, but your husband doesn't fold them the way you like. You might sigh at him or fold them after he has folded them, but what he understands is that he didn't do it to your satisfaction. After a couple applications of this, he will stop folding your dainties - or ALL the laundry. His way isn't "wrong," but it isn't what you like. Folded underwear probably isn't real important to him, but it might be to you. You should also look into his fear of being embarassed by a wrong decision, his fear of making a financial mistake, his fear of feeling like a failure. He might also feel that he doesn't know enough about the topic to make a good decision. And some people think that if they ignore a problem, it will go away. Do you ever ask him for his opinion so that he can get used to both of you making decisions together? (And so that he feels his thoughts are important.) Mz. Pixie: Are you SURE we weren't married to the SAME guy? Alpha: I sure wish you would find a GOOD woman to show you what one is like . . . Had my husband taken part in our marriage, I would NOT have thought of him as weak and spineless. Rather I would have thought of him as my important other half, my friend . . . and the marriage probably would have lasted. Outcast: That's a good post. Marriage IS about working as a team. Wish mine would have worked that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Lil Honey- Could be....... I didn't want him to always be in charge and carry the load but let's say when I was sick or in the hospital or my mother was dying then it would have been nice if he could have at least kept the laundry up. We women are strong, but we get tired of always carrying the load and always being the one who takes care of everything. I just wanted a partner. I didn't want to be carried but more sharing of the load. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 Yep. Same guy. He wanted to buy lumber when my dad died. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 OMG! My exh couldn't be bothered to come home early from work so I could get to the hospital when my mom was dying. It wasn't a "good time for him". It IS the same guy! Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 Hey Km, I can so relate to you about what you are saying.. i feel whether or not we are getting along or no i have no support in this marriage either.. i feel that my h is very selfish and cares about how he is treated and not how he treats others .. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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