Asked for space but not a break Up

[Whatnow8599]

This is my 1st ever post but im a bit at a loss here. Me and my partner have a great relationship, new years eve we discussed living together and she actually cried at midnight saying how much she loves me. She even added an Instagram post new years day of us together and it says 'best new years ever with my man'. We are also not kids, im 32 shes 28.

 

I was cheated on by my ex so id say the only issue with me is sometimes i get insecure. She goes out with friends and we dont argue she can do anything she likes im not the type to stop her or question her and for me i love her so much because i didnt think i could trust anyone again and i do.

 

Anyway we had a disagreement on the 2nd of January in the morning. It was because we hadnt had sex for a week then we did nye night. I cant believe how it turned into this big argument as to me it was just a disagreement that got heated yet it started out as a nice conversation. She started the conversation by saying shes sorry we havent had sex latelt and nye was perfect. I wish looking back id just said 'its fine' but i stupidly asked if the reason was she'd gone off it a little with me. She got angry and we argued. I think she took it as me being insecure which looking back it was. Whats annoyed me though is the argument didnt seem to be about anything other than tension that we'd had this amazing new years then ruined it with a silly argument.

 

She then asked for space, i got worried because why need space for something so small but i knew i had to respect what she wanted too. I said fine and left her house. I then text her saying i dont do breaks. She replied how she doesnt want a break but does wanr space as shes visiting a friend for the weekend yet this was Tuesday evening? I asked if that also meant no contact as we've always spoke daily, she said yes. She then text me saying how she'll be back sunday and would like to go out for a meal, this isnt a break up she loves me to pieces and wants to have some space then start with a clean slate sunday to plan our future.

So i asked if we are still together to which she said yes.

 

I dont know how to take it. We havent spoken since and im shocked she hasnt missed me enough to talk. She usually likes every post i add to instagram yet i added one 2 days ago of some nice scenery from my run id been on, she hasnt liked it. Im worried all the signs are shes checked out, yet her last text tuesday said she loves me, doesnt want to break up and wants to meer sunday (tomorrow) im so nervous she'll cancel and ive waited for nothing.

 

I am lost that nye we discussed living together and now she doesnt even want to contact me all week.

Edited January 5, 2019 by Whatnow8599

[ExpatInItaly]

You say you get insecure sometimes - how often do that happen, and what do you say or do?

 

In order to understand her frame of mind right now, we could benefit from more context about your relationship prior to this argument. I am trying to determine whether she simply feels smothered or if there is something more going on with her.

[Whatnow8599]

I never accuse her as i know that'll end badly and i trust her so i dont need to. But i would say my insecurity is more things like for example... a new guy started at her work, she kept saying how nice he was and i asked her is he good looking. That turned into an argument. Annoyingly i know im doing it and know i dont even need to ask but after being cheated on its changed me a little. It actually annoys me and i have worked on fixint it and as weve grown together i have stopped doing it. Its just a shame now that she knows im insecure and in turn i know its a turn off.

 

Before i was cheated on i was completly different and i know ill get back to being that old me but im worried my current gf will now leave due to this argument and to be honest id be heartbroken if she left especially after talking houses together.

[d0nnivain]

Space makes things worse not better. Here since it's only a week, abide by her wishes but make sure you talk as soon as that week is over. You let it go any longer & it's over.

 

Unfortunately I see 3 things at play here.

 

1). The seriousness of possibly living together is scaring her. It's a big step. If you two haven't dated for at least 1 year, back off this plan. You need more time together as a couple before playing house. Just postpone the move

 

2). When you mentioned about no sex for a whole week (please hear the sarcasm dripping off my emphasis of the phrase) she wondered if you cared about her vs just wanting a steady sex.

 

3). You have repeatedly stated in this thread you don't "accuse" your GF of anything. However when you asked about the looks of the guy at work that was an unspoken accusation & it was your insecurity showing loud & clear. It's highly unattractive. She is aware that your EX cheated on you. That can change a person but it's unfair for you to punish your GF for your EX's bad behavior. As the deepening if your relationship

[Whatnow8599]

Space makes things worse not better. Here since it's only a week, abide by her wishes but make sure you talk as soon as that week is over. You let it go any longer & it's over.<snip>

 

I agree and i dont want to punish her as shes done nothing wrong to warrant it. I am trying and i know ill get all sorts of stick for it but its not something im wanting to do. I just hope we meet tomorrow and i will work my ass off to stop doing it if that's whats caused this. I just dont know whether tomorrow is going to go ahead or not. Im focusing on work and personal things but everything is hard work. Watching films i notice i zone out then lose interest in the film etc. I feel like im in limbo as i know in 24 hours ill know whether im losing her or not.

Edited January 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[nolanola]

I strongly agree with a few things that d0nnivain said. Women want to feel cherished, not like a receptacle for sex. I know that wasn't your intention, but it might have come across that way.

You've got to get past your insecurities. I have been cheated on too and it sucks. It really messed with my head too. However, you are going to drive a wedge in your relationship if you keep showing that you don't trust her. And that's what you're doing when you ask whether the new guy is good looking. You're basically saying "I'm worried you're going to take up with this new guy". You have to trust her. If you can't, then there is no sense in being in a relationship.

 

I think the best path here is to give her the space she's asked for. That shows some security on your part if you're not pestering her with questions and texts when she's asked for space. You can't control what she does. When she comes back, sit down with her and genuinely apologize. Ask her what she sees as the major issues and really listen with becoming defensive.

[Whatnow8599]

I strongly agree with a few things that d0nnivain said. Women want to feel cherished, not like a receptacle for sex. I know that wasn't your intention, but it might have come across that way.<snip>

 

Thats the chance im hoping ill get as when i was cheated on it hurt me a lot but i didnt think it would affect my next relationship. If it does/has then i already know this will feel unbearable as my ex who cheated is now with a different man, living together and happy, it feels like cheating is the only bad thing you can do in life where the person who does it doesnt actually get punished yet the person who didnt deserve it gets the punishment 10 fold.

 

I know if id met my current partner before my ex we'd be solid

Edited January 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[kgcolonel]

So Whatnow, I don't know if you have any idea of the friend she is going to visit. Is this a female or male?

 

dOnnivain is correct, insecurity is very unattractive to the ladies as it is to men. That said, you might do well to seek some help as to how to curb this characteristic. Seems you unfortunately may not be ready for a new relationship as you're not recovered from being cheated on....trust me, I know.

 

I was cheated on by a fiance' while in college and it took quite a while to recover.

[Whatnow8599]

So Whatnow, I don't know if you have any idea of the friend she is going to visit. Is this a female or male?

 

dOnnivain is correct, insecurity is very unattractive to the ladies as it is to men. That said, you might do well to seek some help as to how to curb this characteristic. Seems you unfortunately may not be ready for a new relationship as you're not recovered from being cheated on....trust me, I know.

 

I was cheated on by a fiance' while in college and it took quite a while to recover.

 

Its a woman friend i know shes not the type to do thay either thats why i dont want to lose her. As shes helped me through it all. As i say ive got a lot better thanks to her also but feel like me relapsing on the 2nd shes pulled away.

[Whatnow8599]

I don't know whether to cut my losses now as this is all just making me anxious. I feel like it would actually be easier knowing so i can just try to move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

See how things go after you two come together again.

 

Several days worth of space with a request for no contact is not a good sign. I see a girl who's got some resentment built up against you and she's probably not been as happy as you thought for a little while. This isn't to say you two cannot work this out, but any time someone pulls back from a relationship, you should be concerned.

 

Have an open conversation with her when you meet, and really listen to what she has to say.

[Redhead14]

Any time someone shows or tells me that they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. If they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft.

 

Give her a week, not much more. If she contacts you within that time period, you meet with her for a reasonable discussion. If she takes longer than that, you respond and tell her that you've moved on because you do not appreciate being put on a shelf and expected to wait while someone else decides unilaterally what will happen with YOUR life. Stepping away from an argument to let the parties cool off is not a bad thing, putting space between a couple for an extended period of time without dialogue in between is disrespectful.

 

Good luck.

[Whatnow8599]

I know im probably looking for positives but she still has us as her profile photo on Facebook and hasnt changed her status. I know its only facebook but i keep thinking she'd of changed her photo.

 

I really hope she texts me tomorrow as i can already tell its going to be horrible waiting to hear off her as if she doesnt text to arrange the date she wanted ill know its over

 

I just wish i could find something to occupy my mind. Usually i can keep busy easily but everything i love doing i just cant bring myself to do it whike i feel like impending doom is happening.

Edited January 5, 2019 by Whatnow8599

[loversquarrel]

They are 32 &28. OP, you are coming off as needy and insecure, two very unattractive traits and I'd be willing to bet you behave these ways more often than you are letting on. I honestly think she's sick of dealing with it because it's exhausting. She undoubtedly feels uncomfortable with the idea of moving in together because your behavior is turning her off.

 

If you want to save this, which I'm thinking is a bit late, then you need to set some goals for yourself and quick. First off, knock it off with the insecurity. When you start to feel that doubt you need to quell it and turn it into confidence. Second, realize the problem is yours and you need to own it and not bring her into it. Third, don't push for anything and back way off the moving in idea. This will make you look stronger in her eyes and may come as welcome relief. Fourth, if she decides to call it quits let her and do NOT beg and plead. Take it like a man and walk away with zero contact.

 

I would also recommend a therapist to aid you in dealing with being cheated on as this type of baggage can wreak havoc on future relationships if not addressed.

[loversquarrel]

I know im probably looking for positives but she still has us as her profile photo on Facebook and hasnt changed her status. I know its only facebook but i keep thinking she'd of changed her photo.

 

I really hope she texts me tomorrow as i can already tell its going to be horrible waiting to hear off her as if she doesnt text to arrange the date she wanted ill know its over

 

I just wish i could find something to occupy my mind. Usually i can keep busy easily but everything i love doing i just cant bring myself to do it whike i feel like impending doom is happening.

 

Get rid of this mindset asap. She wanted time, give her time. Don't stick around and wait like some lost puppy, it's such a turn off this mindset of yours. Start working out and make yourself a confident individual. If you rush to her side you are giving her all of the control, women don't want that, they would rather be with someone who they know is confident and can provide security rather than drain from it.

[Whatnow8599]

Sunday has arrived, i text her to say lets meet as planned, 4pm. shes postponed until tomorrow. Im reaching a stage where i just feel like cutting my losses now. We've not spoke for 5 days, i respected her wish to not talk at all. Her last msg saud how we will meet sunday and put this all behind us and now shes too tired to meet. A part of me knows i should be patient, another part is saying if shes lost this much interest have some pride and walk away

 

Would you personally wait or just say enoughs enough now? Its starting to feel like some game now.

[elaine567]

Its 24 hours not 6 months, wait it out.

[d0nnivain]

I'd wait until tomorrow but if she doesn't talk you by next weekend, there is no hope.

[Whatnow8599]

Its just frustrating that last night i didnt really sleep as today was the answer. It feels like moving on would be easier than this being in limbo. Im not texting tomorrow and if i hear nothing I'm cutting my losses no matter what the excuse is as i keep puttimg her feelings 1st and neglecting how I'm feeling. This wont be good for my work life if it carries on into another week.

[d0nnivain]

The limbo sucks. You are a wise person for setting deadlines about how much more time you will tolerate evasiveness. I'll keep my fingers crossed that she can be more straightforward soon.

[Whatnow8599]

We shall see but the anxiety is actually making me feel like i don't want to make up. Whether that's the plan here to save her doing it and feeling guilty is a mystery. Ill await tomorrow and have another poor nights sleep when ive got work first thing too.

[Redhead14]

If she doesn't contact you tonight to schedule a time and place for tomorrow, I would block her first thing in the morning. She has disrespected you for too long already. It's outrageous to put you on hold for 5 days, then postpone it and then not confirm with specifics and demonstrate respect for your time and feelings, etc. I am angry for you. I might cut a little slack for postponing, but it doesn't sound like she gave specifics for it. Even if she did, she needs to confirm now that she's initiated the postponement.

 

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

[Whatnow8599]

She says on her 1 text today that her car is in for repairs tomorrow and she wants to come see me and not have me drive. I dont know whats true and whats not anymore but i replied that we need to meet tomorrow and she said 'thank you ill msg you tomorrow'

 

I alreay have a feeling ill hear nothing. Shes also changed her facebook profile picture from us to her and her friends. I think shes pushing hoping i make the decision for her easy way out

 

So i feel tomorrow she'll not contact me or if i do she'll make an excuse to postpone again, cars not fixed or something. She'll be waiting for me to make 1 mistake and itll get jumped on. I did sit here tonight and reverse the roles. I already know if i changed my profile picture, didnt speak to her for 5 days then postponed id know why i was doing it, and it wouldnt be a good reason

Edited January 6, 2019 by Whatnow8599

[d0nnivain]

Alas her wanting to come to you is a bad sign. She is probably going to end things forever & doesn't want to upset you in public or put you in a position where you have to drive after hearing bad news. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I am. Sorry.

[Whatnow8599]

Alas her wanting to come to you is a bad sign. She is probably going to end things forever & doesn't want to upset you in public or put you in a position where you have to drive after hearing bad news. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I am. Sorry.

 

Thata a good point i didnt think of that