Girlfriend sexted - Is it cheating?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Ew. Gross. What a loser. No, just no. Let her go have disappointing sex and realise what a massive mistake she has made.

 

Ew.

 

EW

 

 

 

Maybe so, and the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Ok, so last night I got a text out of the blue from my ex saying "Can't we still be on talking terms?" I responded yes sure and then she responded stating once again that she 'didn't cheat and that she didn't do anything'.

 

What would you make of it, is she trying to get back with me?

[kgcolonel]

This is called "Cheater-Speak". By her rules for her she did nothing wrong. What do you think she would have done had you been chatting up a girl on a dating site??

 

My thinking is that "sure we can be on speaking terms". Let her see how great things are going for you at every chance. How true honest relationships are great when secrets are not had.

 

Next time however, please have a formal agreement about exclusivity and chalk this one up to experience.

 

She's not trustworthy. Think for a minute what would you want from a partner caught doing what she was doing?

[Zahara]

Ok, so last night I got a text out of the blue from my ex saying "Can't we still be on talking terms?" I responded yes sure and then she responded stating once again that she 'didn't cheat and that she didn't do anything'.

 

What would you make of it, is she trying to get back with me?

 

I’m not sure why you’d still want to talk to someone who was cheating on you. If anything you’re teaching her that you accept disrespect.

 

Of course she’s going to say she didn’t do anything wrong. It’s classic textbook cheater speak. I caught my ex with another woman half naked and his response to me the next day — it’s not what you think it is! They minimize it in hopes that you’ll be foolish enough to dismiss it.

 

If anything you’re setting yourself up for possibly weakening and revisiting a relationship that wasn’t working for you based on this thread and your other one. Sometimes it’s best to just sever the cord and move on. Self-preserve. Heal.

[Marc878]

"I deserve the privacy yo cheat"?

 

You see how ludicrous this sounds right?

 

Dump her and move on. She isn't worth your head space.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

This is called "Cheater-Speak". By her rules for her she did nothing wrong. What do you think she would have done had you been chatting up a girl on a dating site??

 

My thinking is that "sure we can be on speaking terms". Let her see how great things are going for you at every chance. How true honest relationships are great when secrets are not had.

 

Next time however, please have a formal agreement about exclusivity and chalk this one up to experience.

 

She's not trustworthy. Think for a minute what would you want from a partner caught doing what she was doing?

 

 

I know what you mean. She would continue to profess her innocence until she's blue in the face. I think if the shoe was on the other foot, then she'd flip if she caught me sexting a girl. I'm not like that anyway and never have and never will cheat, but she on the other hand has shown herself to be a dirty lying sl*t.

 

 

I think as you say I'll need to chalk this one up to experience and take it as a learning curve.

 

 

I would make it clear that to me texting someone else whilst in a relationship with me is a form of cheating and therefore not acceptable. If she doesn't like it, she knows where the door is.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not sure why you’d still want to talk to someone who was cheating on you. If anything you’re teaching her that you accept disrespect.

 

Of course she’s going to say she didn’t do anything wrong. It’s classic textbook cheater speak. I caught my ex with another woman half naked and his response to me the next day — it’s not what you think it is! They minimize it in hopes that you’ll be foolish enough to dismiss it.

 

If anything you’re setting yourself up for possibly weakening and revisiting a relationship that wasn’t working for you based on this thread and your other one. Sometimes it’s best to just sever the cord and move on. Self-preserve. Heal.

 

 

 

I think part of me still wants her in my life in some capacity and that I can't completely let her go because part of me still loves her but can't entirely forgive what she did to me.

 

 

That's horrible what your ex did to you and the fact he made you doubt what you saw, in essence messing with your sanity - that's cruel.

 

 

 

Deep down I know I'd be a stronger person if I just follow the advice given here by everyone and forget about her completely and move on, it will be tough.

 

 

 

 

"I deserve the privacy yo cheat"?

 

You see how ludicrous this sounds right?

 

Dump her and move on. She isn't worth your head space.

 

 

 

Of course this sounds totally insane when you put it like that!

 

 

She isn't worth my time or energy anymore and is not holding herself accountable for her actions.

[Zahara]

 

I think part of me still wants her in my life in some capacity and that I can't completely let her go because part of me still loves her but can't entirely forgive what she did to me.

 

That's horrible what your ex did to you and the fact he made you doubt what you saw, in essence messing with your sanity - that's cruel.

 

Deep down I know I'd be a stronger person if I just follow the advice given here by everyone and forget about her completely and move on, it will be tough.

 

It’s understandable that you still love her and the thought of never speaking to her again is daunting. But that doesn’t justify maintaining a connection to them when they’re a toxic addition to your life. Letting go is difficult. This is when you learn to self-soothe and manage your grief and healing on your own. We often want to keep a foot in the door because we’re afraid to fully let go and face the pain of finality. But it would be wise to face your reality and walk away.

 

Her response to you is indicative that she’s either extremely entitled or has absolutely zero insight into morally acceptable behavior. Both are huge red flags.

 

Moving on is tough. The experience however will be well worth it in the long run.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

It’s understandable that you still love her and the thought of never speaking to her again is daunting. But that doesn’t justify maintaining a connection to them when they’re a toxic addition to your life. Letting go is difficult. This is when you learn to self-soothe and manage your grief and healing on your own. We often want to keep a foot in the door because we’re afraid to fully let go and face the pain of finality. But it would be wise to face your reality and walk away.

 

Her response to you is indicative that she’s either extremely entitled or has absolutely zero insight into morally acceptable behavior. Both are huge red flags.

 

Moving on is tough. The experience however will be well worth it in the long run.

 

 

Exactly this. I simply cannot imagine life without and her in some ways how I'm feeling now (more than a week after dumping her) is that I'd do anything to see her again and hear her voice - but that being said, would upset me too - so really I can't win whatever I do!

 

 

A range of thoughts are going through my mind right now but mainly, why did she contact me? Is she just missing me or does she have an ulterior motive?

 

 

Well I always knew to some extent when I was with her that she was selfish and wouldn't compromise much on things, but I think you are right that she feels entitled to behave like this where in her mind there can be no repercussions, and that I have to take whatever treatment she throws at me.

 

 

Aaaaarrggghhh!!!!

[Zahara]

Exactly this. I simply cannot imagine life without and her in some ways how I'm feeling now (more than a week after dumping her) is that I'd do anything to see her again and hear her voice - but that being said, would upset me too - so really I can't win whatever I do!

 

A range of thoughts are going through my mind right now but mainly, why did she contact me? Is she just missing me or does she have an ulterior motive?

 

Well I always knew to some extent when I was with her that she was selfish and wouldn't compromise much on things, but I think you are right that she feels entitled to behave like this where in her mind there can be no repercussions, and that I have to take whatever treatment she throws at me.

 

Yes, that’s how most of us have felt after a break-up. Finality is unbelievably difficult to accept. It’s the grieving process. You have to face and work through the pain on your own rather than mask it by maintaining a tie to her. That temporary bandaid will soon have to come off.

 

You’re idealizing her rather than focusing on the reality of who she is. Besides, when you allow people like her to rent space in your life, especially when they know you’re still open to them even when they’ve disrespected you, you’re weakening your boundaries and sense of worth.

 

Is she missing you? Maybe you should read your other thread. Remind yourself of your reality. And even if she did, would it matter? She valued you enough to engage/cheat with another man. I wouldn’t place much importance on that question. My guess is that she had the best of both worlds - a safe thing going with you and an escape with him. She’s contacted you because while she wasn’t that invested in you, it was still comforting to have the nice guy sitting on the sidelines. Don’t for one second think that they’re hurting or self-reflecting as much as you are.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

You’re idealizing her rather than focusing on the reality of who she is. Besides, when you allow people like her to rent space in your life, especially when they know you’re still open to them even when they’ve disrespected you, you’re weakening your boundaries and sense of worth.

 

 

I understand what you mean Zahara. By me still looking through the Rose tinted glasses, I'm still essentially putting her on a pedestal and maybe even in denial about what kind of a person she actually is. From her perspective, I go down in her estimations because I'm a doormat and a mug.

 

Is she missing you? Maybe you should read your other thread. Remind yourself of your reality. And even if she did, would it matter? She valued you enough to engage/cheat with another man. I wouldn’t place much importance on that question. My guess is that she had the best of both worlds - a safe thing going with you and an escape with him. She’s contacted you because while she wasn’t that invested in you, it was still comforting to have the nice guy sitting on the sidelines. Don’t for one second think that they’re hurting or self-reflecting as much as you are.

 

 

She hasn't actually said she's missing me, but I probably wrongly assumed that she was from her reaching out to text me last night. I believe that maybe just a small part of her is missing me, but overall she is laughing behind my back.

 

 

She has more negative traits to her than positives, I accept that but part of my always thought that she would change further down the line - but the reality is that these kind of people never do.

 

 

Most 'normal' people in relationships if they detected an issue with the relationship, would talk to their partner about whatever was the problem and try to resolve it. Instead, she has chosen to ignore the problem (not that I believe there were any evident ones) and seek solace and comfort in someone else.

 

 

She wasn't like this at the start of our relationship, I've seen a change to her behaviour in the last few months and the uglier callous side to her becoming more evident.

 

 

She basically just wants her cake from both ends of the loaf and is probably even using the other guy too for her own gratification?

[Zahara]

She wasn’t like this when you first started dating because people are on their best behavior when they’re in the stages of courtship. This is who she really is. It was just masked in order for her to create an attractive package for you to date. She didn’t change over the course of a few months. She just didn’t show you who she truly was.

 

I read you other thread about your ex before this one. That relationship was toxic as well. It’s a blessing that this current ex was short lived. While 7 months is still good enough time to build a strong emotional attachment, you’re lucky to have discovered her for who she is now rather than later. Otherwise, you’d be reliving another nightmare.

 

When you see red flags, you walk away. Don’t try to change someone and don’t ever expect change. We date to find compatibility. We date to find someone that shares our common/core values. Someone that’s already working on the same page as we are. We shouldn’t date someone in hopes that we can change them or they can maybe change themselves to become what we want them to be. That’s a recipe for failure. Especially when you are already seeking “change” this early into a relationship, it’s best to walk away.

 

This will be a good time for you to remove this negative in your life and focus on healing and rebuilding your self-esteem. You’ve had two bad apples in a row and it can really break you down.

Edited January 12, 2019 by Zahara

[Hollywood-Tourist]

UPDATE:

 

My ex has been texting me the last few days (just making small talk) and asking things like how am I doing etc.

 

I have ignored her for a few days and now she's texting me things like are you not speaking to me?

 

I feel like she's stopping me from moving on and more importantly I don't know why she is reaching out to me when I dumped her.

 

I'm inclined just to block her and delete her number.

 

It feels like some game that she's playing with me.

[El Duendecillo]

I'm inclined just to block her and delete her number.

 

 

Why have you not done this already???

 

If you are serious about cutting her loose and moving on with your healing, you must block her everywhere. Phone calls, texts, social media, everywhere!

 

You will never get over her by trying to interpret the breadcrumbs she's leaving for you. Could it be possible that she went and hooked up with the sexting dude, and is now trying to crawl back to you?

 

Whatever her motivations are, maintain strict NC, and block, block, block!

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Why have you not done this already???

 

If you are serious about cutting her loose and moving on with your healing, you must block her everywhere. Phone calls, texts, social media, everywhere!

 

You will never get over her by trying to interpret the breadcrumbs she's leaving for you. Could it be possible that she went and hooked up with the sexting dude, and is now trying to crawl back to you?

 

Whatever her motivations are, maintain strict NC, and block, block, block!

 

 

 

I haven't done this already because part of me is waiting for her to admit guilt for what she did to me (although I realise this will never happen.)

 

 

I actually feel that with her leaving these breadcrumbs that it's quite a cruel thing to do. It's like she's wanting to give me hope that we might get back together, or it could simply be that she cares and is trying to see how I am.

 

 

It might be that she got with the sexting guy as you say but why would she come crawling back? Is it the realisation that the grass isn't always greener on the other side?

 

 

I understand that you're saying to block her, but I just can't seem to do that just yet. I'm still in a mix of emotions even though I dumped her!

[El Duendecillo]

I haven't done this already because part of me is waiting for her to admit guilt for what she did to me (although I realise this will never happen.)

 

That may be a long wait my friend. She does not think what she did was wrong. In fact, she views you checking her phone as worse betrayal than what she did.

 

 

I actually feel that with her leaving these breadcrumbs that it's quite a cruel thing to do. It's like she's wanting to give me hope that we might get back together, or it could simply be that she cares and is trying to see how I am.

 

You said in an earlier post that she did not seem all that upset when you ended the relationship. For me, reading what you've written in your posts here, it seems that she was not as invested in the relationship as you. Sure, she may honestly care about how you are coping, but she could also be trying to ease her own guilt also. In the end, does it really matter what her motivations are? None of this is going to help you heal faster if you continue to follow her breadcrumbs.

 

 

It might be that she got with the sexting guy as you say but why would she come crawling back? Is it the realisation that the grass isn't always greener on the other side?

 

If this proved to be the case, could you take her back knowing she did this instead of fighting to save her relationship with you? Could you forgive her?

 

Some would say that since you ended your relationship with her, she's free to see anyone that she wants, and you really could not hold that against her. But, I still view her original betrayal of sexting this guy behind your back, as cheating regardless. What's worse, is that she does not think she's done anything wrong.

 

 

I understand that you're saying to block her, but I just can't seem to do that just yet. I'm still in a mix of emotions even though I dumped her!

 

Well.. IMHO you are leaving yourself open to more pain the longer you leave open the lines of communications.

 

I get it. You still care about her, and it will take time to move on. Just be honest with yourself about what you really want here. Do you want to give her another chance? Or, are you really 100% done with her. As well-meaning strangers on this forum, we tend to offer advice based on our own unique life experiences. But in the end, only you can decide what's best in your own circumstance.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

That may be a long wait my friend. She does not think what she did was wrong. In fact, she views you checking her phone as worse betrayal than what she did.

A leopard never changes their spots as they say.

 

I just can't understand why she cannot see that her betrayal is far worse than mine. No point trying to work it out, she isn't worth it any more.

You said in an earlier post that sh did not seem all that upset when you ended the relationship. For me, reading what you've written in your posts here, it seems that she was not as invested in the relationship as you. Sure, she may honestly care about how you are coping, but she could also be trying to ease her own guilt also. In the end, does it really matter what her motivations are? None of this is going to help you heal faster if you continue to follow her breadcrumbs.

I now realise this that she wasn't as invested in the relationship as I was, I foolishly overlooked this. She seemed to be 'into' the relationship until around 4/5 months into the relationship and then I sensed her caring side slipping gradually and forming the selfishness she showed more frequently after that.

 

No, it doesn't really matter now but it helps me try to gain some sort of closure.

If this proved to be the case, could you take her back knowing she did this instead of fighting to save her relationship with you? Could you forgive her?

I'm 50/50 on this one. Part of me couldn't deal with the jealousy side of it that he's 'had her' and that she did things so quickly after I dumped her.

 

I could deep down possibly forgive her, but she'd have to give me a damn good reason for taking her back and things would have to be mostly on my terms.

But, I still view her original betrayal of sexting this guy behind your back, as cheating regardless. What's worse, is that she does not think she's done anything wrong.

Yes, she was the instigator of all of this. I am the victim here but of course she doesn't see it this way, why would she, she's a selfish callous liar.

Well.. IMHO you are leaving yourself open to more pain the longer you leave open the lines of communications.

I am and in a way that's my own fault for delaying the healing process.

I get it. You still care about her, and it will take time to move on. Just be honest with yourself about what you really want here. Do you want to give her another chance? Or, are you really 100% done with her. As well-meaning strangers on this forum, we tend to offer advice based on our own unique life experiences. But in the end, only you can decide what's best in your own circumstance.

My heart is telling me to give her another chance because I really do still love her despite what she did to me.

 

But, my head is saying to move on and forget about her as the pain is too unbearable.

 

In essence, I really am torn at the moment on what to do!

 

I do appreciate all the advice from people on here, every one of you. It does help aid the recovery to an extent.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[El Duendecillo]

My heart is telling me to give her another chance because I really do still love her despite what she did to me.

 

Despite how blunt I react to stories I read on this board about cheating, I am not automatically against second chances. However, the betrayer should be the one that ask for, and does the bulk of the heavy lifting before the betrayed grants the privilege of a second chance.

 

Has your ex asked for a second chance since the breakup?

 

Again, based on the additional detail you have given about her seeming to have lost some interest 4/5 months into the relationship, along with all of the other things, is not a good sign. She may have been at least partially "checked out" of the relationship by the time you discovered the sexting. Keeping this guy's phone number and then contacting him well into your relationship, also seems ominous.

 

I guess from my limited point of view, she would not appear to be a good candidate for a second chance. If she was, she would have asked by now. You should not be the one asking her for another chance, this is all on her to make things right with you.

 

Please don't let this whole notion of getting "closure" from her, keep you stuck. I don't mean to sound flippant, but in a perfect world you may get "closure", but sometimes we never get it. I can't count the number of times anymore where I received no closure after failed relationships. As painful as it was, I moved on after letting it go.

 

Whatever you decide to do, think of your own well-being first.

[BeRespectful]

Ew. Gross. What a loser. No, just no. Let her go have disappointing sex and realise what a massive mistake she has made.

 

Ew.

 

EW

 

Are you calling OP gross or his ex? The guy just had his heart broken and deserves more respect. I'll assume you were referring to his ex rather than kicking a crippled person.

[usa1ah]

There was no agreement as such about what and wasn't acceptable but we both just assumed that due to our beliefs etc. then cheating is always morally wrong. She has actually said in the past that cheaters are the lowest of the low - what an absolute hypocrite!!

 

 

She chose the cowards way out by not communicating her unhappiness with me, instead going behind my back by inducing an affair. I never saw it coming.

 

She more then likely is telling the truth. Her anger that she showed you might be because she had to look at herself in the mirror. She might not have liked who she saw.

 

Best of luck in the future with who you might find.

 

My wife and I always share our phones, just which ever is closest. Nothing to hide.

[stillafool]

Are you calling OP gross or his ex? The guy just had his heart broken and deserves more respect. I'll assume you were referring to his ex rather than kicking a crippled person.

 

No, he's calling this guy's lack of self respect gross. I agree. He wants this cheater back? Sorry, I agree, no, hell no, just no.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I am not automatically against second chances. However, the betrayer should be the one that ask for, and does the bulk of the heavy lifting before the betrayed grants the privilege of a second chance.

 

Has your ex asked for a second chance since the breakup?

I know what you mean about it being the betrayer who should be asking for a second chance and not the victim. But, she just doesn't seem interested or bothered when I've mentioned to her that I would give her a second chance. Maybe that should say it all really?

 

She hasn't asked for a second chance no and just ignores that part when I mention it to her in messages.

 

Again, based on the additional detail you have given about her seeming to have lost some interest 4/5 months into the relationship, along with all of the other things, is not a good sign. She may have been at least partially "checked out" of the relationship by the time you discovered the sexting. Keeping this guy's phone number and then contacting him well into your relationship, also seems ominous.

I agree with you and also think that she wasn't invested in the relationship as much as I was all those months ago.

 

Keeping his number all that time is a very shady and suspicious thing to do, she had a motive all along I reckon.

 

I guess from my limited point of view, she would not appear to be a good candidate for a second chance. If she was, she would have asked by now. You should not be the one asking her for another chance, this is all on her to make things right with you.

My heart is telling me that.

She has shown no remorse nor has she apologised for her actions and that should be enough to make it obvious that she is not worth it.

 

Are you calling OP gross or his ex? The guy just had his heart broken and deserves more respect. I'll assume you were referring to his ex rather than kicking a crippled person.

Thank you for your support.

 

She more then likely is telling the truth. Her anger that she showed you might be because she had to look at herself in the mirror. She might not have liked who she saw.

 

Best of luck in the future with who you might find.

 

My wife and I always share our phones, just which ever is closest. Nothing to hide.

Thanks very much for your support.

 

I just think that she's in denial still and hasn't realised just what she's lost in me.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[BeRespectful]

No, he's calling this guy's lack of self respect gross. I agree. He wants this cheater back? Sorry, I agree, no, hell no, just no.

 

OP is grieving, you can't expect someone in fresh emotional trauma to have rational and logical thought. Just as you wouldn't expect a crippled person to lift a heavy barbell weight.

 

I'm sure there's more sensitive ways to advise him against returning to his cheating ex than "Ew. Gross. What a loser."

[El Duendecillo]

I just think that she's in denial still and hasn't realised just what she's lost in me.

 

I'm sorry to say, that in my experience most women do not think like this. Women of all levels of attractiveness, have a much easier time than men meeting a new partner, especially for sex. No doubt she's lost someone that deeply cared for her, but I doubt she even cares at this point.

 

The fact that she has not responded to your overtures of giving your relationship a second chance, speaks volumes. I can almost guarantee that she is just trying to keep you on the hook long enough to test drive the sexting guy. If things do not work out with him, she may try and get back with you. But again based on what you are telling us, it seems that she completely checked out and done.

 

As much as it hurts, you must end all contact with her and begin to heal. It will not be easy, it never is, but the faster you implement NC the faster healing can begin for you.

 

Look at it this way, your ex was not the caliber of woman that you thought she was. She threw you away for a guy that just wants ***k her. Think about that. The woman that you planned to wed, thought so highly of her relationship that she initiated sexting with some guy from a dating site in her past. She does not sound like a person that you would want to marry, start a family with or spend the rest of your life.

 

Be thankful that she has shown you exactly who she is. You dodged a bullet here, forgive the cliché.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Now her true colours are coming through even more.

 

She's tried to phone me twice today (I didn't answer), she's texted me multiple times asking why I'm not responding to her calls or texts!! And now she's said that I'm 'pi**ing about'!

 

I haven't replied to her and I'm going to block her now.

 

She is really proving herself to be a nutcase in my opinion. This has put the tin lid on it for me, I ain't going back to her - ever.

 

It's actually bordering harassment now.

[El Duendecillo]

It's actually bordering harassment now.

 

I call this the "Angry Phase"..

 

When the lame half-ass attempts to reel you back in fails to work, the angry and nasty side is revealed. Do not be shocked when she shows up at your door in tears. Don't fall for her games.