I'm broken hearted.. will I ever be happy again?

[Sue31]

I found this forum last night and it literally saved me. I read posts until 3am. I was so broken hearted, stressed, my stomach is in knots, my heart racing, head spinning. I don't know how i got to this place. Never in my wild dreams did I think I would have an A and be the OW.

 

Been married for 23 years. Teenage kids. Been with H since we were 18. No major issues but obviously issues of I allowed myself to get invoiced with a MM. sorry for long lost but I need to get it out and have nobody to talk to. I've been keeping it all inside and it's killing me. H works out of State so he is gone for 6-7 months of the year. It's been tough and I have felt alone, invisible, lost for awhile. Then I run into a man I knew in college. We were friends and had gotten together once in college but that was it. It was during a brief breakup while H and I were dating.

 

Shortly after we both went our separate ways. Both got married and moved away. Lost touch and hadn't spoken to him until I ran into him 1.5 years ago. Long story short we started an A. For the last 1.5 years we have been intense. Seeing each other at least 1-2x a week sometimes more. We both expressed her we fell in love with each other. We can talk about anything. We would spend 6-8 hours a day together just hanging out. I've never felt so wanted and attractive and the sex is amazing, the way he holds me and shows me affection is amazing, the intellect and deep conversations keeps me intrigued. We both knew we weren't leaving our spouses and know we have obligations but when we are together it's our own little world.

 

Then about 6 months ago he started to change. Less texting, less affectionate. It used to be that I'd text him and he would respond right away and respond to everything I said in the text. Now he can go a day or two with nothing and then just text "hi". He was going through some big problems financially and some other personal issues so I tried to be patient and not take it personal. But my gut feeling told me it was more to it. I've wondered if he's also seeing other women. I've never cheated but he has in his marriage. He said the last time was over 7 years ago but again my gut tells me at the least he communicates and texts with other women. I know I don't have a right to be mad because he's not married to me. But the thought still hurts like hell. he was acting distant over the holidays but we saw each other Saturday.

 

Then Tuesday I had texted asking if he wanted to meet in our spot. He didn't answer so I went to a place we sometimes hangout to grab a drink and wait a bit to see if he would respond before I went home. Well as I'm pulling up I see him drving away. He spits me but doesn't stop. Then I calm him and he starts in on how ironic it was I was there and basically is accusing me of following him. Which to me screams guilty of something he's trying to hide. Wenhanf up and I don't hear from him until the next afternoon. He says he's confused with some things going on with him and running into me. Said we don't need the extra stress. So I text back a very long and open text that I was not following him and how hurtful it is that he thinks I'm that desperate that I would do that. I expressed my feelings and that his actions lately have hurt me. His response was very defensive saying why he was there and that he doesn't have to explain himself to anyone.

 

We went back a forth a couple times but he won't come right out and say he doesn't want to see me anymore. He said his situation showed him he needs to make adjustments. I read that as stay the hell away from me. So I let a couple days go by with NC so we could both cool off. Then I sent him a text basically saying I kiss what we had the first year and how we couldn't get enough of each other and how he would be so excited to see me. That I knkw the thrill can't last forever but we have something special between us and I don't want to lose it over a misunderstanding and high emotions on both sides. He didn't respond. I tried calling him last night and texted him asking to call me and he didn't. I feel like he does not believe me and he thinks I really went looking for him there.

 

I'm mad at myself because had I just gone home and not stopped none of this would have happened. Yet maybe it happened for a reason because I wouldn't have ended things on my own and maybe it would have ended up blowing up in our faces if our spouses found out. But I am scared he will never call me or see me again. I can't believe I feel this heartbroken and physically sick over this. How can he be in love with me and then jist cut me off? Isn't he hurting and missing me the way I'm sick over it? I guess he must have other women he's takkkjng to and the thrill and newness of me wore off so he's on to the next?? That stabs me in the gut! I don't knkw how you can invest so much time energy and heart into someone and just cut them off. I think he has been wanting to distance himself for awhile and this excuse of running into me was his opportunity.

I know I need to never call or text because he already had made me feel like a stalker and no matter what I do or say it won't make him want me or love me. But it's so hard not to reach out.

 

Will I ever feel happy again? I'm trying to put my focus on my H and rebuild that but I'm physically sick. I haven't eaten in 3 days and I miss him so much. I'm so mad at myself even tho I truly didn't go there lookin for him. I feel like I screwed everything up even tho my head is telling me that how he wants me to feel and it was his escape route. All I can think is how will I accept him never calling or wanting to see me again? How will I ever get him out of my head and heart?

 

I don't doubt that he loved me and the passion was real but I feel like he does this often and he can move on without looking back because he has backups to go to.

Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I'm sorry you have gone through this, time is a healer as with most things.

 

 

You will get through this and you will feel better in time.

 

 

I'm also currently going through some heartbreak after my girlfriend cheated on me. Ok, our relationship was only 7 months long but I'm still deeply hurt by her actions.

 

 

Chin up!

[Naivewomen]

I found this forum last night and it literally saved me. I read posts until 3am. I was so broken hearted, stressed, my stomach is in knots, my heart racing, head spinning. I don't know how i got to this place. Never in my wild dreams did I think I would have an A and be the OW.<snip>

 

I absolutely FEEL your pain. I had a very similar experience. Ex MM started gaslighting me too. I finally couldn't take the push and pull aspect of the entire thing. Dont let him have this power over you. He wants control. They r NOT as emotional as Women. We connect we bond and we think they are the same way. This man is loyal to know one.

 

As soon as you realize this you will can courage and strength to value yourself. I am as lonely and emotionally disconnected from my spouse but do not allow this man to throw you crumbs when he feels like he misses the high of you. He will return mine has started resurfacing again. After we nicely parted in August with NC. I stayed firm and didnt not reach out. Its extremely painful. I too watched pictures of a happily married man on social media one too many times. All while I won't and cant even put my arms around my husband. They are very different than us.

 

He is addicted to something about you but trust me you will remain in pain forver if you let him. Gain strength please. Do it for your children. This is how I am getting by. My Ex MM tells me 2 weeks ago, "I think about you every minute of the day",(I wanted to say even when your making love to your wife) lol. I have to laugh now. They r all players.

Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and add paragraphs

[Sue31]

I absolutely FEEL your pain.<snip>

 

Thank you for your response. I needed to hear everything you said. I can't talk to anyone about this so getting it out and hearing your advice helps so much. I knkw this sounds crazy but right now I'm scared that he won't miss me or won't think about me. I knkw that's crazy and so silly that I care but I do.

 

I want him to miss me and have his heart aching for me like I am for him right now. I'm questioning everything now... like was he really even in love with me? How many other women did he say these same things to? Was I even special to him in any way? I wish this stomachache and heart racing would end. I'm literally praying that God makes me disgusted by him and gets him out of my head. Yet I want him to call or text so badly. I'm sitting here for the last three days wondering if I'm crossing his mind...

 

I noticed on one of the apps we communicated on he deleted alm the videos he sent me and thjs is how I know I'm losing my mind.... it hurt me but I had deleted all my videos to him the day before lol. So I'm analyzing his every action and his words and trying to read between the lines of his text. Hisnlast text said his feelings about me haven't changed at all and not to take this out of context it's just circumstances.... meaning him mad that I ran into him??? Bit that running into me (and him thinking I was following him I guess) is making him habe to make adjustments.

 

So of course I keep reading f that over and over thinking does me mean adjustments he needs time to cool off or adjustments he's never speaking to me again. And then in the next throught im wondering if he's seeing other women so I don't want to talk to him anyway. Im a mess lol

Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and add paragraphs

[Naivewomen]

Thank you for your response. I needed to hear everything you said. I can't talk to anyone about this so getting it out and hearing your advice helps so much. I knkw this sounds crazy but right now I'm scared that he won't miss me or won't think about me. <snip>

Sue, please understand that I get you!!! I have been a mess for months. I lost so much weight, I stayed in bed most days not wanting to talk to anyone. Please from the advice I have read on here and constantly talking on these forums helps you to get up and push forward. His mind is not racing and reeling like ours!!! They live minute my minute and fully compartmentalize there lives. Hes probably having fun with his family. Dont let this stop making u live. I was doing it and my children were suffering. I'm equally as lost. U will feel this pain for many more months to come.

 

So walk through it and keep telling yourself one day at a time. You are wasting precious happy moments with other people. Belive me I felt like I couldn't be happy without him but do it spite fully because you know hes smiling somewhere. F him. My ex came to be 2 weeks ago and told me he will never stop loving me. What response was he looking for???? Ok great!! Continue to enjoy your wife and family. I mean he wants me to want him forever. Selfishly he doesnt want me happy without him but wont do anything to be with me. He stalked me this week and came to our spot. He was not even man enough to get out of the car.

 

Did he want me to chase after him??? Keep reading stories keep trying to help others. You will see more clarity everyday . He enjoyed the sex and now who the hell knows. It has nothing to do with you. You are special but simply put they love their wives and are never ever leaving. So they do not get so emotionally connected because they r connected emotionally at home. I dont care what they say it's their ACTions that prove otherwise. He will come back trust me. He will need an ego boost again. It's all about HIS EGO!!!

Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and add paragraphs

[misspalmy]

take one day at a time, think its for the best, its like a drug,

[FMW]

It's a long hard road to get over, it's what brought many of us to this forum to begin with.

 

If you read my thread you will know that after 3 years I was completely blind-sided and humiliated to find out I was ghosted for another woman - not his wife as I had originally thought. I've come to look at that shocking humiliation as a gift - I am so disgusted by him I can't imagine ever having anything to do with him again.

 

But the pain is still there. I was out walking today in a beautiful park on an unusually warm winter day. And thoughts of him had tears running down my face. Sheesh.

 

But things are slowly getting better. They will for you too, but I won't lie. It will take a lot more time than you want

 

Just know it's normal and keep your focus on improving your marriage and other parts of your life.

[Abetterme]

Hello Sue - I too am sorry you are hurting, and can certainly relate. I have been there. I really appreciate @naivewomans post above. It highlights a very similar pattern to what you are experiencing, and nearly identically to the push away my xMM did to me.

 

He dropped off spring last year and I stupidly let him back in months later as I was still mired in the pain and lack of “closure”. I promise you, as bad as it is now, it is 10x worse the second go around.

 

Like naivewoman said above...I let this take SO much from my family. I made horrible choices, but I am refusing to let any remaining heartache take more. I am just two weeks total NC and enjoyed the most perfect day with my family. I recognized how utterly unpresentr I’ve been and not seeing the joy in front of my eyes because of that $***. Our last contact he said “I think of you highly, I always will”. I wanted to respond back with how I felt about him was completely opposite, but there’s no point. Nothing we say or don’t matters. Closure does have to come from within. I hated reading that on these boards bedore,, but it’s true.

 

Block this guy. Don’t let him get a toe back in the door as much as you’re hurting. Walk away with your head high. It will get better. Best wishes!

[Sue31]

It's a long hard road to get over, it's what brought many of us to this forum to begin with.

 

If you read my thread you will know that after 3 years I was completely blind-sided and humiliated to find out I was ghosted for another woman - not his wife as I had originally thought. I've come to look at that shocking humiliation as a gift - I am so disgusted by him I can't imagine ever having anything to do with him again.

 

But the pain is still there. I was out walking today in a beautiful park on an unusually warm winter day. And thoughts of him had tears running down my face. Sheesh.

 

But things are slowly getting better. They will for you too, but I won't lie. It will take a lot more time than you want

 

Just know it's normal and keep your focus on improving your marriage and other parts of your life.

 

Thank you for your response and supportive words. I'm sorry you are feeling the same pain. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Where can I find your thread? Reading the forum gives me strength.

[Sue31]

Hello Sue - I too am sorry you are hurting, and can certainly relate. I have been there. I really appreciate @naivewomans post above. It highlights a very similar pattern to what you are experiencing, and nearly identically to the push away my xMM did to me. <snip>

 

Thank you.... I'm sorry for your pain. When you said you were unpresent it really hit home. My kids have always been my life and the last two years I feel like I go through the motions with them but I'm not feeling the joy. I just feel numb. Today I feel numb from pain but the last 2 years I've felt numb because deekndiwn my gut told me something was off.

 

I was always wondering what he was doing, if he's feelings were real, when would I see him again... so it was taking so much time and mental space. The first 6 months was like a movie... experiences and words and love and passion like I always craved. I guess that's how I got sucked in so fast land so hard.

 

One of the many aspects of this I'm struggling with is I feel like I didn't get to walk away with my head held high.... he basically accused me of stalking him and is now ghosting me jist because he ran into me in a spot we normally go to. Now my head tells me he acted that way because he got caught .. even tho he denies he was there with anyone else... but he basically said it was tok ironic I was there, insinuating I had followed him and nkw won't speak to me.

 

So I feel like he made me look crazy and used this as an excuse to dump me. So that's what's hard on top of missing him. I bounce around from does he really think I followed him? Is this just an excuse cuz he's wanted to cut me off for months? And I can't even talk to him to tell him I didn't follow him, he has it all wrong. I know it doesn't matter and if he really loved me he wouldn't hurt me this way. But my heart hasn't caught up to my head.

Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and truncate quote

[MetallicHue]

Sue, I’m sorry for all the pain you’re going thru. I’m glad you found this forum and I hope it and the people on it can help ease things for you. I’ve dealt with a very different type of pain but I know that time really does help. It may not make things perfect but you will eventually be able to get on with things. I really hope you find happiness and are not stuck in the doldrums too long.

[BaileyB]

One of the many aspects of this I'm struggling with is I feel like I didn't get to walk away with my head held high...

 

Seriously? How exactly do you think you will feel if/when your husband and children learn of your affair? Will you hold your head high then?

 

I'm sorry, I know that you are hurting and I truly do not mean to add to your pain. But if I may be very honest - you are so deep in the affair fog and so very self-absorbed that you have completely lost perspective here.

 

Something is seriously wrong in your life if you have disconnected from your husband to the point that you barely mention him, and then discuss at length feelings for another man bordering on desperation. It's also very concerning that in your description of the relationship with your children and your life, the words you use are "numb" and "going through the motions."

 

It's going to be a long road back for you, and I would suggest that you find someone to walk this road with you. Have you found yourself a counsellor, because that would be a very good place to start. There is a lot of self examination to be done. You will need to face the problems in your marriage and determine what you want for your future... I wish you luck.

[Naivewomen]

Hello Sue - I too am sorry you are hurting, and can certainly relate. I have been there. I really appreciate @naivewomans post above. It highlights a very similar pattern to what you are experiencing, and nearly identically to the push away my xMM did to me.

 

He dropped off spring last year and I stupidly let him back in months later as I was still mired in the pain and lack of “closure”. I promise you, as bad as it is now, it is 10x worse the second go around.

 

Like naivewoman said above...I let this take SO much from my family. I made horrible choices, but I am refusing to let any remaining heartache take more. I am just two weeks total NC and enjoyed the most perfect day with my family. I recognized how utterly unpresentr I’ve been and not seeing the joy in front of my eyes because of that $***. Our last contact he said “I think of you highly, I always will”. I wanted to respond back with how I felt about him was completely opposite, but there’s no point. Nothing we say or don’t matters. Closure does have to come from within. I hated reading that on these boards bedore,, but it’s true.

 

Block this guy. Don’t let him get a toe back in the door as much as you’re hurting. Walk away with your head high. It will get better. Best wishes!

 

Hi, remember you are still vulnerable to him, as am I. You are only 2 weeks in and feeling better which is a great sign. As soon as he sees you are not chasing him, he will return for round 3 because that's what it would be for me of I allowed so more sweet talk bull$$$t! Yah they adore us when we are happy and going along with their convenient schedule but dont put any pressure on them about anything. Constantly obey and deal with anything or as little as they throw your way. After all, they are dealing with enough stress trying to overcompensate for their guilt at home. They are not sitting worrying about how this will and can destroy everyone. I worried about that the entire time. Why would they worry their NEVER breaking apart their family no matter what they feel with us. It doesnt matter if you were Cindy Crawford. We ARE and DO deserve so much better than this and they know it. My ex agreed!! They can offer us nothing but temporary highs. The lows outweigh the highs. When you come to realize you are more in pain than happy you will find the strength. I miss him more than you know however I love me more. ... value you more!!

[Naivewomen]

It's a long hard road to get over, it's what brought many of us to this forum to begin with.

 

If you read my thread you will know that after 3 years I was completely blind-sided and humiliated to find out I was ghosted for another woman - not his wife as I had originally thought. I've come to look at that shocking humiliation as a gift - I am so disgusted by him I can't imagine ever having anything to do with him again.

 

But the pain is still there. I was out walking today in a beautiful park on an unusually warm winter day. And thoughts of him had tears running down my face. Sheesh.

 

But things are slowly getting better. They will for you too, but I won't lie. It will take a lot more time than you want

 

Just know it's normal and keep your focus on improving your marriage and other parts of your life.

Ughh what a piece of S$$$! Hes a serial cheater that loves nobody but himself. The worst kind. You were handed a bigger gift than you know my friend. You dodged a big bullet!! Its a blessing you know now before further destruction!! I have been seeing a therapist. I enjoy it immensely. It was the only way for me to break off things. I needed help that's how deep my fog was. I believed he was Prince Charming!! They will never even suffer the way we are!! They close this chapter faster need to do the same and learn. I truly hope I can fix my marriage now. My happiness took a major hit but this will not define me. Hope I helped a bit.

[whichwayisup]

Take time to decide what it is you want. Do you want an affair with him (to continue) or are you looking for him to leave his wife and you to leave your husband so you two can be together full time?

 

I suggest counseling to help you figure it out. You can't try to reconnect with your husband when you still are having an A and in contact with the MM.

 

Eventually your husband (and kids) will notice how detached you are, distant and uninvolved you are in their lives. Your husband probably feels something is "up" with you but isn't thinking an affair because he trusts you completely.

 

Give this some thought, how will you feel and react if your husband finds out about your affair? Is your marriage fixable? Do you love him?

 

As for your MM, you don't trust him because he's cheating with you. If he is also having other affairs with other women there's nothing you can do. He isn't committed to you nor does he owe you an explanation. That's how (some) affairs work and in your situation it does seem like he isn't looking for more emotions, more love and connection - He's looking for fun, easy and an escape in a non committed way.

 

I hope you find the strength to totally end it with him and focus on reconnecting with your husband and rebuilding yourself. You could lose everything if you continue the affair and don't let go of the MM. Imagine dealing with your husband's pain, facing your kids, parents, in laws, extended family and friends - The fallout will affect many.

[BaileyB]

Take time to decide what it is you want. Do you want an affair with him (to continue) or are you looking for him to leave his wife and you to leave your husband so you two can be together full time

 

Not a good option. What do we know about this guy - he is not trustworthy. How do we know this - because he is lying to his wife and cheating on her with OP. Better yet, he appears to be lying to OP and cheating on her with (an)other woman.

 

OP, you have trusted a man who is not trustworthy. Don’t make the mistake of thinking there is any future for you in this relationship... unless, you are prepared to continue putting your marriage and your family at risk for whatever affection he decides to send your way...

[Amethyst68]

You have missed 2 years of your children's lives! Feeling numb and going through the motions... You don't even begin your husband so I can't even imagine the level of disconnect there must be in that relationship.

 

Do you really believe your MM was invested to the same level? Do you think he spent every minute with his wife and kids thinking of you? I can almost guarantee he didn't.

 

I'm sorry to be harsh but the fact that he has so easily cut you off, without a dday kinda proves it. No to mention the fact it seems he's been working on a new OW while still meeting you.

 

It's time to get real before you lose your marriage too. Unlike other posters I wouldn't be too sure your husband doesn't at least suspect. You can't hide the kind of behavior you are describing indefinitely.

[Sue31]

Take time to decide what it is you want. Do you want an affair with him (to continue) or are you looking for him to leave his wife and you to leave your husband so you two can be together full time?

 

<SNIP>

 

Thank you for your very honest, tough, yet supportive advice. All things I need to hear and it helps me build strength to do the right thing. What I'm stuggling with now (other than missing him) is that I didnt have a choice of what I want or even have to end it because he hasn't spoken to me in five days other than text and the last 2 days silence. Maybe it's ego maybe it's feeling dumped and stupid but I hate that it ended this way. He won't even talk to me to let me make any decisions or end things.

As for what he wanted... who knows at this point... but for the first year he was all in with emotions. He told me he was in love and never felt this way before. He did things for me that showed me he loved me. There was a true connection and friendship not just sex. Then things started to change like the novelty wore off and he started to pull away. Obviously he's a serial cheater and this is the first time (and a huge mistake) that I've ever cheated. I've never so much as texted with another man. So I was naive and fell hard. At times maybe I wanted (or thought I wanted) to be with him because I felt so alive and wanted with him. But I knew neither of us wanted to break our families up especially for the sake of the kids. I know he could be saying the same things to many other women he's with but at the time it felt so real to me. And again it wasn't just talk. The first year his actions also showed he loved me.

 

So many people on thjs board say "he will be back" and "decide what you want" and as wrong as it is, right now I'm just sad and miss him. I feel like he will never speak to me again and that hurts. He's ended things without telling me he ended them and I wish he would text or reach out. I know once the pain is gone I'll see more clearly and know this is for the best but the hurt is still fresh. I hate that he can just cut me off like I didn't mean a thing to him.

 

I was seeing a counselor for the last year but stopped due to finances a couple months ago. I know these problems are mine and I can't blame anyone else. I need to fix me. I don't want to hurt my family more than I already have.

 

Again thank you for making me look at the reality of how horrible things could be if they found out.

Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sue31]

Seriously? How exactly do you think you will feel if/when your husband and children learn of your affair? Will you hold your head high then?

 

I'm sorry, I know that you are hurting and I truly do not mean to add to your pain. But if I may be very honest - you are so deep in the affair fog and so very self-absorbed that you have completely lost perspective here<snip>

 

BaileyB.... I can't argue that any of your statements are wrong. And although harsh and judgemental things I needed to hear to slap me back into reality. I'm assuming from your judgements of me you have never been dumb enough to be the OW with a MM as I was. So I understand that you don't know what I'm feeling or going through. My actions got me to this point and I'm 100% responsible for the pain I'm feeling now. I was feeling extremely lost and broken and this site felt like a safe place for me to open up and let all my feelings out. So yes I opened up in great detail how I feel about MM and I'm sure I do sound desperate for him. And maybe the last few days I have been.

 

As for not speaking about H... I didn't see the need to trash him or say why I was feeling so isolated, unwanted, alone, feeling like a failure, invisible, undesirable... in the years leading up to me having the A with MM. I came here to get support for the heartbreak im feeling now and figure out how to get over MM. I've been going to a counselor for the last year and I know why I had the affair and what the problems in my marriage are. This thread isn't about marriage it's about the OW/OM. If I want to speak about my issues with my husband I will post that elsewhere on a marriage thread.

 

As for self-absorbed... I can see why you would assume that of me considering I'm cheating and risking my family. However self-absorbed is not how you would describe me if you knew me. Trust me there's a lot of things you could call me the last two years and I deserve them all... but self-absorbed is not one of them. Actually being a dooormat and selfless and bending over backwards to give and give until I was empty is part of what led me to A. But again from what I've written I can see why you called me that.

 

Yes it is concerning that I'm numb and detached from my family. Heck I'm numb and detached from everything I have ever enjoyed in life... I don't feel joy or happiness. But that's not complete due to A. It's also attributed to some very traumatic things that happened in the last 2 years, depression from those things and the A, the way my husband has treated me... a combination of things.

Thank you for your advice and opinions... I need to be shaken and face the wrongs I've created.

Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and add paragraphs

[BaileyB]

Sue... thank you, for providing a little more context.

 

No, I have never been an OW. Although I have never been an OW, I can certainly appreciate how you would feel vulnerable to a man/affair if you are in a marriage when your husband is away and/or there are problems in the marriage.

 

I can certainly appreciate how a wife and mother can get to the point where she feels that she has given everything to her husband and children, that there is nothing left for her... particularly, if she is the kind of personality that tends to give and has difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries. Have you not essentially done the same thing with your OM?

 

And I can certainly appreciate how you would feel upset and lost when the man with whom you have invested so much time and emotional energy just walks away, so abruptly and rather carelessly...

 

Perhaps it’s too early to ask this, and you are not at a place to answer right now... But, what is your end goal? I would hope, as you have started on this path, that it is to focus on your own health such that you can make better choices for yourself, reingage in your life and with your children, and find your joy again. And then, you obviously have some decisions to make about your marriage (as you say, a topic for another day, in another forum ).

 

I hope you find the strength to let this man go. He is clearly not to be trusted, and not worthy of your time and affection.

 

It will take time for you to process these feelings and come out of the “affair fog.” You may not always hear what you want to hear on this forum, but there is good support to be found here. I’m glad you found it. I wish you well.

Edited January 6, 2019 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

Sue, I too traveled for work, more then your husband but not in long periods. I would be away say 10 days home 3 then back out for 7. The last year I was away 270 days. Like you my wife had those some feelings also like you she had a two year affair.

 

In our situation there was a misconception, i loved her very much. The problem is when your away that much its difficult to focus on just your spouse when you come home. I tried but other things needed attention as well.

 

My wife did some serious mental gymnastics during the time. Example, i came home just to spend a couple hours with her for her birthday, picked up and really pricey handbag and planned a romantic picnic. The whole day she seemed annoyed and on edge. At the time i did understand. She made a very odd comment about me only doing it because I feel like it's what I should do and not because I love her. The comment really confused me at the time.

 

You see part of her justification for her affair was I didn't love her anymore because I "choose my career over her" it was completely false and deep down she knew it.

 

Much later she admitted to me that she couldn't accept my love and continue to do what she was doing. She wasnt even in love with the other guy and realized early on that he wasnt a potential partner but she was addicted to the attention.

 

Point being is two fold. one you have created this perfect image of a man and projected on to the MM. you are now struggling to merge that image with the man you are actually finding him to be. Second, there is a very good chance you are ignoring or discounting any and all efforts made by your husband. I dont expect you see that now.

 

One more thing, you are in a dangerous place for discovery. Most wayward women are caught by their husbands right after the affair ends.

[eastdean]

Could be he doesn't want to sever your A completely because he wants a Plan B? Painful as hell this situation and I feel you.

[Naivewomen]

It's so hard to let go when you feel they were everything you have ever wanted! I am a deep intense lover. In order for me to justify this A, I had to strongly believe that I was in love and was going to hurt everyone. I was living my life in fear of the pain I would cause my entire family. I alienated myself from extended family and friends to lessen the embarrassment. Funny part is all this mental torture to myself and MM was enjoying his double life. A grand old time. Two women doting and pining for him. He told me a few times he feels like superman. Who wouldnt!

[Sue31]

Baileyb..... you are so right.... I have transferred my no boundaries and giving all of myself on to OM. Which is probably part of what started issues between us. OM feels like he can do whatever, wherever and I'll always be there for him.

 

Yes I want to focus on myself and getting my life and joy back. Even the last few days, although I'm feeling heartbroken and sick, I have moments were I feel free and more open to H. I know that although I hate how it went down, having OM cut me off is for the best. I just hope that the pain ends and I can wake up feeling happy again. This fog is no joke. Yesterday I was thinking of thing OM did and said that were hurtful and red flags and seeing that the attention I got from him was so addictive that I would take those crumbs the last few months and get a high off them which would sustain me for a few days or week until I saw him again. But the everyday attention and love he showed me the first year was gone. I don't know if I would have been smart enough to walk away so I guess he did me a favor.

 

None of this is easy and it hurts like hell but I created my own pain by getting involved with him in the first place. This board is the only thing that is keeping me from having a complete breakdown right now and giving me strength for NC. I want the harsh realities and advice on here I really do. I need to hear the harsh things. I already know them but having someone else say it to me forced me to face it. I just have to get all my feelings out on here even if they are wrong and stupid because until I can admit all I'm feeling and say it out loud I won't heal.

[Sue31]

Sue, I too traveled for work, more then your husband but not in long periods. I would be away say 10 days home 3 then back out for 7. The last year I was away 270 days. Like you my wife had those some feelings also like you she had a two year affair.<snip>

 

Thank you for your perspective. It makes me step back and look at things from my H eyes. I am for sure doing some of the things your wife did. Now the difference is my H forgot my birthday twice. He has held back love and affection as somewhat of a control for years. I just didn't see it until later. I throught it was me so I'd try even hard and do even more for him. I was to the point I was exhausted and empty so when MM came along and gave me the affection I craved it was a deadly temptation.

 

I have been ignoring or not accepting some of H efforts the last 2 years like you said because of guilt and a way to justifying my A. Theres times I would be with MM and think "what am I dojng? This is horrible" almost like out of body and looking down at myself laying with this MM and not even recognizing myself. But it felt so good to get the attention and love from him that like an addiction I couldn't stop it.

 

I appreciate your view and sharing your side with me.

Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote