I'm broken hearted.. will I ever be happy again?

[DKT3]

Baileyb..... you are so right.... I have transferred my no boundaries and giving all of myself on to OM. Which is probably part of what started issues between us. OM feels like he can do whatever, wherever and I'll always be there for him. <snip>

 

What your saying here is very true, you will need to extend this farther and at some point focus on your selfishness and the fact that despite your protest you have been and continue to be self absorbed. You willingly and knowingly stole yourself from your kids to give those pieces to MM for the sake of your own personal happiness. Your husband and kids become an afterthought, you have as much as admitted that, yet yo struggle to make the connection as to you being self absorbed in doing so. Introspection is very difficult, yet when infidelity touches a marriage all involved will have to do a ton of it in order to move forward to happy and healthy, no matter what direction you go divorce (which sounds most likely here) or reconciliation. You will have to ask and answer very difficult questions to your, your husband and some point your kids. it sucks and can be a very long process.

 

We are a decade out, been divorced and remarried. Now my wife is dealing with how its affected our kids as our oldest is angry and distant.

 

Having the affair suggests that running away from problems is how you deal with them, no running away from this. Even if you ended up with MM.

Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Bittersweetie]

I don't know how you can invest so much time energy and heart into someone and just cut them off.

 

You mean like the 23 years your husband has invested in you and your marriage?

 

Sue, I was a MW in an A so I understand. My xAP ghosted me not once, but twice, and I still saw him as my "soulmate." I was heartbroken during those times.

 

But PPs are right...you are so deep in "affair fog" that you cannot see outside your own perspective. Some call that "self-absorbed" and they are right. Sure you may not seem like that to outsiders...during my A I was in graduate school, working, volunteering, seeing my H when I could (we lived 2000 miles apart at that time). But yet in my brain, it was all about me me me.

 

You say your thread isn't about marriage it's about the affair. Unfortunately, as a MW, those two things are intertwined. You can try to compartmentalize but the mental energy you put into your A does take away energy from your H and your family.

 

You are at a pivot point, it's a new year. And here is the question I will ask you: what kind of person do you want to be moving forward? Do you want to be a person who lives authentically, makes healthy choices? Or do you want to be someone who lies and cheats? It is your choice. You can continue the A with this guy or you can decide to fix the issues in your marriage/life and find happiness again.

 

You can be happy again. I am so much more happy now than I ever was in my affair. I had a d-day. It was the worst time of my life, even more so for my husband. He gave me the gift of a second chance and I did not squander it. I worked hard on my own issues and on our marriage. A few years after d-day we had a child who is amazing. Is my life perfect? Of course not. But I am now happier, living authentically with no lies, living with personal integrity, treating my H and myself with respect.

 

I am sorry you are in pain...I know that pain. But this is your chance to make better choices. I did not and got involved again with xAP and then incurred even more pain. Maybe take some NC time to clear your head and allow yourself to heal and decide what choices to make moving forward. Good luck.

[Bittersweetie]

Introspection is very difficult, yet when infidelity touches a marriage all involved will have to do a ton of it in order to move forward to happy and healthy, no matter what direction you go divorce (which sounds most likely here) or reconciliation.

 

I also want to agree with DKT3's point above. Introspection was SO. FREAKING. HARD. It's not easy to look in the mirror and say, "I'm the bad guy." But in the aftermath of d-day that's what I did. I made the decision that I wanted to be a better person whether my H and I reconciled or not. So I faced the hard questions. I learned new coping skills. I reframed issues in my life. Yes, it's easier to blameshift onto others (H, AP) or put blinders on. But is it healthier? No.

 

I'm sorry if I'm coming across a bit harsh, but like I said, you are at a pivot point. What kind of person do you want to be in 2019?

[Sue31]

Bittersweetie and DKT3.....

Thank you both for taking time to post very thoughtful and good advice. Bittersweetie I don't think you are being harsh at all. And you've been where I am so you have a very good and clear perspective on what I'm going through and feeling right now. I respect your advice and listen to it even more carefully because you have been where I am.

 

It's hard to get all the details and situation out on a message board and right now I'm hurt missing OM and mad at how he has acted. I KNOW those priorities are messed up and I'm very wrong for it, but again if I'm not honest with myself on here then I'm not going to work through all the pain and emotions and I'll end up right back where I was.

 

That is exactly why I didn't talk much about H in my posts because I dont blame him for my actions and I didn't want to come across as tho I was making excuses. I created this pain I'm in and have nobody to blame but myself. I guess I took offense to self-absorbed because I know what I have lived through the last 20+ years and what I still deal with daily. Again not an excuse for my behavior but trying to give my perspective. But yes in the context of the A of course I was self absorbed. And selfish. And if I'm really being open that is probably part of the reason I did it too... it felt good to be selfish for the first time ever. I know that will rub a lot of people wrong but this is for me to work through. I was tired of doing everything and being invisible. I tried talking to H tried counseling tried other ways to make him see what he was doing or not doing. Yes this was the worst possible way to deal with it indk knkw that.

 

I knkw that A and marriage are all one problem. I guess I was looking at it as I am in such pain right now from NC and OM cutting me off like he did that I was trying to come to this board and get help for how to get over him and get through this heartbreak. I wasn't able to even see straight I was hurting so bad. But hearing all of your advice and straight forward talk is helping me see what I need to do and own up to my responsibility.

 

This also will rub many wrong but today right now I just want to talk to OM and have him contact me. I've had moments the last two days that I think I don't ever want to deal with him again but then moments come like waves that I miss him and want to speak to him. I'm so fresh out of the getting cut off that I need to deal with this emotions so I can grieve him and move on. So when people have said on here I need to decide if I want to continue A or not the truth is I don't have a choice. He hasn't spoken to me in days so he's made the choice and that hurts. I wish I did have the option to make a choice not to see him anymore.

 

I have a lot of work to do to repair what I've ruined. This will be a long road but I can't keep living like this

[BaileyB]

I know what I have lived through the last 20+ years and what I still deal with daily. I was tired of doing everything and being invisible. I tried talking to H tried counseling tried other ways to make him see what he was doing or not doing.

 

I understand that you wish to speak to the affair and not the marriage, but they are clearly intertwined...

 

And I’m sure, there is more to the story and you do not have to share, but I’m curious...

 

Why do you stay in your marriage? You have never once mentioned the possibility of divorce, and I wonder why when you use words like “trauma” “invisible” “unwanted” and “depressed” when talking about your marriage. Aside from your children, is there actually a marriage worth saving? (And know, I don’t think you could or should make decisions about your marriage in your current state of mind, I’m just wondering...)

Edited January 6, 2019 by BaileyB

[Aloha123]

Hi - I am also a MW involved with an MM in a very similar relationship -- except in my instance it's more of a vicious cycle of intensity versus indifference on his end. Here are a few things I have learned from this forum.

1. In reading your thread, I had a revelation, which is that we MW do in fact compartmentalize just as much as the MM does. But it's in reverse. Our marriage becomes an afterthought, something that we put on the backburner, and the MM soon becomes the primary relationship in our head. With MMs the exact opposite is true - the marriage is usually their priority and the MW is and afterthought. Hell, at least the MMs have their priorities straight!

2. I have learned on this forum that you absolutely cannot and should not try to figure out what the MM is thinking or why he is acting like he does. It could be anything from he is just busy with his family to he has another girlfriend to he just isn't that into you anymore. Regardless, the bottom line is that his actions are speaking volumes, and that is all you can and should go by.

3. Regardless of whether you want to continue the A or not, you absolutely need to not contact him when he has pulled away, unless you want to be further humiliated and feel worse about yourself than you already do.

4. View these times of no contact or indifference as a time for introspection, both about yourself and your marriage (and as evidence of what kind of relationship the A really is), as well as "practice" for NC which should really be the ultimate goal.

5. Your A is following a script. It's not you. It's the nature of the beast.

 

The best thing you can do is to keep coming back and reading and posting on these forums. If nothing else, the experience of others serves as a looking glass into our own situations, and provides some much needed perspective.

[DKT3]

Hi - I am also a MW involved with an MM in a very similar relationship -- except in my instance it's more of a vicious cycle of intensity versus indifference on his end. Here are a few things I have learned from this forum.

1. In reading your thread, I had a revelation, which is that we MW do in fact compartmentalize just as much as the MM does. But it's in reverse. Our marriage becomes an afterthought, something that we put on the backburner, and the MM soon becomes the primary relationship in our head. With MMs the exact opposite is true - the marriage is usually their priority and the MW is and afterthought. Hell, at least the MMs have their priorities straight!

 

Good stuff...however, I wouldn't call what most MW do compartmentalizing. I would say its flat out replacement. The husband becomes nothing more then an annoyance, that certainly seems to be the case here. MM compartmentalize because they dont replace their wives, they simply pick up a little fun and excitement on the side and does the best the can at keeping the two separate, usually when with the wife he is with the wife and doesn't give MW much if any thought, and same with while being with MW or OW. MW dont separate, when with MM she is with MM and with husband she is still with MM. Even hear a bunch of them say being with husband feels like cheating on MM. That isnt compartmentalize, its plain ole replacement.

Edited January 6, 2019 by DKT3

[Aloha123]

when with MM she is with MM and with husband she is still with MM. . . . That isnt compartmentalize, its plain ole replacement.

 

Yes that is an even better way of looking at it.

[Abetterme]

1. In reading your thread, I had a revelation, which is that we MW do in fact compartmentalize just as much as the MM does. But it's in reverse. Our marriage becomes an afterthought, something that we put on the backburner, and the MM soon becomes the primary relationship in our head. With MMs the exact opposite is true - the marriage is usually their priority and the MW is and afterthought. Hell, at least the MMs have their priorities straight!

2. I have learned on this forum that you absolutely cannot and should not try to figure out what the MM is thinking or why he is acting like he does. It could be anything from he is just busy with his family to he has another girlfriend to he just isn't that into you anymore. Regardless, the bottom line is that his actions are speaking volumes, and that is all you can and should go by.

3. Regardless of whether you want to continue the A or not, you absolutely need to not contact him when he has pulled away, unless you want to be further humiliated and feel worse about yourself than you already do.

4. View these times of no contact or indifference as a time for introspection, both about yourself and your marriage (and as evidence of what kind of relationship the A really is), as well as "practice" for NC which should really be the ultimate goal.

5. Your A is following a script. It's not you. It's the nature of the beast.

This is a REALLY great post @Aloha. I will come back to this myself.

 

I think the bolded #5 is very important for Sue. She’s overanalyzing both their actions. I recall doing much the same to the point or making myself nuts. But don’t! Doing so only allows you to continue focusing on him, when whether you showed up in that spot or not would make no difference to how he’s acting. I would suggest listening to the Marriage Helper podcast series on the stages of limerance. You are stuck there as was I, as were most of us chiming in here at some point. Listening to that was extremely eye opening.

 

Accept that this is the course of this type of relationship. That is quickest route to peace and truly feeling comfortable with NC and ending it. You are worth more!!

Edited January 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Aloha123]

This is a REALLY great post @Aloha. I will come back to this myself.

 

I really don't know how I could have so much damn insight into the dynamics of it all and yet still feel so stuck and incapable of making a change in my own situation. In some ways I just want MM to be the one to end it so then there will be no choice but to move on.

Edited January 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BaileyB]

I really don't know how I could have so much damn insight into the dynamics of it all and yet still feel so stuck and incapable of making a change in my own situation.

 

Lol - I don’t know how I can know that having a second piece of desert or eating that whole bag of potato chips is bad for me, yet I still sometimes do it anyway...

 

Your head may say one thing, whether you are able to make the right decision is another thing entirely sometimes...

 

Your post was very insightful aloha. I wish you well.

Edited January 6, 2019 by BaileyB

[Abetterme]

@Aloha - Haha...I certainly understand that. So many days as I was “waking up” I said the same thing to myself. I believe for anyone, OP included, the cycle doesn’t stop until you finally can’t take the hurt anymore.

[DKT3]

Would you say a portion of the hurt is reality vs expectations? Having so much faith and belief in something that was really fools gold.

 

I actually dont think that most women are "in love" with MM. I believe that they love how they feel about the man they've projected onto this vessel. I say this because I find it difficult to think one could fall in love with someone clearly flawed. Cheating on the wife, manipulation by affection, disappearing acts and so on.

Edited January 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Aloha123]

Oh gosh how could I have forgotten to add this point. One of the other main things I have learned here is that we are "in love" with a phantom person, a fantasy etc. This is both why it's so unfair to compare it to our spouse/marriage and also why it's so hard and painful to let go of.

Edited January 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Would you say a portion of the hurt is reality vs expectations? Having so much faith and belief in something that was really fools gold.

 

I imagine that it is also a pretty big hit to the ego when he ends it - something that could be pretty devastating to a woman who is already struggling with self-esteem or perhaps feeling dismissed or rejected by her husband.

[Abetterme]

@DKT3 - Absolutely!! For me this was a lot of it and something I have discussed at length with my counselor. When I step back, this man was not somebody I would even choose to be friends with. He was negative, fitness obsessed, objectified women, combative, controlling...it goes on and on. I think at some point it felt like this extremely “picky” person “chose me” and that feeling he no longer was picking me was where I experienced loss.

 

Not to hijack the thread but I think you make a very good point that could be helpful to her.I would be interested to get Sue’s thoughts on if she has a similar take on her MM when she looks at him objectively. This critical look at both he and myself helped me step out of the fog a bit.

[Naivewomen]

You are absolutely right Aloha!! I completely replaced my husband for the MM. It was tons of torture too. Little by little I kept chipping away and detaching. Completly stopped intimacy at home too. Felt like I was cheating and funny thing is MM was uber jealous he loved the fact that I couldn't sleep with husband. All the while, he was having a grandiose time. Having sex with his wife was never an issue. Nothing changed. In fact, I sat there and watched his marriage getting stronger and stronger. When the pain gets so severe as it did in my case you will run and not walk away. I made sure to tell him that I am going making to my marriage and I will not let this affair define me. I know what I am worth and I told him in the calmest of voices that he simply fell short with providing me what I needed. (This was in August). Painfully I mourned for months sick as a dog. Depressed was an understatement. I felt like I needed a mental institution. 2 weeks ago he called and now stalking again. Finally, I had the AHA moment. He only cares about himself.

[Sue31]

Wow!!! I took a lot of the advice I received as far as not letting MM steal anymore time away from my family and spent the day with them. I actually had glimpses of my old self. I still feel like I could throw up and my heart is stabbing but it was hopeful that being with H and kids was fun and I was present. Of course it was sad and I'm mad at myself because I can feel the difference and really see what I was doing to them for the last 2 years just like you all said.

 

But the WOW is that I was off the board for the day and came back to all of these amazing posts. Thank you to all of you for helping me through this and taking time to write all of this great advice and insight.

Aloha the insight was incredible. I needed to hear all of that. I need to keep reading that post over and over while I'm healing. When you said my A is following a script it made me realize nothing I did with MM was going to make him want to give me what I wanted. It's the nature of this disgusting beast and I can't control it change how it's played out so I have to stop obsessing over woulda shoulda couldas. Also telling me no matter what don't reach out during his time of pulling away or I'll humiliate myself even more. I know in the next few days if I don't hear from him I would have wanted to call or text and say I really didn't follow you and plead my case but all it will do is make me look stupid and I need to keep viewing this as a gift he gave me.

 

I agree that I replaced H with MM exactly how a couple of you described it. Detaching more and more. I think it was a way to justify my actions and keep my guilt buried. I did think about him all the time and even tho MM told me he thinks about me constantly I know he didn't or his actions would have shown it.

And to the OP who said I was over analyzing... thank you!! That is exactly what I'm doing. I'm going over every text and everything he said or I said and how if I had just gone somewhere else that night we wouldn't be apart right now. But instead I need to look at it as it happened for a reason. I was meant to be away from him now.

 

Sorry there were so many great posts I'm forgetting names but the question of how I see MM now. Honestly it still hurts too much to think about him that way. I have had some hurtful things that he said or did pop in my head the last two days so no he's not perfect. At this point I still see the positives and his strengths. When I think of him I still think of how it felt when we were together and how easily we got along. I'm trying to replace that with his negative attributes and see the bad in him but it's just too soon to fully go there.

 

I feel like I made some progress today and feel some hope that one day I will be happy again. The real me was buried so deep I didn't know if I could ever feel peaceful again but even the brief moments today felt really good.

I just want the day to come that I don't wake up with a stomachache and feeling like someone is ripping my heart out. I want to not wake up thinking about MM. I want to go through the day and not wonder what ifs. I want to go through the day and not hope I'll see MM pop up in my text. At this point I still feel like if two weeks go by and he doesn't make contact I will be devastated. I want to get to the place that I don't care if he doesn't reach out. I want to find the stength to say I'm done no matter what MM wants or thinks. I know it won't happen overnight.

[Naivewomen]

Sue, you are making progress. I am in exactly the same boat. I replaced my H for MM. Woman are deeper thinkers we know what we feel and what makes us happy. I dismissed every word my H said to me. Even if he offered to make me a cup of coffee. I was so heavily engrossed with the illusion of words the MM was telling me. It felt near impossible to have 2 worlds. Yet, I soon realized everything MM was saying that as soon as he hung up he compartmentalized those words and left them in the affair box and continued on living the world he knows while destroying mine. Not his fault really, we did it to ourselves. We believed and had faith in their words. We took them to mean he coukdnt live without us. You will have many more sad days trust me. However, you starting to do the right thing for your family will start feeling natural again. Back to reality Sue, stry your best not to dwell on him. It's his loss truly.

[ExpatInItaly]

This was bound to happen sooner or later, OP.

 

It hurts a lot now because you're still deep in the fog, as others have pointed out. But this pain was inevitably going to come. I realize you would have preferred to not have it happen yet, but there was no future here with this man. He was a Band-Aid for the loneliness and isolation you feel in your marriage, but he was never going to be the cure, so to speak.

 

It wasn't the fact that he accused you of following him that put him off. I can nearly guarantee he's just using that as an excuse. His wife has probably started indicating she knows he's up to no good again, or he's met another woman who's interested him.

 

My guess is that he will eventually come sniffing around again, either when his wife is less suspicious or when whatever other woman he's seeing has backed off. You need to ask yourself what you are prepared to do about that. That is where your true test of strength will happen. Are you going to be able to ignore him or tell him it's over for good? Are you going to ask him to be with you? Are you going to jump right back into this all over again?

 

Also, do consider what is going to happen if this is exposed someday. Some affairs remain hidden forever, but many are discovered. Think carefully about what you would do if your husband finds out. Ask yourself what you will say to him, your children, and your friends and other family member if the secret is revealed that far. Will it all be worth it when your family and reputation is shattered to bits? If you find your MM hard to resist on your own volition or for the sake of your marriage, do it for your kids' sake.

[LimeBlue]

I really don't know how I could have so much damn insight into the dynamics of it all and yet still feel so stuck and incapable of making a change in my own situation. In some ways I just want MM to be the one to end it so then there will be no choice but to move on.

 

Be careful what you wish for...

 

MW here, affair with MM for 4 years. I have since separated and he has since divorced (July 18). Since his divorce, he got pretty nasty with me. Since mid November, I noticed a considerable change in him towards me. I think he met someone else.

 

We did not talk for a few weeks, then come 14 December, he "wanted to talk". We met, he had all my stuff in his car that I had kept at his new apartment, and he asked for his keys back (he had given me keys when he moved in).

 

It has been the most devastating thing I have EVER endured. On Christmas morning he took down his single status on FB, and he also did NOT wish me for Christmas. I heard nothing from him. This was the most painful Christmas ever.

 

I did since contact him, only to be told how sorry he is, he has met someone else and he is moving on with her. I pretty much have not stopped crying since the 14th December. I am devastated.

 

His excuse? That I am not yet divorced and he cannot continue with a married woman (even though my divorce will be through soon).

 

So that is why I am back here, again, because of him ripping my heart to shreds. He just was not willing to wait a while longer, even though I have waited for him as well for the same length of time.

Edited January 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Missedmistress]

{snip} So that is why I am back here, again, because of him ripping my heart to shreds. He just was not willing to wait a while longer, even though I have waited for him as well for the same length of time.

 

OMG, I'm so sorry, this sounds like an absolute hell. Take care of yourself.

Edited January 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Naivewomen]

Help!! Hes back!! Telling me he misses me and etc. He cant leave his family but cant take that I am out of his life. He swears hes not fully happy at home. He has less guilt but the feelings for me persist.

[Dreamer2017]

Sue,

 

I do believe your husband has the right to know the truth. I hope you have enough in your heart to be the woman you know you are and be totally honest.

 

Good luck on the positive steps you have taken on your journey.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[Abetterme]

@naivewoman - No! Back away from that landmine. I encourage you to read through all of your posts and your own great advice in this thread and apply it. You’ve worked extremely hard and you clearly see him for what he is. I know this feels wonderful in the moment, but don’t let your progress be in vain. You knew he’d be back, you were prepared. How is he contacting you? Block him!!!! And keep your sanity. Your husband and family deserve it!!!!