I'm broken hearted.. will I ever be happy again?

[Naivewomen]

@abetterme. This is what he does. He showed up where I get coffee. He was waiting outside his car for me today in the parking lot. As soon as I parked he ran over to me and embraced me. Telling me he misses me so much in my ear. Telling me he cant believe how he screwed things up with me. He said I wont stalk you I just wanted you to know that I miss u deeply and I wanted to say hi. He said I will live with regret for pushing you away. I told him you will not. Our children's lives are first and foremost we must do the right thing for them. He agrees. I don't know what his next move is. I was making progress now I sniff his cologne all over me like an addict. Omg!! I'm so weak to him its unreal. I dont let him know it as I pretend I'm so strong and healing. I'm really not!! Cant focus at all at work today. Ughh

[Abetterme]

@naivewoman - Wow, I’m sorry. He really is horrible. Last year my xMM withdrew and we went NC for nearly 3 months. We aren’t in the same city, but I had business travel in his city 10 weeks later. He found out I’d be in town and ambushed me at a social event with mutual friends where I couldn’t make a scene and tell him to get lost. I was sick about it then, and more so now and full of rage because I went right back into the fire and he knew I would. The next 7-8 months were pure torture.

 

You did well, I know how rough it is and I am so thankful I live nowhere near mine. Did you explicitly ask him to leave you alone? It may not feel like it now, but you are healing. Keep the pain of the last year in the forefront and send him packing. It’s not your concern to worry about “his pain and regret” or family. Only your and your family’s well-being. I am so mad at that jerk for you!!

 

I’m not sure if you’ve said, but are you in IC? If so...get in there. Get your head straight and move forward with continued NC.

[Naivewomen]

@abetterme. Ughh did u finally get over him. I guess u need to fully be fueled with rage and I'm not for whatever reason. I am healing or was. Yes, I am with IC. She has given me some bit so great advice. I guess I was very convincing and made her believe that we were so in love. She told me to hold on and see if anything changes. I was so brainwashed I even brainwashed my counselor. Lol. I made her believe he loved me the way I loved him. So not the case now that my head is out of the fog. I guess it's some type of reassurance because my marriage is still not great. My intimacy and attraction to my spouse has been my ultimate penalty and at a very large cost. My husband is a great loving man who walks on eggshells around me. I feel like I deserve to be alone from all the pain and struggles I have caused everyone. No I haven't told me to leave me alone. I am way too damn nice and he knows it. I suffered this deep intense pain and walked away without a mean word. I wanted to keep my integrity intact. Thank u for your post. I keep rereading all of them including my own.

[Abetterme]

@naivewoman - I am certainly not over him, but I do know that I don’t want to be in any type of relationship with him ever again because it is only pain. I don’t think you need to have rage but you said in one of your prior posts in response to me “you’re vulnerable, but don’t because you’ll be headed toward a round 3 of heartache which is what I’d be doing if I let his sweet talking affect me”.

 

I think as DKT3 discussed above, its been a form of replacement of our husbands which prevents real connection with them. The OM being anywhere in your frame of reference is a detriment to that connection. He knows it and he doesn’t care what you’ve asked of him. Your OM will try to make contact again very soon I’m sure. What will you do? You need to be firm that you want him out of your life. I’m sending you strength!

[Bufo]

Rule Number One for the cheating married man is that it is always easier to keep the AP you have than to find, groom and seduce a replacement AP. Thus, you may well expect that he will contact you with hopes of reviving the A.

 

Your current situation is problem A. Problem B will arrive when he contacts you. What will you do? Jump back into the fire or act in your own best interest and reject his pleas and promises? Problem C isn’t on your radar yet but will arrive if and when your H learns of the A. Do you tell H you had an A or hope that he never finds out?

 

You seem to be suffering from an addiction to hopium—hoping that everything turns out as you want it to. But you know MM isn’t in love with you and never was. Plan accordingly.

[Sue31]

Well it's been a week since the incident happened and NC since Friday. I have moments the stomach ache and pain in my chest goes away but it's still debilitating at times. I'm trying so hard to give everything to kids and H and get MM out of my head. I have brief moments I see my old self and get excited to have that life back. I withdrew from everyone the last two years and I'm realize now it was out of shame. How could I act like this fun outgoing friendly woman when I know what I was doing in the dark. I lost a lot of myself during this A.

 

I also have many moments during the day that I say what happened running into him was for the best. If I hadn't gone there that night then I'd still be livng this limbo life of when is he going to call, what isn't he calling, when will I see him, are his feelings changing for me..... so pathetic. At least now I know... we'll feel like.... he hates me and never want to see or speak to me again. Ouch that hurts like hell. One day I hope I can laugh that he doesn't want to see me and say so what. But today I'm still missisng him and the thought of him hating me hurts so bad. There are moments that the stomachache and pain are so bad I feel paralyzed and just want to crawl in my bed. I'm trying to stay busy so the days go fast and I don't think about it. It hurts to think everything we shared the last 2 years means so little to him that he can cut me off and never speak to me again. Does he even think about me or miss me? I also want those questions to not even matter to me anymore. I want to get to a point that I don't care what he's doing and have it all be a bad dream.

 

Until I really can heal I guess I keep doing what I'm doing, coming here for advice and to be able to get it all out, spend time with H and kids and be present and enjoy moments with them, figure out my personal issues and how I let this happen.

[Naivewomen]

@abetterme has ur connection in your marriage improved??? What bothers me is he says these words like I dont want you out of my life and i miss you and etc but no real effort to keep me in his world. Strictly at his convenience. I was so naive to believe his words when I knew deep down his actions did not match. He waited until I was in so deep that he was able to get away with so much. How do they put their heads on the pillow at night. I equate this to the forecast. This affair felt like a category 4 tornado it has since downgraded to a tropical storm as far as intensity. But it still doesnt help with the miss and the sexual connection that I do not have with my spouse. Feels like a no win battle. He lost nothing at home. Living a normal happy life. This is what bothers me the most.

[Abetterme]

@Sue - Well done continuing not to reach out. I know it still hurts, but you’re powering through. I would continue to be prepared for how you will react when he reaches out because he will once he cools off.

 

@naivewoman - I would say me being back in my life to the best of my ability does help my connection. Has it magically turned into the intensity I had with my xAP overnight? Are we having magical sex every day? Of course not, but it also hasn’t returned to how my H and I were in our first year of dating which was as intense as my A. I just know that is what a mature love looks like and there is absolutely no good in comparing it to the A. They are not even remotely in the same ballpark, nor should they be. My A was maybe a bit strange in comparison to what I’ve read for lots of folks here in that we both seemed to have good relationships prior to this. We never bad talked our spouses or future faked (he maybe did for a minute but nothing serious). We both knew we were never leaving. Our A was nearly 3 years. 6 mnth EA affair before moving to physical. It maybe is easier for me because there were extenuating circumstances this last year that made the relationship pure torture for me. I choose to think of that pain rather than all the positives in our early A and it reminds me what was “real”’ in that situation. His actions also spoke volumes.

[Naivewomen]

@Bufo. I agree with everything you stated. But I do believe he had deep feelings. Love or not he never would have come back to me. He was caught several times by his wife throughout a year. He returned everytime. Most MM ditch the A and never look back. They recommit to their wives knowing full well they dont want to loose their families. He never stopped coming for me but the guilt and dishonesty took over his heart. She believed I was out of his life and he was struggling from the hurt he caused her. Selfishly he still wanted me hence the push/pull. Anyway, I see that it's not a forver tjing now. I have my head screwed on right. Just need my heart to heal completely. Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories.

[Naivewomen]

@abetterme. I guess mine was similar. He told me right off the bat that divorce is not an option. He knew I wouldn't stay after a while. When my emotions were getting deeper he made me believe it's me he wanted. My H is a way better man than he. I just lost complete attraction and the bond. I am afraid I will be in a shell of a marriage. I dont want to divorce as hes a really good guy and a great father. I hope with all of my lies and deceit I find contentment. I want to win my life back and will have to fight for it. It will not come easy. As long as I hold onto any emotion surrounding this A it will hold me down. Ughh!

[Sue31]

@Sue - Well done continuing not to reach out. I know it still hurts, but you’re powering through. I would continue to be prepared for how you will react when he reaches out because he will once he cools off

 

 

Thank you... I'm trying to muster up strength each hour. I haven't eaten all weak I feel so sick. I've been able to push MM out of my thoughts at times and other times I'm focusing on the things he did or said that causes me hurt and stress the last year. Trying to clear this fog!! I'm also trying to look at H in a fair light and not through the fog. Yes he has some things that he needs to work on too but I definitely and unfairly magnified his shortcomings in order to justify what I was doing. H has made changes in the last year and maybe it's because he felt my disconnect.

 

Anetterme.... I really don't think MM will ever reach out. He's stubborn and I've seen him cut family members and friends off. MM compartmentalizes and I feel he's an out of sight out of mind man. So he is probably busy with the situations at home he has and spending time with a new AP. I truly feel as if I won't even cross his mind. That's what hurts. But I don't knkw if those thoughts are from years of feeling not adequate enough in my marriage and invisible so I feel MM will do the same or if I just know MM that well and he will never reach out. That hurts but I have to get through it .

[BaileyB]

If I had a quarter for every woman in this board who swore “my MM will never contact me again, I am sure of it...”

 

Only to have him reach out two weeks, two months, or two years later... to test the water and see if there is any possibility of more sex...

 

Maybe your MM is different. It says something about the kind of person he is if he can cut people out of his life that way - another big “con” on the “pro/con” list you are currently creating, if you ask me...

 

But, I think he will reach out when the dust settles and it is convenient for him.

[whatcomesnext]

They don’t always come back. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. It was somewhat harmful to me when people kept saying “they always come back” because it created this sense of hope for an inevitable return instead of a focus on moving forward without him. I think people often say it to try to prepare the OW so she has a plan of what she will do, but when you are heartbroken and missing someone it creates not only hope but a sense of inadequacy (further plummeting an already decimated self-esteem) when your MM doesn’t come back despite the fact that “everyone” does. They “all” come back except not for you. Mine didn’t come back. It’s been a year and a half. We never had sex so if he ever did return it wouldn’t be for more of that. I would not count his return as inevitable. He may or may not, but, if he does, know what you would want to do.

[brokenandhopeless]

Hi - I am also a MW involved with an MM in a very similar relationship -- except in my instance it's more of a vicious cycle of intensity versus indifference on his end. Here are a few things I have learned from this forum.

1. In reading your thread, I had a revelation, which is that we MW do in fact compartmentalize just as much as the MM does. But it's in reverse. Our marriage becomes an afterthought, something that we put on the backburner, and the MM soon becomes the primary relationship in our head. With MMs the exact opposite is true - the marriage is usually their priority and the MW is and afterthought. Hell, at least the MMs have their priorities straight!

 

The best thing you can do is to keep coming back and reading and posting on these forums. If nothing else, the experience of others serves as a looking glass into our own situations, and provides some much needed perspective.

 

I just can't emphasize how much #1 hit home and how true it is. Although it should have been evident to me, in the fog, it was not so clear. I needed this to be put in writing for it to sink in.

[brokenandhopeless]

@abetterme. I guess mine was similar. He told me right off the bat that divorce is not an option. He knew I wouldn't stay after a while. When my emotions were getting deeper he made me believe it's me he wanted. My H is a way better man than he. I just lost complete attraction and the bond. I am afraid I will be in a shell of a marriage. I dont want to divorce as hes a really good guy and a great father. I hope with all of my lies and deceit I find contentment. I want to win my life back and will have to fight for it. It will not come easy. As long as I hold onto any emotion surrounding this A it will hold me down. Ughh!

 

I totally get this too. My H is a way better man, a good guy, and a fantastic father and I just don't understand then why I lost the attraction and bond and am fantasizing in a one-sided EA. May be it was the stability and I needed drama and the highs. Yikes..what a downward spiral this has caused.

[DKT3]

Brokenandhopeless, I think its amazing that you recognize something that most women in your situation refuse to recognize. The major draw is the emotional rollercoaster that a life with a stable comfortable reliable men can no longer provide.

 

As teenagers girls want the unattainable guy, the one they need to change or mold, the guy with an edge. Then you get one, he matures into a boring dude that takes his daughter to soccer practice and the dairy queen afterwards. Sweet, reliable and boring. Along come a opportunity to jump on that emotional rollercoaster. The highs are high, maybe in your current frame of mind the highest you've ever experienced. Same with the low. As good as it can be or as bad it still offers that range of emotions that simply cant be manufactured with a guy that shows up everyday, works he butt off to provide and you have to pick up his dirty underpants...where is the romantic and mystery of that? Boring present long term guys just dont do it.

[brokenandhopeless]

DKT3: Hit..Nail...On...The...Head...

 

I can tell you that from this one-sided EA, there is 70% lows and 30% highs. To be very honest. And to be honest he wouldn't care if I disappeared nor bat an eyelid. Yet the highs somehow outweigh lows most of the time. Time to kick that to the curb.

 

 

Enough said .

[whatcomesnext]

^^Truer words never spoken.

[Amethyst68]

Can I ask you if you have a plan for the slight chance that he does contact you?

 

Are you going to stay strong and keep going with NC and detaching? Getting back to your real life? Or will you run headfirst back into the affair?

[Sue31]

Can I ask you if you have a plan for the slight chance that he does contact you?

 

Are you going to stay strong and keep going with NC and detaching? Getting back to your real life? Or will you run headfirst back into the affair?

 

That is a great question. 2 days ago I would have been too weak to stay NC. Today, even though I still can't eat, my heart is racing, my stomach is in knots, I'm close to tears at the thought of MM, I have no desire to respond or see him. I'm so hurt by his actions and the thought of him doing what he did with me with several other OW makes me sick. I feel humiliated, embarrassed, insignificant, unwanted, like a complete fool. And then for him to cut me off because he acted like I was following him and said neither of us needs that extra stress makes it out like I'm some crazed OW who's stalking him. It's bad enough he's not speaking to me but to make it because of something I didn't even do jist hurts even more.

 

Today was tough. I thought I was doing better but today I keep wondering what he thinks if me. Is he sitting there thinking I am a fool, is he thinking I'm some pest who leached onto him and that's why the whole following thing, did he find someone else and just wanted a reason to get rid of me. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could erase him from my memory. Part of me wants to have a conversation with him tondefend myself but I don't think he really cares.

 

So right nkw today the answer to your questions is I am truly hoping he reaches out so I can NOT respond and feel like I had the last word. So childish but I'm being honest. I want to be able to show him I don't need him and he can have whatever OW he wants. The more days that go on the more disgusted I am by him. Today I almost called him because I wanted to speak my peace but instead I came here and read all the messages you have all written. It gave me strength to put the phone down and breath until the temptation passed.

 

I keep telling myself I deserve this pain for what I did to H and kids so I'm almost welcoming the pain. I deserve it. It's my punishment.

[Sue31]

To add to that.... I know I sound desperate for him when getting all my feelings out but I didn't fall in love alone. I drug my feet on the A and MM was the one who was always texting and calling and asking to meet up. He would beg me not to leave him once I had to go. If he texted in the morning and I didn't text until afternoon he would say he felt funny not hearing from me all morning. He said he never felt like this and that he thinks about me all the time wants to see me every day. I know I know they all say it../. My point is I wasn't chasing him wanting an A. The first 6 months he was the one trying to win me over.

[Abetterme]

Hi Sue - Glad you keep coming here and writing. It helps me too and everything you write I’ve said myself and some point or another.

 

My A followed much the same pattern. He pushed and pushed and pushed the emotional and then was the one to start backing away. The examples you gave - literally almost identical. I think that’s why doing a lot of reading on limerance has helped. We talked about it above but there is a script. These relationships ultimately have nowhere to go so they enter a deterioration phase. Typically the person to enter “limerance” first (which sounds like for both of us our APs were more likely to have done so) is typically the person to leave it first and the other is trying to pull them back (as we both likely did) to their own detriment.

 

I don’t mean to continue insinuating that you aren’t strong enough to withstand him, but during my first real NC with my xMM I wasn’t very honest with myself about how much I wanted him back so when he showed up - I was a goner. I had convinced myself much like you that he never would and did not establish my own ground rules. I regret that every minute or every day. Although there are definitely moments where like you, I want him to reach out just so I can blow him off :-P

 

Keep taking it day by day. It will get better.

[Sue31]

Abetterme.... I can't thank you enough for your insight and advice. So many of you (bailyb, dkt3, sorry blanking on names but so many of you) have folkeed this thread and keep saying things I need to hear. It's balling me get out of the fog and own up to my mistakes.

I didn't take that as insinuating I wasn't strong enough because the truth is I'm not. I need you to point those things out so I'm not caught off guard and take 29 steps back from the 2-3 forward progress steps I've taken. I just truly can't see him making contact now. He truly compartmentalizes and I think I was always put in a box on the shelf the last 6 months until I texted or called. So now I'm in a box on a shelf with a big ol padlock lol.

 

In reading other boards I think it was a case like many others.... he sucked me in, he showered me with attention and affection and time and physical touch. All the things I was craving. I do fully believe he fell in love with me. But then some financial and personal issues hit him and he was overwhelmed and stressed so he didn't have as much to give me. The more he pulled back, the more I texted or called. We went from seeing each other 2-4x a week to once a week to once every 10 days or longer. I could feel him drifting away but he kept saying it was his issues and we we're good. My gut told me it was more OW or the novelty wore off and he wasn't as excited about me because the chase was over. He still said he loved me and did things to show me often but something shifted. So my efforts to get the spark back ultimately pushed him away. I think he felt smothered by his stress and juggling me and his wife. So when he saw me there that night either he really was with someone else and deferred the guilt to me for following him or it was an easy way out for him to break it off and look like It was my fault. What hurts today is it's been a week and you supposedly love me but you aren't concerned with how I'm dojng? We had an intense 2 year love affair and you aren't even checking on me?? That tells me all I need to know.

So even tho everyone keeps saying he will reach out... my gut says he won't. He will avoid me and if I called he would ignore my call.

[LimeBlue]

They don’t always come back. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. It was somewhat harmful to me when people kept saying “they always come back” because it created this sense of hope for an inevitable return instead of a focus on moving forward without him. I think people often say it to try to prepare the OW so she has a plan of what she will do, but when you are heartbroken and missing someone it creates not only hope but a sense of inadequacy (further plummeting an already decimated self-esteem) when your MM doesn’t come back despite the fact that “everyone” does. They “all” come back except not for you. Mine didn’t come back. It’s been a year and a half. We never had sex so if he ever did return it wouldn’t be for more of that. I would not count his return as inevitable. He may or may not, but, if he does, know what you would want to do.

 

I so agree with you here. Everyone, even my psychologist, is telling me that he will come back.

 

No, he won't. He is done. I know how his mind works, he has discarded me for someone else. He took his house keys back, gave me my stuff back, and said he never wants to hear from me or see me again.

 

Yet, the lingering hope remains. Hope that things fail with his new girl, hope that he misses me, hope, hope, hope.

 

This was going on for four years, and this time his entire dialogue and demeanour towards me changed. That is how I know he is not coming back, ever. I will never see him ever again, I will never hold him again, kiss him again, yet the hope for a future with him lingers.

 

I don't know how to quit hoping.

 

He even changed his relationship status on FB this morning. I am gutted.

[Sue31]

I so agree with you here. Everyone, even my psychologist, is telling me that he will come back.

 

No, he won't. He is done. I know how his mind works, he has discarded me for someone else. He took his house keys back, gave me my stuff back, and said he never wants to hear from me or see me again.

 

Yet, the lingering hope remains. Hope that things fail with his new girl, hope that he misses me, hope, hope, hope.

 

This was going on for four years, and this time his entire dialogue and demeanour towards me changed. That is how I know he is not coming back, ever. I will never see him ever again, I will never hold him again, kiss him again, yet the hope for a future with him lingers.

 

I don't know how to quit hoping.

 

He even changed his relationship status on FB this morning. I am gutted.

 

 

Limeblue... I'm so sorry for your pain. "Gutted" is the perfect word. I'm in the same boat. I feel like I know MM so well and I know that he is done. I catch myself hoping it's him when I hear a text. Hoping he calls. Hoping he reaches out in some way. I also pray rhat he's taken out of my head and my heart so I'll stop hoping but it's not happening fast enough. I knew this couldn't go on forever but I never stopped to think about how it would end or how painful it would be. I wish I could go back 3 years ago when I hadn't reconnected with him. That I never fell in love with him. That I never got so weak that I allowed myself to step outside my marriage. But I've created this mess and now I have to deal with the pain. At this point I feel like it was so easy for him to drop me and go on with his life. I picture him with his Famly, with OW or multiple OW, with his friends.... not even giving me a second thought while I'm over here physically ill. I'm trying so hard to remove thoughts of him and focus on repairing my M and each day finding good in H and listing in my head the good H has and does. I can feel our R getting better because I'm not so distracted.

 

Any OW find reconnecting sexually with H a challenge? Touchy subject I know.

Id like to hear how fOW reconnected sexually with your H and got that attraction back.