I'm broken hearted.. will I ever be happy again?

[Dreamer2017]

Sue,

 

My suggestion is to talk to your husband and ask him for a divorce. It's not fair to him as your partner to live this life of disrespect and give all of yourself to the OM who doesn't care about you. I think you should do the right thing for a chance and offer your husband a divorce and move on with your life.

 

Dreamer

[Sue31]

Dreamer2017 that is pretty harsh advice for not knowing the entire background. I know you can only go based off what I've shared but I was under the impression this was a safe place for OW/OM to express their stories, trials, pain, triumphs and seek support and advice. I'm one week from an A abruptly ending and having MM accuse me of following him then basically end things through text (even tho he didn't outright say it's over) and then ghost me.

 

So regardless of the fact that my pain is very well deserved and I brought this all on myself, I'm still in incredible pain. I haven't eaten in a week, my heart and stomach hurt so bad it's hard to function. I'm guilt ridden, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm lost. This board is the one place I can come to let everything out with the hopes of healing. Yes I'm a terrible awful person for having an A. Yes I'm a disgusting human for doing this to H. Yes I've acted selfishly and self-absorbed and any other name you would like to throw out there. But I am still a human who is in an incredible amount of pain. I'm sorry for whatever circumstances you have been through that have hardened you and lack compassion despite the topic.

 

I own everything I did and in my previous oost even said I'm welcoming the pain because it's my punishment and I deserve every ounce of pain I'm feeling.

But if I can't come here for support and advice and understanding from those who have been in my same position then I have nobody to talk to and will have to attempt to navigate this on my own. That's a hard thing when you can't see clearly because your clouded and confused.

 

I have also stated in early losts that I see no reason to trash H because this board is OW/OM. I need to find ways to get them out if the affair fog, which I feel lifting daily), find ways to stop missing MM, to stop loving MM. I need to figure out ways to live with ever knowing if he really loves me, if he's missing me right now too, if his heart is broken. If he can really just turn me off like a light switch and never speak to me again. But none of that means I don't love H. I just know I have to work through all of that to give H all of me and try to rebuild our life and our marriage. You have no idea what I do on a daily basis for H and how hard I'm trying.

 

But today I feel broken and crying and sick. I was hoping for words of wisdom and support from OM who could tell me if they missed OW when they broke off the affair or was it all just a game to them? I was hoping for advice from OW on how they got through the pain. Because that's where I am at today. I don't need advice on if I should get divorced when I haven't even spoken about the details of my marriage.

 

So if anyone can give me input on those questions I would greatly appreciate it. Do I deserve understanding and support .... obviously not, I'm the scum who cheated.... but I'm a woman who made a mistake and now I'm trying to find my way back home to myself. The person I lost through all of this.

Edited January 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Naivewomen]

@Sue31

I will help u!! Is there a way to private message me . I know how it feels to have no one to talk through. I'm in the same shoes as u.. we can help each other. I'm a little further alone. I can tell u how u will feel when 3 months have passed and he returns. Find a way to message me. I dont get this site lol

[Sue31]

Naivewoman I would really appreciate that!! I really need someone to talk to thank you. Let's figure out how to private message.

[DKT3]

Sue, part of healing is being honest about you situation.

 

I will share with you this. When I suspected my wife cheated I racked my brain and everything else looking for proof. One day I was having a conversation with my brother and he said I was actually looking for proof that she didn't cheat because I already had all the proof that she had.

 

You already know he doesn't love you, you have said so in round about ways several times. Time to accept this. Doing so will start to speed your healing.

 

Also, the last post wasnt at all judgemental, its simply a subject you want to avoid. I mean how can you be trying in your marriage if all you energy is being spent on this other guy?

 

Lastly, you have said several times that "I'm not going to bash my husband " by continuing to repeat this over and over again you are saying there is alot you are bashing your husband about, just not saying why.

 

You are being dishonest with yourself about a lot here, first step is fixing that problem.

[Naivewomen]

@sue31. I have been looking ever since. I dont see anything. Grrr!!

[DKT3]

Private messages come with 50 posts or 30 days active I believe.

[S2B]

Ughh what a piece of S$$$! Hes a serial cheater that loves nobody but himself. The worst kind. You were handed a bigger gift than you know my friend. You dodged a big bullet!! Its a blessing you know now before further destruction!! I have been seeing a therapist. I enjoy it immensely. It was the only way for me to break off things. I needed help that's how deep my fog was. I believed he was Prince Charming!! They will never even suffer the way we are!! They close this chapter faster need to do the same and learn. I truly hope I can fix my marriage now. My happiness took a major hit but this will not define me. Hope I helped a bit.

 

It’s true, he’s only thinking of himself!

 

Be careful, he will start pursuing again when his current OW disappears or starts making demands from him.

 

Be ready (and strong enough) to say nothing to him.

 

See a counselor to help you fix what’s broken inside (the reason you cheated).

 

Seek help in gaining ideas about how to make your marriage stronger.

[Daisy2013]

 

But today I feel broken and crying and sick. I was hoping for words of wisdom and support from OM who could tell me if they missed OW when they broke off the affair or was it all just a game to them? I was hoping for advice from OW on how they got through the pain. Because that's where I am at today. I don't need advice on if I should get divorced when I haven't even spoken about the details of my marriage.

 

So if anyone can give me input on those questions I would greatly appreciate it. Do I deserve understanding and support .... obviously not, I'm the scum who cheated.... but I'm a woman who made a mistake and now I'm trying to find my way back home to myself. The person I lost through all of this.

 

I got through the pain by letting my wall rebuild that he had been able to remove. I’m a slow learner and it took a few years, but eventually the hurt began to build up and eventually the hurt put the wall back up and made me feel less inside, where I was just empty, so I cried less and hurt less. Then reached “oh well.”, Not the best way, but it is how I worked through it.

[Sue31]

Thank you S2b

I am going to IC and although I have a lot of work to do I can see why I got myself into this mess. Working on my issues is tough but I want to be happy again. I felt like a shell of myself the last 2 years and so undeserving of anything good because I knew the A was so wrong. But while in the A and moments with MM I was being filled up and getting that high and hearing things and feeling things I had craved for years. Such an evil game we play with ourselves.

[Sue31]

DKT3 ... all very valid and fair points. I appreciate the all your points as they are coming from a different viewpoint.

 

I think when I keep saying did he really love me it's because I want confirmation that I wasn't just a fool for the last 2 years and risking everything for someone I thought was in love with me... because he said he was. But how can you drop someone without a second thought if you're really in love with them. But as you said I need to accept it and move on. I can dwell all day and overthink and overprocess it's not going to change anything.

 

I hope I can start being more honest with myself as the pain subsides and I can think straight.

 

The post above I didn't appreciate because I felt it was bad advice to tell someone 6 day into a A abruptly ending to ask their husband for a divorce when I've stated several times I am distraught and in pain and confused, how about give me straight forward advice as you have to make me work through issues before a knee jerk reaction of asking for a divorce. Just my opinion.

[Daisy2013]

I think in a long term affair, they do love us in some way. Just not enough or they are too cowardly to leave. Mine stayed but is completely miserable and just wants to run away. All he does is mope and complain. But he is afraid to ruin his good image.

[DKT3]

Sue31

 

Again, if your being honest, this isnt a all of a sudden situation. You have been stealing from your husband and family for 2 years.

 

Question, how did you think this would all work out?

 

What would you have done if the MM would have said let's leave our spouses and be together?

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Sue,

 

I’m sorry you were offended by my comments; it wasn’t meant as an act to destroy you, but hoping to wake you up. You had stated in your earlier post that you didn’t have any issues in your marriage but you chose to have an affair.

 

What I was trying to get across, that you are throwing away your beautiful family for someone who I felt never cared about you. He only desires a path to fill his own fulfillment. Believe me, it wasn’t a knee jerk reaction, but using a few sentences with meaning.

 

Yes, I was betrayed by my wife after many years of marriage and I was blindsided and it almost destroyed me. I gave my wife everything and was totally attentive to her and my family. I’m asking you to be honest with your husband and to yourself; that is the first step to recovery. You and your husband working together as ONE can be a method to healing for your entire family.

 

I hope is that you can mend the broken fences and survived this infidelity and move forward require joy, peace, and happiness for you and your entire family.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[Naivewomen]

Daisy2013. R u still having an affair with MM?? Do u still speak to him?? I was always hopeful we could remain friends. I see this an near impossible. This is what bothers me most. We had a great friendship before this. Women can be friends with men. I have several Male friends that I used to work with that I still talk too. I worked in the company for 17 years they became family members. I guess men cant do this??? I dont want to wreck any bodies families I never did. I just was way too deeply attached to this man. He blew my mind!! However, I am able to maintain a friendship. Every once in a while check in. Does anyone have this??? Its not even to remain hopeful it's just genuine well wishes.

[S2B]

Have you been completely honest with your counselor?

 

What have the suggestions by the counselor been... to help you change things? Have you done the things the counselor suggested?

Edited January 12, 2019 by S2B

[Naivewomen]

My question still remains as to why MM wants two women?? He is returning with miss yous and blah blah all while hes happily married? Any MM's opinions would be greatly appreciated here but it seems like non of them seem to surface.

[DKT3]

Not a unfaithful husband but the two women thing is just basic male desire.

 

Read an article once, asking 1000 men and women would they have multiple sex partners if they could keep it completely secret....94% of men answered yes 63% of women answered yes.

[Bittersweetie]

Sue, posters on this site used to be very, very rude to MOW. Dreamer's post is actually very tame to posts I've seen and received.

 

I will share with you something I've learned about being on this site a while: posts that piss me off that most usually do so because they are touching a nerve I need to examine.

 

Yes, you are newly hurt by xAP. But the fact is you are married too. For the last 1.5 years your husband has been living a lie...what he thinks is his family and marriage reality...is not. You have taken that away from him.

 

While it may be slightly premature, Dreamer has a valid point. You have been spending your focus and energy on another man at the expense of your husband and family. You made the choice to have an affair and to disrespect your marriage, your husband, even yourself. I know you are in a lot of pain right now but it is time to understand the consequences of your choices and start thinking about next steps. The steps don't need to be big, but you can start moving forward at any time. Good luck.

[S2B]

My question still remains as to why MM wants two women?? He is returning with miss yous and blah blah all while hes happily married? Any MM's opinions would be greatly appreciated here but it seems like non of them seem to surface.

 

Because they can.

Because they are greedy and never happy.

Because they are selfish and self centered.

Because they need a constant ego boost.

 

Because they know if they say the marriage is happy the OW won’t expect him to leave his W.

 

All of the above... and more - but you get the idea... none of them make him a decent man.

 

All of them make him a terrible partner to anyone.

[elaine567]

My question still remains as to why MM wants two women?? He is returning with miss yous and blah blah all while hes happily married? Any MM's opinions would be greatly appreciated here but it seems like non of them seem to surface.

We have had a few.

 

jenkins95 is an ex MM that has written at length about his feelings.

[Overtaxed]

Not a unfaithful husband but the two women thing is just basic male desire.

 

I'm glad you said it first.

 

I'm not a cheater either, but asking why a man would want to have sex with 2 women results in a very quizzical look on my face. It's as basic a male desire as exists. We're built to spread seed, it's in our genes to want to sleep with multiple women. THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR CHEATING! It's also in our genes to kill the SOB who sleeps with our wives, very few of us do that.

 

But an important distinction does arise here that needs to be raised. Having 2 women available for sex, or 2 women having sex with you in the same day or at the same time? All pretty common male fantasies/desires. But having 2 wives? I know exactly 0 men who fantasize about that. 2 lovers, or a wife and something on the side? Yeah, again, I think that most men can sympathize with the desire even if we strongly condemn the results.

 

He is returning with miss yous and blah blah all while hes happily married?

 

And this.. Well; he's doing this because it works. Men are results oriented. If "saying X gets me Y" and Y is "sex" well then, guess what? A whole lot of men are going to line up say X. If he said "I really feel like having sex with you again" instead of "I miss you so much, your so special to me" what would you do? Most women will respond positively to the 2nd and negatively to the first. And if saying the 2nd leads to sex anyway, well then, that's what we'll say.

Edited January 12, 2019 by Overtaxed

[OpenBook]

Men are results oriented. If "saying X gets me Y" and Y is "sex" well then, guess what? A whole lot of men are going to line up say X. If he said "I really feel like having sex with you again" instead of "I miss you so much, your so special to me" what would you do? Most women will respond positively to the 2nd and negatively to the first. And if saying the 2nd leads to sex anyway, well then, that's what we'll say.

 

Even if it's not the truth? Doesn't that bother your conscience - being deceptive/untruthful to manipulate another human being to get what you want out of them?

 

I know what you're saying is true - it's been my experience with 99.9% of all the men I've ever met ever. I'll give you guys one thing - you're all very consistent. It's just always puzzled me, that aspect. Don't you value personal integrity?

[Overtaxed]

Even if it's not the truth? Doesn't that bother your conscience - being deceptive/untruthful to manipulate another human being to get what you want out of them?

 

I know what you're saying is true - it's been my experience with 99.9% of all the men I've ever met ever. I'll give you guys one thing - you're all very consistent. It's just always puzzled me, that aspect. Don't you value personal integrity?

 

You know, before my W's A, I never thought about it. I didn't see it as manipulating women, I thought of it as playing a game. A game that we all know we're playing and we all want to play. To put it another way, I saw it like wearing makeup for a woman. I know that the skin over your eyes isn't actually blue. But it looks nice, and I like it, so we'll all pretend that it's not paint. I thought that the "I love yous" to a women I'm casually aquainted with, or the "I'll call you in the morning" was the same thing. We all know it's "makeup" it's not real, but we both just want to sleep together, so I'll say this to make you feel good, just like you wear makeup to make me feel good.

 

It's only when my W's A hit that I started to look at it differently. Because that's when it became clear to me that it wasn't a game, that people were basing decisions on the words that I (and my W's AP) said. Put another way, she really did think that the skin over his eyes was blue and was very upset and hurt when it turned out to be makeup.

 

I had no idea that women actually valued the words. I knew they liked them (makeup) but I thought we all knew it was fake/make believe. So, to answer your question, no, it didn't bother me morally because I thought we were on equal footing and that we all actually wanted the same thing (a hook up/ONS/etc). I was raised with the "women like sex just as much as men" beat into my head, so it was obvious to me, if that's true, that of course we're just talking as the prelude to what both of us want (but cannot say because of the rules of polite society). Learning that none of this was true, that women were really hurt by my actions, that a lot of women likely slept with me because I made them think something was true that wasn't.. Well, it's caused me to have a very different view of my past and, if I'm honest, a rather hopeless view of a future dating should I move to D my WW.

[DKT3]

Even if it's not the truth? Doesn't that bother your conscience - being deceptive/untruthful to manipulate another human being to get what you want out of them?

 

I know what you're saying is true - it's been my experience with 99.9% of all the men I've ever met ever. I'll give you guys one thing - you're all very consistent. It's just always puzzled me, that aspect. Don't you value personal integrity?

 

Women are just as deceptive and manipulative in the dating/relationship game. Maybe 1 of 100 is honest about their sexual histories. They hide many things under the assumption that men can't handle the truth.

 

In affairs everyone is lying to someone, just seems that women involved think they deserve better than they give. No victims between AP, just two people playing the game.