I'm broken hearted.. will I ever be happy again?

[MetallicHue]

Even if it's not the truth? Doesn't that bother your conscience - being deceptive/untruthful to manipulate another human being to get what you want out of them?

 

I know what you're saying is true - it's been my experience with 99.9% of all the men I've ever met ever. I'll give you guys one thing - you're all very consistent. It's just always puzzled me, that aspect. Don't you value personal integrity?

 

I think everyone lies to get what they want to some extent but this is a very broad generalization. Also this is not all the time. Most of the time I’m upfront and honest and so I feel about most of the people I know. Not sure where this is coming from but I think it’s quite an extreme statement.

[OpenBook]

I didn't see it as manipulating women, I thought of it as playing a game. A game that we all know we're playing and we all want to play... I'll say this to make you feel good, just like you wear makeup to make me feel good... it didn't bother me morally because I thought we were on equal footing and that we all actually wanted the same thing (a hook up/ONS/etc)...

 

Thank you Overtaxed. This is the clearest explanation I've ever seen where you guys are coming from. (Sigh) The game... George Benson really nailed it:

 

Are we really happy here with this lonely game we play?

Looking for words to say...

Searching but not finding understanding anyway

We're lost in a mask masquerade

Both afraid to say we're just too far away...

From being close together from the start...

We tried to talk it over but the words got in the way

We're lost inside this lonely game we play

 

I hope this insight is helpful to the OP. It might not make you feel better right this minute... but the truth - really seeing things clearly - can help you get a grip on the pain so that you're not overwhelmed by it... so you can start moving past it. A form of pain management.

 

(And a short answer to your question: Yes, you will be happy again.)

 

When you're going through hell, keep going.

[Naivewomen]

@elaine567. I have read all of Jenkins posts and threads. He seems to be still struggling. A year after his affair. Seems to me he is still in love with his OW. This makes me very sad. I wish he would sign back on and give us an update.

[DKT3]

@elaine567. I have read all of Jenkins posts and threads. He seems to be still struggling. A year after his affair. Seems to me he is still in love with his OW. This makes me very sad. I wish he would sign back on and give us an update.

 

Jenkins is atypical of the majority of MM in the sense that he was equally loving with both his wife and OW. I dont think he is struggling with his decision anymore. He was around a few weeks back I thought.

[Mrs._December]

My question still remains as to why MM wants two women?? He is returning with miss yous and blah blah all while hes happily married? Any MM's opinions would be greatly appreciated here but it seems like non of them seem to surface.

Come on.

 

It's not rocket science.

 

There are tons of men out there (and women) who are extremely selfish and self-entitled, and believe they deserve to have more in life than the average Joe. Sure, life is pretty good (though maybe boring) with a wife and kids at home and all, but how exciting for him to have a woman on the side adoring him and feeding his ego and giving him hot monkey sex and telling him how much she loves him every hour on the hour.

 

That's pretty heady stuff.

 

And those who really have no problem giving into temptation and/or don't have an issue with not honoring their marriage vows will take full advantage of that offering any way they can get it.

 

Any. Way. They. Can. Get. It.

 

 

Of course he's come back sniffing around again. He sees you as low-hanging fruit.

Edited January 14, 2019 by Mrs._December

[S2B]

Most looking for a willing OW will test them out... give a simple compliment to see if that OW takes the “bait”.

 

They know it normally takes a woman who needs attention and somewhat vulnerable.

 

Easy targets... that’s what they are searching for. Also a woman who won’t make too many demands and that he leave his wife - that’s key.

[elaine567]

@elaine567. I have read all of Jenkins posts and threads. He seems to be still struggling. A year after his affair. Seems to me he is still in love with his OW. This makes me very sad. I wish he would sign back on and give us an update.

 

 

In his more recent posts he doesn't appear to be struggling now.

He seems to have more of a handle on things.

 

#6 3rd September 2018

I had genuine feelings for the OW. Affair lasted over a year. But...

 

I also had genuine feelings for my wife!! (plus my family, kids, etc. of course)

 

I'm a guy - we really do suck sometimes, and we can compartmentalise generally better than women. So, I loved my wife in world A and my OW in world B. It sounds horrible - but I'm just trying to be honest!

 

Many years later, I shudder with shame at what I put myself and so many others through. But I am human, I am flawed...and I made mistakes.

 

I never set out to hurt anyone and...blah, blah, blah, but that is a pathetic line and makes me shudder even more!

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 . My MM seems to have been loving to both. He truly was enjoying both worlds. I struggled every single day with this. I thought I was deeply in love and would have hurt my entire family for him. This bothers me the most. How could I have been so blind and trusting. I ruined so much of my closeness and bond with my spouse for this terrible decision I made. I just want to feel normal again. This was a tornado!

[Miss Clavel]

 

So I feel like he made me look crazy and used this as an excuse to dump me. So that's what's hard on top of missing him. I bounce around from does he really think I followed him? Is this just an excuse cuz he's wanted to cut me off for months? And I can't even talk to him to tell him I didn't follow him, he has it all wrong. I know it doesn't matter and if he really loved me he wouldn't hurt me this way. But my heart hasn't caught up to my head.

 

yes. and aren't you lucky? come on, admit it, you are so fing lucky.

 

let go.

 

after you let go you will have to go on a...like 12 step AA/NA program.

 

1. admit you are powerless.

 

2. don't "drug". which means, what ever your drug is, (AP in our case) do not take the first hit. NO CONTACT

 

3 no major decisions for the next 90 days.

 

again. no contact.

 

stop thinking if you didn't follow him none of this would have happened. you are not god and you don't run the world.

 

you run the little space inside you head that runs your body.

 

keep that man out of you head. the way to do that is DECIDE it's over and DECIDE to stop looking back. DECIDE you are going NO CONTACT.

 

one day at a time.

[elaine567]

@DKT3 . My MM seems to have been loving to both. He truly was enjoying both worlds. I struggled every single day with this. I thought I was deeply in love and would have hurt my entire family for him. This bothers me the most. How could I have been so blind and trusting. I ruined so much of my closeness and bond with my spouse for this terrible decision I made. I just want to feel normal again. This was a tornado!

 

We all grow up with the idea that when a man tells you he loves you, it is a big deal.

He is being honest and true, he is opening up his heart and that engenders in us a warm and fuzzy feeling, our ego gets a massive boost and we are on cloud nine. He loves lil ol' me and only me... wow!

 

BUT MM know that they need to pull out all the stops to get a woman interested in him whilst he still has a wife, and what better stop to pull than "I love you, you are my soulmate, we are meant to be together..."

It works like a dream...

[Naivewomen]

@elaine567 thank you for sharing his update. I feel MM lived the same way. He definately loved both women at the sametime. Definitely put me in the affair box. Women are not capable of this. This is when I woke up, when I realized the intensity amd love was not the same. He appeared again this morning and ofcourse it was just to say Hi. I was friendly amd cordial. Hes loosing strength and the hold of me. I know what it's all about now. I finally understand. He will no longer get me that way and that's my true power now. Thank you all so much for your replies. It is getting easier finally.

[Naivewomen]

@S2B you are so right!! I was never looking for an affair and I really thought he wasnt either. I thought this was a magnetic draw of two people that had to be explored. As I dont regret all of it, I do regret the pain I caused my H and family. I disconnected from everyone while his life was maintaining status quo. I couldnt see past the illusion. His words were extremely powerful. The NC works and when they come back around it's almost laughable now. I would never be weak to his words again.

[DKT3]

We all grow up with the idea that when a man tells you he loves you, it is a big deal.

He is being honest and true, he is opening up his heart and that engenders in us a warm and fuzzy feeling, our ego gets a massive boost and we are on cloud nine. He loves lil ol' me and only me... wow!

 

BUT MM know that they need to pull out all the stops to get a woman interested in him whilst he still has a wife, and what better stop to pull than "I love you, you are my soulmate, we are meant to be together..."

It works like a dream...

 

I really wish some of these ladies could take a peek inside the male mind.

 

Bottom line, if a man believes the things that so many MW/OW think they do, he would make it happen. The truth falls short of what they are saying.

 

Really, how would it work if a married man walked up to a married woman and said "life with my wife is amazing, the sex is great....however I need some excitement and EXTRA on the side, it will lead you to pain and uncertainty. What do you say? Let's do it" how many of you would jump on that train? So they take the side door...play the role of friends and confidants, suck you in drop the L bomb and you're hooked.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 how do these men sleep with all of these lies. I could never. I was always honest never wanted to wreck his family. I thought this was SPECIAL!! I havent had many relationships or experience but damn I sure learned a lesson the hard way. They want a side piece isnt it easier to find a prostitute that's really NSA. Dont get how you can pull and pull a good women away from her family with these lies and betrayal. He knew perfectly well what he was doing to me. He knew I couldnt eat, stressed out, seeing a therpist telling my spouse I wanted a divorce and etc. He never stopped me from any of it. He never said let's stop and etc. Never!! And now he reappears after all these months of NC because hes afraid I'm getting over him. Insane really. Still trying hard to play with my emotions. Sick and twisted.

[elaine567]

I really wish some of these ladies could take a peek inside the male mind.

Seems to me everyone knows the "My wife doesn't understand me" line trotted by cheating men around the world.

It is a very old joke, yet...

[elaine567]

They want a side piece isnt it easier to find a prostitute that's really NSA.

 

 

He has to pay a prostitute.

[elaine567]

Some men do not want to cross the barrier of paying for sex and a payment trail could be spotted by his wife.

[DKT3]

@DKT3 how do these men sleep with all of these lies. I could never. I was always honest never wanted to wreck his family. I thought this was SPECIAL!! I havent had many relationships or experience but damn I sure learned a lesson the hard way. They want a side piece isnt it easier to find a prostitute that's really NSA. Dont get how you can pull and pull a good women away from her family with these lies and betrayal. He knew perfectly well what he was doing to me. He knew I couldnt eat, stressed out, seeing a therpist telling my spouse I wanted a divorce and etc. He never stopped me from any of it. He never said let's stop and etc. Never!! And now he reappears after all these months of NC because hes afraid I'm getting over him. Insane really. Still trying hard to play with my emotions. Sick and twisted.

 

Please don't be offended, but how are you any different from him? I suppose you've been honest and upfront with your husband?

 

Secondly he didnt do any of those thing, you did. You made those decisions. He didn't pull you away from anything, you walked willingly. The blame is yours, 100%. As a married woman you should have never opened yourself to him.

[Naivewomen]

@elaine567 he hurt his wife so much when he got caught. Promised her we would stop talking and etc. That was a full year ago. How does he continue to hurt her. Why isnt he satisfied with his life. He even emotionally withdrew from me. So it must be sexual disatisifaction. That's his problem now. Not mine.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 I'm not offended at all. I wasnt completly honest with spouse however I was not pretending my world was intact either. Their was nothing fake about my emotions. I told my spouse several times we need a marriage counselor ASAP!! I told my husband he no longer makes me happy and I cant make him happy. I wanted my husband to go and find a plan b. I didnt want to string him along. Hes a good man who I fell.out of love with. I asked him to make changes and see what I needed. It all fell on deaf ears. He told me to go to the counselor alone. So I did. My counselor said husband should have been receptive of your needs and he wasnt. Hence why I started resenting him. Husband wasnt listening to my crys and pleas to reconcile our marriage. Communication was always our weak point. We never communicated well. Both would get angry and not talk for months. It became the norm. To the point where we just lived like room mates. Trying to keep it together for the kids. Husband never tried to help with things that needed to change. I heard him and made the necessary changes he wanted. But he was unable to reciprocate justifying this affair more.

[DKT3]

@DKT3 I'm not offended at all. I wasnt completly honest with spouse however I was not pretending my world was intact either. Their was nothing fake about my emotions. I told my spouse several times we need a marriage counselor ASAP!! I told my husband he no longer makes me happy and I cant make him happy. I wanted my husband to go and find a plan b. I didnt want to string him along. Hes a good man who I fell.out of love with. I asked him to make changes and see what I needed. It all fell on deaf ears. He told me to go to the counselor alone. So I did. My counselor said husband should have been receptive of your needs and he wasnt. Hence why I started resenting him. Husband wasnt listening to my crys and pleas to reconcile our marriage. Communication was always our weak point. We never communicated well. Both would get angry and not talk for months. It became the norm. To the point where we just lived like room mates. Trying to keep it together for the kids. Husband never tried to help with things that needed to change. I heard him and made the necessary changes he wanted. But he was unable to reciprocate justifying this affair more.

 

Nope, none of that justified the affair.

 

Let me ask, how did the affair work out? Did it improve your marriage? Are you divorced?

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 it nearly wrecked my life. I asked for a separation and etc. Once i snapped back into reality i realized I would have wrecked a great life and I would have been alone. The exact way MM wanted me. He wanted me all to himself as a side piece forever. I realized my Spouse loves me unconditionally. My husband would never have hurt me. I realized the one that deserves the trophy here is my Husband. The person that has given me a great life that I have taken advantage of. I took advantage of a passive man who loves me deeply. Things are not great yet but I realized the happiness comes from oneself. I am trying to mend everyday what I broke. I pray for my spouses happiness first now. I hope I am the one who can give that to him.

[DKT3]

@DKT3 it nearly wrecked my life. I asked for a separation and etc. Once i snapped back into reality i realized I would have wrecked a great life and I would have been alone. The exact way MM wanted me. He wanted me all to himself as a side piece forever. I realized my Spouse loves me unconditionally. My husband would never have hurt me. I realized the one that deserves the trophy here is my Husband. The person that has given me a great life that I have taken advantage of. I took advantage of a passive man who loves me deeply. Things are not great yet but I realized the happiness comes from oneself. I am trying to mend everyday what I broke. I pray for my spouses happiness first now. I hope I am the one who can give that to him.

 

You should start your own thread, I would like to share more with you but now we are hijacking Sue's thread.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 haha okay.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 you can find me at my new thread. This affair almost ruined my life. Anyone else want to give me their advice woukd be greatly appreciated. Sue31 is doing great btw!! Stronger everyday!