Terrified That He Will Cheat

[EchoedMemory]

My boyfriend of just under 7 months is wonderful to me. He tells me he loves me every day, has bought flowers, taken me out to dinners, lunches...has done and said so many things that prove to me how much he cares. But there's just one problem.

 

He had a relationship with a girl (his first love and intimate experience) from the age of 15-23. (He's now almost 28). He cheated on her a few times, which he was upfront and honest about to me. He said that he just wanted to know what it was like with other people because he thought he was going to be with her forever. He's been honest to me about all of that.

 

I am so scared that once a cheater, always a cheater is true. He swears to me that he's grown up since then and would never do that to me...he loves me too much, he says.

 

Am I just being paranoid? Is he telling me the truth?

[Juliet]

My bf i have right now has cheated on every gf he has ever had and says the same thing!!! "He loves me and he has grown up." I was thinking though that maybe my guy gave that line to all of his ex's. I do not know what to beleive. I am trying decide what to do too. I would not worry so much in your situation. There is still hope. He does not sound like a serial cheater...lol

 

It does sound like a bull$hit reason though if you think about it. Whynot end it before he saw what it was like with other people?

[JadeStar]

Echoed, unless he has given you reason to think hes cheating, then right now I would let it go. I understand that since he cheated on his g/f before that you feel he will do the same. I don't believe in the saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," because I feel that people can change. However, they have to want too. Right now, the best thing to do is give him the benefit of the dsoubt that hes not/wont, and try to put your insecurities aside. Unless he gives you reason to think otherwise, let it rest for now.

 

 

 

Jade

[RainyDayWoman]

 

He said that he just wanted to know what it was like with other people because he thought he was going to be with her forever.

 

 

this is the part that would get to me.

 

if he had only said "i was young and stupid, i was with her at a young age and i screwed up a few times. i wouldn't do it again" to me it wouldn't be a problem.

 

the way he puts it, it would make me think, "well what if we get engaged and he starts thinking, i am going to be with her for the rest of my life, so i better get in a few more before that time comes."

 

i don't know, maybe it's not like that at all, but still. it would definitely cross my mind.

 

good luck.

[johan]

In my experience, someone who has cheated will do it again if the circumstances come up again. It doesn't seem to matter how old they were when they did it. I've known plenty of people who got bored or felt pressured in a relationship who didn't cheat. They found some other way to destroy their relationships. Those are the same people who never seem to cheat. Then there are those who did cheat, and they end up doing it again. It's part of how they relate to people. People's moral foundations don't change much, and they reveal themselves over the years.

[Jilly10340]

When I was young (15-19) I cheated on a few boyfriends. Cheated as in kissing someone else, and I always told them immediately afterwards and ended the relationship.

 

I've grown up since then (I'm 23), and I would never do it again! I feel that's it's wrong to treat someone like that, and I would never inflict that kind of pain on someone again, because I can imagine how I would feel if anyone ever cheated on me.

 

So I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater." People grow up, they mature....I think you should trust this guy. He was young, as he said.

[RainyDayWoman]

In my experience, someone who has cheated will do it again if the circumstances come up again. It doesn't seem to matter how old they were when they did it. I've known plenty of people who got bored or felt pressured in a relationship who didn't cheat. They found some other way to destroy their relationships. Those are the same people who never seem to cheat. Then there are those who did cheat, and they end up doing it again. It's part of how they relate to people. People's moral foundations don't change much, and they reveal themselves over the years.

 

don't discount those, however, who have cheated and then DID change their ways when they really found what they wanted and were satisfied and happy with their lives. it's not even really that they "changed" their ways, it's more that the thought didn't even cross their minds anymore.

 

it doesn't seem like there are many of those people (especially reading some of these posts on LS! ) but they are out there, and they do reform.

 

it just seemed like the only possible example that you left out. just wanted to put that out there.

[roxyg]

I've been cheated on, in the past before. The first time it happened I thought oh, it was just a one time thing, the second time it was a little harder to believe, and then the third time, I was finally gone. It's hard to trust guys that have cheated before, and then claim they will never do it again. But if your boyfriend has not done anything that has made you feel as if you can't trust him, then I wouldn't worry, as other's have already stated. On the flip side I've cheated before on two of my boyfriends. Reasons vary for cheating, in my experience, it was because I wasn't getting satisfied with what I had, the other, was that I wanted to hurt him before I got hurt. It may not make sense to anyone, but it does to me. Really address the issue with him. I obviously told my fiance about my past, and was really open about everything that happened. He used to worry a lot, in the beginning, but I have proven complete devotion to him and our relationship. People change, cheaters are not cheaters forever. All humans make mistakes, whether it be big or small.

[EchoedMemory]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I'm almost making myself sick, thinking about it constantly. I even went to a site which has a quiz that determines whether your partner will cheat on you or not (7 expert questions). Here's the link for your own interest. http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/92/859/ . The more Yes's you answer, the worse the outcome. I answered one No and that was the last question. Quite disheartening.

 

But I guess it's all up to me, in the end. It's a risk I'm taking but it's my choice to either stay and hope he WILL stay faithful or leave because of my lack of trust in him. I so wish infidelity didn't exist. How much happier so many people would be if that were true. *Sigh*

[RainyDayWoman]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I'm almost making myself sick, thinking about it constantly. I even went to a site which has a quiz that determines whether your partner will cheat on you or not (7 expert questions). Here's the link for your own interest. http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/92/859/ . The more Yes's you answer, the worse the outcome. I answered one No and that was the last question. Quite disheartening.

 

But I guess it's all up to me, in the end. It's a risk I'm taking but it's my choice to either stay and hope he WILL stay faithful or leave because of my lack of trust in him. I so wish infidelity didn't exist. How much happier so many people would be if that were true. *Sigh*

 

sorry, echoed....

 

like other people said, don't let it affect YOU until he gives YOU a reason to doubt him. if you're willing to take the chance, then try that way of thinking.

 

and, you don't want to have him thinking "well, she doesn't trust me and is thinking i will cheat anyway" and then push him to it by making him frustrated and angry at your lack of trust.