Married, Affair, Pregnancy

[Adotta]

I believe you might be one of many people who feels emotions very deeply , but more importantly puts to much stock in words. Some one who is easily swayed by pretty words.

 

 

 

Buddy... kindly... anyone can tell you what you WANT to hear. Your wife is probably very practiced at saying pretty words to wrap you around her finger.

 

 

Look to actions to see a person's true character. Her actions will show you who she truly is. Her current actions show a lot. She is a person who cheats.. gets pregnant from another man (means no condom, which usually means it was more than a monetary setup as the only people who don't use condoms are ones in love or people seeking higher pleasure) and and wants to raise that man's child. Furthermore expects YOU to raise said baby.

 

 

 

Buddy... She expects you to sit down and eat this **** sandwich. With a smile. She can apologize all she wants. She can go on and on about how much she loves you but her actions show her real intent. That intent does not align with your best interests.

 

 

 

I'm seriously still gobsmacked you have not demanded she get an abortion for any chance of reconciliation. It's a very cuckold type thing to do to raise another man's child when you have other options. I couldn't do it. I suspect you have very little respect for yourself.

 

 

You probably think this self sacrifice is noble..... It's not. Not many people will think of it as noble either. It will show as weakness. As clingy.

 

 

 

Buddy you need to find you anger and your spine. She will do this again and again if you don't. Hold her feet to the fire or cut your loses and run like the wind. One or the other. But this lovey dovey head in the clouds easy forgiving you have going.... will leave you crushed broken and pathetic.

 

 

 

My heart breaks for you because I'm pretty sure what choice you will make. You will take responsibility for a child that isn't yours, forgive her, and spend then next 2 5 10 or 20 years raising another man's child and being cheated on only to be dropped by her in the end for another man.

 

 

Nice guys finish last.

 

 

Read the book No More Mr. Nice guy. It should help you at least a little.

[PerfectJab]

I believe you might be one of many people who feels emotions very deeply , but more importantly puts to much stock in words. Some one who is easily swayed by pretty words.

 

Nice guys finish last.

 

Nothing can be further from the truth. I'm the type of guy that looks out for people that are trying to take advantage of me. All I do is analyze other people's behaviors.

 

If they have a good heart I give a lot of leeway and stand up for people that are weak or that I feel are being taken advantage of. I have a very strong ability to forgive and be empathetic towards people that I feel hit this criteria. I do understand that a good heart is relative and different with each person but the standard is very clear in my mind. If I find that someone is bullying or are ill mannered, I will speak up and even push their buttons on purpose just to amuse myself with their reactions and let them know that I will not put up with their ****. NOBODY that knows me will tell you that I am a pushover. Not afraid of confrontation at all. In fact until this day do you know what goes through my mind when I see all men regardless of what type of person they are and setting? I think about how I would fight them in a one on one, what I would do if they did this or that and I'm 40 years old! Obviously I keep this to myself.

 

I know your comments were made with good intentions so I appreciate it but nothing could be further from the truth. I know how much I am willing to put up with. If she did this to me again, I would kick her to the curb. Absolutely no doubt about it.

Edited January 8, 2019 by PerfectJab

[Adotta]

Nothing can be further from the truth. I'm the type of guy that looks out for people that are trying to take advantage of me. All I do is analyze other people's behaviors.

 

If they have a good heart I give a lot of leeway and stand up for people that are weak or that I feel are being taken advantage of. I have a very strong ability to forgive and be empathetic towards people that I feel hit this criteria. I do understand that a good heart is relative and different with each person but the standard is very clear in my mind. If I find that someone is bullying or are ill mannered, I will speak up and even push their buttons on purpose just to amuse myself with their reactions and let them know that I will not put up with their ****. NOBODY that knows me will tell you that I am a pushover. Not afraid of confrontation at all. In fact until this day do you know what goes through my mind when I see all men regardless of what type of person they are and setting? I think about how I would fight them in a one on one, what I would do if they did this or that and I'm 40 years old! Obviously I keep this to myself.

 

I know your comments were made with good intentions so I appreciate it but nothing could be further from the truth. I know how much I am willing to put up with. If she did this to me again, I would kick her to the curb. Absolutely no doubt about it.

 

 

That's not what I meant. Random males or strangers or people you have loose friendships with don't count. They are easy to say f you to. But your wife is treating you like **** and because she says a few nice sounding words you are already looking to forgive AND raise another man's child.

 

 

 

My brother is like that. He would bash the teeth in on someone who ****s with him. At least he would give it a good try. But when he falls in love the woman can treat him like **** then say she is sorry and all is well again. He will go through vious cycles with women who betray or mistreat him and he takes it or will blow up once or twice and then with a few pretty words he is back to loving thier socks off.

[PerfectJab]

Also work with a counselor on boundaries and what a healthy boundary looks like.

 

You seem to want to grab at emotions and consequences that should belong to your wife.

 

4 years of sheer hell you have lived with... has your wife had any consequences?

 

Was she exposed to friends and family or did you cover things up for her?

 

Question, how do they define healthy boundaries?

 

She is very agreeable around my parents and friends. That's why when this happened it shocked everybody.

 

I believe my behavior stems from the belief that I feel like I am stronger than other people. Nothing really surprises so it takes a lot for me to feel traumatized. Any strong emotions I get over really quickly. I can put up with a lot and it doesn't phase me. If something does bother me and I don't understand or I feel that it was malicious I definitely make it known and make sure it does not happen to me again. Very rarely do people cross this line once I make it known as they know there will be a battle.

 

This situation shook the core as it was a foundational item in a relationship. Funny thing is, based on the comments here, I feel like I am not as upset about the cheating as I should be. It was more about my wife having his baby. If anything I feel like it gives me the upper hand. I know that she is weak and it is in her to cheat. I know that if she does it again I won't have any regrets ending it.

[PerfectJab]

That's not what I meant. Random males or strangers or people you have loose friendships with don't count. They are easy to say f you to. But your wife is treating you like **** and because she says a few nice sounding words you are already looking to forgive AND raise another man's child.

 

I made it clear to her that I would not raise another man's child. She got an abortion.

 

I like the feeling that some words provide, but I take them with a grain of salt as I am cognizant about the fact that present and future are totally different things. Way too many variables to believe any words said at a particular moment in time can be concrete.

 

I forgave based on the belief that she has a good heart and made a stupid decision not because of anything she said. She was the one that left our place after she told me the news. Never once did she justify her behavior. She was apologetic the entire time and never responded to any verbal attack I made on her.

[Adotta]

I made it clear to her that I would not raise another man's child. She got an abortion.

 

I like the feeling that some words provide, but I take them with a grain of salt as I am cognizant about the fact that present and future are totally different things. Way too many variables to believe any words said at a particular moment in time can be concrete.

 

I forgave based on the belief that she has a good heart and made a stupid decision not because of anything she said. She was the one that left our place after she told me the news. Never once did she justify her behavior. She was apologetic the entire time and never responded to any verbal attack I made on her.

 

 

Good. I'm sorry if I sounded insulting. I didn't really have proper measure of your feeling on the matter.

 

 

Most betrayed spouses who come here are not quite level headed about this. They are quick to forgive and forget and take blame for everything. Weakness is the last thing you want to portray to a wayward.

 

 

It's good that you are being strong on this. But make sure she has to do more than say sorry a lot. A counselor is a good start. Reading some literature on infidelity will help as well. She has to find out why it was acceptable in her mind to do this. She has to also ensure this will never happen and also make you feel safe enough that this will not happen again.

 

 

 

A lot of wayward can play a good role. They can keep up a facade for a while. Even seeming to do things above and beyond in an attempt to heal thier bs. But they eventually fall back on old habits.

 

 

The best method is to watch thier actions over a long period of time. How much effort are they putting in? To understand your pain. To find thier reason they where capable of this. To close the distance thier infidelity created. To help you heal. Words are easy. They may even feel those words true in the moment. But thier true nature will show in the long run. The truth is most wayward don't actually believe what they have done is all that bad. They make excuses for themselves. They believe themselves victims, or "special".

 

 

Keep an eye out for that. She has to understand that she has done something about as unforgivable as it gets without being murder or rape and do just about anything to hjelp her victim.... You.

 

 

It sounds like you are a strong man. Keep it up. It didn't really show in your first few posts much because whenever a BS starts a thread and mentions forgiving and still loving thier spouse and hints at thier spouse being a victim, it almost always inevitably ends with them being tricked and cheated on again and again with some abuse thrown in for good measure.

 

 

Stay strong. Eyes wide. Use your head first heart second.

[aliveagain]

aI made it clear to her that I would not raise another man's child. She got n abortion.

 

I like the feeling that some words provide, but I take them with a grain of salt as I am cognizant about the fact that present and future are totally different things. Way too many variables to believe any words said at a particular moment in time can be concrete.

 

I forgave based on the belief that she has a good heart and made a stupid decision not because of anything she said. She was the one that left our place after she told me the news. Never once did she justify her behavior. She was apologetic the entire time and never responded to any verbal attack I made on her.

 

I guess I see this as also telling her that getting pregnant by another man isn't a deal breaker for you as long as she aborts the child. In my situation I found out from a third party that my son probably wasn't mine. I had already raised him for almost a year, told all my family here and in Europe, named him after my father who had passed away 4 years earlier. It is very hard to face your family and friends and explain why you no longer have a son(verified paternity by DNA test at Children's Hospital, he wasn't mine).

 

Please be wise enough to protect yourself, you now know who she really is, you know she will act on opportunity if she thinks she can get away with it. You now know she will lie to you and break every promise she made to you about the intimacy she pledged only to you because you have historical proof that she gave that away freely, she had an abortion. She had unprotected sex with another man, she put your health at risk.

 

Sure there are many that will stay and raise another man's child. They have to live with themselves, I just don't see how they can wake up every day and not be triggered by it. If your bent on staying with her at least talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself. A post nuptial agreement should be a requirement of reconciliation. The agreement should be structured so you get the majority of the marital assets if you divorce because of another infidelity. If her word means nothing then maybe a financial consequence will. They can be hard to enforce but it will cost her a lot of money in court to find that out. Everything she has done she has done by conscious choice, lying and cheating takes a lot of planning and the other man only took what he was offered by your wife so put the blame where it belongs. Do not let someone that makes really bad choices decide your future. You can only blame yourself if you do. Tell the other man's wife if he is married.

Edited January 9, 2019 by aliveagain

[PerfectJab]

Good. I'm sorry if I sounded insulting. I didn't really have proper measure of your feeling on the matter.

 

No worries, I knew your motives were coming from the right place so I was appreciative of it.

 

It's good that you are being strong on this. But make sure she has to do more than say sorry a lot. A counselor is a good start. Reading some literature on infidelity will help as well. She has to find out why it was acceptable in her mind to do this. She has to also ensure this will never happen and also make you feel safe enough that this will not happen again.

 

I purchased a bunch of literature on infidelity the 2nd day after she left as I wanted to make sense of it from another perspective. We have already had preliminary discussions on getting to the root of the issue and I made it clear that despite us exploring this together it in no way justifies what she had done. If she was unhappy or not feeling fulfilled she had the choice to do the right thing and leave, she had the choice to not cheat.

 

Still trying to get to the root of the issue as the responses that she has given do not match the outcome. It just doesn't make sense.

 

A lot of wayward can play a good role. They can keep up a facade for a while. Even seeming to do things above and beyond in an attempt to heal thier bs. But they eventually fall back on old habits.

 

The best method is to watch thier actions over a long period of time. How much effort are they putting in? To understand your pain. To find thier reason they where capable of this. To close the distance thier infidelity created. To help you heal. Words are easy. They may even feel those words true in the moment. But thier true nature will show in the long run. The truth is most wayward don't actually believe what they have done is all that bad. They make excuses for themselves. They believe themselves victims, or "special".

 

 

This is what worries me the most. Life can be so much about routine that it is easy to fall out of proactively identifying and looking for signs. I need to continue to work on myself and look for things that I feel benefit our relationship and who I am outside of it. I am more worried about her to be honest as she may not be as introspective. If things fall back, I'm afraid there is nothing we can do. I can only control what I can control. Hopefully she has it in her. Again, I simply want to have no regrets at my end. I do have faith in her to make it right. Hopefully I am correct.

 

You have some very good advice that I will definitely keep in mind. Really emphasizes the fact that it will be a mind ****ing long term process. Really appreciative of your advice, thank you.. much love!

[PerfectJab]

But you NOW know she is one who will cheat.

 

Why is it your job to take a known cheater back to waste more time and years with her?

 

It is not my job to take her back, I've just decided that I want to. I may be wasting time but if I thought that it WOULD be silly taking her back.

 

When is enough - enough?

 

You may have a boundary (second time = gone)... but why does she get a second time?

 

Because those are MY boundaries in this particular situation based on our own unique experiences together and who I am and who she is.

 

Why do you settle for being her plan B?

 

That's the thing. If I truly believed myself to be a plan B I wouldn't be able to take it. I have too much pride for that. I am open to the possibility that perhaps I am but in my mind I truly don't believe it and I've decided not to bother myself thinking about things that I don't believe.

[PerfectJab]

I guess I see this as also telling her that getting pregnant by another man isn't a deal breaker for you as long as she aborts the child. In my situation I found out from a third party that my son probably wasn't mine. I had already raised him for almost a year, told all my family here and in Europe, named him after my father who had passed away 4 years earlier. It is very hard to face your family and friends and explain why you no longer have a son(verified paternity by DNA test at Children's Hospital, he wasn't mine).

 

Please be wise enough to protect yourself, you now know who she really is, you know she will act on opportunity if she thinks she can get away with it. You now know she will lie to you and break every promise she made to you about the intimacy she pledged only to you because you have historical proof that she gave that away freely, she had an abortion. She had unprotected sex with another man, she put your health at risk.

 

Sure there are many that will stay and raise another man's child. They have to live with themselves, I just don't see how they can wake up every day and not be triggered by it. If your bent on staying with her at least talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself. A post nuptial agreement should be a requirement of reconciliation. The agreement should be structured so you get the majority of the marital assets if you divorce because of another infidelity. If her word means nothing then maybe a financial consequence will. They can be hard to enforce but it will cost her a lot of money in court to find that out. Everything she has done she has done by conscious choice, lying and cheating takes a lot of planning and the other man only took what he was offered by your wife so put the blame where it belongs. Do not let someone that makes really bad choices decide your future. You can only blame yourself if you do. Tell the other man's wife if he is married.

 

That's a terrible story. I really feel bad for you and your family to have to go through all of that! To have gained something something so precious, cherish it and have it taken away from you is just terrible. The fact that you're able to talk about it really demonstrates your strength. The fact that you're willing to share your experience to help others shows who you are as a person. Thank you! Question, did you end up getting a divorce? Are your comments based on things that you did or wished you did?

 

I don't look at it as setting the groundwork for future consequences. She saw the pain that it caused me and we have had a lot of discussions about it since. If she could do it again why would I care? It would clearly show that she doesn't.

 

I am definitely more cautious now than before. In Canada, everything is no fault so if it came down to that infidelity would not be a factor in the division of assets.

[PerfectJab]

Discuss with a professional what a healthy boundary looks like for you.

 

It’s hard for me to imagine you plan to take her back based on all the evidence! ��

 

Really, how so? Totally get that an affair is a big no-no in a marriage and the normal thing to do in most cases is to get a divorce. I just prefer to live my life and the decisions I make based on who I am rather than societal norms. I don't want any regrets and I feel this regret is more likely to happen if I allow a societal blueprint to dictate how I live my life because even though it can make things easier, it is not who I am. Obviously I love my wife very much, if I don't give her the benefit of the doubt at least once, to me, my love for her was never real.

 

Obviously you allow her to cross a serious boundary and still consider staying in the marriage. You really need to sort through it all thoroughly with a therapist.

 

I’m thinking you don’t know where the boundary is - in relation to your wife. That’s something to work on and learn more about what she’s actually delivered, what’s she’s capable of... and what the foundation of the marriage is all about.

 

You make a very good point that I never thought about! It's one thing to know what you can take or expect when it happens, it's another to plan it out! Sets the foundation to be able to put in the work to actually make it happen.

[Adotta]

My opinion is if you are sure she is saying the right things, DOING the right things, and you have a solid grasp on your expectations, boundaries and ability to spot her bull crap should it present itself.... then give it a try. Don't go full tilt head over heels forgiveness mode. Dip your toes.

 

 

 

But I would use a recovery program on her phone. ASAP. I'm serious. So many BS think thier wayward spouse is doing everything right and finally being honest with them to only learn later they got the sanitized kiddy glove version of the story. Her phone and it's messages to and from her OM are FACT. Her words.... not so much.

 

 

If you feel she is putting the effort in... good. But I would stick to a trust but verify mindset for the foreseeable future. Don't gamble on the next 10 or 20 years of your life with her on her words alone. She has proven she has the ability to lie well.

 

 

 

If it doesn't turn your stomach (it wouldn't turn mine at all) install some nifty tracking spy program on her phone when you do the recovery. Without her knowledge of course. Sit back and wait. I have seen threads where other BS have used those types of programs to thier benefit and it almost always turns up more info or catches the cheater going back for more. These programs can apparently see texts emails and chat apps in real time. I think they can even listen in on phone calls. Check your state laws. Don't go getting yourself thrown in jail.

 

 

 

If you are not an unbeliever of polygraph you could get one done as well.

 

 

 

Now I understand plenty of people will say if you need to play jailer, the marriage is over already. But this is not a forever type thing. You keep going in till YOU feel safe.

 

 

 

I am going at this from my own point of view. I am the type of person who would have to know EVERYTHING. I need to know what I am forgiving. And I damn well need to be sure they are worthy of that forgiveness.

[YoungCandy]

If you really are thinking of continuing with her, I think you should get her to be completely honest with you and tell you all the facts about her cheating. Her has to work her way back into the marriage and learn to communicate with you properly.

 

One thing I was wondering how well your wife actually understands you if you guys are communicating in English as you said she's not very good with English yet. Language and cultural differences could take many, many years to fully adapt for many first generation immigrants. Individual cases are different of course but more often than not many asian immigrants live in an odd social circle in Canada, they feel isolated and the buildup of resentment overtime often lead to affair and cheating on their partner. I grew up in asia and now living in lower mainland BC. I can fully related to the asian mentality on personal relations and family values, which in many ways are not fundamentally different from western. But in reality the role of women in a relationship and the expectation from them is a little bit different, and they tend to be more submissive and radical at the same time. I am not saying this applies to your wife but I my guts think she might not be a serial cheater. At the same time though she might be married to you but she might not know what kind of life she is looking for. One thing for sure is that she's feeling highly unsecured even in this relationship with you.

 

Try to talk it out with her in a calm, relaxing setting and see if she is able to tell you what was the real reason for her affair. Was it to get a job? Might be the man offered her something you could not, or he might be reasonably attractive? Or maybe she is just feeling unsecured and have a lot of burdens on the shoulder.

[PerfectJab]

Language and cultural differences could take many, many years to fully adapt for many first generation immigrants. Individual cases are different of course but more often than not many asian immigrants live in an odd social circle in Canada, they feel isolated and the buildup of resentment overtime often lead to affair and cheating on their partner.

 

I think it is this. Any suggestions on what I can do to help remedy this? When you say buildup of resentment is it due to lack of understanding due to cultural differences?

 

But in reality the role of women in a relationship and the expectation from them is a little bit different, and they tend to be more submissive and radical at the same time. I am not saying this applies to your wife but I my guts think she might not be a serial cheater.

 

Can you please elaborate on these 'roles' and expectations and how it may differ from Western standard? Submissive and radical, what do you mean by this? How do the aforementioned mitigate the chances of her being a serial cheater?

 

Try to talk it out with her in a calm, relaxing setting and see if she is able to tell you what was the real reason for her affair. Was it to get a job? Might be the man offered her something you could not, or he might be reasonably attractive? Or maybe she is just feeling unsecured and have a lot of burdens on the shoulder.

 

The last point. A lot of burdens on her shoulder. Can you please explain to me what you mean by unsecured and burdens and how it might lead to what happened?

[smi11ie]

That's a really bad foundation to build a relationship on. You cannot trust your wife. She only told you because she got pregnant. Just divorce and go no contact and be grateful. A cheater can destroy you if you keep letting them.

[aliveagain]

PerfectJab, I too live in Canada, Calgary to be specific. I have no contact with my ex or with any of her children. That was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life, rebuilding was just as hard. The issue I have the hardest time with in your situation is the amount of time you have been married. Perhaps you can clear that up for us, how long have you been married to her? Having your wife impregnated by another man only one or two years into your marriage would be a deal breaker for me. How can you bond with a wife that has another man in her life right from the start? If you have no children together think really hard about your future. Can you survive a lifetime with someone that can't even make it through the honeymoon? Am I reading your timeline wrong? Do not rush into things, words mean nothing from someone that will lie and cheat on you so early in your relationship. Does your family know, what do they say?

[Mr. Lucky]

Looks like they'd been only married a year when DDay occurred:

 

A year after we got married in Canada we went to Korea to have a wedding ceremony with her family. My wife hadn't gone on vacation for over a year but her boss 'allowed' her to take some time off during the wedding ceremony as long as she attended the conference calls and tended to some administrative tasks. When we got back home 2 weeks later she went on a business trip for 1 week with her boss and some colleagues.

 

When she came back from the business trip I saw a preview message pop up on her ipad with her boss expressing her love for her.

 

PerfectJab, I don't get any sense of what your wife is doing to try and repair the damage caused. You seem to be the only one being proactive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PerfectJab]

Looks like they'd been only married a year when DDay occurred:

 

 

 

PerfectJab, I don't get any sense of what your wife is doing to try and repair the damage caused. You seem to be the only one being proactive...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You are correct, it was about a year a little bit when the emotional cheating happened and a year a half when it got physical.

 

The one thing she did do was get an abortion but looking at the big picture I'd agree that you are right at this time. At least to the point that I deem satisfactory. Internalizing everything at the moment...

 

Some additional things have happened since my last post that has really got me thinking. Just not one to make irrational choices before I have the complete picture.

 

One things for sure, there are simple and complicated people. Being a simple minded person that is open minded I can see the rationale but man, so much of it is self inflicted and I find it surprising that these types of people don't see it. What's the point of doing or thinking anything that is not conducive to what you're actually trying to accomplish? How can long term ramifications not be considered just because something feels right in the moment? Given the infinite possibilities of action, movement, choices and communication, it can only mean that there are infinite outcomes so doesn't it make sense to mitigate the fluctuation of said outcomes in a way that can be handled?

 

I am being proactive because it is what I can control, I can't control how she handles things and how her actions (or lack of) affect my feelings for her nor do I care to manipulate. It has to be real and sincere. I get what you're saying though, there is a point when it's just not worth it and a person's ability to reciprocate play a big role in this, I am just not there yet but it's looking like I am heading in that direction.

[PerfectJab]

How can you bond with a wife that has another man in her life right from the start? If you have no children together think really hard about your future. Can you survive a lifetime with someone that can't even make it through the honeymoon?

 

Does your family know, what do they say?

 

You make some really good points and it is what I am trying to understand at this time.

 

The moment it happened I told my family. They were very surprised but never said anything about the matter, nor did they talk bad of her. My mom surprised me when she asked me if I could find it in my heart to forgive her if the baby was mine, only because it would be really bad on the child to not grow up in a stable environment. Strange right? My dad's reaction was ****ed up. In the beginning my mind was set on divorce and I told him this. He started talking about the possible financial ramifications like I was an idiot at 40 years old that never thought about it. When I told him to just support my decision he turned it around on me telling me that I was trying to control him, that if I wanted him to just support my decision he was not my father. Needless to say, I didn't bother arguing as it was just so incredibly stupid and insensitive of a thing to say at that time. I left his house without saying anything.

[Mr. Lucky]

Being a simple minded person that is open minded I can see the rationale but man, so much of it is self inflicted and I find it surprising that these types of people don't see it. What's the point of doing or thinking anything that is not conducive to what you're actually trying to accomplish? How can long term ramifications not be considered just because something feels right in the moment? Given the infinite possibilities of action, movement, choices and communication, it can only mean that there are infinite outcomes so doesn't it make sense to mitigate the fluctuation of said outcomes in a way that can be handled?

 

As someone who worked as a lifeguard during high school and college, I can tell you most people are incredibly poor at calculating risk. It's that inability that leads to tired swimmers too far from shore, hikers lost in the woods with no food or water and spouses meeting perceived needs outside of marriage. And it's always interesting because the cause/effect seems so clear after the fact - I did "this" and "that" happened. But during the event, not so much...

 

Mr. Lucky

[olivetree]

Here are the facts:

-Your wife cheated on you for most of your marriage/relationship.

-She got pregnant by another man and that is why she told you about the cheating

-She hasn't suffered any consequences for her actions so she will likely do it again / has no respect for you

-She hasn't shown true remorse - google what that looks like

-You are doing all the heavy lifting

-You still carry baggage from childhood as shown in your KISA tendencies (knight in shining armour syndrome)

 

KISA is not something to strive for - it is people pleasing and rescuing that is likely to make you miserable and settle for bad relationships.

 

I suggest you seek therapy for that and seek some real distance from your wife to gain clarity.

[niji]

Did the OM also speak Korean to her? If that's the case, she may very well have been drawn not only to his money but also "emotional support", as hard as it is being an immigrant not speaking the language of a strange land. I understand that because my parents really can't communicate well in English after 20 years in the US, despite being quite educated and very eloquent in their own language.

 

That being said, your wife's behavior can best be described as that of someone lacking moral integrity. Note that the vast majority of people who end up doing "bad" things don't start the day thinking they're going to be bad. She may very well "have a good heart" like you described, but ultimately she lacks a real conviction to actually be good. So having a good heart means very little in this sense.

 

If she truly was a good person, she would: find out you and she won't work out in the future, tell you so and divorce you, and not keep in contact with you when she finds out her child is not yours. I came from a culture similar to hers, and I can tell you this: what's considered good or bad is actually really similar in all cultures. Cheating is bad (especially so if it gets found out by others). Nothing about a person's culture excuses them from cheating. Cultural differences may cause people to drift apart, but a person with integrity will then leave, not have an affair. "Culture" is what weak people use as an excuse to stray, "He was never "my people" anyway, so inevitably I was gonna cheat" . When I was with my ex, there were cultural differences that caused us to drift (but it really wasn't the main driving factor); I never woke up one day and thought it'd be ok to cheat on him.

 

I think you have to make a distinction between "good people" and "people with integrity". Without integrity and a commitment to not hurt those who love you the most, a "good heart" means nothing when it comes to relationship. Zero.

 

You also strongly exhibit the Knight in Shining Armor syndrome, as someone has also suggested. How about just think of everyone as being equally capable in their own way, and stop trying to save people? I sometimes really wonder what the dynamics between a sponsoring spouse and a sponsored spouse is like. Occasionally it may work out, but I feel like more often than not the sponsoring spouse has the saving others syndrome, and when you have that mentality, you'll always view the other person as "needing help", which does no favor to a modern marriage (a marriage in the 17th century, maybe), which bases itself on two partners' equal footing. When I asked my husband who's second generation Chinese, if he would consider dating someone who needs sponsorship, he said "probably not". It's an entirely different matter to date someone without residency but who's capable of getting by on their own, vs someone without residency who also needs financial help.

Edited January 16, 2019 by niji

[PerfectJab]

Did the OM also speak Korean to her? If that's the case, she may very well have been drawn not only to his money but also "emotional support", as hard as it is being an immigrant not speaking the language of a strange land.

 

He did speak the language and I was cognizant of the implications behind it as I know there are some things that are difficult to express outside your native language. A lot of it was guessing.

 

She may very well "have a good heart" like you described, but ultimately she lacks a real conviction to actually be good. So having a good heart means very little in this sense.

 

I think you have to make a distinction between "good people" and "people with integrity". Without integrity and a commitment to not hurt those who love you the most, a "good heart" means nothing when it comes to relationship. Zero.

 

Great comment! I appreciate this perspective and it is likely the case. Definitely going to use this to make sense of things.

 

If she truly was a good person, she would: find out you and she won't work out in the future, tell you so and divorce you, and not keep in contact with you when she finds out her child is not yours.

 

No doubt about it, her actions demonstrate someone that is selfish and reckless. I don't think that it defines her character overall, but it does demonstrate that when she does act this way, it is done in an extreme way that is all out destructive to not only herself but those that love her.

 

 

"He was never "my people" anyway, so inevitably I was gonna cheat" . When I was with my ex, there were cultural differences that caused us to drift (but it really wasn't the main driving factor); I never woke up one day and thought it'd be ok to cheat on him.

 

Would never accept this as an excuse as I see the B.S. in it. Curious, what cultural differences caused you to drift?

 

You also strongly exhibit the Knight in Shining Armor syndrome, as someone has also suggested. How about just think of everyone as being equally capable in their own way, and stop trying to save people?

 

I wouldn't say that it defines me completely, there's no point in 'saving' something that can't be saved. Do I like to help people out, yes, but it's not something I look to do to satisfy some deep insecurity that I have inside me lol. I think it's a matter of defining where to draw the line between being empathetic and what is not acceptable and it's difficult to do this because I am a very understanding person.

 

I sometimes really wonder what the dynamics between a sponsoring spouse and a sponsored spouse is like. Occasionally it may work out, but I feel like more often than not the sponsoring spouse has the saving others syndrome, and when you have that mentality, you'll always view the other person as "needing help", which does no favor to a modern marriage (a marriage in the 17th century, maybe), which bases itself on two partners' equal footing. When I asked my husband who's second generation Chinese, if he would consider dating someone who needs sponsorship, he said "probably not". It's an entirely different matter to date someone without residency but who's capable of getting by on their own, vs someone without residency who also needs financial help.

 

In the beginning there were no signs that she needed saving. It was only after she quit the job and **** hit the fan that she started exhibiting this weakness. In fact I was led to believe that she had all her **** together in the beginning. I get what you are saying about equal footing, but when I was dating it was like finding a needle in a haystack, always about what you can do for me vs what we can do for each other. Along came my wife who didn't seem to be like this, considerate, generally didn't act like a low life about little things and never made any unreasonable demands. Perhaps she was smarter in how she did it.

 

Thinking back to what you were saying earlier, she's not a bad person in that she won't do something maliciously to hurt me, but her decisions are selfish and her moral compass is off which makes the end result the same.

Edited January 18, 2019 by PerfectJab

[aliveagain]

You make some really good points and it is what I am trying to understand at this time.

 

The moment it happened I told my family. They were very surprised but never said anything about the matter, nor did they talk bad of her. My mom surprised me when she asked me if I could find it in my heart to forgive her if the baby was mine, only because it would be really bad on the child to not grow up in a stable environment. Strange right? My dad's reaction was ****ed up. In the beginning my mind was set on divorce and I told him this. He started talking about the possible financial ramifications like I was an idiot at 40 years old that never thought about it. When I told him to just support my decision he turned it around on me telling me that I was trying to control him, that if I wanted him to just support my decision he was not my father. Needless to say, I didn't bother arguing as it was just so incredibly stupid and insensitive of a thing to say at that time. I left his house without saying anything.

 

Seriously? There are things that are way more important then money. You have been disrespected, another man impregnated your wife of just a year. How do you save face with that amount of disrespect? Her first child belonged to another man, this is your wife we are talking about here, it will take the rest of your life to get over this much betrayal. I don't get your dad, choosing things over your happiness. It is never too late to start all over again(Stepping Wolf, a band from a long time ago). There is no coming back from something this f**ked up, my opinion based on my personal experiences. You will hate yourself for compromising the standards you created for yourself, they took you a lifetime to create. Canada is no fault, your best defense is to get the best lawyer you can afford. Imagine trying to divorce a cheating wife when you have children, a business and a pile of cash at risk. This is the cheapest and easiest you will ever have of getting her out of your life. I would almost bet you can have your marriage annulled, talk to a lawyer. Do not compromise yourself.

Edited January 18, 2019 by aliveagain