. What do I do?

[Melrose78]

Hi guys.

I've previously posted here about my bf and his constant complaint of my dog.

At one stage we broke up over it. After counseling he realised he wasn't so much upset about my dog. It was his self protective mechanism kicking in. A fear of our relationship failing, especially if we were to move in together. After one marriage (with kids) ending, he was very cautious.

 

Fast forward 5 months....and guess what! The same issue has come up.

Now, normally I'm someone who wants to sit down and talk things through straight away. I'm a communicator. If there's an issue talk about it. Sort it out. But I've got a point where I can't be bothered.

 

All I know is on the Saturday morning I awoke to him being surly about my dog. She apparently had kept him awake by going out the doggy door. Never mind that I've previously said if it ever bothers you, put her outside. Plus I'm a heavy sleeper. He's not. He struggles to get a good night sleep at the best of times.

 

 

Should I just walk away? The counselor we saw helped heaps but now he's just gone back to his destructive ways. I've already gone through enough with him and my ex husband.

Is it me? Am I attracting emotionally retarded men? ?

[GinON]

Just some hypothetical questions:

If you gave away your dog, what would he find to complain about? When you changed that, what would be next?

[d0nnivain]

You know this is not really about your dog. He was given tools to deal with his fears but he's choosing to continue sabotaging the relationship. Until he wants to address what is bothering him -- if he even can -- there is nothing you can do except accept it or walk away. It's your choice.

[Melrose78]

Just some hypothetical questions:

If you gave away your dog, what would he find to complain about? When you changed that, what would be next?

 

I have thought exactly that. There would be other things on his list to become an issue. And no way would I do it. It's like asking him to give up his kids.

 

I said this isn't about my dog. His response was actually pretty passive aggressive. He managed to list everything he wasn't happy with eg my job and hours I work. My dog. I even pointed out in counseling he had agreed the issue wasn't the dog. He didn't even acknowledge that.

 

I asked for space. He was ranting via Facebook messenger, which I hate as a communication tool. I knew that no matter my response it wouldn't be enough. He wasn't going to listen. He was too busy trying to push his point across and no response would be enough.

 

I love him with all my heart. We have such an awesome connection. But when we get close he throws a bomb under it ?

[elaine567]

 

I love him with all my heart. We have such an awesome connection. But when we get close he throws a bomb under it ?

What do you actually love about him?

Nothing you say here describes an "awesome connection"...

[BluEyeL]

I have thought exactly that. There would be other things on his list to become an issue. And no way would I do it. It's like asking him to give up his kids.

 

I said this isn't about my dog. His response was actually pretty passive aggressive. He managed to list everything he wasn't happy with eg my job and hours I work. My dog. I even pointed out in counseling he had agreed the issue wasn't the dog. He didn't even acknowledge that.

 

I asked for space. He was ranting via Facebook messenger, which I hate as a communication tool. I knew that no matter my response it wouldn't be enough. He wasn't going to listen. He was too busy trying to push his point across and no response would be enough.

 

I love him with all my heart. We have such an awesome connection. But when we get close he throws a bomb under it ?

 

I'm so sorry. My honest advice is to end the relationship. I am not one to urge for ending things quickly, but in your situation I think it's the best way. It is hard. You aren't even married and he is so bitter and resentful about things. If you were married, things would get even worse. In time, even if you're not married but live together, things will get worse and you'll end up in a loveless relationship and feel trapped.

 

It is clear that the two of you aren't compatible, although you have a connection . Letting go is best because you will have time to find the man who will be compatible, and who will love you, your dog and will be able to communicate effectively, fight fair, and overcome issues in a mature fashion.

[GinON]

Time to pull the pin, blow it up. If he works on it, decides to address his issues, maybe you can re-bond together later but he needs to deal with his avoidance of intimacy and love before you'll get any further than this. How many years of your life will you devote to this?

We all have our issues, sometimes we can't see them until someone blows them up in our faces.

[loversquarrel]

You know the problem, it's not the dog, it's him scared of being close. That's why he's sabotaging the relationship, he's setting you up for failure because in his mind that's what relationships do, they fail.

[Melrose78]

What do you actually love about him?

Nothing you say here describes an "awesome connection"...

 

Take away the fear response he has, and he's a gorgeous soul. He's fun loving, easy to talk to. We joke and have fun together.

We're interested in similar things.

But yes, in the end that means nothing. In the end he needs to face his own demons. After the message rant he went on last night I wanted to respond. I've typed many responses. But I know nothing I say will change this. Nothing I do will change this. And yep, it hurts.

 

I didn't move on after my previous marriage until I knew I was healed. As also mentiined by loversquarrel, he goes into self preservation mode.

[Melrose78]

What do you actually love about him?

Nothing you say here describes an "awesome connection"...

 

Take away the fear response he has, and he's a gorgeous soul. He's fun loving, easy to talk to. We joke and have fun together.

We're interested in similar things.

But yes, in the end that means nothing. In the end he needs to face his own demons. After the message rant he went on last night I wanted to respond. I've typed many responses. But I know nothing I say will change this. Nothing I do will change this. And yep, it hurts.

 

I didn't move on after my previous marriage until I knew I was healed. As also mentiined by loversquarrel, he goes into self preservation mode.

[Melrose78]

For the past week we barely spoke.

I kept reflecting, wondering if maybe I was somehow at fault. Maybe my own expectations were wrong. Maybe I had approach this wrong. I wasn't respecting hos own feelings. I wasn't listening.

 

I ended up sending him this message. I didn't want to communicate via text but knew he wouldn't talk to me on the phone..

 

"I think either u get counseling n sort out ur head or we end this.

This road has been walked too many times. I don't question my feelings but as time goes by they are altering. Hard not to in ongoing situations like this.

I can only do so much. And it seems even if i were to give Shay away, u would find another thing to replace all this with.

There's sooooo much more I want to say but it not worth it. It's meaningless in the end."

 

He didn't respond straight away. It took awhile to send this

 

"I just can’t handle your obsession with your dog, from sun up to sun down the dog is number 1 priority, you see things different to me so we will never agree i know that know. I have always enjoyed my time alone with you, but it can never be without the dog in the picture, if you focused half the energy you spend on the dog on yourself you might have time to sort your own life out, I’m tired of bringing up the same **** all the time, we will never see eye to eye."

 

A few exchanged messages later n he blocked me.

Why am I shocked at his response? I was forcing action. I wanted something to change. For him to maybe see my side. To see how this is all crazy.

 

All I got was total blame. And I know everyone will say it's for the best. But my heart has broken worse than it did with my ex husband. Maybe because I expected more. Because I thought or hoped he would see had crazy this all is.

 

And to top it off my Dad who turned his back on me over a year ago totally ignore me when I tried reaching out for his birthday today.

 

I feel so alone and devastated ?