An OM story

[an_OM]

i have read a lot of stories here the last couple of days and the amazing support the community provides to those suffering.

 

One thing I did notice that most posters / supporters (or in general if i can say the family) are mainly women... that is amazing on one hand that they are so supportive, empathizing and looking past each others' frailties and being there for each other to provide strength...but got me to thinking why do men not seek support, why they deal with it alone and why it looks that they are not missing the attention, affection and all the other things people mention missing in this subforum.

 

So thought i'd post mine... maybe it's just me (abashedly trying to represent all men) or maybe men have different form of suffering when it ends (and it ends differently for men) One day this woman joined my department... i will be truthful (though it sounds mean) but there was nothing out of the ordinary... decent looking, reasonably intelligent, seemed to have a BPD as her mood swings were very random and swung from one side of the spectrum to the other, very stubborn, lacked basic skills in being political correct (which i actually admired) but it could ruffle feathers across other departments, extremely upfront to the point of making situations awkward.

 

I liked her, probably because she was one of a kind. I wasn't sexually attracted, it was just amazing to talk to her over coffee or lunch as every word coming out of her is exactly how she feels about something. our friendship (very platonic on my end as i was not attracted at all) grew. My addiction. the ways she worshiped the ground i walked on and i took it as she looks at me as an inspiring mentor. somehow managed not to face a simple truth that a woman worships everything you touch when is in deep deep love with you.

 

Maybe I was an idiot and just because i wasn't attracted to her, never understood her admiration is her strong emotional connection. My stupidity, i even didn't pull back when I started to feel where this was heading. I was addicted to her worship, feeling like a king, a super hero in her world.

 

When it became a bit physical, i would fake it... the kisses, the makeouts as i loved being her gladiator... i actively avoided sex... and eventually i gave in... the intensity of her unconditional, uninhibited, utter love for me was just too much not to give in. i have no words to capture how blindly, intensely and unconditionally she showered her love on me.

 

We had unbelievable sex (almost 2 years after the start of the friendship) the next 6 months... marathonic... like 3 times a day, 5 days a week... everywhere... literally everywhere you can imagine... we did to one another everything that one can think of and loved it. Honestly,i am still not that physically attracted to her, i am addicted to her giving herself so completely, so utterly to me. when she gave herself to me, she gave all of herself to me... every inch and every shred of her mind, body and soul.

 

Then the BPD started to show, this time towards me ... before that i had only seen it befall others.. one day she is utterly mine... a few days later she is absolutely disgusted at the idea of talking to me. Of course, i am no longer the king, the gladiator, the god who walked on water and levitated... well some days i am... most days i am a mere mortal or lower.

 

I knew all along it's a fantasy... it's not real... yet, despite always knowing and being ready... it hurts, badly. We have been NC more often than we have spoken the last two months. An utter abyss in front which led me to understand why men behave differently and why it takes men probably way longer to get over it.

 

Men miss something very different, something far more difficult to find again and thus the longer silent suffering. the look a woman has when you are her entire world. that exalted cloud that she puts you on. the way her eyes shine when you enter the room. and then one day you get an eviction notice. When that is gone, we plunge into the abyss... Affair might continue for a while but we are more and more depressed as we can't find the 'my gladiator' in her anymore.

 

i know i will get over the pain of not seeing her, not talking to her, not holding her, not feeling those lips again ever. It will take some time but the pain will become less and less everyday. it already has. But will i ever feel the same as she made me feel before the fall from the throne of seven kingdoms... nah... never... ouch!!! Unbearably painful, fully deserved though..

Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing and construct paragraphs

[What_Did_I_Do]

Sorry I missed which one of you is married...?

 

Your post certainly does provide male insight and may provide some 'whys' to the ladies here on LS in terms of what the men are thinking.

 

The ego boost for most OM is a drug, no doubt about that. Much like the adoring words MM shower their OW with at the beginning of an affair. Cast out the line, bite, hooked. When all the sweet stuff is gone, then the anxiety escalates. The MP pulls away and the OM/OW is in despair.

 

No, you probably won't have another damsel in distress worship the ground you walk on, but if you are seeking a healthy relationship, you may find someone where you both can be equals. Those pedastals always come crashing down.

[PhoenixRising8]

we plunge into the abyss... Affair might continue for a while but we are more and more depressed as we can't find the 'my gladiator' in her anymore. - my heart bleeds ... not.

 

Did you ever consider it from her point of view? Read your post as many times as you need to because the answer is right there. The reason you can't find the gladiator in her anymore is because somewhere along the line you stopped behaving as one. Not overnight, but slowly over time. She noticed but rationalized and made excuses until the excuses stopped making sense, even to her. Then she hoped that it would change and gave it more time but finally accepted the fact that she meant little more to you than hot, uninhibited sex. Heck, you weren't even sexually attracted to her and admit you faked it. It was all about YOU. You used a vulnerable woman for your own ego boost and satisfaction.

 

And of course, when she started to realize the truth and back away, it was her BPD kicking in. It wasn't that she got a clue about your lack of real affection for her or that she finally was beginning to understand she meant nothing more than an ego boost and a hot time between the sheets. It was always just about you.

 

We OWs may be neglected and therefore vulnerable but we do eventually catch on. We start to see beyond the knight in shining armour who shows up at the beginning of the chase. When the chase is over, and we're caught, hook, line and sinker, the AP figures the effort is no longer necessary and the true self emerges, leaving the OW to wonder what happened. Truth is, nothing we do changes the trajectory. It was always the thrill of the chase and the ego boost we provide yet we're naive enough to think it's because we actually mean something.

Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact long quote of starting post

[an_OM]

<snip> Then she hoped that it would change and gave it more time but finally accepted the fact that she meant little more to you than hot, uninhibited sex. Heck, you weren't even sexually attracted to her and admit you faked it. It was all about YOU. You used a vulnerable woman for your own ego boost and satisfaction.

 

<snip> It wasn't that she got a clue about your lack of real affection for her or that she finally was beginning to understand she meant nothing more than an ego boost and a hot time between the sheets. It was always just about you.

 

<snip> When the chase is over, and we're caught, hook, line and sinker, the AP figures the effort is no longer necessary and the true self emerges, leaving the OW to wonder what happened. Truth is, nothing we do changes the trajectory. It was always the thrill of the chase and the ego boost we provide yet we're naive enough to think it's because we actually mean something.

 

i think i came across very very wrong.. the mention about my lack of physical attraction does not take anything away from my emotional attraction.

 

I'd do anything for this woman... i'd kidnap her and take her to an island where it's just her and me if i knew i could bring the same smile to her i used to.

 

Yes, I do not have a very strong physical attraction to her, but I have SOOOOO many emotions for her I didn't even know i was capable of feeling those emotions... most of them are not selfish... i want her to be happy, i want her to laugh and smile and dance....

 

my favorite memories of her are when she put both her arms around my neck and not the hot screaming sex between the sheets (it was hot... as it made me show her how much she meant to me)... physical attraction is just a tiny tiny fraction of what make sex amazing... would I give up every joy that exists to just have her put her arm around my neck one more time... without a second thought.

 

i am not sure if i used her... I love her like i have never loved anything in my life. keeping the NC as i can't see anyway she'd ever be happy if she continued this fantasy relation... it's not real... i am not what the fog made her see... we'd both be in pain for a while, but it's better than continuing to chase a mirage.

Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[an_OM]

Sorry I missed which one of you is married...?

 

Your post certainly does provide male insight and may provide some 'whys' to the ladies here on LS in terms of what the men are thinking.

 

The ego boost for most OM is a drug, no doubt about that. Much like the adoring words MM shower their OW with at the beginning of an affair. Cast out the line, bite, hooked. When all the sweet stuff is gone, then the anxiety escalates. The MP pulls away and the OM/OW is in despair.

 

No, you probably won't have another damsel in distress worship the ground you walk on, but if you are seeking a healthy relationship, you may find someone where you both can be equals. Those pedastals always come crashing down.

 

She is married, i am not.

 

And that is exactly what made me want to post here... the other side of the story which is not told here so often... maybe it will help if i answer what the OM goes through when breaking off an affair... and what maybe made us fall in one in the first place.

 

Once again, i love her from the bottom of my heart... but i'd rather go NC because I KNOW I can't make her happy anymore... i'd run through the battlefield of Normandy on the d-day naked if i knew i'd find someway to make her laugh and have that shine on her face i used to bring. i just know i can't no matter how much i try. She is torn between her marriage and me and it gets worse and worse....

 

I don't know... maybe it was a stupid idea to post here...

 

just wanted to answer any question that linger on the forum on what an OM might feel / is driven by to act the way he acted. I see a lot of guessing...

 

i am here to answer any question from my most intimate feelings to my most painful moments.

Edited January 7, 2019 by an_OM

[an_OM]

The reason you can't find the gladiator in her anymore is because somewhere along the line you stopped behaving as one. Not overnight, but slowly over time.

 

the biggest difference i feel if i retrospect is that it started once i fell for her as well.

 

i became way more caring, attentive, loving, passionate. not saying that necessarily drove the change, just that i lost the gladiator status not when i was distant and trying to avoid her...

 

i lost it after i gave in and became truly hers. (not in a clingy/needy way, but in a caring/loving way).

[skywriter]

<snip>

So thought i'd post mine... maybe it's just me (abashedly trying to represent all men) or maybe men have different form of suffering when it ends (and it ends differently for men) One day this woman joined my department... i will be truthful (though it sounds mean) but there was nothing out of the ordinary... decent looking, reasonably intelligent, seemed to have a BPD as her mood swings were very random and swung from one side of the spectrum to the other, very stubborn, lacked basic skills in being political correct (which i actually admired) but it could ruffle feathers across other departments, extremely upfront to the point of making situations awkward.

<snip>

 

an Om , thank you so much for sharing your story. I realize how hard it is when your emotions already feel very raw froom the A. I, like you was the single AP.

 

The BPD description you describe, is often described as the push/pull of the A, and could be guilt on the married AP's part. I think different circumstances in the married AP's home life brings this behavior on.

 

I am here to tell you that I am proof for us single AP's things improve with continued NC. I've moved on to a relationship with a single available person. I have no regrets for ending my nearly six year A. I wish you the best.

Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Aloha123]

Hi OM, thank you for sharing your perspective. I am never one to judge somebody brave enough to post on this particular sub-forum

 

I will say, I think the experience of a non-married man is not that similar to the experience of a married man having a affair. The incentives and agendas are pretty different in the 2 situations.

 

You do raise an interesting point, which is that many of us other women, particularly us married ones, are probably guilty of wanting what we can't have, and so we are attracted to the MM precisely because he is so emotionally unavailable and because an actual relationship is so out of reach. It may well be that is part of the reason she has pulled away.

 

But, regardless, you should focus on yourself now. Because you are single, please try to take advantage of that fact to date other people. Go online, join eharmony, whatever.

[PhoenixRising8]

i think i came across very very wrong.. the mention about my lack of physical attraction does not take anything away from my emotional attraction.

 

I'd do anything for this woman... i'd kidnap her and take her to an island where it's just her and me if i knew i could bring the same smile to her i used to.

 

 

My apologies if that is truly how you feel. It is diametrically opposed to your original post, hence my initial response.

[BourneWicked]

Thanks for sharing your story. The depth of your feeling and way of communicating it is lovely.

 

In the responses here, I think people have to be careful not to project their own feelings onto others. Also, there can be a lot of judgey comments based on what people believe to be socially, religiously or culturally appropriate. When posting here, there's already a deviance from the norm, so trying to shove people back into the box isn't typically helpful (but it happens a lot).

 

A couple reasons men don't post as many of these stories are -

 

The judgements they receive in response.

Cultural stigma about men having and expressing feelings

The gradient on which they feel things. If they are able to compartmentalize and forget, I think they do.

 

Did she know how you felt before you went NC? Did you talk through the options? Which may not be options at all... But just to lay out how you felt and the possibilities, or lack thereof, of any future relationship.

 

She might have started feeling, that she could have been anyone, that she was replaceable. That she felt so strongly for you, but you were less attracted to her. Then what happens when someone comes along that you are both sexually and emotionally attracted to? Probably she had no intention of hurting you, or looking at you as less, but at some point she had to protect herself from any more hurt.

 

Thanks again for sharing. I'm sorry for the pain you are going through.

[an_OM]

Thanks for sharing your story. The depth of your feeling and way of communicating it is lovely.

 

Did she know how you felt before you went NC? Did you talk through the options? Which may not be options at all... But just to lay out how you felt and the possibilities, or lack thereof, of any future relationship.

 

She might have started feeling, that she could have been anyone, that she was replaceable. That she felt so strongly for you, but you were less attracted to her. Then what happens when someone comes along that you are both sexually and emotionally attracted to? Probably she had no intention of hurting you, or looking at you as less, but at some point she had to protect herself from any more hurt.

 

Thanks again for sharing. I'm sorry for the pain you are going through.

 

Thanks for the kind word. Honestly, the reason I posted here was I see so many OW stories here and too little OM perspective, so thought maybe i can volunteer to answer if it helps anyone.

 

The NC is requested by her and I am honoring it. Always been like that, but she always comes back within a week all broken and I can't see her all broken so take her back in my arms. The longest NC has been 2 weeks during which she reached out twice but I told her to try and have the strength to do what she feels is right.

 

This time I have a resolution (which will of course melt away at the first sight of her first tear) to actually complete what she has set out to do.. break it, finally and fully.. I'd be devastated for a while, but the toll this is taking on her... i see her red puffy eyes from crying and my heart sinks... and i want to run to her and take her in my arm and make everything alright... but i know I just can't.

 

She knows how I feel. we did speak possibilities including kidnapping her and taking her to a remote island She will not leave her husband due to 2 kids. Husband is a decent guy, financially they are independent of each other. she just had been lonely in the marriage, no connection whatsoever with husband for the last 10 years.

 

About dating, I don't want anyone right now.. also it'd be unfair to whoever i date as all i'd be doing is searching for her in them. I am fine alone for a while. will pick up some sport.. tennis, run, swim or try and learn something new... also it'd hurt her a lot seeing me get on with my life so easy and so quick. We still work together and have to see each other everyday.

[an_OM]

My apologies if that is truly how you feel. It is diametrically opposed to your original post, hence my initial response.

 

No worries at all... i have read my first post and it does sound very cold.

 

think why i subconsciously omitted mentioning any feelings is the same reason we don't have OM posting here... 'my feelings are mine to deal with' inclination. either wired or trained that way for a very long time.

 

for all the OW out there, even when it looks your OM is perfectly fine, he is probably all broken up inside. you'd cry but seek support and find a healthy way to be better. He most probably will just mourn the death of something amazingly beautiful silently forever.

[elaine567]

 

for all the OW out there, even when it looks your OM is perfectly fine, he is probably all broken up inside. you'd cry but seek support and find a healthy way to be better. He most probably will just mourn the death of something amazingly beautiful silently forever.

The OW is in a relationship with an MM not a OM.

[Poppy47]

Thank you for posting here.

 

Not too many OM last long here as people can be very judgemental and confronting.

 

I appreciate your brutally raw thoughts and feelings. It is a very different perspective.

 

Poppy.

[an_OM]

Thank you for posting here.

 

Not too many OM last long here as people can be very judgemental and confronting.

 

I appreciate your brutally raw thoughts and feelings. It is a very different perspective.

 

Poppy.

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

I truly understand if people here are confronting... what i see here are primarily OW who are heartbroken and suffering/have suffered.

 

would continue to write / answer any questions from an OM perspective as long as there is interest (and a feeling it in some way helps).

 

to me it will feel like helping the love of my life get over me )

[Ravensglen]

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

 

I think you romanticize her, which is a very normal thing to do. It does help to remember that she’s not perfect. In your first post you speak of your AP as someone who speaks their mind, is unconventional, etc. if her marriage is so bad and she’s financially independent then why is she still married to her husband? The kids? That is an excuse, honestly. If she wanted out she would make it happen. A person who doesn’t deal with issues head on at home and instead has an affair is a coward. So just remember that when you long for her and fantasize about her. It sounds like you’re making her perfect in your mind but she is not....

 

I wish you all the best. These relationships are hell to get over

[an_OM]

It is 3 weeks no NC now (we work in the same office so see each other every day though)...

 

What do I see happening with her...

I see her very quiet at times and very (more than usual) chatty with team at other times... I see she is pale, look sick and her eyes are puffy from either crying or lack of sleep. I am happy to see she is talking to others and not alienating herself, and very happy to see that she goes with them and eats.

 

What is happening with me...

I can't sleep or can't sleep more than 2-3 hours at one time.. my neural circuitry is three times more active than normal. train of thoughts, flashes, memories (not just hers). whenever i did fall asleep i woke up not knowing who i am, where i am.

 

I don't want to talk to anyone as their presence interrupts my train of images and flashes. I am starting to actually like the pain a little, like this is a close friend that wouldn't leave ... i keep very busy, working or swimming or playing tennis or hiking or working out etc.

 

the first week was truly horrible, had to fight the urges to want to cry (i know i know), was very confused and had a lot of very very very strong and conflicting emotions. found myself talking to her even though she is not there, sometimes telling her how much i loved her, other times telling her to FO. was angry, hurt, disappointed at myself. chest as if someone is clutching on to my heart.

 

The second week a little better... still every though was about her but the desperation to see her / hold her was less. logic and rational thoughts starting to find their way in. 'it's just oxytocin making me feel how much i love her and vasopressin making me think of her as 'MINE' even though she is not... it's a withdrawl from dopamine and it is supposed to feel like a withdrawl'... those kind of rational / logic thoughts followed by images of her face when she smiled at me (especially the one when she climaxed... god her face looked like an angel)... so a constant struggle between me trying to logically convince me and me trying to debunk the logic with emotions...

 

Now logic is sort of winning... still gets bulldozed over by the craving to hold her one more time, make wild passionate love to her... the other day i had the most weird thought of them all... i have kissed every inch of her (really... every place you can think of) but i never kissed the bottom of her feet... i really wanted to kiss them... they were part of hers and i never kissed them... ouch! will have to live with that.

 

today was ok'ish... one reason probably because i am writing here... honestly guys, if you are reading this... just writing this here knowing someone will read it helps... helps a lot, more than i could have imagined... also went out today to hit a bucket of balls and then hit the gym... then walked 12km.... can't sleep though... wake up every 15 minutes and have her in my dreams.

 

goal for next week is to start talking to people again (i am quite an outgoing person otherwise and quite talkative)... know it will be hard to reconnect and find meaning in conversations, but have to go in that direction.

 

My biggest hope is she does not drop me a text or comes by my office... not sure i'd be able to say no... and will be back to square 1.

[an_OM]

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

 

I think you romanticize her, which is a very normal thing to do. It does help to remember that she’s not perfect. In your first post you speak of your AP as someone who speaks their mind, is unconventional, etc. if her marriage is so bad and she’s financially independent then why is she still married to her husband? The kids? That is an excuse, honestly. If she wanted out she would make it happen. A person who doesn’t deal with issues head on at home and instead has an affair is a coward. So just remember that when you long for her and fantasize about her. It sounds like you’re making her perfect in your mind but she is not....

 

I wish you all the best. These relationships are hell to get over

 

thanks for the kind words...

 

Oh she is far from perfect... if i were to meet her today for the first time my impression of her would be 'not even if it was for the survival of the species'...

 

what sucked my in was the Picasso's flawless strokes to my ego and then again i didn't really fall for the first 2 years...

 

her husband is a decent guy and an extremely loving father...

 

i am not trying to delude myself into believing otherwise.

 

1. she made me her god when i was emotionally unavailable or had at least not utterly fallen for her... back then the husband, the kids, the marriage nothing mattered to her... she would travel across the pond to just see me for 2 hours (i need to travel to Europe often), to just hold hands or have lunch together... seriously... travel across the pond to have 2 hours with me. and honestly i wasn't that caring or affectionate back then and we weren't having sex.

 

2. she started changing after we had sex (and it was amazing sex... she'd do things with me she found demeaning before and loved every bit of it)... but then the guilt start to set in (which i understand... before it was on the way to something so all else took a back seat.. now all is done and it's remorse time.

 

i also think that her husband has started to give more attention to her as well, probably (feeling her complete detachment might have had a tug on him).

 

She is not pure evil as well.. i truly believed she loved me with all her heart, just now she can see through the fog and her 'conscientious' side is winning over the 'seek thrill' side.

 

she is going through pain.. i see that everyday.

[Abetterme]

OP, I am sorry for the deep pain you’re feeling. It is obvious from your writing just how horrible it is. I am just about 3 weeks NC myself and it made me cry reading through your week by week breakdowns as it is quite similar even though I know severing this is for the best.

 

I read this and wished that MM had an oz of the pain you’re feeling, but I think MM dynamics are very different. The way he was able to flip me off like a switch, i doubt he has feeling for me at all. It is a pointless exercise and I know it...trying to be in his brain, but it’s cathartic just to express now and again.

 

I tend to agree with what somebody mentioned about what you’re associating with her BPD behaviors as the push of the MP in general. My MM and I are 2,000 miles apart but our dozen or so meetings were as intense as you describe. I would find myself almost wanting to lash out at him in anger after parting. But really I was just so unbelievably angry at myself and that I put myself in the position to betray my H and child. It’s horrible. I empathize with you both.

 

It is clear you have a lot of love to give. I hope you can maintain NC, end this relationship and find someone who looks at you this way once again. I promise you, it will happen.

[mark clemson]

 

The NC is requested by her and I am honoring it. Always been like that, but she always comes back within a week all broken and I can't see her all broken so take her back in my arms. The longest NC has been 2 weeks during which she reached out twice but I told her to try and have the strength to do what she feels is right.

 

 

I am fine alone for a while. will pick up some sport.. tennis, run, swim or try and learn something new... also it'd hurt her a lot seeing me get on with my life so easy and so quick. We still work together and have to see each other everyday.

 

This sounds quite a bit like my EA. Also saw each other all the time and also a significant amount of pushing away/BPDish behavior on her part. But then she'd turn needy again and and reel me back in once I start actually showing a lack of interest. Also very limited physical attraction to her on my part, but didn't stop me from feeling very strong emotion/limerence for her. To both our credit, I suppose, we resisted a very strong mutual pull to go PA.

 

In my case, after more than a year of push and pull, the negative side of her BPD tendencies took over. I ended up feeling very glad that we'd never gone PA - I feel like I would be tainted somehow because she turned into such a total ***** at the end. Happy that you've had a somewhat better experience.

 

Since this is a workplace thing, you should take great caution going forward - work contexts can be VERY unforgiving of PA activity or any accusations of harassment. (In your case it sounds like it was a very mutual thing, but you never know what a BPD type might do...)

 

Part of her interest in ending things might well be that she is risking both her job and her marriage/kid access if discovered - that's a LOT to risk, no matter how good the A felt in the moment...

Edited January 8, 2019 by mark clemson
clarified a few points