Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I don't think being positive does anyone any good when it borders on delusion. Edgy, you seem to be perma-single and constantly looking. There are many single 40+ women on here who all brag about great options, yet remain single year after year. They are always dating a soulmate. I guess they are trying to do "The Secret" thing with being forcibly positive. All the attachment style BS is just a way to refuse to face reality and make you feel more in control. If you were an attractive 25 yo, you could be a serial killer and have men wanting to be with you forever. Especially 40 something men. The reality for older women is bleak but facing it and accepting it can be so liberating. I pity women who think that the only happiness in life exists if you have a man. Delete all the apps, The Match, all of it. Then go outside, breathe and do what you would do if knew for sure that you will never find a suitable partner. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Actually it wouldn't surprise me who was old because l some extremely successful women on my site back when. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) I'm sorry you feel this way, and I know you gave up. I haven't and I'm happy and positive about my dating prospects. I've had at least two more serious relationships where they wanted to marry me since I joined this forum but I usually don't come here when relationships are working, hence it's not "documented". I think you also should rethink telling someone online their psychological issues are BS. Would you tell someone who is depressed that it's BS? Weird, condescending and heartless if you ask me. Great to know what you pity. And I pity women who gave up.But I respected your choice instead of bashing you, didn't I? In any case - I was just trying to give my perspective on OPs point that older women can't find someone. This thread is not about me, and I am not looking for advice or judgement on this thread about my prospects or issues to be honest. Specially not from people who seem bitter about dating! As far as I know people find love and also marry in their 40s 50s 60s and even 80s. But if you go by this forum - that's an illusion, they don't deserve love, they're too old! Weird that so many people with issues are jumping on me for saying women in their 40s CAN attract good men. I guess the assumptions and preconceptions in society are still strong no matter how much progress women make. Sad! I don't think being positive does anyone any good when it borders on delusion. Edgy, you seem to be perma-single and constantly looking. There are many single 40+ women on here who all brag about great options, yet remain single year after year. They are always dating a soulmate. I guess they are trying to do "The Secret" thing with being forcibly positive.<snip> Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) I actually agreed with some of your points, but you seem to take your own experience (including observations about your peer group) as a religious gospel. It could be true that, on average, men prefer younger women. But your gospel doesn’t apply to my own peer very well. And who’s to say Edgegirl is not in the top 1% lookwise? Where did I say that? In fact, I think its quite the opposite...I don't think ALL good men go younger, but "good" older men are going to be picking from the cream of the crop of women in their age group...Mostly for the reasons I mentioned earlier....IME, More good women leave bad marriages than men do...If good men leave marriages, they aren't kicking around for very long... And they have tons of options...Each and every day...Just living their own lives and not even trying...So why then are these magnificent men(who all of a sudden can't find women, despite the fact that they are all good looking and wealthy with great careers) all on OLD now? Aint buying that for a minute...No effing way... I have no reason to piss on any of your breakfast cereal, but rather than just get defensive and call BS, maybe its worthwhile to take an opinion of a male that doesn't have any relationship issues and doesn't struggle..Those types are pretty rare on this site... .But if you don't want to hear it, fine....suit yourselves... TFY Edited January 14, 2019 by thefooloftheyear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) I don't think being positive does anyone any good when it borders on delusion. Edgy, you seem to be perma-single and constantly looking. There are many single 40+ women on here who all brag about great options, yet remain single year after year. They are always dating a soulmate. I guess they are trying to do "The Secret" thing with being forcibly positive.<snip>. I agree with this...although I think you should be positive simoly because positivity is a choice and why would anyone choose to be negative? But be positive in general because you have accepted your singledom and take strength from that. You never know, a sunnier disposition might actually help attract the person you are looking for. Low odds admittedly but better than constantly wearing singledom as a frown on your forehead... Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) <snip> So the Director of Medicine of one of the largest universities medical centers I dated last year i.e. "would NEVER bother with OLD (...) or was just trolling for easy and desperate women", as well as one of the partners in one of the largest law firms in the city I dated last month and a Managing Director at one of the big banks also from last year. Just google how much they make and tell me how desperate they are haha. Yeah... cause that's the kind of men I date... don't think they're desperate <snip> From your posts you seem to judge if a guy is a "good catch" or not by their bank account... Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 From your posts you seem to judge if a guy is a "good catch" or not by their bank account... a lot of women do that. especially the good-looking ones 1 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) I actually don't. The man I'm most into right now is in finance but he doesn't seem to be loaded nor that ambitious. And I would never choose a man by the amount of money one has although I do like professional men, as myself. I actually prefer to stay single if I don't find the right person personality-wise, no matter how much money they have. It's others here who assume and kept stating only LOSERS would date a woman in their 40s, so using society's rules, I explained that's not the case and provided examples. From your posts you seem to judge if a guy is a "good catch" or not by their bank account... Edited January 14, 2019 by edgygirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) <snip> The reality for older women is bleak but facing it and accepting it can be so liberating. I pity women who think that the only happiness in life exists if you have a man. Delete all the apps, The Match, all of it. Then go outside, breathe and do what you would do if knew for sure that you will never find a suitable partner. This. Unfortunately, when you tell the truth you're seen as a negative person. One of my favorite quotes of all time: "Facts don't care about your feelings." People also think that if you accept reality, you're not a positive person. As if coping mechanisms like self-delusion are the best way to face life. For some people, that works fine. If that isn't the way a person likes to face life, there's nothing wrong with that at all. It's not positive or negative, it just is. All we can do is become the best versions of ourselves, continue to actively date, and realize that relationships take compromise. Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Is it a problem for "older women" in general or is it just more of a problem for those men and women who find themselves "eternally single"? Seems to me older "singles" who have been married or have been in LTRs, are looking for people in similar circumstances to themselves, as opposed to seeking out those older men and women who have never been in LTRs, who have had a string of STRs, who have lived for a long time alone, who have adopted a very single way of life, who are perpetual daters, who are forever looking in vain for Mr/Miss Right... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Is it a problem for "older women" in general or is it just more of a problem for those men and women who find themselves "eternally single"? I think you’re onto something here elaine. Whenever I’ve gotten out of a long-term relationship the last thing I wanted to do is jump right into another. I want “me” time. If all I ever had was “me” time I may want to be coupled up real bad and that may come across as desperation to others or worse yet, bitterness. People can pick up on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I don't think being positive does anyone any good when it borders on delusion I get what you mean, but maybe that's a bit too cynical? I've no real experience in dating (not my thing culturally or personally), entirely by choice. The only time I wasn't single was when I was married, and that was the loneliest experience I've ever had. I'm most positive when I'm single. It was true before I got married, it's true now. Being single is my 'positive', when I feel truer to myself. I'm completely immune to societal expectations, I don't care what others think; to me, that's my truth. I'm not compensating, lying to myself, dyfunctional or anything else. Being single brings me a type of peace of mind that is vital to how my mind works. But I know, for having met some, that there are 'good' 40+ single men around. I also know that being 'positive' doesn't mean the same thing for me than it does for someone else. It's not delusional to hope or believe that your version of a 'soulmate' is out there somewhere. As long as you are positive, who cares what makes you positive? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I actually don't. The man I'm most into right now is in finance but he doesn't seem to be loaded nor that ambitious. And I would never choose a man by the amount of money one has although I do like professional men, as myself. I actually prefer to stay single if I don't find the right person personality-wise, no matter how much money they have. It's others here who assume and kept stating only LOSERS would date a woman in their 40s, so using society's rules, I explained that's not the case and provided examples. Again, with respect it sounds from this and your other posts like you are taking this very personally and exaggerating the point, nobody is saying it's losers who go for older women! It is an undeniable truth however that there is a hierarchy in dating and it's mad to argue against it. Older women slip down the hierarchy as they age- what goes up has to come down. Very very few people in life get to have their cake and eat it in the dating marketplace from the moment they reach sexual maturity to the end of their days. Each of us will usually have a moment in time where we reach our peak desirability and it is down to us how we use that. I guess the smart people use it to pro-create at that point and snag a life partner. If you are too busy doing having fun or getting your life in order then boo-hoo, too bad so sad. Time is not sentimental and waits for no-one. Dating is a competition and all things being equal men look for youth and women look for money/security and we all compete against that benchmark. YOU may have options- that's great, but you seemed to have the attitude in the post I replied to earlier that just because you have men banging your door down to chat with you then all other older women must do too when I would argue that judging by the many threads on this forum from older women who bemoan their options that you are more the exception than the norm, and biologically that makes total sense. One thing I would add is that it doesn't sound like you have kids which probably helps. I was chatting to a woman the other day, 40, seemed like a good prospect until she revealed that she had 4 kids, one of which was only 2 years old! She didn't mention any of this in her profile. So she is older, has lots of mouths to feed plus has the commitments and child care costs of raising an infant for a good few years yet. Sorry, but I imagine she is going to struggle finding someone to get involved with that sort of deal. I made a quick exit upon hearing that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I’m sorry some_username1, my beef was with a couple of other posters who are either perma-bitter about dating, or imply that only losers would date a woman in her 40s (not you). Even your post below shows that the issue you have with the woman you mention is her “baggage”/kids; so in theory you’d feel the same about a 30 yo woman with 4 kids. It’s not her age that’s preventing you to want to go on a date with her is it? Aren't you confirming my point? While it’s true that women’s value prob goes down to many men and society as they age, my experience is feeling I have as many dating prospects as I’ve had 10 or 15 years ago. I don't feel the "hierarchy" you mention. Sure, if a man wants to start a family and have 4 kids, they won't come for me. But I am also not interested in them, so... this hierarchy doesn't make any difference for me. There are plenty of interesting males who are not in that category and I feel I have access to most of them within my niche. Maybe I’m the exception as you said; but I agree with someone who mentioned earlier in the thread that having a warm and positive attitude is what really attracts dates. Ok - having a fit body and looking your best also helps. Sadly I will admit when I was overweight and in a miserable mood for 2 years I've had less prospects than I do now. Maybe also me being a niche dater makes me have more options, because all culturally or religiously Jewish men whom I swipe right swipes right at me as well. It just feels comfy to date people with the same cultural background, I guess for both of us. My only point was really that I don't feel that (my) age itself is giving me less prospects, I feel I have a full plate of options that I “attract” - and wasn't that what the initial OP was about? I’m not trying to brag or anything, just make the women who think they can’t attract anyone rethink because I disagree that age is the main cause of not being able to attract people. Somehow a few started attacking me by implying that because I don’t have a stable relationship and/or been looking for a while, it must mean I’m either delusional or not really attracting men as I say I am... LOL. So either I'm crazy or lying. I find that flabbergasting and downright offensive. I also find it weird that someone would be so doubtful about what an anonymous stranger with nothing to gain says at an internet forum. For me it seems really about their preconceptions and own experiences and views of society, it’s not about what me or what I said. One thing I would add is that it doesn't sound like you have kids which probably helps. I was chatting to a woman the other day, 40, seemed like a good prospect until she revealed that she had 4 kids, one of which was only 2 years old! She didn't mention any of this in her profile. So she is older, has lots of mouths to feed plus has the commitments and child care costs of raising an infant for a good few years yet. Sorry, but I imagine she is going to struggle finding someone to get involved with that sort of deal. I made a quick exit upon hearing that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Anyway - for those of you who prefer to feel they don't attract anyone because they're old and all is lost, and choose to be bitter about it (or not be bitter and feel comfy in their singledom), be my guest! I prefer to believe that the universe will sort things out, even if it happens when I'm 80. Guess I took after my mom in the romantic side. She's over 80, happily married to my dad, and a hopeless romantic. Call me silly, I don't care. I admire this quality of thinking positive about love even when life throws punches at you. To each their own. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) I’m sorry some_username1, my beef was with a couple of other posters who are either perma-bitter about dating, or imply that only losers would date a woman in her 40s (not you). Even your post below shows that the issue you have with the woman you mention is her “baggage”/kids; so in theory you’d feel the same about a 30 yo woman with 4 kids. It’s not her age that’s preventing you to want to go on a date with her is it? Aren't you confirming my point?<snip> Yeah you make some good points there it has to be said and I agree that using your single status to invalidate your opinion was a bit uncalled for. I wouldn't get so defensive about it though, laugh it off or shrug it off. Getting annoyed on the internet with people who don't know you is a waste of time! On the point about being older and having kids in tow I think it depends on the nature of the situation, for me, personally: I have no kids so I think it is fair enough to expect that in the woman, although as I saod aboht hierarchies I realise I am no spring chicken and whilst I feel I can make a case for being physically desirable on a good day there are parts of my life that aren't in order yet and so I may have to compromise in some way. For the right woman I would maybe accept it if she had kids, but it would obviously be preferable for me if she was 30 with 2 kids than 40 with 4. The issue with post 40 women as I see it is that it could be an advantage in the sense that if the kids have left the nest the woman at least can put her relations with the man first due to her time of life. Having 4 kids is a bit more than I (and most men I would wager) would want to deal with, but having an infant is kind the backwards way of doing it, as there is no 'me' time even though a 40 year old should be getting to that life stage really. But again this is not the exception, a woman in her mid 40s I was chatting to the other day had her 23 year old son living with her, this sort of stuff doesn't help an older woman's marketability. It's like living with your parents! Not that they should care what I think of course but I can't help but think that as well as age some older women don't help themselves by still having kids who are so dependent on them at that time of life. Edited January 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 But again this is not the exception, a woman in her mid 40s I was chatting to the other day had her 23 year old son living with her, this sort of stuff doesn't help an older woman's marketability. It's like living with your parents! Not that they should care what I think It shouldn’t matter who lives at her place unless you were planning on moving in or didn’t have a nice enough place of your own to hang out at. Besides, kids that age go out a lot. It’s not like living with your parents unless you’re planning to hook up with her son since he’s the one living with his parents. For all you know he could be working towards his Masters while student teaching which means his bills exceed his income. She should just let him struggle so she can get a date? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 You're absolutely right, not worth it! But thank you for pointing out the below. Yeah you make some good points there it has to be said and I agree that using your single status to invalidate your opinion was a bit uncalled for. I wouldn't get so defensive about it though, laugh it off or shrug it off. Getting annoyed on the internet with people who don't know you is a waste of time! I totally get your points about dating someone with kids, but specially little ones; indeed I don't have any, and I am also conflicted about dating dads. I've dated a couple and there has been issues - not enough time to date, kids will always be the priority. I'm not proud to say it, but I'd also prefer men with no kids, and honestly there are quite a lot in my city around my age. But of course the reality is I'm open to try if someone with kids interests me. I guess this goes with this thread - none of us in older age have the perfect situation, but we are probably good enough for someone Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 But isn’t it more delusional to think giving up is so liberating when one writes with a tone so full of bitterness? I don't think being positive does anyone any good when it borders on delusion. Edgy, you seem to be perma-single and constantly looking. There are many single 40+ women on here who all brag about great options, yet remain single year after year. They are always dating a soulmate. I guess they are trying to do "The Secret" thing with being forcibly positive. All the attachment style BS is just a way to refuse to face reality and make you feel more in control. If you were an attractive 25 yo, you could be a serial killer and have men wanting to be with you forever. Especially 40 something men. The reality for older women is bleak but facing it and accepting it can be so liberating. I pity women who think that the only happiness in life exists if you have a man. Delete all the apps, The Match, all of it. Then go outside, breathe and do what you would do if knew for sure that you will never find a suitable partner. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 It shouldn’t matter who lives at her place unless you were planning on moving in or didn’t have a nice enough place of your own to hang out at. Besides, kids that age go out a lot. It’s not like living with your parents unless you’re planning to hook up with her son since he’s the one living with his parents. For all you know he could be working towards his Masters while student teaching which means his bills exceed his income. She should just let him struggle so she can get a date? Never mind her I doubt he is getting a date living at home with his mum at 23! Strewth. I've seen on LS what you ladies think of that! young adults, especially men, need their independence. Higher education requirements I can appreciate but that wasn't the case in this instance. He might just be tied to his mother's apron strings which isn't a good look for either of them. Ah well, not my circus, not my clowns.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 No matter what your age or your gender or whatever you get back what you put out to the world. If you put out an aura that is bitter negative and disdainful towards the opposite sex then anybody with sense will avoid you but if you put out the opposite you will attract quality people. I see women in their 60s with active love lives and happy relationships because they project positivity and good vibes. Men feel in good company in their presence and that these women are somebody they can have happy times with. The same happens with the genders reversed. A 25 year old woman who has a resentful, misandrist and negative demeanor will unappealing as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 ^ Yeah, but if she is really a misandrist, she wouldn't care, would she? If you don't like men, you sure don't want one. So I think we can assume she isn't a misandrist or that any woman looking for a man isn't a misandrist. If she's still hoping to find a good one, she's not a misandrist. She is assuming there is a good one for her to find. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 ^ Yeah, but if she is really a misandrist, she wouldn't care, would she? If you don't like men, you sure don't want one. So I think we can assume she isn't a misandrist or that any woman looking for a man isn't a misandrist. If she's still hoping to find a good one, she's not a misandrist. She is assuming there is a good one for her to find. There are plenty of people who don't like the opposite sex but are attracted to them. Look at how many misogynists are married. There are plenty of women who are post men are trash memes on twitter all day then sleep next to their husband at night. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Osho Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 The most attractive woman that I’ve encountered to date is almost double my age. I can catch her jogging on my way to work every single morning. It’s not the fact she’s in impeccable shape or the fact she’s more real than most of the women my age. Her most attractive quality is that she’s not resigning to defeat or the stigma of old age. She doesn’t dye her hair and does show signs of age. But she lights up when you make her smile. And my favorite thing about her is that her smile is infectious to everyone around her. She exudes more confidence than all of the 20 something year old girls with toned abs and pretty faces. Every time I see her I always remember that cheesy quote from Shawshank... “Get busy living, or get busy dying” 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 It shouldn’t matter who lives at her place unless you were planning on moving in or didn’t have a nice enough place of your own to hang out at. Besides, kids that age go out a lot. It’s not like living with your parents unless you’re planning to hook up with her son since he’s the one living with his parents. For all you know he could be working towards his Masters while student teaching which means his bills exceed his income. She should just let him struggle so she can get a date? This... And women who have been mom's are usually far more attractive to men than one's who haven't ever had.. all else equal... I don't see why anyone would consider that "baggage" but hey, there is an ass for every seat, as they say.. TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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