jaimepn Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) I am portuguese. Was raised in a christian religion that teaches that sex outside of marriage is sinful, so typically both parties would marry a virgin. Also, your partner should share your faith so you shouldn't marry someone outside of religion. Being a short-statured male (5'5 or 1,65m) I had no luck in local churches with the very few women being very vocal about how they fancy tall dudes, I was very discouraged. I decided to go online and international (this was early 2000s) - where I met my future wife, in Brazil! We talked for months, intensively and deeply. I visited her a few times. Then I managed to convince her family to let her spend a few months in Portugal (at a relatives house) so we could get to know each other better and for her to have a feel of the country. We got married in Brazil and moved to Portugal where we started our life together. Highlights of 12 years of marriage: - During our honeymoon, I was quick to find out we were totally out of sync sexually speaking. She didn't have much of a sexual drive nor curiosity to explore it. She identified herself as "asexual" at that time. - Back to Portugal she struggled to find a job and became depressed. I mean clinically depressed. This further reduced her motivation for job hunting. Eventually, things escalated to the point she became suicidal, and I remember desperately reaching for help in her behalf. Calling doctors and therapists, booking appointments just for her to say "no" and me calling back canceling everything. I have vivid memories of her being aggressive for the minimum inconvenience (not towards me but towards things) - like throwing stuff to the walls and ripping curtains apart. Eventually, she accepted medication. Didn't work. The medication was switched a few times. Nothing was working. Truly dark times! - During this difficult period my best friend (from the church, obviously) offered her a role at the company he was working for, she didn't even have to apply or anything. - With things getting better financially, we discovered our mutual love for travel and went to dozens of countries in just a few years. Us traveling and engaging in fun activities like kayaking, trekking, cycling in remote corners of the globe are the best memories I've got of my life (I'm crying now). Again, she was still depressed but she got better at hiding it - especially to outsiders. - Everything fell apart, one day when I was using the computer and accidentally found love emails being exchanged between her and that "best friend" of mine that offered her that job. I confronted her and him, and reported to the church to be treated at the religious court. She begged me for forgiveness, said she was depressed, said she loved me, couldn't live without me. There was a religious judgment that was very stressful but ultimately the decision was to forgive them (otherwise they'd be excomungated - religious family and friends would have to cut ties). I decided to give her another chance. We moved to another country, decided to leave this religion (I was having a crisis of faith), and start everything from scratch. - Leaving this religion (and all the judgemental ties and responsibilities) made wonders for her psychological health. She dropped the medication. Made new friends. Started a Uni course (which would be highly discouraged in the religion). I fully backed her on this. We continued to travel. She started to dance again, to sing again. Finally, that was the person I had married! Sex wasn't great and highly infrequent. But that didn't matter anymore. I started to really enjoy my time with her like never before! - 3 years later (present time), she finished her course. Found a great job immediately after. She started acting unusually cold and silent towards me. This weekend she announced she's leaving me. All of the sudden. Like that! No reasons given other than "I need to be alone" and "the decision is made". I said I like her a lot, and am willing to do anything for her. She said she wants to be friends and end things peacefully and I shouldn't insist. I checked the browser history for any evidences of an affair, but instead I found google searches on "tips to orgasm", etc. I think she's starting a process of sexual self-discovery and wants to exclude me from that. I invested so much emotionally speaking in this relationship. She's literally the only friend I got after leaving the religion in a new country. I am all alone and emotionally destroyed. I am trying to look strong and confident for her, but the truth is I cry a lot just by hearing songs on the radio that were special for us. She is sitting there, indifferent, pretending she's not noticing. Never imagined she could be that cold after 12 years of marriage... Edited January 7, 2019 by jaimepn Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 You sourced a virgin from Brazil and brought her to Portugal. She was never really attracted to you hence the little or no sex. She became very depressed, got a job with your "best friend" and cheers up. She loves travelling and provides you with duty sex in return... She has an affair with the best friend which you found out about and you move lock stock and barrel to a new country. She is loads happier and gets herself an education Minutes after she is done with the course and gets a job she becomes cold and silent towards you and announces she is leaving. She just used you to better herself. Now you have outlived your usefulness, she is gone... Sorry... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimepn Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 You sourced a virgin from Brazil and brought her to Portugal. Maybe it wasn't obvious in my original post, but she was a fellow believer, so it's more than likely she would have married virgin anyway. Stupid rules, but that's how it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimepn Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 She was never really attracted to you hence the little or no sex. She became very depressed, got a job with your "best friend" and cheers up. She loves travelling and provides you with duty sex in return... She has an affair with the best friend which you found out about and you move lock stock and barrel to a new country. She is loads happier and gets herself an education Minutes after she is done with the course and gets a job she becomes cold and silent towards you and announces she is leaving. She just used you to better herself. Now you have outlived your usefulness, she is gone... I agree that there's a chance she was "never really attracted" (*insert height issue here*), but she only showed that after the marriage, which would be mean and deceiving, to say the least. You just summarised a version that might be correct. If that is the case... 12 years... wow! Just wow! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 I agree that there's a chance she was "never really attracted" (*insert height issue here*), but she only showed that after the marriage, which would be mean and deceiving, to say the least. You just summarised a version that might be correct. If that is the case... 12 years... wow! Just wow! I know you had little choice as it is your religion but IMO virgins often end up as trouble. They grow up, they realise what they missed, and want to go find greener grass. Link to post Share on other sites
Geraltt Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Sounds like you and your good nature were used. It probably wasn't intentional in the beginning, but this woman looks as if she eventually saw you as a meal-ticket. And just because someone says they're religious means, well, nothing. Doesn't mean they're any more - or less - moral than anyone else, doesn't mean they won't lie (see Sarah Sanders), doesn't mean they won't have affairs. So, if nothing else positive comes out of this, you have freed yourself from the shackles of religion. And for that, I offer you my congratulations. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimepn Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 if nothing else positive comes out of this, you have freed yourself from the shackles of religion. And for that, I offer you my congratulations. - There's no such thing as "being free". I was raised there, grew up in that environment, couldn't make friends "in the world" (ie, outside of the religion, at school, etc), so I am a bit dysfunctional and working hard to improve. - I am alone and can't count on my family for this, they will quickly say that this is all happening "because I turned my back to god" and will give me a list of inspirational bible quotes as if that was a miracle solution to all my problems. - As soon as I start a new relationship "outside of marriage" (duhhh!) I will be immediately shunned and the entirety of my family will have to forget that I exist (because those are the rules and their faith is the most important thing they've got!). This will be the source of a lot of pain for all. It's been a few years since I stopped believing in that crap, but people like me are literally stuck inside that insanity for the sake of not losing contact with loved ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 You sourced a virgin from Brazil and brought her to Portugal. And to which I'll add "thereby marrying someone you barely knew". jaimepn, I'm afraid you set yourself up to be just a stop along the way. Think about it from her standpoint - why leave Brazil and wed a virtual stranger in a foreign country? She was obviously interested in bettering her life and situation and saw you as the means to do so. Once she feels she's transitioned, no more need for the arranged marriage and/or husband she didn't really want anyway. Sorry this happened to you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 - There's no such thing as "being free". I was raised there, grew up in that environment, couldn't make friends "in the world" (ie, outside of the religion, at school, etc), so I am a bit dysfunctional and working hard to improve. This is not even Christian-like (I'm a Christian). Jesus Himself hung out with beggars and thieves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimepn Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 why leave Brazil and wed a virtual stranger in a foreign country? I met her online - true. I went there 3x (total of 2 months). She then went to Portugal and we were togheter for almost 1 year. When we married we were not virtual strangers. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Maybe it wasn't obvious in my original post, but she was a fellow believer, so it's more than likely she would have married virgin anyway. Stupid rules, but that's how it is. Her depression was probably due to the restrictions of her religion and that has followed her and you all these years. If she had had the strength to just leave that situation, she would’ve been better off - and so would you. I’m sorry this has happened. I know it must really hurt. And not trying to make light of the situation but it sounds like she was a major pain in the ass to be married to and it seems you’re better off without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimepn Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 This is not even Christian-like (I'm a Christian). Jesus Himself hung out with beggars and thieves. Not that I care, but to give context: 1 Corinthians 5:11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[a] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. This text is well exploited by them (Jehovah's Witnesses), to include family members if necessary, and they will apply this rule even if you merely decide to leave the religion without committing any of those sins. I am becoming an activist against child indoctrination bcause of the damage rules like this can cause to an entire family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimepn Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 I’m sorry this has happened. I know it must really hurt. And not trying to make light of the situation but it sounds like she was a major pain in the ass to be married to and it seems you’re better off without her. Thanks. In the end I know I made real effort to make things work despite of all the problems. I am still making, still saying that I am willing to do anything to save the relationship. But now she's just "nah, I'm good, had enough!" Probably I should had done the same years ago but hey ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Thanks. In the end I know I made real effort to make things work despite of all the problems. I am still making, still saying that I am willing to do anything to save the relationship. But now she's just "nah, I'm good, had enough!" Probably I should had done the same years ago but hey ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ If you guys were JW’s, then it’s no wonder she wanted to kill herself. LOL. Seriously, I know first-hand about that religion and its control and conditional love of others, including family, is reprehensible. Russia has actually banned that religion because it’s so destructive to families. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 I met her online - true. I went there 3x (total of 2 months). She then went to Portugal and we were togheter for almost 1 year. When we married we were not virtual strangers. Here's what you wrote: I visited her a few times. Then I managed to convince her family to let her spend a few months in Portugal (at a relatives house) so we could get to know each other better and for her to have a feel of the country. At what point did you become engaged? You don't get to know someone well enough in a few months, especially from a different culture, to make a lifetime commitment - as you've found out the hard way. Shortcuts were taken, now you're paying the price. Lesson hopefully learned... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimepn Posted January 7, 2019 Author Share Posted January 7, 2019 Shortcuts were taken, now you're paying the price. Lesson hopefully learned... I agree with you. But these short term engagements are pretty common in the religion. People want to have sex you know... I think 12 years is remarkable for a marriage like this, with so many problems and lots of concessions. Good lessons (and memories) from this experience. I don't see it as a waste of time I am a better person now, no doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 Good lessons (and memories) from this experience. I don't see it as a waste of time I am a better person now, no doubt. I'm sure that's true. Understand that says more about you than it does about her. Time to start on the next, and hopefully more rewarding, chapter... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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