There's a difference between flaking and rescheduling, right?

[E-Squared]

So this past weekend, I was initially going to meet up with a woman whom I had been talking to online. At one point, she wanted to do a meetup where I would go and meet her with some other people at a bowling alley, but then I said that I would rather do a one-on-one meet first, because I think it's better to do that. We were going to try meeting this past weekend at a coffee shop, but the weather was rather bad. I tried to postpone it for the following day, but she said that not only did she have things to do, but also noted "If you don't want to link up, that's cool." I did suggest that she would give me her phone number to keep each other posted, but then she said that she doesn't give out her phone number like that, even when I had asked her to do it before, but we continued to talk.

 

Because we followed each other on Instagram (Well, I'm still following her, but I'll get to that), I noticed that she stopped following me and that on her latest post, she was clearly talking about me. I even talked to my mom, my aunt, and couple of friends about it. They believe that the person may have taken it the wrong way. It's not like I set something up multiple times and stood her up or backed out at the last minute. I may have changed my mind about meeting because of the weather conditions (It was rather stormy where I am), but something had told me that she may have been blown off by other guys before and I was added to the count, despite my intentions.

 

So do you think I flaked, or did she just take it the wrong way? A couple of my friends said that I could try talking to her soon and try again. One of them said that I could do that or I could just leave it alone.

[PRW]

Defining "flaking" really is not important here.

 

So this past weekend, I was initially going to meet up with a woman whom I had been talking to online.

 

Too much chit-chat online (or texting) before you get to the date, particularly a first date, often results in her losing interest. From now on, pass a few messages back a forth to get a little familiarity and then set a date,...3-5 days out. Then you go silent until the date. If she contacts you to verify before the date just say, Yep, I'll be there. Look forward to meeting you", don't spend a bunch of time chit-chatting again. Just be pleasant, friendly, and say "See ya there".

 

At one point, she wanted to do a meetup where I would go and meet her with some other people at a bowling alley, but then I said that I would rather do a one-on-one meet first, because I think it's better to do that.

You should always meet privately, but in a very public place with a lot of people so she feels safe. However, changing plans as you did makes you look indecisive and is a source of frustration and disappointment for her toward you.

 

We were going to try meeting this past weekend at a coffee shop, but the weather was rather bad. I tried to postpone it for the following day, but she said that not only did she have things to do, but also noted "If you don't want to link up, that's cool."

It just makes you look wishy-washy and as someone who is not determined to meet your goal,...that you back out of things easily.

 

I did suggest that she would give me her phone number to keep each other posted, but then she said that she doesn't give out her phone number like that, even when I had asked her to do it before

Welcome to Online Dating. I wouldn't expect her to give you her contact info when you haven't even met for the first time yet.

 

Because we followed each other on Instagram (Well, I'm still following her, but I'll get to that), I noticed that she stopped following me and that on her latest post,

Welcome to Online Dating again. Many women get messaged by way more guys than they could ever meet. It is practically an assembly line for the woman. You screwed around too much and didn't get the job done. She probably picked the next guy on the list.

 

So do you think I flaked, or did she just take it the wrong way? A couple of my friends said that I could try talking to her soon and try again. One of them said that I could do that or I could just leave it alone.

Forget it. Learn from it. Do better next time. If she gets interested again you will hear from her,...otherwise leave her alone or you will look like an Online Stalker.

[d0nnivain]

You did not flake. Due to weather you tried to reschedule. She had some seriously rigid rules about dating & concluded you were too much work.

 

Leave her be. She is not flexible or selfless enough to maintain a long term relationship.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Leave her be. She is not flexible or selfless enough to maintain a long term relationship.

 

 

 

I agree with this.

 

 

I've learned from my ex girlfriend that if she seems needlessly selfish early on then she will be this way x amount of time down the line - they don't change.

[Mr. Lucky]

I said that I would rather do a one-on-one meet first, because I think it's better to do that. We were going to try meeting this past weekend at a coffee shop, but the weather was rather bad. I tried to postpone it for the following day, but she said that not only did she have things to do, but also noted "If you don't want to link up, that's cool."

 

Is this a 500-year storm? Having lived in Michigan, not sure why "bad weather" keeps you from meeting her at a coffee shop. Were I her, I'd come to the same conclusion - "he's not really interested"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[E-Squared]

Is this a 500-year storm? Having lived in Michigan, not sure why "bad weather" keeps you from meeting her at a coffee shop. Were I her, I'd come to the same conclusion - "he's not really interested"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

To be fair, I TRIED to postpone it for the following day, but she said that she had things to do. Maybe it's because I've never lived in Michigan, but this storm consisted of heavy rain and heavy wind. Not really weather I would like to get out to.

[d0nnivain]

She took it as she wasn't worth the effort.

 

Just let it go. You live & learn. If you were all that into her, you would have braved the elements.

 

Still you didn't flake. You tried to reschedule.

 

this just wasn't a good match.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Sounds like she could be the sort of girl who is not comfortable having sex right away, and understands very well that the modern dating preference of meeting privately one-on-one is an effective tool for removing the barriers to casual/first date sex. She has rules in place to protect herself (from herself), and if you don't want to play by those rules, you probably won't get to play at all.

 

Insisting on being with friends the first time she meets a new guy who is most likely going to have the goal of getting her panties off as quickly as possible is very sensible of her. It's not unheard of for guys to "soft flake" for the purpose of convincing a girl to "just come over to my place." She possibly sees you as trying to get her alone and in a particular sort of situation, and most likely assumes you don't want to meet her friends because you have no interest in fitting into her life anywhere but between her legs. Whether that's true or not, that's how I'd see it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe it's because I've never lived in Michigan, but this storm consisted of heavy rain and heavy wind. Not really weather I would like to get out to.

 

Would you have stayed home from work? Missed the playoff game of your favorite team? If rain and wind are dealbreakers, there's parts of the country you'll be housebound six months a year.

 

If you were all that into her, you would have braved the elements.

 

Exactly. E-Squared, no crime committed. Just understand the cause and effect and move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ChatroomHero]

To be fair, I TRIED to postpone it for the following day, but she said that she had things to do. Maybe it's because I've never lived in Michigan, but this storm consisted of heavy rain and heavy wind. Not really weather I would like to get out to.

 

 

 

Yeah, I live in Michigan. I remember one date were I picked her up in a blizzard in about 6 inches of snow on the ground and like 15' of visibility, white knuckling it to her house. It took about 40 minutes to travel 8 miles to get to (back when you picked women up at their house), white knuckling it to the bar for another 1/2 hour and then white knuckling back to take her home after. I was interested, a volcano eruption probably wouldn't have stopped me. She asked if it was too bad to drive in when I called before the date and all calm and collected I said, naw, the roads aren't bad at all. When I got home I could have wrung the sweat out of my shirt from how nervous I was trying not to crash into a tree or slide into a ditch.

 

 

IMO it does sound like a really weak cancellation and if she has been ghosted or cancelled on, she probably has a one and done rule for someone she was NOT in 'love at first sight' with, especially with a weak reason for cancelling. She was probably low interest and just said, meh, next. Think of it from her perspective...if you had tickets to something or you had an old friend in from out of town that wanted to meet up with you at the same bar, or a friend that needed a ride from the airport, etc...you would have braved the weather. You know it and more importantly, SHE knows it.

 

 

That being said, you could reach out again but if it was me, I would have concrete plans with some kind of paid tickets ahead of time (and a friend as a backup plan). That way she would see you are financially committed to whatever the date is. Might be tough to find something, but you could pre-buy tickets to a movie, sporting event, whatever and tell her, "Hey, I have Knicks tickets for this Friday at 7pm. You should come with me". It would remove her fears about being cancelled on and show her you were serious. Otherwise it might be hard to get her to commit or trust you will come through.

[E-Squared]

Sounds like she could be the sort of girl who is not comfortable having sex right away, and understands very well that the modern dating preference of meeting privately one-on-one is an effective tool for removing the barriers to casual/first date sex. She has rules in place to protect herself (from herself), and if you don't want to play by those rules, you probably won't get to play at all.

 

Insisting on being with friends the first time she meets a new guy who is most likely going to have the goal of getting her panties off as quickly as possible is very sensible of her. It's not unheard of for guys to "soft flake" for the purpose of convincing a girl to "just come over to my place." She possibly sees you as trying to get her alone and in a particular sort of situation, and most likely assumes you don't want to meet her friends because you have no interest in fitting into her life anywhere but between her legs. Whether that's true or not, that's how I'd see it.

 

I have never heard of anything like that before. Of course, I wasn't expecting sex, but I guess that might be valid. I wasn't even asking her to come to my house. I was asking to meet at a coffee shop.

 

Yeah, I live in Michigan. I remember one date were I picked her up in a blizzard in about 6 inches of snow on the ground and like 15' of visibility, white knuckling it to her house. It took about 40 minutes to travel 8 miles to get to (back when you picked women up at their house), white knuckling it to the bar for another 1/2 hour and then white knuckling back to take her home after. I was interested, a volcano eruption probably wouldn't have stopped me. She asked if it was too bad to drive in when I called before the date and all calm and collected I said, naw, the roads aren't bad at all. When I got home I could have wrung the sweat out of my shirt from how nervous I was trying not to crash into a tree or slide into a ditch.

 

 

IMO it does sound like a really weak cancellation and if she has been ghosted or cancelled on, she probably has a one and done rule for someone she was NOT in 'love at first sight' with, especially with a weak reason for cancelling. She was probably low interest and just said, meh, next. Think of it from her perspective...if you had tickets to something or you had an old friend in from out of town that wanted to meet up with you at the same bar, or a friend that needed a ride from the airport, etc...you would have braved the weather. You know it and more importantly, SHE knows it.

 

 

That being said, you could reach out again but if it was me, I would have concrete plans with some kind of paid tickets ahead of time (and a friend as a backup plan). That way she would see you are financially committed to whatever the date is. Might be tough to find something, but you could pre-buy tickets to a movie, sporting event, whatever and tell her, "Hey, I have Knicks tickets for this Friday at 7pm. You should come with me". It would remove her fears about being cancelled on and show her you were serious. Otherwise it might be hard to get her to commit or trust you will come through.

 

Good points. I have also braved walking out in rain and stuff. I get what you guys were saying, but I had wanted to postpone the meet until the next day. It was not exactly a "flake" per se. I just wanted to do it soon after, but like I had noted, I have a feeling that she may have been stood up or blown off by other guys before and I was added to the list. I thought I was interested in her, but I guess I wasn't interested in her enough.

[Malin889]

To be fair, I TRIED to postpone it for the following day, but she said that she had things to do. Maybe it's because I've never lived in Michigan, but this storm consisted of heavy rain and heavy wind. Not really weather I would like to get out to.

 

No offense, but I would’ve felt like you were dissing me too. Heavy winds and rain isn’t a good enough reason to cancel...sorry!

[d0nnivain]

I disagree that the request to meet an OLD prospect in a group setting is reasonable behavior. Teens just learning how to date set up group events for moral support. To put yourself out there on OLD & then expect the prospect to be able to walk into your group of friends is selfish. It really puts the other person in a bad spot having to entertain a group.

 

If you want to date, you need to be mature enough to meet a prospect one on one. We are not talking about putting yourself in an unsafe situation. Meeting for coffee in a well lit coffee shop is a far cry from going to some stranger's house to Netflix & chill.

 

If you are the type of person who thinks every person you meet on the internet only wants NSA sex, get off the internet. Do not expect that other adults are going to accommodate your irrational social fears which prevent you from going on a date.

[E-Squared]

I disagree that the request to meet an OLD prospect in a group setting is reasonable behavior. Teens just learning how to date set up group events for moral support. To put yourself out there on OLD & then expect the prospect to be able to walk into your group of friends is selfish. It really puts the other person in a bad spot having to entertain a group.

 

If you want to date, you need to be mature enough to meet a prospect one on one. We are not talking about putting yourself in an unsafe situation. Meeting for coffee in a well lit coffee shop is a far cry from going to some stranger's house to Netflix & chill.

 

If you are the type of person who thinks every person you meet on the internet only wants NSA sex, get off the internet. Do not expect that other adults are going to accommodate your irrational social fears which prevent you from going on a date.

 

Thank you for this. This is exactly what I thought. I just wouldn't feel comfortable being in a group setting with other strangers. It would feel a bit awkward. Sure, I could deal with meeting someone's friends down the road, but at least I would know the prospect better than before.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I don't think it's unreasonable or wrong either way, personally. Just a matter of screening for who is compatible with your preferences. If a girl insists on having her friends there for the first date and that's not your style - well, there are plenty of other girls to choose from who have no such restrictions. I don't think it's fair to say that just because the first connection was made on the internet, then the first date should/must follow any particular formula. There are all sorts of people from all sorts of cultures and walks of life turning to the online dating scene simply because it's where so many of the singles are going by default these days.

 

Because online dating popularly skews to the casual/NSA side of things, lots of people seem to balk at the idea of anyone using it who has a more traditional/old fashioned approach to establishing relationships. I think that's silly. Just pass over anyone who has rules or restrictions you're not down with. The exception to that is if the person isn't upfront and lets you believe you'll be meeting one-on-one and then surprises you with friends or a chaperone. That's RUDE.

 

My inkling is that this girl was willing to compromise a bit, not paranoid or super strict or anything, just started getting uncomfortable at the progression of things:

 

Bowling with her friends - shot down right off the bat.

Coffee in a public place - not worth venturing into the wind/rain.

 

Now let me ask you: if she HAD invited you directly over to her place (thus the implication being that sex was a possibility), would you have still canceled because of the storm?

 

Maybe you would have. Maybe you're not the kind of guy who even WANTS to have sex on the first date. But she doesn't know that. What she knows (if she's even remotely attractive and has been in the online dating scene for any amount of time) is that there are tons of guys out there just trying to get as much casual sex as they can for the smallest possible time/energy investment. Your approach and reactions to various circumstances MAY have lumped you into that category in her mind.

 

I don't know; I'm not her. Just offering up one possibility from my perspective.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now let me ask you: if she HAD invited you directly over to her place (thus the implication being that sex was a possibility), would you have still canceled because of the storm?

 

Song plays in the background:

 

"But I would walk 500 miles, And I would walk 500 more..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gretchen12]

Yeah, I live in Michigan. I remember one date were I picked her up in a blizzard in about 6 inches of snow on the ground and like 15' of visibility, white knuckling it to her house. It took about 40 minutes to travel 8 miles to get to (back when you picked women up at their house), white knuckling it to the bar for another 1/2 hour and then white knuckling back to take her home after. I was interested, a volcano eruption probably wouldn't have stopped me. She asked if it was too bad to drive in when I called before the date and all calm and collected I said, naw, the roads aren't bad at all. When I got home I could have wrung the sweat out of my shirt from how nervous I was trying not to crash into a tree or slide into a ditch.

 

Whoa... ! that's what I call man. You can't fake that. Meanwhile the boys are posing, trying to be alpha, faking it and not making it.

[E-Squared]

I know I'm a few days late on this, but I did not try contacting her. Either I came to a realization that I wasn't interested in her enough, or that maybe she took it the wrong way when I tried to postpone our meeting. Hell, I talked with my two friends and they had said that it wouldn't be worth trying because I hadn't actually met her in person. Plus, like some of you had said, the initial suggestion about meeting up to go bowling with a couple of her friends, it probably would have put me in a bad spot because the girl who I was talking to was still a mystery to me.

 

So I just said "screw it."

[Joyce Simmons]

I think there is. Flaking is when there is no rescheduling at all.