Just now coping with divorce from 5 years ago?

[vla1120]

I apologize in advance for my verbosity. My story is out here in a number of places. I divorced my first husband of 32 years almost 5 years ago because of his cheating. The straw that broke that camel's back was him not being supportive of me during breast cancer treatment.

 

Then I went from the frying pan into the fire by marrying an abusive narcissist who has stage IV cancer. We married sooner than I would have because he needed healthcare benefits and I stayed much longer than anyone would have because I felt guilty about leaving someone in that position. My therapist worries that he is exhibiting some stalking behaviors and worries for my safety because of some of the comments he has made to me, so I have that issue to tackle. I did file a police report when he threatened to purchase a gun and shoot me if I did not announce myself when I came home after work. I moved out very shortly after that (as soon as I had my ducks in a row - and without telling him about until I was already gone.) He is here on a green card (sponsored by his son, and American citizen - I did not meet him until after his application for the green card was well under way.) He is petrified of law enforcement and having to go back to Greece, so I do not believe he will do anything to jeopardize being here in the U.S., where cancer treatment is MUCH better and end-of-life options are much more compassionate. Even though I was trying to stay involved somewhat, going out to dinner with him, just trying to offer friendly companionship to him so he is not completely alone, I did have to finally go totally NC in early December after he made a few inappropriate comments about loving his cancer because it is the only thing that has never abandoned him - and having nothing to lose in life. After I moved out, he also sent me a certified letter with a piece of junk mail inside just to let me know he knew exactly where I was living (which is why my therapist is concerned about my safety.)

 

Then, in October, my oldest and youngest daughters had a serious falling out about the youngest going out with a guy the oldest was dating. It was devastating to me because of how close the four of us have always been. Luckily, in mid-December, they started mending fences and have been speaking and working their way toward being the bonded sisters they have already been.

 

What I have really been dealing with are thoughts about our family before I divorced their father. I think I am looking at that time in my life through rose colored glasses. He made life very difficult for me (my first husband). I was always the main bread winner, working long hours when my daughters were young to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. He did not get serious about having and keeping a job until the last 10-12 years of our marriage. However, there were times we were happy. He was my best friend for much of my life even though he betrayed me in our marriage. He just wasn't a very good husband. If you asked him, I am sure he would say I was not a very good wife (I tend to be less affectionate than he was - not much PDA for me.) But looking back, I seem to be only remembering the good times - especially around the holidays. So now, I find myself yearning for those times, and having my family back together.

 

He's living with another woman. They are not married, but he met and moved in with her literally weeks after I had told him I wanted a divorce. (I said I wanted a divorce in August. He asked me to stay in the marital home until December to give him time to find another place and get his finances in shape. Instead, the first time he didn't come home one night in August, because he stayed the night at his girlfriend's place, I was waiting for him at the front door the next morning to tell him I was moving out as soon as my new apartment was available in two weeks. I gave him a nest egg of money to help him find housing for himself. He's been with this woman now for 5.5 years. He's almost left her a number of times because she has a drinking problem and is a mean drunk. I find myself hoping he leaves her and finds his way back to me.

 

Why? Am I afraid to be alone? I consider myself strong, independent, and somewhat of a loner. Did I not give myself enough time to get over a 32-year marriage before jumping into another dysfunctional marriage? Definitely yes. There was another post by Beachead that outlined some things I should be doing for self-care including journaling, goal-setting, activities for myself, exercise, etc. I've been journaling all my life, which is helpful. I was exercising, but had stopped. I know that will help when I get back to it. I took a second job to make myself more busy (and unavailable to my current husband.) The second job is taking its toll physically. I'm tired a lot of the time - and where I moved, I am almost an hour away from my gym where I exercise (and I still have about 4-5 months on that annual contract, so I'm angry at myself for wasting that money if I don't go 4-5 times per week.)

 

I feel like I am smart enough to know what I need to do. Since I am working two jobs (about 65-70 hours per week), clearly it's not a matter of motivation - or maybe it's only motivation related to taking care of MYSELF for once?

 

Add on top of all that, today my therapist texted me an article about not ignoring the signs of being stalked, and what measures to take to keep myself safe. Clearly, she thinks I am minimizing this threat to my safety. He is 6 feet tall and now weighs about 132 lbs. I don't know that he has the strength to be a threat to me and I don't believe he can buy a gun. That is why I filed a police report when he talked about buying a gun, because I wanted to make sure his name is red-flagged if he ever tries to - not that I know much about that, and he could always get one off the street if he were that determined, but I don't think he is. I always equate it to the end of "Silence of the Lambs" when Hannibal Lecter escapes. Someone asks Clarice Starling if she is worried he will come after her. She responds "No. That wouldn't be polite" or something to that affect.

 

I think I need to figure out how to turn off all these thoughts in my head. I believe I am overthinking and constantly evaluating and reevaluating how I got to where I am and what could I have done to prevent it. I need to learn to be comfortable in my skin in the moment and stop thinking about what was, what might have been, and how it all went wrong. Either way, it helped to finally write exactly what I have been thinking. Maybe that's the first step in addressing those thoughts.

[Nukem]

Hey, vla

I have also been dealing recently with nostalgic memories about my family.

We divorced 7 years ago, I wasn't the husband she expected me to be so she found OM. We were first to each other in everything, first kiss, first going out and so on.

I cope with those memories just by answering myself that that way was inevitable and we are better off separated.

 

I know that some day we could try again but I am ware it is a fiction, we would fail, it doesn't work that way.

[FMW]

I find myself hoping he leaves her and finds his way back to me.

 

It's easier to stick with what we know, what's familiar (even if it wasn't good), than to face the unknown and unfamiliar. You're emotionally exhausted and just want some comfort and ease. It's completely understandable and normal.

 

None of us want to accept it, but the truth is these things just take time. There's a lot to unpack and process.