I need some serious help with my insecurities

[confused83]

I don't want people to have a go at me on this post for being insecure as i know thats my issue. Im just going to say if anybody has any real solid links or advice please send them before i ruin my life.

 

I was cheated on in my 1st relationship and shoukd of grown Up by now. Yet since her ive now had 3 relationships. The past 3 have all been in the last 6 years. Heres the story:

 

Relationship 1 we had a house together and seemed happy. She started going out more, i accused her over silly things and she eventually left me.

 

Relationship 2 we where amazing together but everytime qe where apart or shed go out id get anxious. Eventually it happened again i accused her she eventually gave up and left

 

Now my most recent one she had an absolute heart of gold but just because she wasnt texting me a lot during the day... you guessed it, i got insecure, disnt accuse her of anything but she could see i was insecure. She tried her hardest for 3 months to reassure me and eventially gave up.

 

 

Now the pattern with all these was they're all lovely woman and hand on heart i feel they'd of never cheated on me in a million years so WHY ON EARTH AM I DOING THIS? im ruining my life. Im now 35 fgs and can't stop this same cycle. The Things i get insecire about are mostly stupid. For example my most recent girlfriend her friends joked about visiting a nightclub where you can also watch people have sex, i got insecure and me and my now ex argued. She said they where joking... they clearly where ao why the hell did i fight her over it. The next was she kept mentioning a guy at work, i git insecure. The pattern kept coming.

 

The horrible thing is i knew in my head and heart if id taken a step back for just 5 minutes id of reassured myself as i knew she wasnt a bad person so why WHY do i say somethjng??? The moment i let on im insecure i then get worse thinking ill lose them and the cycle repeats itself over and over.

 

Im fed up of losing good partners. All 3 have had similar endings where they've wished me all the luck in the world, said im a lovely man and are just sorry they can't stay...

 

 

I need help.

Edited January 7, 2019 by confused83

[MetallicHue]

I would definitely suggest seeking someone to discuss you’re insecurities with. You are going to keep having these issues unless you get some professional help. I’ve had some bad experiences with friends and have been very cautious to start new friendships with people. So I can somewhat relate. Also it sounds like you have low self esteem inherently thinking you’re not good enough for these people and they’ll runoff with someone else. You have to try and tell yourself you’re not a bad person and you deserve to be happy. I’m sorry that someone cheated on you but all it means was that person wasn’t the right fit for you. Not that you aren’t the right fit for someone else. Come with a positive attitude, try and get yourself some help and try to look at yourself in a different light and hopefully this will help point you in the right direction.

[confused83]

Whats strange is i know im a catch when im single, i know im good looking, all my exes are beautiful, im funny, outgoing, the lot. Then the moment i fall in love with someone i change into someone who just alwaya thinks theyll leave.

 

Thats what i dont get. My most recent ex hasnt had a relationship or sex for 2 years so she obviously was waiting for someone. She fell in love with me so i clearly got a lot right so i cant understand why i then question it. Why would i not just be laid back, smile and think 'she isnt going anywhere she took years to find me she wint leave' nothing else matters.

[Garcon1986]

Think of this analogy -

 

Even something that appears as permanent as the sun will burn out in 5 billion years, burn the Earth to a cinder, and become a small, pale white dwarf. Even something as beautiful as a dolphin will one day be no longer. Even something as fragrant as a tall cedar will one day fall down and be victim to a paper mill. All things in life are not permanent. We all face the permanent nature of being temporary. The same applies to human relationships - hence the greater urgency of finding something beautiful and holding it dear.

 

I suggest daily mental discipline and telling yourself - even the best things in life are only temporary. Hold on to them dearly with wisdom and with kindness, and be so grateful to those things, when they come. Daily - mandatory mental discipline.

[basil67]

Hi Confused, I don't know if this will help - I used to get all anxious about my husband doing perfectly reasonable things. I could mostly hold my tongue, but it was a miserable time for me. Anyway, I went on antidepressants for depression and a side effect was that it cleared up my anxiety.

 

Just a thought.

[confused83]

Ive also been advised to keep busy. I dont know why but i start out with hobbies then as i fall for someome i stop doing all the things i love and focus solely on them.

 

I know every mistake im making but i do it anyway and that's pribably again insecurity that ill lose them if i dont show them everyday how i feel. I need to work on my self esteem.

[Million.to.1]

I would suggest some self reflection, meditation and self esteem boosting work.

 

You seem to have a "mind" understanding of why you do this, and why it's destructive, so it's more about finding ways of not letting it influence your behaviour.

 

The thing is, you can't actually control this stuff. If someone is going to cheat on you, leave you, whatever, you can't control it. You have to start nurturing trust and love rather than fear when you are in the relationship. Why focus on the worst that "could" happen when there is no reason to?

You need to foster that self assurance in the relationship that you are more to your partner than attraction. Accept that EVERYONE will be attracted to others when in a relationship. It doesn't mean they will act on that. You seem threatened by any GF doing anything that could undermine the relationship and 99% of the time, it wont.

When i was in a LTR, it was nice to flirt or whatever with people.. it's a nice confidence boost, it's harmless really. But never for one second would I have done anything to risk the love and relationship i had with my partner. We had SOOOO much more than just a sexual attraction.

 

You need to do self work to trust and KNOW that you are not in danger when harmless flirting or whatever happens.

and even if you are... you can't control it happening anyway. Fear is controlling you and you will lose good things and people by letting it rule you.

[Wallysbears]

See a doctor about anxiety.

[confused83]

I would suggest some self reflection, meditation and self esteem boosting work.

 

You seem to have a "mind" understanding of why you do this, and why it's destructive, so it's more about finding ways of not letting it influence your behaviour.

 

The thing is, you can't actually control this stuff. If someone is going to cheat on you, leave you, whatever, you can't control it. You have to start nurturing trust and love rather than fear when you are in the relationship. Why focus on the worst that "could" happen when there is no reason to?

You need to foster that self assurance in the relationship that you are more to your partner than attraction. Accept that EVERYONE will be attracted to others when in a relationship. It doesn't mean they will act on that. You seem threatened by any GF doing anything that could undermine the relationship and 99% of the time, it wont.

When i was in a LTR, it was nice to flirt or whatever with people.. it's a nice confidence boost, it's harmless really. But never for one second would I have done anything to risk the love and relationship i had with my partner. We had SOOOO much more than just a sexual attraction.

 

You need to do self work to trust and KNOW that you are not in danger when harmless flirting or whatever happens.

and even if you are... you can't control it happening anyway. Fear is controlling you and you will lose good things and people by letting it rule you.

 

Thank you. Im going to start exercising and everything else again to boost my self esteem and next time just stop myself giving up my hobbies

[GinON]

Get some therapy for sure, get them to help you dig into the issue and hopefully help you find the cause of this fairly specific trigger of love. Kinda sounds like an attachment issue. I am new at studying this stuff, so feel free to toss my ideas aside!

 

Probably, you will find out you are an anxious attachment style and have a fear of abandonment where you need a lot of reassurance. You can work towards a secure attachment by addressing the specific fears you have while working on a general sense of self worth.

 

 

Your fears and anxiety are so strong and you become so needy that you put your self worth in your partners hands, which is what turns them off. They are losing their freedom and begin to feel trapped because you are asking them to take on the role of your reassuring parent. We tend to model our love relationships after our parents and if they did some abandoning or hurting in our early childhood we tend to mimic them unintentionally.

 

I would start with telling yourself frequently that you are amazing and people you love are loyal to you. You are worthy of loyal love and that you deserve to be with someone that is faithful. Come up with other affirmations and say them in the mirror many times per day. Keep it up for months. Work towards long and short term goals.

[Melrose78]

@Confused I once was the same. I destroyed many relationships as well as dated people totally wrong for me. (And 1 marriage) Until I took the time to understand why.

 

Most of it stemmed from my childhood. I was super shy and found it hard to retain friends. My parents gave bith my brothers much more guidance and attention and I think at times I felt unloved, ugly, stupid and so forth.

 

It took counseling and self evaluation to realise this.

Until you understand why you are destructive, the pattern will never end.

[some_username1]

I would advise you to re-read the opening post of your recent thread about your most recent partner prioritising her friends over you, pretend it was written by a friend and then ask yourself what advice you would give to that friend.

 

If you don't have much self confidence or value yourself and know what you want from a relationship then that gut feeling that tells you that something isn't right/that person is not suited for you can be interpreted as a feeling of insecurity. That you should just accept what doesn't feel right and go with the flow. You need to learn to distinguish between the two.

 

Also with regard to your most recent partner you are talking about curing insecurity as a way of making yourself adapt to a person that was not treating you as a priority. Imo you should not be looking to adapt because you are changing yourself to settle for a situation that you would ultimately not be happy with. You should have the strength to be prepared to walk away and find someone who treats you in the manner you wish to be treated. If you find such a person who treats you in such a way and you still find yourself anxious THEN you need to start looking at insecurity. I am sure even the most secure people in a committed relationship of more than a few months would not accept their partner constantly choosing to configure their free time around their friends whilst not affording that partner the same courtesy. It just smacks of low interest.

 

So whilst there may be insecurity in previous relationships with regard to your most recent one you should be careful of throwing the baby out with the bath water and blaming her low interest on yourself.

[d0nnivain]

Change your self talk in your head. Get that little voice to give you positive uplifting messages.

 

Do try therapy. Give prayer & religion a shot. Mindfulness & Mediation can also help. As will exercise.

 

At minimum do two things:

 

1. Make a list of all your good qualities. All of them from the profound to the mundane. Just write, & write & write, Free think. Do this for at least 1 hour. When you are done ask people like your parents to list your good qualities & add them to your list. Put your list away for a week or two. Pull it back out & re-read it. Pair it down to 10 of your best qualities & re-write it neatly. Paste it somewhere like your bathroom mirror & read it every morning & every night until you believe it.

 

2. Start a gratitude journal. Every morning write down 3 things you are grateful for. Again they can be profound or mundane. Try not to repeat too often but I confess in winter my down comforter makes the list a lot. Re-read that once per week. When you see all the good stuff in your life, you will feel less anxious.

[brent878]

I don't want people to have a go at me on this post for being insecure as i know thats my issue. Im just going to say if anybody has any real solid links or advice please send them before i ruin my life.

 

I was cheated on in my 1st relationship and shoukd of grown Up by now. Yet since her ive now had 3 relationships. The past 3 have all been in the last 6 years. Heres the story:

 

Relationship 1 we had a house together and seemed happy. She started going out more, i accused her over silly things and she eventually left me.

 

Relationship 2 we where amazing together but everytime qe where apart or shed go out id get anxious. Eventually it happened again i accused her she eventually gave up and left

 

Now my most recent one she had an absolute heart of gold but just because she wasnt texting me a lot during the day... you guessed it, i got insecure, disnt accuse her of anything but she could see i was insecure. She tried her hardest for 3 months to reassure me and eventially gave up.

 

 

Now the pattern with all these was they're all lovely woman and hand on heart i feel they'd of never cheated on me in a million years so WHY ON EARTH AM I DOING THIS? im ruining my life. Im now 35 fgs and can't stop this same cycle. The Things i get insecire about are mostly stupid. For example my most recent girlfriend her friends joked about visiting a nightclub where you can also watch people have sex, i got insecure and me and my now ex argued. She said they where joking... they clearly where ao why the hell did i fight her over it. The next was she kept mentioning a guy at work, i git insecure. The pattern kept coming.

 

The horrible thing is i knew in my head and heart if id taken a step back for just 5 minutes id of reassured myself as i knew she wasnt a bad person so why WHY do i say somethjng??? The moment i let on im insecure i then get worse thinking ill lose them and the cycle repeats itself over and over.

 

Im fed up of losing good partners. All 3 have had similar endings where they've wished me all the luck in the world, said im a lovely man and are just sorry they can't stay...

 

 

I need help.

 

My god you sound exactly like me. Except, only in certain situations. I have been in relationships on the other side of this, where I am constantly having to reassure, and I have been in relationships where the behaviour of my partner has triggered massive anxiety and insecurity to the point that I act like someone I don't even recognize.

 

We both have introspection and recognize what we do to sabotage these things. I think it's about finding a partner who doesn't do things to trigger your anxiety. Some of the stuff you mention, I wouldn't be okay with either. But some other more laid back people might.

 

When I love, I love intensely, and people who enter into relationships with me where I am clearly a tertiary or quaternary priority do not mesh with me. I need people who have at least some degree of anxiety as well. Not a ton, but enough that I feel wanted. No one wants to be in a relationship where they feel like an option.

 

So I sort of agree with the poster who said unless you're really out of control, I'm not sure that you should be less anxious for the sole purpose of keeping around women who treat you poorly. Is an unsatisfying relationship that valuable? Being with someone who appears to love you less than you love them is an awful, awful feeling. Convincing yourself to be okay with that is not doing anyone any favours.

[confused83]

There is some interesting replies and weirdly weve been broken up about a week and i already feel like we are better apart. I do get insecure but also i know i hate upsetting people so have stayed in the wrong relationship before just so not to upset them.

 

I have beeb thinking was it insecurity or me causing issues purposley so it would end as i knew i wasnt happy. Although neither is right or mature of me

[preraph]

You are totally creating what you fear worst due to your insecurity and you need more help than we can give you. You need therapy to get to the root of your insecurity -- it likely goes back further than women -- to childhood and the way you patterned yourself and the way you cope. Get in therapy with a psychologist and see if it helps any.

 

Also, self-discipline is mandatory. You have the power to not act on your insecure impulses if you'd just believe it. But you also deserve to know a bit about why you're like this and understand it more.

 

Just always remember, you cannot monitor anyone enough to prevent them from cheating if that is what they are going to do -- so it's all wasted and unwanted and irrational behavior and effort, and that is how the victim of it perceives it too. So you have to work on this.

[Goldenheart]

Wow we have a lot in common. I get the same way, stop hanging out with friends stop enjoying my hobbies. Kind of blowing small stuff out of proportion. I think it’s a level of anxiety. Idk if we need therapy but I totally feel you on wishing you could just take a minute to breathe and think before getting upset. What I’m trying to do now is lower my stress levels with exercise like you, eat better so my mind is always clear, and always spend a few minutes by myself to just calm down.

 

Like you said you know you’re a catch. I don’t think it’s your self esteem it’s just high stress or something. Strangest thing I was just reading on it last night. When you google the word stress the first hit is Anxiety

[brent878]

I highly recommend my tactic of just putting your phone away during cycles of insecurity. These days, smartphones get us in so much trouble that fuels insecurity. I find it a major trigger.

 

A lack of a reply to a text, a text that you read into too much, a social media post, feeling like you're chasing someone, etc. It can be sort of an addiction if validation from your partner fuels your self esteem and if that doesn't come in a timely or sufficient manner, you can spiral.

 

I am literally leaving my phone at home these days when I go to work. It allows for an entire day to clear my head and do other things without hoping or wishing to hear from my partner and allows me to break the cycle of needing that validation. It also conveys to your partner that you aren't always available or going to blow up their phone. It forces you to focus on work or other hobbies. Give it a try the next time you're with someone and feel inadequate for a period of time and see if it helps?

 

You do need to caveat it with occasionally still letting your partner know you care. A text here and there to say I love you or thinking of you etc is necessary to maintain a bond and attraction, but that's it.

[brent878]

You are totally creating what you fear worst due to your insecurity and you need more help than we can give you. You need therapy to get to the root of your insecurity -- it likely goes back further than women -- to childhood and the way you patterned yourself and the way you cope. Get in therapy with a psychologist and see if it helps any.

 

Also, self-discipline is mandatory. You have the power to not act on your insecure impulses if you'd just believe it. But you also deserve to know a bit about why you're like this and understand it more.

 

Just always remember, you cannot monitor anyone enough to prevent them from cheating if that is what they are going to do -- so it's all wasted and unwanted and irrational behavior and effort, and that is how the victim of it perceives it too. So you have to work on this.

 

This is also so true but it is really hard to break even if you know this is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I was in a relationship with an ex who was so insecure and constantly worried about our relationship ending despite her being beautiful and whatnot. She constantly sent me these long, diatribe texts about how she was feeling and it pushed me away so hard. If she had just relaxed and pursued her own life and been normal, I'd have been far more into it.

 

Then in the reverse, when I am with a colder, harder to read woman, I am the one doing the chasing and feeling insecure. The dynamic will totally flip. I am trying to remind myself how it feels to be on the receiving end of this stuff. It can be so smothering, and the truth is yes, the only thing keeping someone in a relationship is their desire to be in the relationship. And desire is not fueled by insecurity.

 

I do have to say though it's not always the worst thing to admit to your partner that you are self aware and have insecurity. I have done this in my current relationship and despite all these idiots who say it's "beta" and whatnot, it was actually very well-received. If you're insecure and can't admit it or don't see it - that's a death knell. But admitting to your partner that you have vulnerabilities and shortcomings is often helpful. If they're a mature adult, they'll get it. And if they don't, bail, because that person is not a life-long partner.

[Jamess1]

Own your insecurity or jealous, whatever you call it...I have seen the same woman immediately break up with an abusive man and the same woman enduring the same abuse with a different man..same abuse, same woman, different reactions...

 

I can give a woman a complement that if another guy makes she will get angry - I can do things with and to women that they would react different with to another man.

 

I haven't you met women who stayed with extremely and unreasonably jealous men, and yet they stay with him...if you are jealous be jealous,own it, don't be apologetic about it, speak your mind and don't give a ****, and never apologize..and the things you mentioned are not even a big deal, and are not stupid, and you responded correctly - if she talks about a club where she can see other people have seks, she wants too and if she talks about another guy, I will tell her to go fuuck him (...trust me, I say worse)...

 

What you are saying and how u responding isn't wrong, but maybe your attitude is... own it, be an alpha, don't be apologetic or care if she stays or not, and you will see a different reaction

[brent878]

Own your insecurity or jealous, whatever you call it...I have seen the same woman immediately break up with an abusive man and the same woman enduring the same abuse with a different man..same abuse, same woman, different reactions...

 

I can give a woman a complement that if another guy makes she will get angry - I can do things with and to women that they would react different with to another man.

 

I haven't you met women who stayed with extremely and unreasonably jealous men, and yet they stay with him...if you are jealous be jealous,own it, don't be apologetic about it, speak your mind and don't give a ****, and never apologize..and the things you mentioned are not even a big deal, and are not stupid, and you responded correctly - if she talks about a club where she can see other people have seks, she wants too and if she talks about another guy, I will tell her to go fuuck him (...trust me, I say worse)...

 

What you are saying and how u responding isn't wrong, but maybe your attitude is... own it, be an alpha, don't be apologetic or care if she stays or not, and you will see a different reaction

 

I highly recommend you not follow this advice. Being insecure and jealous, not apologizing, and trying to control her is absolutely the worst thing you can do.

[avriltreize]

I don't want people to have a go at me on this post for being insecure as i know thats my issue. Im just going to say if anybody has any real solid links or advice please send them before i ruin my life.

 

I was cheated on in my 1st relationship and shoukd of grown Up by now. Yet since her ive now had 3 relationships. The past 3 have all been in the last 6 years. Heres the story:

 

Relationship 1 we had a house together and seemed happy. She started going out more, i accused her over silly things and she eventually left me.

 

Relationship 2 we where amazing together but everytime qe where apart or shed go out id get anxious. Eventually it happened again i accused her she eventually gave up and left

 

Now my most recent one she had an absolute heart of gold but just because she wasnt texting me a lot during the day... you guessed it, i got insecure, disnt accuse her of anything but she could see i was insecure. She tried her hardest for 3 months to reassure me and eventially gave up.

 

 

Now the pattern with all these was they're all lovely woman and hand on heart i feel they'd of never cheated on me in a million years so WHY ON EARTH AM I DOING THIS? im ruining my life. Im now 35 fgs and can't stop this same cycle. The Things i get insecire about are mostly stupid. For example my most recent girlfriend her friends joked about visiting a nightclub where you can also watch people have sex, i got insecure and me and my now ex argued. She said they where joking... they clearly where ao why the hell did i fight her over it. The next was she kept mentioning a guy at work, i git insecure. The pattern kept coming.

 

The horrible thing is i knew in my head and heart if id taken a step back for just 5 minutes id of reassured myself as i knew she wasnt a bad person so why WHY do i say somethjng??? The moment i let on im insecure i then get worse thinking ill lose them and the cycle repeats itself over and over.

 

Im fed up of losing good partners. All 3 have had similar endings where they've wished me all the luck in the world, said im a lovely man and are just sorry they can't stay...

 

 

I need help.

 

 

So I think I can relate a little. And, this sounds lame, but you just have to meet the right girl. I met a guy who was just like you. We met at work and became friends. We weren't even dating yet and he would ask me about any guy I mentioned if I had been with him or would I ever want to be with him. I figured he was starting to become interested in me and was just trying to make sure there wasn't any competition.

 

After we started dating though he would freak out when I did things that didn't involve him. He would ask how long I'd be and text when that time I gave him was up. If I said I was going to the gym and be done in 90mins he would call me in 90mins, It was sweet at first but then it was overwhelming.

 

So I had a talk with him (maybe 3 months in ) and he told me about his insecurities. Just like you, been with a cheater and got burnt really bad. I told him, trust takes time and only you can decide whether or not it's there. There are no guidelines or rules to follow, you just feel it.

 

Over time though our love grew more and more and though he still would ask and wonder it didn't seem to bother him as much when I didn't text him back right away or I didn't answer the phone. Or even when I went out for a drink with my old boss to catch up.

 

His worrying and 'trust' issues seemed to subside because what we had together was bigger than that. We were together for over 2yrs and split up over our future plans. We're best friends now.

[brent878]

So I think I can relate a little. And, this sounds lame, but you just have to meet the right girl. I met a guy who was just like you. We met at work and became friends. We weren't even dating yet and he would ask me about any guy I mentioned if I had been with him or would I ever want to be with him. I figured he was starting to become interested in me and was just trying to make sure there wasn't any competition.

 

After we started dating though he would freak out when I did things that didn't involve him. He would ask how long I'd be and text when that time I gave him was up. If I said I was going to the gym and be done in 90mins he would call me in 90mins, It was sweet at first but then it was overwhelming.

 

So I had a talk with him (maybe 3 months in ) and he told me about his insecurities. Just like you, been with a cheater and got burnt really bad. I told him, trust takes time and only you can decide whether or not it's there. There are no guidelines or rules to follow, you just feel it.

 

Over time though our love grew more and more and though he still would ask and wonder it didn't seem to bother him as much when I didn't text him back right away or I didn't answer the phone. Or even when I went out for a drink with my old boss to catch up.

 

His worrying and 'trust' issues seemed to subside because what we had together was bigger than that. We were together for over 2yrs and split up over our future plans. We're best friends now.

 

You're the type of girl every guy would be lucky to have. You sound very understanding.

 

Yes, there is no question that as a relationship grows, partners become more secure with each other.

[Rayce]

I was in a relationship with an ex who was so insecure and constantly worried about our relationship ending despite her being beautiful and whatnot. She constantly sent me these long, diatribe texts about how she was feeling and it pushed me away so hard. If she had just relaxed and pursued her own life and been normal, I'd have been far more into it.

 

I am curiosity… because I am guilty of "over sharing" with others and really want to work on not doing that. Sometimes I think it's a safe place and even if the other person says it ok...really it's not. Did you mention to her that these long, diatribe (I had to look up) text messages were pushing you away? tks

[brent878]

I am curiosity… because I am guilty of "over sharing" with others and really want to work on not doing that. Sometimes I think it's a safe place and even if the other person says it ok...really it's not. Did you mention to her that these long, diatribe (I had to look up) text messages were pushing you away? tks

 

Yes, I did. For years. She would get on her phone and I wouldn't be able to get a word in. Same thing on the phone. Just talking a mile a minute. It became exhausting.

 

In fairness, my behaviour perpetuated her actions. I was distant. I was into someone else.

 

In a healthy relationship, you should feel 100% safe sending texts as long as you like to your partner sharing your feelings. Especially if theyre just positive feelings. "I love you, I'm proud of you, I can't wait to see you, etc etc". If they're long messages that are insulting or attacking or anxiety-fueled etc no one wants to read that and texting is not the place to do it anyway.

 

The people I am interested in now could send as many texts as they want and it wouldn't bother me at all. I'd be happy to talk to them. If anything I wish I heard from them more haha. I'm the one sending long texts now!