Need a divorce but worry about kids

[traditional]

I am married for 15 years but together for 21 with my wife, this is since high school. We seemingly managed to overcome most troubles even big ones. I however always had problems related to her daughter from her teenage pregnancy and her family and endured what I now realize was emotional abuse. I must say I also am not entirely innocent as I got a child out of wedlock. I told her and she said she accepted but would be difficult to forgive, I offered her to divorce at the time and leave her everything, but she said that we stay. I really did not have a relationship with other lady per say but at the time I felt very tired and hurt, my wife told me to subject or submit myself under her daughter when I went to talk to her about the long running issues of disrespect and disregard that I endure by her daughter and other family that were constantly around and that really drove me away from her.

 

We have carried on however, now for our entire life together, I have provided for her and when kids came along I remained sole provider for everything including households. This is because she was a bit weak with academics and could not get a "good" job, she also never ever wanted wage work like restaurants waiter, domestic work etc. which I understood.

 

She worked as a lower rank community health volunteer for a while and got an opportunity to upgrade to a lower rank nurse. This was what I also prayed for because I was and am burdened under huge financial stress providing for everything for my family, I never asked her to contribute anything from her wages which were minimum.

 

I got a loan for her to go upgrade-which was a two year course out of town, I took on additional responsibility to carry just everything on my shoulders for the duration of her studies. She finished and started working, but did not move a finger to contribute a cent. I so to say confronted her and she agreed under very heavy protest to cover basics like food, electricity and water bills. What she reasoned was that "those things are my responsibility", It was an eye opener at her capability on logic or common sense seeing life is expensive, and the roles of old that man alone is breadwinner or provides everything is redundant. Not very long after she however took out a loan of $150 000, she only informed me after she did, she spend about $40 000 around the house for show, the rest I do not know where she took. expectedly she is unable to cover the expenses she agreed to and subsequently blames me. Now she wants me to pay for everything again and even took me to maintenance court, I am extremely frightened about her logic and unreasonable expectation, but she manages to do these things by pure acting and smear campaign. Before court I called her and asked what is going on, because since I worked out of town now, and do not have a cent to travel etc, I had to loan money and it would be a problem at the end of month, she said she does not have anything to talk about, and we meet in court.

 

I provided my expenses at court and the prosecutor said that I make a counter claim since I cover 95% of living and all other household expenses for all of us, which I refused because by implication it would draw the kids in, the case was dropped, after two weeks she called me and asked that we continue with our life and "love", that life is short etc. I was amazed at her guts but I just said ok ok. I am exhausted because her behaviour closely resembles narcissism-I am not a psychologist and cannot make that diagnosis, but from what I read and hear and see her behaviour-she fits the profile and now that I realize it has always been the case, seeing most times she provoked things and I ended up being the perpetrator, I always in the middle of fights that I do not know how or who started. She plays very good victim and is heartless.

 

I cannot ask her about the money, or why she does not buy food and other utilities for house and kids or anything which is her shared responsibility. Usually if I talk to her about any issue, it quickly turns into a full huge loud thing and it traumatises the kids so I stopped approaching her because it pains me how the kids are drawn in and must suffer. I am however so frustrated and went to talk to her, all she said was that I speak a bit softer as if I was shouting, which is a tactic of setting me up to be starting a fight. I just walked out. I hear from people that she has bought a house or plot to build in another town, I do not know if she bought it in her sister's name or hers.

 

I feel that I need a divorce, but it numbs me to have to go through the brutal war seeing her narcissistic tendencies, also concerned about the kids, for a while I was afraid to loose everything, but now I feel, I do not care to loose everything even if I get out with the shirt and pants and face cloth.

[GinON]

Its a little hard to follow, the pronouns and the number of "she's" has me confused but you need a good lawyer and maybe a 2nd job but it sounds like she is living somewhere else? Is there another man?

 

Is she just running you over and you have no way to stick up for yourself? It sounds like you have gotten in the habit of not standing up for yourself and let her run you over. You need a plan, and you need to consider some sort of 180 Alpha male tactic that doesnt involve shouting. You need leverage and you can;t get anywhere without a serious long term plan.

 

Good luck mate.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really did not have a relationship with other lady per say but at the time I felt very tired and hurt, my wife told me to subject or submit myself under her daughter when I went to talk to her about the long running issues of disrespect and disregard that I endure by her daughter and other family that were constantly around and that really drove me away from her.

 

Just one of the many times you present yourself as a victim, as though your wife is somehow responsible for your choice to cheat and the resulting pregnancy. You can't win because your wife is a narcissist, you can't argue because it pains the kids and you can't ask her to share expenses because she'll push back. You didn't, you can't, you won't...

 

traditional, no way to make progress until you feel responsible for your own outcomes. Unless you're empowered to take the credit and/or blame for the choices you make, you'll always be under her thumb and at her beck and call.

 

So the first question is simply this - what do you want to happen?

 

Mr. Lucky

[traditional]

Yes it is true that I struggle to make definite decisions about things that count. I lived in fear most of the time, first I was frustrated by the way things were, and when I went and got a child, I felt guilty, but I never feel or want to seem the victim, I just wanted to live a life after all, usually the way we could carry on or live and overcome things is when and only if I admit guilt for everything that happens, but then I remain with the hurt and stress. It is not that I am without fault but I needed things to be fair. I am trying to be open about the extramarital boy but its difficult because my wife tells me ok let us handle it together, then next moment that she does not want to see or hear anything about a vagabond child. I do not have a romantic relationship with the mother, but she contacts me from time to time to ask for things or give information on him.

 

 

I feel I cannot be dishonest about the situation or try to entirely blame wife for everything if I need a reasonable outcome or help to get over this. I am tired of fights and unending strive. It is however the case that most of the trouble especially the current situation is her cause, she is extremely vindictive. That is exactly what numbs me. I feel ready to loose everything and continue pay alimony or whatever the arrangement is at court as long as I can get out of this alive and well and know that kids live some kind of life wherever they are placed.