7 months torture without closure

[Senorheartbreak]

Hi. Sorry if this is a bit long. And thank you for reading. I needed some help making sense of what happened to me last year i have included a tl;dr at the bottom if its too long.

 

I (28m) was in a 2.5 year relationship with my boyfriend (29m). We have been broken up for 7 months. We generally had a good relationship although it was intense we really did love each other. There were some arguments that would escalate. But as time went on i feel we got better at minimising them to once every 3-4 months.

 

We broke up twice before. Once for a month, due to his family issues and the second time for a few days as he no longer knew what he wanted.

 

During the first breakup he quit his job because things had gotten hard for him there. I begged and pleaded during this breakup and we got back together and thats when he told me about his family finding out about us and his sexuality and they werent happy. I tried to support him emotionally and financially during this time as much as i could.

 

We had an amazing time together after this. However The second time it was similar and abrupt. He said he couldnt do it anymore. Ill admit it was my first relationship and i asked to be friends with him, he agreed but a few hours later he wanted to be back together. I asked to be friends until he figured it out but he wanted back in and a few days later we reconciled.

 

We were both going through a lot and we supported each other. The end goal was to move out to another city together to start a new life. I was planning to once my finances were healthier.

 

At the beginning of last year he surprised me with a holiday, something we both had spoke about on a few occasions. I was ecstatic. He hadnt booked it but he had some money spare he was saving that he put with a booking agency. Things were generally good with a few arguments here and there. However by the end of April nothing had materialised due to me not knowing what dates to book off from work as the travel agent was away himself. So i decided to book the holoday myself for 2 months time, i put it on my credit card.

 

My partner had hinted at what i thought was a proposal whilst we would be away by telling me to bring some nice formal clothes, but i brushed it off as something we shouldnt do at that moment as secretly i was planning on doing the same for him. In the next few weeks time i had a ring custom designed and was in the process of getting it engraved.

 

We were 6 weeks off from going away at this point and things were great and we were excited. I invited him and my best friend to mine for a meal and was speaking to him on the phone whilst i was shopping for groceries that afternoon. Things were great and we had a good chat. In the evening my partner came over, however he was a bit cold and distant with me. I asked a few times if things were fine and he said yes. He said he had a great evening and left.

 

The next morning i got a long text from him saying he doesnt love me or anything or anyone anymore and he has a lot going on in his life and is confused and suicidal. This was the first time he said this to me. This was followed by the usual, loving, morning text. I was confused and we spoke on the phone where he was upset and crying. I drove down to see him and took him for some food. He said he didnt know what he wanted but it wasnt to break up.

 

We talked for a week where he went from loving to cold and back and it left me confused so i reciprocated the mood he was in. That weekend we were due at my friends for a meal on the weekend. We barely spoke and on the way back he ended things for good.

 

He got in touch the next night as he was struggling and we spoke for a week, less and less each day. I didnt tell him i was planning to propose. But i thought the holiday could help us both, he said he was unsure. I did however find it strange that 3 weeks prior to him saying he doesnt love me we booked the trip with him sat next to me. This sudden change made no sense. But i tried to be there for him as support and asked my friends to be there for him too.

 

I took him some goodies a week later due him having a family event. He agreed to meet and i asked again if he would come. He said he would let me know. His eyes became teary as he said goodbye and left the car and i didnt hear from him until i chased him again for an answer the following week. He said no to coming away with me and wished me luck, saying he didnt know what the future held and that he was taking time to himself but he was happy to check up on one another.

 

I went away on my own obviously upset. All the time thinking he would change his mind and turn up. I had an okay time. But what was meant to be a romantic holiday and proposal was now just something to get my mind off him. It didnt work. He blocked me on snapchat a few days into my holiday and a few friends told me he posted a snap saying 'tbh i dont even care '. This hurt but i left it and tried to make the best of my time abroad.

 

I came back at the end of June and i know it was wrong to do so but i felt sad he didnt come and i bought the same things for him that i bought myself on the holiday. I left them in his backyard as he was out to which he thanked me when he saw them and said i shouldnt have. I left it short as i didnt know what to say and that it was probably the best time to go NC.

 

I went NC at this point for a month during which time he posted some not so nice things on instagram such as hes now single and gods got someone better in store for him. In August he blocked me on instagram and facebook. I panicked and messaged him to be friends in my mind thinking we could reconcile this way. He said he would let me know.

 

A few weeks later it was my birthday he messaged to wish me and said he hit rock bottom and i said i was here if he wanted to talk. He said no and he was happy dealing with it on his own.

 

I heard nothing for 2 months and in October i messaged again, i asked if it was okay to message. He said yes. With regards to friendship at this point he said he didnt want to make any effort with me so we couldnt be friends and he started to tear apart the relationship. I felt like he was clutching at straws and tried to steer away from arguing with him. He said to move on with my life and said he wouldnt put a time limit on being friends and that the money he owed me would be given back (to be honest i dont even want it, i have worked hard to make back many times more). He finally said we could check up on one another and i said i would speak to him in a few weeks.

 

The next morning i was blocked on whatsapp. I was distraught. I also found his dating profile where he was looking for fun. It nearly killed me. All the things he said to me about his family finding out and not knowing what to do but he was okay casually sleeping around.

 

Its the last i heard from him but he still messages my best friend but i dont ask and he hasnt once asked about me. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up in the next few days. Whilst i have done a lot for myself in the last 7 months (i have become financially secure. Got two pay rises at work. Made amazing friends, look good and get complimented a lot. Started dance classes) i still feel an enormous void. I never would tell him i was about to propose, it makes no difference now. But i havent been able to move on. I have no closure about how someone who was head over heels with me could treat me so savagely.

 

I get offers for dates and casual sex but i havent been able to be with anyone since my ex nor am i interested in meeting anyone. Im struggling so much that i have been referred to a clinical psychologist to help resolve the mental health issues this has left me with. Its scary that dont know how much longer this will go on in my mind. I think i am coping by trying to find solace in the fact that he is probably happy now as this is what he wanted. But i obviously struggle with how i was treated. Worst of all is i dont even hate him even though i want to and as much as i deny it i know im just waiting for him.

 

Thank you for reading. Anyones insight will be much appreciated. How can someone change so suddenly when they say they love you so much. Why say you are okay to talk and keep each other in our lives and then block me. It all seems so forced. Do you think he is being honest? I havent had a single apology through all of this or closure. Dont know what is the best way to move forward. Any advice?

 

Tl;dr: love of my life left me abruptly after we planned a holiday together and moving out. I brought a ring to propose. He broke up with me suddenly. His attitude towards me has completely changed and i am now blocked everywhere. I dont even know what i did or why it happened.

Edited January 8, 2019 by Senorheartbreak

[brent878]

Hi. Sorry if this is a bit long. And thank you for reading. I needed some help making sense of what happened to me last year i have included a tl;dr at the bottom if its too long.

 

I (28m) was in a 2.5 year relationship with my boyfriend (29m). We have been broken up for 7 months. We generally had a good relationship although it was intense we really did love each other. There were some arguments that would escalate. But as time went on i feel we got better at minimising them to once every 3-4 months.

 

We broke up twice before. Once for a month, due to his family issues and the second time for a few days as he no longer knew what he wanted.

 

During the first breakup he quit his job because things had gotten hard for him there. I begged and pleaded during this breakup and we got back together and thats when he told me about his family finding out about us and his sexuality and they werent happy. I tried to support him emotionally and financially during this time as much as i could.

 

We had an amazing time together after this. However The second time it was similar and abrupt. He said he couldnt do it anymore. Ill admit it was my first relationship and i asked to be friends with him, he agreed but a few hours later he wanted to be back together. I asked to be friends until he figured it out but he wanted back in and a few days later we reconciled.

 

We were both going through a lot and we supported each other. The end goal was to move out to another city together to start a new life. I was planning to once my finances were healthier.

 

At the beginning of last year he surprised me with a holiday, something we both had spoke about on a few occasions. I was ecstatic. He hadnt booked it but he had some money spare he was saving that he put with a booking agency. Things were generally good with a few arguments here and there. However by the end of April nothing had materialised due to me not knowing what dates to book off from work as the travel agent was away himself. So i decided to book the holoday myself for 2 months time, i put it on my credit card.

 

My partner had hinted at what i thought was a proposal whilst we would be away by telling me to bring some nice formal clothes, but i brushed it off as something we shouldnt do at that moment as secretly i was planning on doing the same for him. In the next few weeks time i had a ring custom designed and was in the process of getting it engraved.

 

We were 6 weeks off from going away at this point and things were great and we were excited. I invited him and my best friend to mine for a meal and was speaking to him on the phone whilst i was shopping for groceries that afternoon. Things were great and we had a good chat. In the evening my partner came over, however he was a bit cold and distant with me. I asked a few times if things were fine and he said yes. He said he had a great evening and left.

 

The next morning i got a long text from him saying he doesnt love me or anything or anyone anymore and he has a lot going on in his life and is confused and suicidal. This was the first time he said this to me. This was followed by the usual, loving, morning text. I was confused and we spoke on the phone where he was upset and crying. I drove down to see him and took him for some food. He said he didnt know what he wanted but it wasnt to break up.

 

We talked for a week where he went from loving to cold and back and it left me confused so i reciprocated the mood he was in. That weekend we were due at my friends for a meal on the weekend. We barely spoke and on the way back he ended things for good.

 

He got in touch the next night as he was struggling and we spoke for a week, less and less each day. I didnt tell him i was planning to propose. But i thought the holiday could help us both, he said he was unsure. I did however find it strange that 3 weeks prior to him saying he doesnt love me we booked the trip with him sat next to me. This sudden change made no sense. But i tried to be there for him as support and asked my friends to be there for him too.

 

I took him some goodies a week later due him having a family event. He agreed to meet and i asked again if he would come. He said he would let me know. His eyes became teary as he said goodbye and left the car and i didnt hear from him until i chased him again for an answer the following week. He said no to coming away with me and wished me luck, saying he didnt know what the future held and that he was taking time to himself but he was happy to check up on one another.

 

I went away on my own obviously upset. All the time thinking he would change his mind and turn up. I had an okay time. But what was meant to be a romantic holiday and proposal was now just something to get my mind off him. It didnt work. He blocked me on snapchat a few days into my holiday and a few friends told me he posted a snap saying 'tbh i dont even care ��'. This hurt but i left it and tried to make the best of my time abroad.

 

I came back at the end of June and i know it was wrong to do so but i felt sad he didnt come and i bought the same things for him that i bought myself on the holiday. I left them in his backyard as he was out to which he thanked me when he saw them and said i shouldnt have. I left it short as i didnt know what to say and that it was probably the best time to go NC.

 

I went NC at this point for a month during which time he posted some not so nice things on instagram such as hes now single and gods got someone better in store for him. In August he blocked me on instagram and facebook. I panicked and messaged him to be friends in my mind thinking we could reconcile this way. He said he would let me know.

 

A few weeks later it was my birthday he messaged to wish me and said he hit rock bottom and i said i was here if he wanted to talk. He said no and he was happy dealing with it on his own.

 

I heard nothing for 2 months and in October i messaged again, i asked if it was okay to message. He said yes. With regards to friendship at this point he said he didnt want to make any effort with me so we couldnt be friends and he started to tear apart the relationship. I felt like he was clutching at straws and tried to steer away from arguing with him. He said to move on with my life and said he wouldnt put a time limit on being friends and that the money he owed me would be given back (to be honest i dont even want it, i have worked hard to make back many times more). He finally said we could check up on one another and i said i would speak to him in a few weeks.

 

The next morning i was blocked on whatsapp. I was distraught. I also found his dating profile where he was looking for fun. It nearly killed me. All the things he said to me about his family finding out and not knowing what to do but he was okay casually sleeping around.

 

Its the last i heard from him but he still messages my best friend but i dont ask and he hasnt once asked about me. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up in the next few days. Whilst i have done a lot for myself in the last 7 months (i have become financially secure. Got two pay rises at work. Made amazing friends, look good and get complimented a lot. Started dance classes) i still feel an enormous void. I never would tell him i was about to propose, it makes no difference now. But i havent been able to move on. I have no closure about how someone who was head over heels with me could treat me so savagely.

 

I get offers for dates and casual sex but i havent been able to be with anyone since my ex nor am i interested in meeting anyone. Im struggling so much that i have been referred to a clinical psychologist to help resolve the mental health issues this has left me with. Its scary that dont know how much longer this will go on in my mind. I think i am coping by trying to find solace in the fact that he is probably happy now as this is what he wanted. But i obviously struggle with how i was treated. Worst of all is i dont even hate him even though i want to and as much as i deny it i know im just waiting for him.

 

Thank you for reading. Anyones insight will be much appreciated. How can someone change so suddenly when they say they love you so much. Why say you are okay to talk and keep each other in our lives and then block me. It all seems so forced. Do you think he is being honest? I havent had a single apology through all of this or closure. Dont know what is the best way to move forward. Any advice?

 

Tl;dr: love of my life left me abruptly after we planned a holiday together and moving out. I brought a ring to propose. He broke up with me suddenly. His attitude towards me has completely changed and i am now blocked everywhere. I dont even know what i did or why it happened.

 

My heart breaks for you and I have been in this situation more times than I can count.

 

Isn't it always that people say one thing and do another? How easy it is for someone to say they love you and want to be with you, only to turn around and kick you completely out of their life with what seems like total apathy and ambivalence.

 

It sounds like you are a really good person and are just heartbroken. It sounds like this person wasn't ready for a commitment despite what they told you. Never trust anyone. It just leads to heartbreak.

 

I am somewhat jaded so my advice might not be helpful but the only thing that helps in these situations is time, not speaking, and meeting new people. Those three things combined will cure it.

 

Things that will prevent progress: rumination, hope, being alone, and continued contact.

 

I wish you the best and hope you find new love.

[Senorheartbreak]

My heart breaks for you and I have been in this situation more times than I can count.

 

Isn't it always that people say one thing and do another? How easy it is for someone to say they love you and want to be with you, only to turn around and kick you completely out of their life with what seems like total apathy and ambivalence.

 

It sounds like you are a really good person and are just heartbroken. It sounds like this person wasn't ready for a commitment despite what they told you. Never trust anyone. It just leads to heartbreak.

 

I am somewhat jaded so my advice might not be helpful but the only thing that helps in these situations is time, not speaking, and meeting new people. Those three things combined will cure it.

 

Things that will prevent progress: rumination, hope, being alone, and continued contact.

 

I wish you the best and hope you find new love.

 

Thank you for your kind words and advice.

 

This is the problem, i think why im struggling to move forward is the way in which i was discarded after i gave so much. I dont blame him if he wanted to end it. But the way in which it was done is what hurts the most. If the reasons fit his action i would be better equiped to move forward. But it seems with everything that happened i am left with more questions then answers.

 

I have spoken to friends who are completely baffled by his actions when they knew how much we cared for each other. I asked them all to be there for him should he need help, but they clearly didnt mean much to him either.

 

I am trying to move forward. We obviously havent been in any contact and i did feel like i was doing well until the last two weeks where it just came back round and hit me full force. I think the rumination and hope is what im trying to give up on. But its hard when your heart betrays your mind.

 

Its wierd when you think you know someone and spend every day seeing/speaking to them, only for it to be a mask and the person behind it is a complete stranger. How do people not feel guilt because of it?

[brent878]

Thank you for your kind words and advice.

 

This is the problem, i think why im struggling to move forward is the way in which i was discarded after i gave so much. I dont blame him if he wanted to end it. But the way in which it was done is what hurts the most. If the reasons fit his action i would be better equiped to move forward. But it seems with everything that happened i am left with more questions then answers.

 

I have spoken to friends who are completely baffled by his actions when they knew how much we cared for each other. I asked them all to be there for him should he need help, but they clearly didnt mean much to him either.

 

I am trying to move forward. We obviously havent been in any contact and i did feel like i was doing well until the last two weeks where it just came back round and hit me full force. I think the rumination and hope is what im trying to give up on. But its hard when your heart betrays your mind.

 

Its wierd when you think you know someone and spend every day seeing/speaking to them, only for it to be a mask and the person behind it is a complete stranger. How do people not feel guilt because of it?

 

It's the weirdest thing to not speak to someone with whom you previously shared everything. I totally get that.

 

But let me try to frame this another way for you: you say the way in which you were discarded is what hurts the most. In fact, I would say this makes it easier. I was once dumped by someone who, despite elegantly dumping me and being very sweet, continued to be there for me and listen to my crying and wipe my tears and show me love and compassion. All that did was make me realize what a fantastic person I was losing. It made it worse. Not because it gave me more hope, but because it showed me I was losing someone who despite all of their reasons for wanting to leave, was still there for me. THAT was worse than being dumped by a cold, callous jerk.

 

So take it as a testament to true character. We all get disillusioned in relationships. People look out for themselves and they put on a show. They are there when it is convenient. It's time to prioritize yourself: Stop giving so much. Take the energy you'd have given to him, and give it to yourself. Because at the end of the day, you're the only one who will always be there for you.

[Senorheartbreak]

It's the weirdest thing to not speak to someone with whom you previously shared everything. I totally get that.

 

But let me try to frame this another way for you: you say the way in which you were discarded is what hurts the most. In fact, I would say this makes it easier. I was once dumped by someone who, despite elegantly dumping me and being very sweet, continued to be there for me and listen to my crying and wipe my tears and show me love and compassion. All that did was make me realize what a fantastic person I was losing. It made it worse. Not because it gave me more hope, but because it showed me I was losing someone who despite all of their reasons for wanting to leave, was still there for me. THAT was worse than being dumped by a cold, callous jerk.

 

So take it as a testament to true character. We all get disillusioned in relationships. People look out for themselves and they put on a show. They are there when it is convenient. It's time to prioritize yourself: Stop giving so much. Take the energy you'd have given to him, and give it to yourself. Because at the end of the day, you're the only one who will always be there for you.

 

That makes sense. So by being cold maybe its a good thing to help me move forward. I do sometimes believe he's doing me a favour because of this. But then im a hopeless romantic and probably read between the lines too much. It just sucks massively to have to go through it all.

 

That is true. I have been focusing on me but theres a huge void he left. I guess that will take time to fill and im hoping therapy will help me a lot too. Though the last time i did it it was a temporary fix.

[d0nnivain]

It's really tough when your 1st break up comes as an adult. It's easier to learn to manage heartbreak when it's puppy love.

 

He was a mixed up person. Coming out to his family & not having them fully accept him had to be painful. I'm sure that messed him up.

 

In that space with you wanting to deepen the relationship it was too much pressure.

 

The idea of never being in contact again with somebody so important to you is unfathomable. Hence, people say hollow things like let's be friends. That never works in the short term because the dumpee always wants more & they continue to feel the longing. Plus neither sides new SOs want the EXs hanging around.

 

You have to accept the fact that it's truly over, he's not coming back & it's time for you to move on. Perhaps dove into work, fix the finances & then you can relocate for a truly fresh start.

 

Hang in there. Most people don't end up with their 1st love.

[Senorheartbreak]

It's really tough when your 1st break up comes as an adult. It's easier to learn to manage heartbreak when it's puppy love.

 

He was a mixed up person. Coming out to his family & not having them fully accept him had to be painful. I'm sure that messed him up.

 

In that space with you wanting to deepen the relationship it was too much pressure.

 

The idea of never being in contact again with somebody so important to you is unfathomable. Hence, people say hollow things like let's be friends. That never works in the short term because the dumpee always wants more & they continue to feel the longing. Plus neither sides new SOs want the EXs hanging around.

 

You have to accept the fact that it's truly over, he's not coming back & it's time for you to move on. Perhaps dove into work, fix the finances & then you can relocate for a truly fresh start.

 

Hang in there. Most people don't end up with their 1st love.

 

Thank you for your kind words and advice.

 

I completely understand the pressure he must be under. I dont have a problem with the breakup itself. It was whats best for him. Its the way hes gone about things. But i guess this is better than stringing me along.

 

I hadnt ever pressure much for anything just that we were happy. It was he who asked for more and i provided where i could and worked towards providing more. E.g. more contact, living in a far city, going abroad together. He pushed and i accepted even though my finances where a shambles so we could live this together. This is why its painful because he complained about progression when i last spoke to him. But when i was able to provide it he chose to walk.

 

I will continue to work on myself like i have been and maybe focus more and giving myself that love. The thought of the future without him scares the crap out of me.

[d0nnivain]

I will continue to work on myself like i have been and maybe focus more and giving myself that love. The thought of the future without him scares the crap out of me.

 

It shouldn't

 

Think about what you have learned from this:

 

* you are capable of falling in love / you love deeply as risky as that can feel

 

* you know who you are even in the face of pressure

 

* you are capable of achieving financial goals

 

* you are self aware

 

*you have friends

 

* you have compassion

 

All in all you have the tools to be OK It is scary. When I ended a 10 year living together relationship in my mid 30s I didn't know what to do with myself or how to behave. I figured it out.

 

You will be OK. Hang in there.