Another Failed Marriage

[NoGrripes]

Hello all! I stumbled onto this forum a couple of weeks ago and decided to post. I'm not really looking for advice as I know what I need to do, it is more about connecting with people who understand. I'm "stuck" in a marriage that has really resulted in 17 years worth of regret.

 

I'm on the home stretch as my youngest child is a Junior in High School and I plan to file for divorce as soon as he graduates high school. I have such a void due to the lack of any sort of personal relationship that conversations with strangers are more interesting than conversations with my wife. We basically try not to speak as it seems like the best way to avoid arguments. We don't see eye to eye on anything, she is a financial black hole, and in many ways more like a child than a partner.

 

I've busted my ass to provide a good life for my family and I know that divorce is going to tear everything apart. At the same time, I can't live the rest of my life like this. I've recently had a "chat" conversation with a person who sent me a text by mistake. It really shined light on the fact that I need to connect with someone who can relate.

 

Anyway, I know that many of you are going through much more difficult times than me and I can see that most in this forum are supportive and try to offer good advice. I look forward to participating and hopefully helping others.

Edited January 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Welcome .

[FMW]

My advice - If you get to the point where you are tempted to get involved with someone else, then move forward with divorcing - don't wait for your daughter to graduate. Two or three years is a really long time to be be vulnerable to connecting with someone else.

[BaileyB]

If you think your child doesn't know that you are putting in time, waiting for her to graduate then I think you are misguided.

 

Children of divorce will say, they would rather have two healthy and happy parents who live separately than grow up in an unhappy home environment with two parents who make each other miserable.

 

I understand that you think you are doing what is best for the child, perhaps you should reconsider.

 

I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but welcome.

[The Dude Abides]

Hello, and welcome

 

I agree with Bailey and don’t think staying together is the correct thing to do just for the kids’ sake . The thing that you and your wife should make every effort to do is go through this process without acrimony, meanness, and any unpleasantness that will affect the kids.

 

You deserve to be happy, and just imagine how much your outlook on life will improve once you are not suffering every day.

[Mr. Lucky]

I look forward to participating and hopefully helping others.

 

I always wonder, as a member of the forum, what advice you'd give yourself? If you read NoGrripes post, bitter, angry and resentful, what would you tell him?

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

I know you said you are not out here for advice, but have you tried marriage counseling? In my personal opinion, I don't like to see the towel thrown in until a valiant attempt has been made by both spouses to fulfill their vows and save the marriage. If one spouse is unwilling to put in the effort, then I understand.

 

Does your wife have any inkling of your plan? I wondered with your comment that a divorce will "tear everything apart", did you mean in general, or is she unaware of your plan and will be blindsided? I agree with others that if you are intent on divorcing, then don't drag it out any longer than necessary. Hopefully, in the best interest of everyone - but especially your son - you can make the divorce as amicable as possible.

[Blind-Sided]

No advice... just empathy.

 

 

In one way, I'm in the same situation... and in one way, I'm on the other side.

 

 

My wife came to me a few months ago saying she was done and really didn't want to fix things, and there hasn't been love in a very long time. I had NO idea since we didn't fight, and I was still feeling the love. But since you two are avoiding talking because of arguments... I'm assuming that she knows.

 

 

 

 

The other side is... I want it to work, if for nothing else... for the kids. (mine are still young) But I keep thinking... will I be miserable? Will the kids suffer if there is fighting? Will it just be years of heartache?

 

 

I keep thinking I know what needs done... but it's hard since I really still love her and my family.

 

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[MetallicHue]

As a kid my parents split when I was 15. The tension in the house was atrocious since I was 5. I’d be happy to get those 10 years back. I can’t speak for your own personal situation but if you really don’t want to work it out the sooner the better to move on with your life.

[standtall]

OP, based on your original post info, I have no advice, or empathy.

 

Sorry, marriage is hard work at times and requires effort. get into couples counseling, honor the oath you swore in front of G**, friends, and family, honor the contract you signed with witnesses....otherwise YOU failed.

Edited January 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NoGrripes]

I appreciate the feedback. I've obviously left many variables out of the equation that led me to this point. I'll just address a couple of the comments, though I appreciate all of them.

 

I've offered counseling many times and for many years. There is no interest in making things better from my wife. As for divorce now, in my case it is best for my son to hold off. Yes, he knows how things are and I'm sure he wishes that things could be different. I believe that this is best given the circumstances, which I'm probably not going to to share here.

 

I'm not looking for empathy in any way. I have lived up to my vowes and I will continue to do so. . I have strong family values and I'm dedicated to the end. I'll only say that you can't help someone who isn't willing to help themself.

 

 

Thanks again!

Edited January 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator