Emotional setbacks over a year later. Holy repression, Batman.

[RedRecluse]

Hey there. To be honest, I've never used one of these forums before and I feel a little silly asking for help from strangers. But reading all your posts made me feel not so alone and crazypants.

 

Long story short, I'm backsliding. Badly. My partner (34m) of seven years and I (32f) broke up about thirteen months ago. I ended it with him after he confessed to cheating on me a year previously. I was so furious because that last year had been a hard one in which the business we ran together was stressful. I felt like I was the only one trying to make everything work and here he was keeping such a big secret for fear of ruining us. Which it did, because trust is everything.

 

So I told him to leave. And he did. He left our work, our home, moved out to the countryside and somehow landed his dream job. I, being the stoic lady that I am, was pretty calm throughout the whole thing. Like, scary calm. We kept in contact, were both civil and supportive and things felt... okay. I managed. No freak-outs, minimal bad decisions, lost some weight, all good. We were determined to keep our friendship of nearly a decade intact. To be honest, we were a bit co-dependant.

 

Things progressed. I went on a few dates, a few hook-ups, mild crushes, nothing serious. He remained single. I was so proud of how perfectly and reasonably I was handling everything. No Jerry Springer moments, or bitter sniping. I thought I'd moved on after the first year. He seemed to be struggling with it, but I kept my distance emotionally. I honestly thought I was better off.

 

A few months ago, I sold my business to try and pursue dreams I'd had for years. I had more free time, no more 55+hr workweeks. But with free time came... thoughts. Feelings. I was missing him, crap! And so I initiated NC, trying to kill it dead. But that actually made it worse! For the last month, I've been more weepy and emotional and just awful than in the entire time before that. I stare at my phone like a sap. I write bad poetry. I wake up in the middle of the night and ugly cry.

 

I spoke with him at Xmas. He is dating someone new. He spent the holiday with her family. And now I feel like I'm dying. Actually physical pain and depression so bad I can't sleep. I want my best friend back. I want to go back to three years ago and figure out what the hell happened. I can't seem to stop my racing mind, wondering why he didn't fight for us, why he ran away so easily, why why why. And here I am, technically jobless, although stable, and wondering what the rest of my life is supposed to look like.

 

I thought I was stronger than this, but I guess I was wrong.

 

 

What happened? How do I make it stop? Somebody help a girl out here. Give me a digital slap to the face, because this weak, sniffling person just isn't who I thought I was.

 

So, real questions: Can I ask him for a post-mortem? Do I really want him back or is it something else? How do you deal with delayed break-up reactions when your ex has probably already gone through it and is over you?

 

 

God, this sucks.

[d0nnivain]

<slap> . . . hey you asked for it.

 

The holidays make people sentimental. You reached out & the final nail in the coffin pierced your heart. That sucks but now you know there is no going back. You don't actually want him back & he doesn't have the words to give you a post mortem.

 

You are feeling unsteady because you have decided to rearrange your life in favor a grand adventure. As positive as that is, it's still scary because it's not familiar. You are out of a any comfort zone.

 

So reorganize your thinking. You now know the only road is forward so focus on your new adventure. Make a plan. Dive into this next chapter with gusto. What are you doing in place of your business? Start there & give it everything you've got.

[brent878]

Holidays are the worst. I had a breakdown too.

 

Breakups can make even the best of us go from wildly successful, high functioning and social butterflies into a shadow of our former selves.

 

I'd put my phone away for a while. Accept the middle of the night tears. Don't fight whatever you're feeling, just get it all out. It could be your stoic demeaner and subduing the thoughts around the breakup are just coming out now.

 

But dude. Seriously. He cheated on you. That says it all. What's a post mortem going to achieve? Just because you feel alone right now doesn't make him any less of a scumbag.

[RedRecluse]

Holidays are the worst. I had a breakdown too.

 

But dude. Seriously. He cheated on you. That says it all. What's a post mortem going to achieve? Just because you feel alone right now doesn't make him any less of a scumbag.

 

 

 

 

Wow, I just realized that no one in my life has called him a scumbag. I didn't go through the phase where my friends and family raged against him because I never appeared to need it. He... he is a scumbag, isn't he?

 

 

 

****. My aloofness kind of let him off the hook, eh? Double ****.

 

 

 

Thanks for that, brent. I needed it.

[RedRecluse]

<slap> . . . hey you asked for it.

 

The holidays make people sentimental. You reached out & the final nail in the coffin pierced your heart. That sucks but now you know there is no going back. You don't actually want him back & he doesn't have the words to give you a post mortem.

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, slaps are needed! Thanks. I swear, the holidays are going to kill me.

 

 

He doesn't have the words for it. Yeah, that's probably true. He is not an emotionally intelligent person.

 

 

Thanks for the very visceral metaphor. Nail to the heart indeed.

[brent878]

Wow, I just realized that no one in my life has called him a scumbag. I didn't go through the phase where my friends and family raged against him because I never appeared to need it. He... he is a scumbag, isn't he?

 

 

 

****. My aloofness kind of let him off the hook, eh? Double ****.

 

 

 

Thanks for that, brent. I needed it.

 

Happy to help. If you told me you were pining after a guy who was hot, supported you, had a great job, tons of money, wanted a family, was affectionate, smart, funny, maybe, MAYBE I could see the justification.

 

But your description. Woof. Find a real man, please. Anything is better than a cheater. Literally. Anything. (well maybe not a drug addict/alcoholic/criminal)

[Charlierose30]

Hi Redrecluse, Brent is right, this guy is a jerk for cheating on you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you may not have processed the break up completely until you started no contact, and that’s why it’s hitting you so hard now.

I totally understand everything you’re going through. I want my best friend back too, I would give anything just to turn back the clock. It’s so hard, please know that you’re not the only one going through this. Sometimes I literally have to focus on one day at a time, otherwise it gets overwhelming.

You deserve someone who would never cheat on you. Remember that. He’s the one missing out here.

Edited January 10, 2019 by Charlierose30