Not sure if I want a long-distance relationship..

[Lenmi]

Hey!

 

I'll try to keep this as short as I can.. I met a guy while I was travelling and we had this great connection. We fell for eachother and decided to meet up again a bunch of times for half a year. It was truly amazing, I never understood I could feel so strongly for a person. Then a few months ago he ended it (we were never really a couple though), and didn't give me a good reason because he was so confused. Though at the time he told me he didn't love me anymore and he was over me, later he told me this is what he was trying to tell himself because he didn't have hope we could make it with the long distance. So we stopped talking and now we started talking again a bit, with him telling me he still has feelings for me and has been hurting too the past month.

 

There is still the issue of the distance, the fact that our feelings have faded and we don't feel in love anymore but there are still feelings there. We miss eachother and we dream of being together. This summer I decided I wanted to study where he lives, so it gave both of us hope we could be together.. but this is 5 months away from now.. and I'm afraid our feelings will have faded even more by then. Sure we could meet once or twice until then, but the fact remains that we will often be far apart rather than together. Something we both don't want because it is so hurtful and we need the physical aspect.

 

So I'm not sure what to do.. what to decide. Part of me thinks: you have never felt this way before with anyone, why are you letting him go?.. and part of me thinks: There will be many more guys, you don't have time to feel bad about this (studies) and you don't want to be in a long distance relationship, get out now.

And.. Even after the summer ends, we would go back to being in long distance, or have to end it (and it will hurt even more than it did now). We can't be together in same place for atleast 1-1,5 years. So maybe it's better to let go now when we are both not feeling as strongly anymore?

 

I really don't know what is the better choice, what is right for me, for him..

[hippychick3]

End it now. He probably found someone else when he ended it and when that didn’t work out, he came back to you. Don’t settle for someone who is settling for you. Long distance is HARD. I’ve been doing it for 5 years. But we are successful at it because the relationship has consistently grown stronger since the beginning, and we are both very much in love with each other. There is no way this could work if we were not.

 

Move on and find someone local who loves you enough to never turn their back on you.

[d0nnivain]

The allure of a far away love . . . it's the stuff movies are made of. Everything was magical at the time but it's not sustainable. Ending it now & he'll always be that fantasy . . .the one who got away. It will be a beautiful memory. It's too delicate to become real.

[Rockett]

There are good reasons for both options you have in front of you- if you pursue the long-distance relationship, it will play out to it's conclusion (whether that's a longer relationship, or ending up where things ended before). If you don't pursue the relationship, you'd presumably have more time for your studies, but, I think you would wonder what could've been.

When I was a student, I chose option A of trying to see the long-distance relationship through. It didn't work out, but it was still worth it. I don't wonder "what if."

 

However, you're also right that focusing on a long-shot relationship (especially with someone who doesn't sound super reliable) will detract from your studies. The question is whether you will be ok with walking away.

Can I suggest option 3? Continue to talk to him, build a friendship with him, and then see where things are when you go this summer. Do not spend any more money going to visit before then. If it's a relationship that will go the distance, then five months is not insurmountable. If you do this, you won't have to choose "no contact cold turkey" vs "fully invested in risky long-distance relationship." By the time the summer rolls around, you may have your answer about what you want with him. Things will be a lot clearer then.

[Lenmi]

The allure of a far away love . . . it's the stuff movies are made of. Everything was magical at the time but it's not sustainable. Ending it now & he'll always be that fantasy . . .the one who got away. It will be a beautiful memory. It's too delicate to become real.

 

This. This is exactly how it feels right now. The first time we were reunited after thinking we would never meet again, we call it our "fairytale", because it truly felt like we were in a movie. It was perfect, it was one of the best moments of my life, and the best moments with a guy. He felt the same.. but then, reality hit. Hit him faster than me, I wanted more but now I realise I was naive. We can't build anything up based on this. We get along really well, but how am I supposed to know anything based on the one month in total together physically? We only fought once and it turned out to be one of our best nights together in the end. I just have this feeling we are so great together, and is this rare? Is it worth fighting for? But then I look into my feelings, and they are fading and they aren't strong.. which is not weird considering we had this mindset from start that it was going to go on for as long as we wanted to meet, with no expectations. I haven't seen him for three months either, barely talked to him for two. So we didn't build anything serious, even though we felt "in love" right before he decided to end it. I'm in my mid 20's but never felt I get along so well with anyone before. I know you can feel this way with many people, but what I don't know is when is it worth holding on to it... I don't want to live with regrets but sometimes, like you said, I think that.. lets leave it at this, a beautiful memory and a fantasy.. and maybe one day we will make more sense than we do now.

 

But if we go on now, we might ruin it with the distance, we might ruin it because none of us are ready for anything serious, because we both want to travel alot and do exchange studies. There is just too much, and the only thing holding us together right now (well, not really together) is the fact that we lived this insane and intense story.. and well, all the ****ing "what ifs"...

[Lenmi]

hippychick3

 

He said many times to me he haven't met anybody, that he doesn't want to either.. and I choose to trust him because he haven't given me a reason not to. I feel he is genuine about the way he feels for me, but I think he is very confused. As I am now too. The distance truly torn us apart, it is so hurtful and confusing to have feelings for someone miles away. Especially if you never had a chance to build a foundation.

 

Rockett

 

This is a good suggestion, I have thought about it... it's just that I think I couldn't be neutral to him. I think in the end it would hurt me more to be friends.

[chillii]

Real feelings , the real stuff , doesn't just fade in a few mths and could easily survive on a few visits for 18mths until you can be together.

But the fact your even worried about feelings so soon already and even say they've faded already, and so worried about missing out for a few months in between pretty well says it all.Then you say there'll be many more guys and even that is just not the way you think if it's the real thing.

It doesn't have what it takes , more like one of those really cool rare times that just happen in life but pass.

Edited January 10, 2019 by chillii

[Junming]

If you want it, go for it. Either you try your best, to seek a way to be with your partner forever, or regret that you wish you have tried but never.

 

Either way, you will learn a lot, but you only get to choose this once, so make a courageous choice, and do not get blocked by fear and worries.

 

All the best to you, things do change and good things are coming...

[Mrs._December]

You're obviously very very young. Hope springs eternal when you're young.

 

REALITY however, eventually comes to call and that perfect 'fairy tale' you built up in your head goes right out the window.

 

Do what young people are supposed to do. Go out and experience life. Travel. Get your education. Have your heart broken 4 or 5 times. Experience romance. Spread your wings. Don't put all your eggs in one basket based on the wispy remnants that remain of a lovely past romance.

 

It's time to move on.

[Joyce Simmons]

Yeah, don’t put all your eggs in basket. Sure he said that he doesn’t want to see anyone else but what if one day he starts talking to someone? Then it leads to something more. You never know. Keep in touch and in the meantime if you meet someone locally that like then go for it

[Lenmi]

Hey, thanks for all the input. With all the confusion in my head, I appreciate it.

 

I realised after talking to him last time, that my feelings for him are still there, not faded but rather scared.. I noticed how all of my doubt disappears as the call proceeds and then when we hang up, it all comes back, reality hits I guess

 

I know I want him though and had he said the right words, I would have fallen again. Unfortunately for my heart though, it all comes down to him having commitment issues and being so far away. In that sense, we stand no chance. He always have had them and I guess, if he can't commit to someone that is there, how will he commit to someone that is far away? I asked him why he did this then, why did he let this go on for as long as it did if he knew how he is and he told me he wanted to atleast try, for us, but when we got more serious and his emotions were strong, he felt like he was losing himself and like he was drugged, couldn't enjoy his daily life with me in his head all the time. So I guess he freaked out and ended it, which I think part of him regrets a bit. He is just too afraid and doesn't think it will work out, I don't know what I think, sometimes I think he is wrong and sometimes I think he is completely right. He said he didn't want to break my heart a second time and he didn't want to waste my time in case this doesn't work out because of him. Hence why I wrote here that he doesn't want to find someone else, because he doesn't feel the need of a relationship in his life now, but you are right, nobody knows what the future will be like and he might find someone he could commit to and that is actually there. I am aware of this, and it doesn't really matter for now anyway.

 

I know how it all sounds, I hear it from my friends that think that I have so much patience with someone that is clearly too immature to be in a relationship... that I'm holding on to something that isn't there anymore.. but atleast I know this is not something he is taking lightly.. I know he is suffering, I know he walks around with the same knot in his stomach as me, thinking of having to let me go. I know he cries and I hate hearing his voice break over the phone. These past few months have been terrible without him, and the next months will be terrible too... but in the end it will be fine. I think I care too much for him too see him feel so bad because of his confusion. I also care too much for my sanity to keep being in this limbo state.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Hey!

 

Then a few months ago he ended it (we were never really a couple though), and didn't give me a good reason because he was so confused. Though at the time he told me he didn't love me anymore and he was over me, later he told me this is what he was trying to tell himself because he didn't have hope we could make it with the long distance. So we stopped talking and now we started talking again a bit, with him telling me he still has feelings for me and has been hurting too the past month.

 

 

Trust me when I tell you he isn't worth it. He just up and ended the relationship. That means if things get just a little tough, he will bail. Find a guy who is local, that'll much better and less of a waste of time. If he truly had feelings for you, he would have never left you the way he did. Been there w/LDR and never again.

[justwhoiam]

I say don't let other stories influence you too much, everyone's different. 1.5 years is nothing. But it all depends on how strong these feelings are (said by someone who reached 7+ years). You've never been a real couple.

 

 

My only advice to you is... if you see the guy this summer, don't be casual with him. That will hurt bad. At least be a real couple were it only for 3 months. Or you might well regret it.

[Lenmi]

Well two weeks ago I decided to let him go, so I told him and I think I might have hurt him because he wanted to keep in touch, but in the end I know this is the right choice for both of us. It was never going to work out between us, too many obstacles and bad timing.

 

I'm happy I decided to let him go. I think it became more of an obsession to be with him than love. I think I stopped loving him more than a month ago. I try to tell myself this each time I want to reach out to him, trying to stay in no contact. It's really hard but I guess it's going to be alright in a few months.

 

So I guess it's the end of this, thanks for listening.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

The allure of a far away love . . . it's the stuff movies are made of. Everything was magical at the time but it's not sustainable. Ending it now & he'll always be that fantasy . . .the one who got away. It will be a beautiful memory. It's too delicate to become real.

 

Def alluring at 1st, but very taxing. This is esp true if one partner isn't willing to put the work to sustain the LDR. After experiencing a LDR that feel apart, I don't suggest for anyone to do it. I enjoy having my partner here in the same city. So much better then waiting months to someone.

 

I think its a different situation for people who have been together for years. If you just met the person on vacation or online, I think you should stay away.

[JParker]

Ending the relationship with this guy might be won’t easy for you. Your memories are in common with him are difficult to erase. Being friends with him is also not an option. What you could do is find yourself a new love. It’s not that easy though too, but it is possible. Long-Distance Relationships are real. I know people who made it happen no matter where they are from and how long they’ve been together with each other. About this guy - you cannot call it as a serious relationship. If he would be serious about you and your future, he would’ve married you. But he didn’t. He is running away. If you do really love him, let him go. If he wants to be with you, he will make a first step. You’ve tried your best. It’s up to you now - move on or live a fantasy.

[Lenmi]

I feel like I’m back to the start again. I have really tried to move forward, but I keep going back. I’m so torn, I really really feel I should forget him and focus on myself. That I don’t want to be in relationship right now, that no matter what we do we would never work.... and no matter what I tell myself I still have a strong desire for him. It’s been killing me for the past 5 months. I feel like I have tried everything and nothing works. It has slowly gotten better since the first month but this past week I’m back to crying every day, dreaming of him and thinking of him all the time.... I still haven’t talked to him since I told him it’s time to move on two months ago. He hasn’t said a word to me, I think part of me is really disappointed about that and another part feels like he has forgotten about me and another part thinks there might still be hope.

 

I have also lately been booking everything for my studies in his city, so now it’s really happening. I wish he wasn’t there during summer in a way so I can just not think there might be a chance to see him. I don’t want to see him and I want to see him! I want him so much...... I don’t get what he has done to me to want him this much. I feel he must not feel the same since he didn’t say a word to me. I feel it will be so strange that in two months I will suddenly be so close to him and yet the furthest. I’m not sure what to do next.... I don’t want to contact him because I feel I have done everything and more, I have said everything too.. I feel like I have more pride than to go back, but my progress is so minimal and I’m sad so often and I need to snap out of this but I don’t know how anymore.... or if I even can.

[ExpatInItaly]

I still haven’t talked to him since I told him it’s time to move on two months ago. He hasn’t said a word to me, I think part of me is really disappointed about that

 

Well, to be fair, his silence is an indication he respected your decision to end it. I would not have reached out in his position either, simply as a means of self-preservation. If someone told me it was time to move on, I would heed that and cease contact.

 

It sounds to me that you do want to be in touch with him, but don't want to make the first move. However, given that you are the one who told him to move on, the ball is indeed in your proverbial court. The onus would be on you to take the initiative.

 

Contacting him now that you are actually going to be in area is risk, though. You might get a positive response, or you might be met with silence, indifference, or the news that he is dating someone else now. Reflect on how you'd handle that sort of thing before deciding whether to reach out.

[Lenmi]

I wrote. I sent him a light text and he responded, then later in the evening we texted for about an hour. I don't know what to think, it felt very neutral. I didn't bring up much emotions... not more than that I felt I had hurt him last time we spoke and he said he is "very fine" and I made the right decision for us.

 

I don't even know how I feel after this, I don't know if we will talk again either because I don't think he will initiate. I feel mostly worried and anxious that the more time that goes the further away he will be. I don't know what I want to do, how to proceed, if I should tell the truth about my feelings now or just let it be until I'm there in two months?

[ExpatInItaly]

Does he know you'll be there in two months?

[Lenmi]

Does he know you'll be there in two months?

 

Yes, he knows. I have been planning this since months back so when I first told him he felt bad about it because one of his biggest issues is the distance, so I guess he felt bad that I would be there when we are broken up... maybe that has changed now.

[Lenmi]

I think maybe it’s best if I say nothing now and see what happens in two months. If he really wants to see me I think he will say something, because maybe it’s easier to not initiate now that I’m far away since nothing can happen, but it might be more difficult to stay away when we are close. I’m thinking mainly because the distance was our biggest issue. I feel I made a first move now when I wrote and he knows it’s okay to keep in touch. I just need to endure these two months because I think whatever happens or doesn’t happen during summer I will be okay and happy. Maybe I meet someone else since I will be around many new people or I will be with him and get to actually date eachother and see what can happen.

 

Right now though I think I need to continue trying to move on.. so I accepted to go out this weekend with someone I recently met. Maybe it will be good for me, I hope.

[ExpatInItaly]

The thing is, OP, that you were the one to last call it off. For that reason, I think any invitation to meet up again will need to come from you.

 

You're right that he now knows the door is open to communicate, but I believe he will be unsure why you opened that door. It will be on you to clarify what your intentions are in getting back in touch and let him know you'd like to see him again.