Cutting ties with ALL family members because of religion

[jaimepn]

I was raised in a fundamentalist religion. My entire family are members (parents, brother, grandparents, uncles - all of them). They do genuinely believe that this religion is the "truth" and the only means of "salvation".

 

I stopped believing that during my early 20s, but remained silently compliant for the sake of keeping in touch with them and all my friends.

That really started to bother me. I was wasting my life. I had already wasted my school years, couldn't enjoy my weekends bc of religious responsibilities, my life was boring, etc.

 

I stopped being "active" in participating in these religious activities. My phone didn't stop ringing with "concerned" religious authorities, they were very insisting in trying to talk to me, sometimes waiting at my door when I was returning from work.

 

I had the option to just formally QUIT the religion, but that would cause my family to stop talking to me, as per religion rules. That would inflict a great deal of pain in all of us.

 

*** Moved to another country ***

 

Best decision ever! Finally had peace and quiet, and can visit my parents several times a year - because I haven't officially left the religion I can still talk to them. I just have to tolerate the annoying comments that I am at risk of being "destroyed" because I "turned my back to God"

 

The problem:

I am getting divorced and am stuck. Cannot engage in a new relationship and be intimate without marrying first - religion rules - and I don't want that.

 

Solutions:

- I live my life, am shunned from this religion and become basically dead to the entirety of my family, and utterly alone, despite the fact that we all really like each other - I'll become the horrible, sinful, worldly and, worst of all - apostate person they preach against.

- I return to the religion for their sake and live a life of misery, where I pretend to be something I am not.

 

These are the kind of choices and challenges you're faced with when you're forced into growing up in an environment like this.

Edited January 9, 2019 by jaimepn

[Happy Lemming]

What do you need your family for?? You need a kidney or some bone marrow to live??

 

I haven't talked to my sister in 20+ years.

 

Only (recently) spoke to my mother after 10+ years of silence. And I only spoke to her because my father was hospitalized, at the time.

 

You don't need family, but you do need to be happy with your life. You only get one life, ENJOY IT!!

 

Oh... and pick a new religion (if you need one at all), that isn't so strict with its rules. Especially one where the members don't stalk you at your front door as you come home from work.

[central]

Family can be great - when the relationship isn't toxic. Your relationship would become toxic if you faked your religious beliefs. You can live without family. Better still, you can create your own, new family, through friendships and (re)marriage. Don't let others' beliefs destroy your happiness and personal truth.

[Geraltt]

This is a very common situation when a person in the middle of a fundamentalist family comes to his/her own personal "age of enlightenment."

 

You are not alone.

 

There is at least one thing to be thankful for, though: at least your religion doesn't kill apostates.

 

Ryan Bell, one-time fundamentalist pastor, has been through it all, and more. It might be worth reaching out to him. Good guy, well-spoken, knows his stuff. He has twitter and facebook pages and is pretty good at responding. He may be able to help coach you through some of this stuff.

 

There's also Jerry DeWitt, Carter Warden (I don't think he has a website but he may have twitter/facebook accounts) and Gretta Vosper, just to name a few.

 

Just one small word of counsel: don't try to get your family members to change their minds on religion. You had to come to your own personal realization in your own time, on your own terms. They will have to do the same. They may never; then again, they may see your example and decide to take that leap.

 

I have a dear, dear friend of over 50 years that is very religious. I'm an atheist. We're still friends. Religion is simply not part of our discussions. We talk cars, travel, fishing, relationships, etc etc etc. It's not as if we avoid discussing religion, it's simply that it's not part of our normal discourse. It's just not that important. I don't try to change his mind and he doesn't try to change mine. We respect each other's choices.

[bathtub-row]

I’ve mentioned this in your previous post - I, too, was raised in that religion and left it in my mid-20’s. It devastates families. I chose the path of leaving because I could see no way of “faking it” and I let the chips fall where they may. My parents eventually came around and I continued to see them. There are 4 siblings in my family. Two of us left the religion, two remained. After my parents passed away, we found their wills and they left everything to all 4 of us equally. No surprise to me. However, my two religious siblings were looking for an updated will that excluded me and my other sibling. I told them if they found such a thing, we would honor it. I also told them they wouldn’t find it. They never did and they were shocked that our parents continued a relationship with us over the years. I won’t get into the greedy behavior of these “Christians” during that time. I had hoped to rekindle a relationship with my other siblings but never did. I lost very dear aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. People I had known all my life.

 

Having said all that, I never once regretted my decision to openly leave. And, yes, I was pressured heavily by their elders. I finally told them to kiss off and to never contact me again. End of story. In a way, my life has been a sparse existence since I lost my family but I now have my son, my sister, her son and his family, and cousins who weren’t JW’s. I’ve also encountered friends who had left the religion but many of them were very self-destructive because they left the religion for the wrong reasons. Meaning that they left to be promiscuous, do drugs, etc. They didn’t leave because they no longer believed the teachings. I’ve seen that type of self-destructive behavior over and over again throughout the years and many of them go back to the religion because they screwed up their lives so badly, the religion was their only safe haven. And the religion must’ve been right, right?

 

If you want to continue to fake it, I totally understand but it’s not an authentic way to live. What I don’t get is that if you have sex with someone outside marriage, how would your family ever know if you live in another country?

[jaimepn]

What I don’t get is that if you have sex with someone outside marriage, how would your family ever know if you live in another country?

 

Maybe because of my upbringing, I value deep relationships with the right person a lot more than superficial hookups and I wouldn't like to "keep secrets" especially if that someone is really important to me.

 

I am saying this but I am aware that "normally dating" a "normal person" is going to be something new to me.

 

Anyway, I'm just raising this issue because this is another layer of pain that is about to be stacked to the current situation. So, I'll probably take it slow.

Booking the first session of counseling for next week. Will need all the help I can get.

[bathtub-row]

There’s no rule that says you have to have sex with someone when you date them. It’s your life, do what you feel is right for you. Just explain that to anyone you date so that they don’t have wrong expectations. A lot of women would respect a man who doesn’t want to have sex before marriage.

[jaimepn]

A lot of women would respect a man who doesn’t want to have sex before marriage.

 

No way! One of the biggest lessons I learned in life is to make sure I know someone very well and very intimately long before marriage.

[d0nnivain]

I am a person of faith but to me any religion that preaches exclusion or mean spiritedness, that tells people to stop talking to their family members is awful & not Christian in the slightest.

 

I'm sure it's painful to have been shunned like this but I think you are better off.

[bathtub-row]

No way! One of the biggest lessons I learned in life is to make sure I know someone very well and very intimately long before marriage.

 

Well, I agree. I personally wouldn’t want someone who didn’t want sex before marriage but there are people who would be ok with it, and respect it. I think waiting until you feel committed to one another is fine but I definitely wouldn’t wait until marriage, either.

[bathtub-row]

I am a person of faith but to me any religion that preaches exclusion or mean spiritedness, that tells people to stop talking to their family members is awful & not Christian in the slightest.

 

I'm sure it's painful to have been shunned like this but I think you are better off.

 

That religion is such a joke - and they’re total hypocrites. Not necessarily the people, I mean the religion itself. I did research on them years after I left and found out that they had interests in something to do with nuclear weapons. Now this religion teaches not going to war for your country. Many of them went to prison during the Vietnam War because they refused to fight. The religion also has hidden numerous child abuse instances, covering it up because it would smear their name. I don’t hate the people in the religion but I definitely hate the religion. They turned my life upside down. But I went on to live a good life so the joke’s on them. They’ve been sued numerous times for “disfellowshipping” ex members as it’s considered slander.

 

My favorite rule of theirs is that they tell their members not to read any derogatory info about the religion. When I was in it, I recall that a very significant person left the religion and wrote a scathing book about it. I was curious to know what he said but I was told I wasn’t supposed to. When I asked why, I was told it was because he was lying. But I said if he’s lying, we would know that, right? I was about 13 at the time but that was the beginning of the end for me. I do not like being told that I can’t think for myself. As a cult, they direct what people read, engage the majority of their time with church activities (although they don’t refer to that entity as a church), and basically brain-wash people. It’s horrible.

 

Don’t get me started... ?

[Mr. Lucky]

am shunned from this religion and become basically dead to the entirety of my family, and utterly alone, despite the fact that we all really like each other

 

That is their choice, you should live your life focused on yours. I can't imagine anything more miserable than pretending to be something you're not in the mistaken belief that will yield desired results.

 

Be true to yourself, the rest will fall into place...

 

Mr. Lucky