Am I really being a creep? Or is it me

[happymom381]

Ok, long post. I'm thinking just writing it out may also help me find some clarity. Keep in mind, it spans 9 years, so that's why it's so long.

 

So, I'm 29 now, from the East Coast, USA. When I was 20, I went traveling in Mexico by myself for a month. It was truly one of the best experiences of my life. I stayed a week in Mexico City and 3 weeks in smaller, southern city in Mexico to take spanish class. I made all sorts of traveler friends. One girl who I met through a classmate was from Germany, but she lived in the same Mexican city we were in while she was in elementary school. I found that so fascinating, and I dreamed of one day coming back to that city and raising my child there for some time. This girl introduced me to some of her elementary school friends that she still kept in touch with ( they were all in their 20s too).

 

Well, I fell in love with one of them the last week I was there. I'm gonna call him Carlos here just because he has a really uncommon name and this story is already pretty specific if someone who knows me is reading this LOL. Anyway, this guy was my first HUGE love affair (besides my high school puppy love type thing I had). I'd really love to go into complete detail about the first couple times we got together, but I really don't want to lose everyone's interest before getting to the part where I need advice. Let's just say- he was the first guy that acted absolutely head over heels for me. He was energetic, treated me well, made me feel so special. I didn't even speak Spanish very well, but he would just ask me questions about myself constantly.

 

Finally, after knowing each other for just a few days, I went home to the east coast. We continued emailing and talking on the phone for a few weeks, saying how much we missed each other and trying to plan a trip for him to come visit me. About a month after I came home, he was still getting his passport paperwork in order because he had lost it before we met. He told me if I wanted to and if I had time that I could come back to Mexico for a few days and he would buy my ticket. So I visited again, and we had a wonderful time. When I came back, he emailed me and told me he was trying to come and be with me in the US as fast as possible. In 3 months, he had quit school and come to stay with me. He got his own place and a job, while I was also had my own apartment and was working and finishing up school.

 

Things were going pretty well for awhile, but both of our own issues started getting in the way. My parents had just recently divorced, and I was taking it very hard and felt depressed all the time. I also struggled with anxiety and substance abuse. It turned out he was an alcoholic and was very lost in life. We fought a lot. I said a lot of terrible things to him and was very passive aggressive and immature to him. Through it all, he stayed by my side, staying in touch with me when I would push him away, and we tried to work things out for awhile, but it just got to be too much. I was in a really dark place, apart from our relationship issues, my whole life was in shambles. I was doing drugs, cheating on him, and I got pregnant by someone else and told him that it was his. I had an abortion because I couldn't bear him knowing the baby wasn't his. It was probably one of the saddest times of my life. About a month or two after that happened, and he finally completely broke us off, but told me he would be there for me if I never needed help and that he loved me very much. He also confessed to me that he was going back to an ex-girlfriend of his from Mexico. I was devastated. This girl had been all over his facebook and messages the entire time I was with him. he was honest about them being together before me, and swore up and down that he put her in her place twice when he and I were together because of his respect for me. But I was still enraged and heart-broken over it. This was at the end of 2011.

 

At the beginning of 2012, I rebounded with another guy to forget everything. That relationship didn't last, but I just bounced from guy to guy to keep myself afloat.I forgot about Carlos, I wasn't mad at him anymore when I thought about him. I didn't even miss him because I felt it wasn't right. Once and awhile I would check up on his facebook ( we weren't friends but I could see some stuff). I saw that he'd moved to California to live with his Uncle. At the end of 2013, I had just gotten a new job where I was making some money in Texas, and found really cheap flights to Mexico. So, I thought, why not let me take a trip out there. I went back to the town where Carlos lived (he was still in California). His mother and sisters were very friendly to me during my entire relationship with Carlos, and after, so when I contacted his sister to meet up, she ended up letting me stay with her for a few days. I also stayed with his mother for a night, she made me dinner and had me feeling right at home. It was a pleasant trip, and I reminisced a lot from my first trip there (remember, I was there for a few weeks already before I met Carlos).

 

After I went home, I re-added Carlos on Facebook. He messaged me right away and said his mother had told him I was there and he was happy to see I was doing so well. We chatted for a bit and that was it. After that I had a dream about us getting married and thought about how it would be to get back with him, but then eventually I let it go a few days later and remembered I needed to move on with my life.

 

3 years later in 2016, I moved back to the East Coast because I was pregnant and about to be a single mom. Getting pregnant was a huge turning point for me, I stopped relying on drinking and drugs to soothe myself, I started doing a lot of inner work and I feel a lot more mentally healthy. I also realize I have probably just matured a lot too since I was younger. I spoke to Carlos briefly while I was pregnant and I found out he was also about to have his first child with his girlfriend (not the same one he left me for) and that he was back living in Mexico and running his mom's business with his sister. Our daughters are about a month apart.

 

Like I said earlier, before I even met Carlos, i had dreamed of taking my child to Mexico to go to school and experience living there. Specifically the city where Carlos is from because I have been there and I'm comfortable with it. I have now reached a point where I really will be in a position to do so at the end of 2019. My daughter will be almost 3. A few months ago, before I really had a plan in place and the idea was still floating around in my head, I spoke to Carlos a little bit again, and he mentioned that if I ever wanted to that I could come and stay with his family because they do rooms on air bnb. I said ok to be polite, but also I don't know if maybe he was offering just to be polite. I didn't give him a time frame, I just said "someday I'd like to bring my daughter to Mexico to go to school."

 

Anyway, so my point is- now that I am really trying to get a plan going, I'm starting to feel afraid of a few things. i have started thinking about him ALOT, going through all of our messages and analyzing what we went through together. I realize that now this was almost a decade ago and we are probably both very different people now. I know what I want out of a relationship for the first time in my life, and to be honest, I don't know if I would find it in him anyway ( but I don't know because I haven't seen him in so long). I'm afraid that his family will think I'm trying to get him back, which part of me maybe is trying to do that. But if he wasn't living there, I would still go. Part of me is afraid to even reach out and let him know I'm there. But, it's not a huge city, and I'm friends with him, his mom, and sisters on social media. I think it would be rude to not say anything. Plus, if I'm going to go to a foreign country with my child, I would rather be somewhere where I knew people I could trust and that would help me if I needed it.

 

Should I not go?

[ExpatInItaly]

If you go, make sure you do entirely independently of this man and his family. Don't make plans to stay with them, even for a few nights.

 

Find a job and your own place. Set yourself up there. When you're established, then you could try reaching out.

 

I say that because you don't really know him anymore. You've talked a bit, but you haven't actually spent any time together in years. A lot has changed since then, and if you meet again, it will be better to do so from a place of very low expectations and a secure plan to continue living your own life in the event that he's not interested or things don't work out between you two.

[Wallysbears]

While this may sound harsh, but I don’t think you are thinking like a parent.

 

I have friends that have retired and moved to beautiful places in Mexico and love it. Love it!

 

But the education system nor the healthcare is on par with the US. They’ve already come back to the states twice because of health issues (and maintain US healthcare just in case)

 

I think a vacation is fine. But you have a toddler. And her future to think about.