Am I crazy?

[Widy777]

Hey everyone this is my first time here and I would love someone's advice ! So me and my bf have been together for about 5 years now he's a very shy person and he's very sweet and thoughtful and we live together and work together but we've been having a hard time for a while now it honestly started when we quit smoking 2 years ago and it's been ruff since then. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what's going on but I'll try my best.

 

We fight about once every week or two weeks and we never NOT fight it's pretty stupid, honestly I've been through 2 long relationships already and I've learned alot but this is his first so I feel like sometimes there's a lot he has to learn. Every fight he ends up screaming my head off and just criticizing me and telling me all that is wrong with me. When he gets mad and says that what I did made him mad it's not atol what it was and I try to explain myself but he cuts me off gets mad and says to stop defending myself the only thing he tells me to say is that I will work on myself and change and stop doing what im doing and to apologize. When I try to explain myself I try telling him that what he thinks I did is not what I did but he gets so mad and says to stop trying to be right all the time... im not im just trying to stand up for myself. I end up staying quiet and telling him what he wants to hear just so he won't yell at me. Every fight I end up so confused and I don't understand what happened or what he's saying most of the time the stuff he says I did isn't true and it didn't happen like that and I always think im going crazy and half the time I say I don't remember that or im confused! It's like half the stuff he said happened never happened it's weird! I think he takes things personal where he feels threatened but none of my intentions are bad atol I have an example that happened this morning:

 

I had to go take pictures for my project at work and well we work together so he was with me. I felt like he didn't really wanna come with me because yesterday it snowed and he wanted to do it today instead so I asked him this morning do you want me to bring you to work and I'll come back I don't mind?

He says no so I keep driving then he says we should go later cuz it's dark and I said yeah it's dark but by the time we get there it'll be ok it'll be bright since it takes like 30 minutes to get there!

Then 5 minutes later I ask again are you sure you don't want me to bring you? He says no it's ok so I keep driving then he says again we should go tomorrow and I said again babe it's ok look it's starting to get bright now we'll be ok and plus if we go to work and want to come back to take pictures the boss won't let us cuz why should 2 people go take pics only one should be enough.

So I get there and it's bright and perfect and in like man wonder where I should park and he says in a ride manor eum right there beside you like where else would you park ?? Then I tell him I really don't like the way he's talking with me and if he could please not talk to me like that cuz it makes me feel stupid. And I said it calmly im pretty calm it takes me AloT to get angry, I usually only get mad when he's yelling at me in my face. So after I park he's looking out his window and in like is everything ok? Then he starts his usual thing you never care what I want and it's all about you and I didn't listen to him blah blah blah keeps going so im like confused lol like usual and I say what do you mean? He says I told you 3 times that I didn't wanna come and I wanted to come later! Then I said no you said we should come later cuz it's dark but it's not so it's fine and he's getting more mad and says there you go defending again you should of asked me what I meant and not assume that I wanted to go later because it's dark it doesn't matter what I want!!

So at this point I start to just let go because I know when he's in this mood nothing gets in to him and he's just furious so I let him yell and rant! Well this happened all day then we go to his Gramma's for supper and I told him that I was hurt from him yelling at me and he got mad started screaming and the cops were called on us! That was so ****ty, never happened to me before, I wanna make this work SO bad because other then these stupid fights we're good and we have fun so it's hard for me to give up on this, we have a couples therapy session coming up so crossing my fingers, he was yelled at as a child so I think he's pretty much built this way and I know I can't change him I honestly don't know what im waiting for im just waiting for the yelling to stop and for him to wake up ! Or maybe in waiting till it doesn't hurt anymore? I just hate how I feel like I have to tip toe around him and I never know when the bomb will blow! I've been working on myself and trying to learn more of ways to deal with this and im trying to hear him out and change what he doesn't like that I do but nomatter what he's just so angry ! Another thing is when we're talking about the simplest of subjects and I don't agree with him he freaks out so it's like I have to think what he's thinking? I just don't think he likes being wrong? I kinda feel like he expects only me to change and it's my fault for all the problems... Anyways I hope this gives you enough info lol I just wanna know if im going crazy or what?!

 

Thanks SO much everybody!

 

Mel ?

[Mr. Lucky]

Honestly, he sounds emotionally and verbally abusive, a bully. Haranguing you until you apologize for something you didn't do isn't communication, it's intimidation.

 

Hard to see how you find him to be "shy" and "sweet"? He seems controlling and mean...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Widy777]

Hey thanks for your reply Mr. lucky!

 

I say he's sweet because when he's happy hes really nice and really loving towards me but as soon as I don't do or say something that bugs him when he's stressed or not in a good mood **** hits the fan and he's Mr meany !

 

But yeah you're right it is abuse it's just hard to see it when you're living it day by day and you get sucked into this big hole! I've tried telling him it's abuse but he says it's because I do things that are wrong then I start believing it that's when it's scary, then your self esteem gets crushed because you believe them, you have to always stick to your gut and never stop listening to your yourself! Thanks to you I can see it clearly for what it really is, it's sad how some people are programmed I feel bad for him because it's not his fault he was made like this and he doesn't see the bad in the situation. There's just a certain way you have to talk to people and you shouldn't have to disrespect and scream to get what you want it's like a lil kid tantrum! Anyways I got what I needed thanks again and take care Mr Lucky!

 

Mel

[Mr. Lucky]

but he says it's because I do things that are wrong

 

Widy777, think about that for a second - not just you, but could anyone always be wrong? And regardless of the high ground he claims, or how much he yells, could he always be right?

 

This is textbook stuff, both his insistence and your willingness. Hope you do something to break the cycle...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

It's sad how some people are programmed I feel bad for him because it's not his fault he was made like this and he doesn't see the bad in the situation.

 

Maybe, you finding the courage to leave this abusive relationship will give him the insight to see that he needs to reconsider a few things... and he has some big changes to make.

 

Or, perhaps it won't and he will just move on to find his next victim. Either way, you won't be around to see it because you are smart enough to see him for what he is (an abuser), and to know that you are worth more than this!

 

Best wishes,