Leigh 87 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 I'm assuming he told you about it? He also had coffee and then started following her on Instagram but that's the extent of it. I don't believe that being in a relationship means you can never be attracted to or intrigued by other people. I think the difficult part is sometimes we have no outlet for those feelings or how to admit them truthfully to a partner or work through them. I don't think this requires ending the relationship. I think couple's counseling pre-marriage might be a great space to actively talk about these things and to come up with a way to deal with these things int he future. It seems a lot more constructive than simply ending things. A lifetime together with any human will come with a lot of issues and things you didn't even think about, even for you, where your response might surprise you, so I'm 100% for having all the tools and forethought to help, hence I think counseling to just lay out some of these things can be very useful in adding to your tool kit and not thinking that simply being in love or married is enough to know how to deal with your own complicated feelings or working through issues with a whole other person. On the other hand.. I 100% believe this too.... We will feel the instant magic and chemistry with more than one person; often when we already have a long term partner! But I do feel people who really value old fashioned commitment shut it down ASAP. I would only worry if he felt the sort of "zing" for her, more so than he ever felt for you; that he felt that was missing when you met.... I also draw the line on acting on any type of infatuation or attraction. Feeling it sure - but commitment minded men who are good at marriage never act on it, they actively shut it down, have a flirt the first time they meet within reason and to know they still "got it", then never speak to said woman again; they should never feel more into any woman then they initially felt for their wife back when they first met, either.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 He cheated the second he took her number. He will cheat again. Sorry. Yep, I strongly agree...... Flirting a tad is one thing ----- getting phone numbers is instant dismissal for me - life is too short, go get a loyal guy now while you are still fertile and can have a family rather than waste that experience with a disloyal man. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 (edited) I'll lighten my tone. OP, you know the story and ultimately know best. I think the theme from the responses in this thread say his behaviour is concerning. While I wouldn't consider getting the woman's number a cheat, I would consider the how he went about the situation somewhat insensitive. If you feel betrayed and have lost trust, it's feedback. Whenever I felt something was off in my prior relationships (Which back then I used to brush off as nothing), it ended up being something later on...a symptom of a larger problem. Beyond that, it's your call. - Beach Edited January 18, 2019 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Getting somebody's phone # is not cheating. Don't exaggerate. It certainly wasn't the greatest most loyal or trustworthy move by an engaged person but it doesn't arise to cheating . . . yet. The intent is there, which to me is the same thing. It's only a matter of time, so may as well dodge the bullet, as I see it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 The intent is there, which to me is the same thing. It's only a matter of time, so may as well dodge the bullet, as I see it. Intent vs action are different. I'm going to take it to the extreme to make my point. I intend to go out & kill person A. On my drive over there I get in a car accident & am rushed to the hospital where I remain for several weeks. While there I change my mind about killing person A. Person A remains alive & well. I am certainly not guilty of having committed murder or any other crime. I may need therapy or anger management to figure out how I got whipped up into a murderous rage in the first place but since I didn't actually kill A I can be helped. Here the FIs action of asking for the phone # merits further inquiry & the couple needs to have a lot of long painful discussions before heading down the aisle. They might not make it but a knee jerk reaction of breaking up in response to a bad decision made probably out of some cold feet or stupid FOMO response is an over reaction, IMO. I am not suggesting glossing over what he did but compassion, forgiveness, communication & understanding are huge assets in any relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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