trouble coping after losing ex and friends

[paisleypanther]

After a year or so of being attracted to each other, me and this guy from my church started dating last summer. The relationship became emotionally intimate quickly. We went from friendly banter and exchanging memes to talking all night about childhood trauma, gender dysphoria, sexuality, and our own mental illnesses. In the beginning, our relationship was a positive influence in both of our lives. We spent a lot of time together and with friends from church. We were tender and gentle with each other, and I can honestly say we were in love. But there were so many intense feelings that neither of us were prepared to sort through.

 

He was an alcoholic while I was suffering from chronic depression, anxiety, and mania. I was suspicious of him cheating because he spent a lot of time with his ex. In the middle of the relationship, he told me and profusely apologized after a situation where he was hanging out with a girl and her friends and she kissed him. I didn’t believe it was an accident and I would mock him about this (something I’m now very ashamed of, considering that he has been taken advantage of sexually in the past). I was also growing more concerned about his unresolved trauma and he started lashing out, criticizing my mental illness and gaslighting me. I felt like we had gone from being in love to being enemies. It broke my heart when he’d look at me like he wouldn’t care if I lived or died. He dumped me on Halloween. He told me it was because he didn’t want a long-distance relationship (I go to school in the Bay Area while he lives in SoCal) but we both knew that wasn’t the reason. Both of us were on different paths and I knew I couldn’t handle his self-destructive behavior. We were mentally ill and not ready for a healthy, long-term relationship. We talked briefly about dating in the future after we both have sorted through our baggage.

 

We continued to hang out and there were definitely times where it seemed like we were gonna get back together. I remember some nights where we’d watch movies and cuddle on the couch, just hugging and touching each others faces. It really felt like there was that tenderness again. Things changed after Thanksgiving. There had been some drama going on at my church with the youth pastor. At 2AM the next day, my ex texted me saying he wanted to go no-contact. He said we were holding each other back. It broke my heart. Part of me wondered if my youth pastor had told him to stay away from me because my sister and I had been disagreeing with some of his teachings. I didn’t know if my ex hated me, if he still loved me, or if he flat out didn’t care about me. We agreed that this would be temporary, but I left the church shortly after and I haven’t seen him since. I didn’t just lose someone who I was extremely intimate with. I lost nearly all of my friends from church as well as the youth pastors who had been like parents to me. I went from spending almost every day with these people to not seeing them or talking to them at all. On New Years Eve, I found out my ex was having a party and all my old friends were going. I wasn’t invited. I also found out he tried to drunkenly hook up with one of our mutual friends, but she turned him down.

 

I worry about my ex so much. He’s at high-risk and he isn’t getting professional help for his trauma. He made us going no-contact seem like the healthy thing for him, but his continued destructive benders make me think he didn’t care much about that at all. It makes me think he just wanted to get rid of me quickly, but not enough for me to reject him if he came crawling back. It made me think I was “holding him back” from the next fling or hookup. Part of me wonders if he ever thinks about me. Part of me wonders if he even loved me.

 

Strangely enough, I still miss my ex like crazy. There have been so many times when I’ve almost broken down and texted him. Looking back, I feel like we connected on a totally different level, and when things were good, they were great. I also really miss my old friends. I hardly ever leave the house to spend time with people. I’m not sure how to cope with this loss. I’m going back to college in about a week and as of now I don’t even have the willpower to wake up in the morning. I go to bed really late so I can distract myself until the point of exhaustion. Otherwise I just cry myself to sleep. I’ve been talking with my therapist about getting involved with a CoDA group up north. This is all good in theory, but sometimes I’m so crippled by my own sadness that I can’t even get out of bed and take care of myself. I could really use some advice or encouragement right now.

 

TL;DR

Lost my ex and most of my friends after church drama and going no-contact. I’m returning to university soon but I’m so depressed it’s hard for me to complete my responsibilities much less take care of myself.

[Tigglesworth]

Hey, friend. It hurts to lose someone we care so deeply about when they have some problems. I recently was dumped by a girl with some problems that kind of plagued us throughout our relationship.

I think the problem with people like us is that we crave to have someone who depends on us, and we want someone that we can depend on as well.

The start of your relationship definitely sounds like mine. We met from work as coworkers, and spent so much time into the deepest hours of the nights (3-5 am) just talking about who we are, our problems, and other nonsensical crap until we, naturally, formed an intimate bond between each other.

 

I know it would be hard to do, but if my SO was messing around with their ex, or texting them, I would break it off. Why do I feel this way? The relationship I had before this one, she was doing exactly that. I trusted her, and I paid the price (she was cheating).

 

I know its hard to let go of someone with problems. It can be like letting a baby bird fall out of the nest...it has to learn to fly one way or another, and we cannot keep protecting them from their future, whatever it may be. If he is to fail, he will fail. We can only pick ourselves up after we have fallen, and we must learn how to pick ourselves up.

 

I too am going back to college in a week or so. We even go to the same college (current ex). I will do my best to avoid her, texting her, or anything. It will be hard (I care so much about her still..) but we have to let go. The sun will always rise and we will try again.

I too lay in bed late into the afternoon (1-3pm) before I finally convince/urge/coerce myself to get out. It is hard. I can't sleep straight anymore (wake up 3-4 times) and it is tough to communicate with other people...even my own loving family at times.

 

I think the best thing we can do right now is to try and forget. My ex also initiated (I believe, she did not say a word to me prior to it) NC. It has been tough. I clawed away at her even just today I left her a "gift basket" of stuff. I probably should not have. I want to win her heart back, but love is usually not something you can win back by yourself. The other person has to come to terms that they do want you.

My 2nd ex and I had this problem ( the one that cheated on me ). I knew in my heart I could never take her back, despite how much I loved, missed, and needed her. We stayed in contact for a year (!) until I finally broke it off for good. We had been together for 7 (!) years until it happened. So I suppose it was just hard for me to let go of someone who was like family to me, if that makes sense. I cannot say I fully enjoyed the contact I kept with her. I feel bad for stringing her along for so long, and I regret not letting us both heal faster.

 

We have to move on, somehow. I'm still personally trying to decide how I can myself, especially when she lives so close. Especially when we remain friends on some social media platforms (I do not use them though..but the temptation to look is there). I miss her, but us pining over them does not help us to heal, and to better ourselves.

 

I think something we should think about is: who were you before you met them? Were you happy? What were you doing? It is not your responsibility to care for them. If they mess up, its on them. We need to focus on something new.

 

When you return to university, try to meet some people, join a club, put yourself out there (not to date, but to make friends first!). Once you are comfortable with a new circle of people, and yourself, then I think you can focus on the additions of love to your life.

I know it may be hard to get into a club or whatnot, I have some anxiety as well with that stuff, but these people want others to join the club, meet you, and become friends. Our biggest enemy is ourselves. We have to first overcome our self before we can live again.

 

From a song I like think on this as food for thought:

"Fight it, take the pain, ignite it.

Tie a noose around your mind

Loose enough to breathe fine and tie it

To a tree, tell it, you belong to me, this ain't a noose

This is a leash and I have news for you

You must obey me."

 

The artist is Twenty One Pilots, which you may have heard of recently (they gettin' popular, bittersweet). These songs may help you a lot, especially their first album, which is self-titled.

These songs have church related undertones and helpful messages to inspire those who have fallen to rise back up.

You are not alone. Stay alive, friend. |-/

[paisleypanther]

I know its hard to let go of someone with problems. It can be like letting a baby bird fall out of the nest...it has to learn to fly one way or another, and we cannot keep protecting them from their future, whatever it may be. If he is to fail, he will fail. We can only pick ourselves up after we have fallen, and we must learn how to pick ourselves up.

 

I too am going back to college in a week or so. We even go to the same college (current ex). I will do my best to avoid her, texting her, or anything. It will be hard (I care so much about her still..) but we have to let go. The sun will always rise and we will try again.

I too lay in bed late into the afternoon (1-3pm) before I finally convince/urge/coerce myself to get out. It is hard. I can't sleep straight anymore (wake up 3-4 times) and it is tough to communicate with other people...even my own loving family at times.

 

Thanks for the encouragement and advice. Getting over someone really sucks. My ex hangs out at a lot of the places I go, but I couldn't imagine being at the same college as him. I know the temptation to reach out to her might be overwhelming at times, but I hope you'll stay strong! I also know how talking with family members can feel. My family didn't really approve of my ex so they kinda just said "told ya so" and then told me to stop talking about it. Even when they're open to listening I can't find the words to describe how I feel. Half of me feels abandoned and rejected while the other half is completely terrified for my ex's safety. But like you said, if someone's gonna fall, they will fall. It can be super super SUPER easy for empaths and people like us who get really attached to feel responsible for someone else's wellbeing, but the reality is that we aren't.

 

Also the sleep stuff is a pain in the butt. I have no idea how I'm gonna get my sleep schedule out of wack for uni. College is general is kinda just a pain in the butt. I hope you'll be able to stay connected with people and that you'll let your friends know if you're struggling! I almost dropped out of college the first year because I isolated myself to the point of depression.

 

BTW I used to listen to Twenty One Pilots a lot a few years ago. I really enjoy Vessel. Maybe I should start listening to them again.

[Tigglesworth]

Good to hear you are coming to terms. I believe I am pretty well. She ignored her last ex when we got together, and someone else posted “what did she do when you got together, with her exes?” And it has only helped me realize that I am now just a memory to her. It has kind of helped me achieve the closure she would never give me.

And with your family and your ex, that is how mine was with the 7 long relationship I had. It helped to have their backing, and that I felt I was in control (being the dumper). Being the dumpee (first time ever with the current ex) completely sucks. You feel powerless, hopeless. But we can’t bog ourselves fown with what ifs, but to think about what now.

Never drop out of college because of depression. You don’t want to wake up years later and ask yourself, “why?” Future you will appreciate current you for staying strong.

 

I’m sorry to hear him frequenting your hang outs and popular go tos. I couldn’t bare to lose a close knit group of friends as well..just know there are people out there waiting to become a part of your life. Many people recommend changing your habits and driving that extra half hour to be somewhere else. We are not just dealing with emotions here, but our brains that have been wired to react to things a certain way (habits) and it can be hard to change us associating places/things with our ex. A change of environment would help a lot.

All things happen for a reason and part of His master plan. Things work out in very strange ways, and it can be hard to see the whole picture when we only have pieces to start with.

 

You should listen to them again. They had two albums after Vessel (Blurryface and Trench).

Blurryface covers the emotional, personal, spectrum. Your blurryface is that opposite of you that is trying to get you down, attack you, and make you do the bad.

Trench is the newest, and is about a journey, a transition if you will, into another place. Ironicallly, this album released and then my ex and I broke up after seeing them. I must not be afraid of the journey. Sometimes we are.

Give them another listen. Blurryface, despite having a sinister undertone, is very upbeat and “pop” sounding. Many do not think it sounds like them. However, if you enjoyed Vessel, Trench is definitely a great album. Happy to hear you’ve heard them, always fun to find another fan out there

Don’t let Blurryface win. Stay alive, friend.