LDR Affair

[Walentynka]

I have been perusing the boards for a few weeks now, I have read many posts in its entirety. I have felt so identified with many of the feelings of elation, compulsion, sadness and dissapointed. The last 11 mos have been an emotional roller coaster ride, and I have been feeling sick to my stomach for much too long. The games I have to play just to keep him invested and interested in the distance is not worth it. Our relationship has been one of pure delightful intimacy and exhilaration. We both have connected in so many levels that it just seems unreal, too good to be true.

Unfortunately it is precisely the muted anxiety and the lack of emotional response in me, (as if I had just had too much of it and got used to it), what has brought me today to send him a text after a few weeks of being distant and feeling let down (he got comfortable and was just texting me, not calling me anymore) by the lack of effort since our last trip to Paris, that did it for me.

This morning I woke up just emotionally dulled, just like many mornings lately. I am going thru a lot right now, setting up my own business, organizing a huge event and just spent from trying to figure out what's next with my child and whether we will finally move to another state and all the dealing with my ex that is necessary.

I feel still very dulled inside, I don't recognize myself. I am so confused and feel dead inside. I wish I would feel something right now. My MM(x) was the most amazing and mature partner I've had in all my life, close enough to an idealized xH I left long ago. I had never in an eon lives I would have thought I would fall hard for a MM.

We met at a conference and it was love at first sight for both of us, ahem, let me rephrase, it was for him... for me, it was an intense familiar feeling of a chemical-spiritual sort. As soon as his eyes focused on me, I felt them pierce my whole being. His manners were exquisite, the soft way he spoke to me, the way he treated me, the way we communicated, the ease of our mutual understanding, everything was too perfect.

It was almost a year ago, I remember it all very vividly as if it were yesterday, or this morning. I knew I wanted him in a big kind of way, in a lifetime-kinda way. We conversed, he invited me breakfast that same morning we met, we held onto each other as long as we could... we both had meetings to attend a couple of hours later. He invited me to lunch though, I told him I couldn't, but that I would meet him later that afternoon. We kissed as we said see you later. It really was too easy now that I think about it. I made sure to ask twice if he was single, he said yes both times. I couldn't believe my luck! I was so excited, but also cool-headed. That afternoon we walked next to each other and stopped to kiss at every chance we had, he of course asked if he could come to my place, I said "I'm not that kinda woman". Mind me, I haven't arrived to my age single and not have any control over my own desires. I knew what I wanted from him, everything, I wanted everything, and I knew to get it was to keep him interested until I was sure he was whom I thought.

Fast forwarding a couple days after he left (he lives in another country), we spoke every evening on the phone, so I naturally asked more about his life back in his home, we talked about our kids (he has 3, I have 1) all teenagers, I asked about his custody situation and a million other questions to get to the bottom of someone... he was blown away and I caught him by surprise (his words). When we revisited the custody situation, he innocently said he had his 3 kids with him, something didn't feel right. You see, right a few months before him I was engaged to a man from the same country and I knew a bit about their customs and culture, and I was 10000% sure the father never ever gets full custody, no matter what. Naturally I questioned it. He said, oh! you are so smart! I remember my body got super cold in that second... I knew hearing his words something was up, so I followed up with the question, so where does your exW live at? he said, she lives upstairs. I felt devastated, so I hanged up the phone. He texted me a couple heartfelt messages that evening, asking for forgiveness, that indeed he's not divorced, but just separated and all the blah blah blah that all of us know already... the kids, the house, the perfect life in the eyes of everyone, but that he was deeply unhappy and felt utterly unloved. I took me a whole two days to ponder what was happening within me that I had attracted a MM! I clearly remember thinking that there must have been something within me that needed clarity and healing if I couldn't realized at first glance that this man was unavailable. I did what I was used to, blamed myself and decided to stop it right there. Every evening he would call and text, asking for more of me, until one text he asked me if I was scared? I answered yes, and then the rest is history... until today.

I am still frightened, frightened that I will never see him again or that I would never again feel this way about a man. It took me 20yrs to find that kind of connection again since last time I felt it, the thing is that this time it was with someone else's husband, the MM

 

Thanks for letting me share.

[Artdeco]

So what happened that created that distance between you that you’re feeling right now?

 

What is your long-term goal with this relationship?

It doesn’t sound like he’s getting divorced anytime soon. Is an affair enough for you? If not, take this opportunity to distance yourself as well. You had a nice year with him, and all good things end at some point.

 

If you want to continue as his lover, my advice is the same, or similar. Don’t push. You have a business to build, and that’s a beautiful and exciting thing. Focus on that and put all your energy in it!

[Walentynka]

So what happened that created that distance between you that you’re feeling right now?

 

What is your long-term goal with this relationship?

It doesn’t sound like he’s getting divorced anytime soon. Is an affair enough for you? If not, take this opportunity to distance yourself as well. You had a nice year with him, and all good things end at some point.

 

If you want to continue as his lover, my advice is the same, or similar. Don’t push. You have a business to build, and that’s a beautiful and exciting thing. Focus on that and put all your energy in it!

 

I'm very aware of my (dis)trust issues in this relationship, I have pushed him for answers that would give me some understanding of his M and his reasons for staying. I have come out with nothing that gives me a clear understanding in my head nor my heart, with the exception of the kids and even then I had to let it go.

 

My distrust, my isolation and the shame I have put myself thru have pushed me to distance myself on and off from him all these months. I will again be traveling to another continent as I did for a few months last year (back then he came to visit me and took me away with him for a few weeks), as I was telling him about this trip again he was surprised and feeling disappointed we would be that much more far apart, but immediately said that he will be coming by because he has a conference there too.

 

He has shown me devotion, but I have only questioned his feelings for me as he remains married and our future (as he puts it) it is what it is. I hate that phrase! I have many times asked for space and he gives it to me, I have come back to him every time, every time a little cooler than before. He complains, I keep doing it. I am just unsure. I believe his words when he tells me, he is not leaving his M nor his family.

 

On the other hand, he likes to tell me the things we would do together and where we would live and buy a home once the kids are out of the house. I would lie if I said I totally believed him, I didn't. I question everything. If he doesn't text me everyday, I doubt and take it as he's with someone else. He has mentioned so many times other women he is "friends" with, I get a bad feeling about it. It's a LDR to top it off!

 

The pros, the intimacy, the communication, the values (excepting lack of honesty at the beginning). I feel unsure I would ever really get to know him, all the trips are just that, trips... days away with me. I have yet to see him in his own environment. We have already had conflict and we solved it, but I fear the distance and his M just makes this a simple international F*** buddy situationship.

Aghr!! I am feeling a little angry now, disappointed and sad for the time lost.

 

My text to MM this morning in essence said: I love you, but I want more out of a relationship with a man than what we have. I need loads of space and time to myself now. He replied: Of course sweetie. I sure get it. Take your time. Please let me know at least once you’re safe and sound in (country I'm traveling to), okay?

 

I feel so weak and confused

No I am not planning to communicate with him, I want to take it one day at the time and see how I feel.

Edited January 10, 2019 by Walentynka

[BaileyB]

You have been dating "Bachelor" style (like the television show). You meet in a new city, have a whirlwind romance... Of course, that is wonderful but it is not real life.

 

When he leaves, he goes home to his wife and you are left... questioning the relationship and your future?

 

That doesn't sound like fun. I can certainly understand why you are not happy and why you want to end the relationship. I would never want this for my life either.

[Walentynka]

 

When he leaves, he goes home to his wife and you are left... questioning the relationship and your future?

 

 

Every time ;(

 

It's been 48hrs and all those feelings of doubt have vanished, I do not feel relieved, but I do miss him. I wondered if I will miss him taking me away "bachelor" style, it was fun for some part of it, that is discounting the hours he had to spend on the phone with his wife, who now I suspect she knows in a way he's was with me away, last couple of trips she seemed to call him a lot more, more often and keep him longer on the phone, for hours at the time. Him just nodding, not talking. I felt sorry for him, and some for me. I cannot believe I didn't think of it (like at the beginning of our relationship) that he was just being rude by just letting me hanging there; in a restaurant, while walking hand on hand on white sand beaches, while having dinner for my birthday, while watching Paris lights from the eiffel tower, while making love, etc, etc, etc. No wonder he hates the phone. I felt so abandoned, I told him, he said nothing. I know I have to stay away, even if I miss him, he's not good for me, I deserve better.

 

Even all of that, I have managed to block him in every social media, phone and email he's had me. I feel lost without knowing I can contact him, I miss him, I miss even the few texts, crumbs in reality.

 

I am grateful for this board and you all, I feel safe putting it all out here instead of this time running right back to him.

 

Thank you for your words.

Edited January 12, 2019 by Walentynka

[Rayce]

Hang in there. You deserve better. It's hard but NC is the way to go. I'm 6 weeks in now... I'm not crying as much and feeling much more optimistic about the future. There is lots to be learned here on these boards. I get the whole 20 year thing... but now it's time to start working on some of our social skills so we don't have another 20 year gap. I'm spending more time in the transition section now.