family drama/problems/i moved out.*need help/advice!*

[NiCoLe20]

ok- im going to take the time to write out my whole situation... things can be worse, but, for the most part, i need some insight and advice i guess...i apologize if this is boring and long lol.

 

ok- where do i begin? ill start off with things about myself. i am 20 years old (21 tomorrow everyone!!) and have a good paying stable job(union + benefits), and have been able to support myself since i was 17. i pay for all my things, including car insurance, payments, cell phone, food, gas, clothes etc. havent gotten a penny since 17 years old... my sister, on the other hand, gets everything handed to her on a silver platter. she's been arrested twice, shes 18 yrs old, and parents bought her a new car! they dont have a big of a grudge against her b/c she is an obbsessive clean freak like my mom, so she is constantly cleaning things around hte house. me on the other hand, am more relaxed, im never home, so i dont have a mess to clean when im done doing things...

 

my parents have raised me pretty good. no complaints really, accept that my father would occasionally abuse us.. a hard hit here and there, but nothing tooo bad. my mother is very manipulative and spiteful as well as controlling. she does things to me, like putting me down, or talking bad about me to other family members, to feel better about herself. she never has nothing nice to say. she's always pointing fingers at me to blame me for things, and is often rude. i try to ignore it, and when i cant i tell her how the way she is makes me depressed and sad. ic ant even remember when the last time she asked me how my day was? how was work? instead, its complaining or nagging that my clothes arent hung up, or the bathroom is dirty... stupid little things that get me upset. granted, i do it and take care of things, but theres always drama and yelling in our house. last week, i had enough...

 

so, my parents get a letter in the mail saying i ran through a toll. this wasnt true b/c the tolls by my house are screwed up. instead of asking me what happend, they accused me of being somehwere i wasnt etc... i told them i was coming home from a lady's house i work with..and somewhat gave them an attitude b/c they always accuse me of things w/o me explaining first. my mom yelled at me, and thats when i said, "look, i had enough of this, enough of the problems, im moving out."

 

so i went to go get my clothes and my mom told me to "get out now" i just got out of the shower so i was still wet and not ready. she then ran inside the bathroom and grabbed the new $200 cell phone and threatened to break it. i payed for this myself w/ my credit card and thats when i flipped. that wasnt right of what she did, so i started screaming, we both said alot of mean things to each other, and i went to go get my cell, my dad went after me liek he was going to hit me. "dont you dare touch your mother" he said when i was trying to get my belongings to get out. she gave it back and i got all my things and left. they told me to leave the key, but i didnt, and just left.

 

so, i went back there 2 days later to get my bills. i went to my room, and she already re-arranged all my furniture, and took out all of my extra clothes and did something with them. i was kind of pissed, b/c it was like she has been wanting to do that for so long. i got over it, and got my stuff and walked out.. on the way she asked "are you stopping by on ur bday for your gift?" i said i dont know yet, and she was like "whatever bye" and i left.

 

well, last night i went to my grandma's b/c i had to pick up something. i went w/ my b/f and once i got there after driving for 1hr and 30 minutes, she went right into the lecture. she said a whole bunch of private family business infront of my b/f. i was stunned. that was wrong. she said how she was beaten, and handcuffed..things i never knew. she said that i should stay home till im 25, and basically telling me what to do with my life, just like my mom. i told her, i dont want to live the way they want me to anymore. im a mature adult now, and can make the right decisions. i told her i was very unhappy living at home, and would rather live at my b/f's house. we're remodeling the whole upstairs in his house to be like our own apartment for the time being. his house is more spacious compared to mine, and im just happier living there. i DONT UNDERSTAND why anyone can be happy for me?! they aremaking it seem like i pick my b/f over the family but im not.. im just happier when im with him.. like most of us usually are in a relationship. why cant they be happy for me insteadof making me feel sad and depressed?

 

now i dont know what to do for my bday.. should i even go over there? it will be very awkward. my sister and i have been contacting each other through emails and she has said some really nasty things to me. she's saying that i never helped around the house, but now, all of a sudden i can at my b/f's. i think theyre mad b/c i can do it on my own and i can make it w/o them. they're also mad b/c i dont ''help'' around the house. cmon! thats so pathetic to be mad at me for. all iwant to do is live on my own, be happy and be my own person but without the drama... anyone have any advice or insight about my situation? thanks

[quankanne]

my thoughts? 21 is about the average age a kid makes her break or tests her wings at flying, so you moving out isn't so unusual in and of itself. The family history of problems just gives it an added dimension, albeit not a pretty one.

 

even though this is a boyfriend you're moving in with, make sure you've got all practical areas/bases covered -- what amount of rent will you be paying, what portion of utilities or bills will you cover, etc. Again, even though it's a boyfriend, you're better off entering into a contract that discusses these things so that there is no confusion or cause for problems later.

 

your family: oh boy oh boy oh boy … that's a tough one because while you may love them, they also have the potential to make your life nuts, especially if they're into the drama 'thing.' However, because you're an adult, you can call the shots on these relationships, and while it may sound cold or unfeeling, set your boundaries and stick to them. If you don't want to put up with drama or hairy BS because it really doesn't solve or add to anything, tell them in no uncertain terms that you're not going to put up with it. That you love them because they're family, but you don't have the mental energy or patience to deal with that crap. Of course, they won't like it -- they'll ignore you, they'll curse you, etc, but you've gotten your point across.

 

sometimes it's a bxtch being grown-up, but the sooner you realize that you've gotta set the boundaries or rules or standards, the more quickly things fall into place. And just because they're family doesn't give them the right to treat you like crap – love them, but don't let them get away with stuff you wouldn't put up with in anyone else.

 

though the family issue may be painful to resolve for a while, you're gonna do all right, Nicole. Simply because you've got those life skills needed to fend for yourself financially -- you're several steps ahead of the average 21-year-old! -- and because it seems like you've got a good head on your shoulders, period.

 

happy early birthday!

quank

[NiCoLe20]

thanks for the advice! i really appreciate it... i dont want to burn any bridges with them, but i can only take enough of this... i should be happy and content with my life.. not sad and depressed, and desperate times call for desperate measures and imo- i felt this was the best way to handle it.

 

if anyone else has some things to say, please do so i can really use it!

[Outcast]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You may need to stay away from them for a while Quankanne's advice was right on point; you're an adult now and able to make decisions for your own good and the sad fact may be that spending time with these people isn't good for you. They have their own issues and that's nothing you can help or fix.

 

They will try to guilt you into going over - only so that when you get there they can berate you some more. You don't need that. There's no earthly reason why you should stay home until you're 25, particularly when you're so badly treated.

 

Congratulations on the courage it has taken to leave home and begin making your own life. It will be hard that they are so unkind to you, but look to your bf and other friends for support. Sometimes we have to create our own 'family' of friends when our own families lack the ability to be supportive and loving. I suggest you take that path in your own life.

[NiCoLe20]

thanks outcast... well put i agree everything with what you guys wrote... im thinking of probably going there tomorrow to tell them the deal and why i moved... i agree that sometimes , you have to do good for yourself and do what you can to be happy but its sucks that my parents dont see it like this, they see it as betraying them

[Moose]

My .02.

 

I left at age 15. I had to. It was a matter of life and death. I left my little sis and bro there too with my mom. I felt 2" tall deserting them. Like I said, I didn't have a choice.

 

I thought they would disown me, and never talk to me again. Blood is thicker than water. Sure, they were extremely hurt and pissed. But that didn't last forever.

 

I helped put my bro through college, and got my sister out a couple years later and on her own.

 

Later, my mom finally wised up and left.

 

When we talk about it now, I'm looked upon as the wise one who had enough sense to vacate.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't worry about what your family thinks of you, and don't dwell on it either. They will have to realize sooner or later that chicks don't stay in the nest forever.

 

Like Quank said, you're becoming you right now. It's time to concentrate on what kind of person you're going to be for the rest of your life.

 

Good luck to ya~!