Depression, coping, and the loss

[Tigglesworth]

Hey all. Been lurking for a bit trying to pick up advice.

Recently broke up (dumpee) from a 2 almost 3 year relationship.

Things were fine, we got along with almost everything, and did many things together.

 

I was hesitant to move out with her many times simply on financial reasons..I fear that she felt, and feels, that I just lacked the ambition to forward what we had, and got tired of “giving me more chances” to make myself a better person.

Fast forward to now, it has been about a month since the break up, plus some change. She wanted to stay friends, and told me she misses me and still has love for me.

 

I think I got a little too desperate and crazy trying to cling on to what was left and “overwhelmed her” with my texting. We had NC for about 10 days before Christmas. I dropped off her gift I had for her already, and things seemed to go well with it. We started talking again, and she told me she had started some dating apps, but “quickly deleted them,” which stung me a bit, as it makes me feel she is ready and willing to try for someone else rather than what we had together.

 

I had begun to “get my life together” so to speak before the break up, but then something snapped, I suppose, and it all gave way, which pains me as I was making preparations and plans for us to really move out and start a life together (had, still have, an opportunity from family for cheap living in a duplex).

I suppose what I felt initially was the loss of our relationship. I steadied myself for Christmas, and really thought things were going to improve, and when she started talking to me, things felt they were. We kept things light. But then on NYE I kind of mentioned some love stuff, was sad (at home alone after a party). And she said that she almost agreed and was going to ask me to see each other in person, but since I did that, no. Talking continued for a couple days and then I guess I snapped, I was so scared to lose her completely, and now she has not responded to anything I have sent her..its been almost a week.

 

The thoughts of losing her entirely, even as a “friend” which would probably not work, and seeing her profile on POF, really sent me into a downward spiral that I am still sort of in to this day. I was trying to find someone else to talk to, maybe to ease the pain and move on faster, but I think that maybe I need to come to terms with myself as a person on all of this, rather than look for a bandaid person, who I would not give my 100%..

*Side note, I believe POF, unless you actually delete the profile, not just the app, keeps it on there. So I do not believe she is actively on those things anymore, for now. She told me she got extreme anxiety from them, and deleted them. Which just fuels my hope that I can get her back..

 

I recently left her the last of her belongings I could find (for now), along with some of her favorite treats. She had told me she was going through a lot of pain the week following Christmas, so I wanted to help her feel better (I had left a gift basket so to speak before, and she really appreciated it).

What am I hoping from this drop off of gifts now? I’m not sure. I think I just want closure from her.

 

What keeps my hope going over all of this info, is that she told me she didn’t want to see me in person when it all started (I wanted to talk about it right away) was that she was scared her emotions would make her do “things she should not”, which leads me to believe in my heart that she still loves me and would want to reconcile. I believe that is what has sent me on this new downward spiral is that I destroyed what little chance I had at sparking something up between us again, that I was so close to being able to see her again in person.

 

I suppose with the treats and her stuff (along with some of our oldest love notes from the dawn of our relationship, maybe I’m hoping they will make her remember, either way, I did not want them anymore, in case the more probable path is happening) that I dropped off I am hoping that she will talk to me again, as friends, and we could still get to see each other in person, and I can find that closure I want. That if nothing happened when we met up, I would know to get over it all completely.

 

But with one week of silence with honestly no warning..I have entered a true state of depression: I avoid people, I do not eat, I wake up 4-5 times throughout the night and then stay awake for half hour or so..I’ve been downing melatonin like candy to put myself to sleep. I’ve lost interest in the things I used to enjoy, and I have no motivation besides to keep trying to chisel away at the stone around her heart now.

 

I just think I need someone looking in from the outside to tell me what to do. I left her the care package, but received no message back (as expected from a week of silence from her, she hasnt blocked my number). Last time I did this though, she said thank you many hours after I dropped it off.

 

How do I cope with this excruciatingly painful silence? I just want her to respond to me, with anything honestly. The thought of us going from talking everyday and caring so much about each other to this silence is driving me, well, insane.

I’ve tried meditating, working out, but nothing is helping. The nights are especialy the worst.

 

Many years ago. I ended a relationship of 7 years with a girl that had cheated on me. I remained in contact with her for about a year before I finally started NC one day. I didnt tell her it was happening. She didnt reach out to me though..but I still never told her the truth of how I felt about us. That although I missed her immensely, I could never get back with her (problems between her and my friends and family). Even though she cheated, and she apologized and begged for us to be together, those underlying problems made my heart stone.

My point of this tangent story is that I cannot help but feel that what I am experiencing now (which I am so, sorry for what I did to her. I should have told her how I felt, before starting NC) is a sort of karma punishment for what I had done to someone prior. No one deserves this open ended wondering of what will happen, and clinging onto a sliver of hope. But it was so hard for me to tell her the truth, and for me to let go of someone who was such a big part of my life.

 

But I cant help but hope, with what current break up ex has told me - That she misses me, still has love, can’t help but say things like “when me and anon would get this food” instead of just her. She said she was in pain as well, but I am not too sure since she had made the dating things very shortly after we broke up, and maybe it is just the pain of a loss of the things we had and shared together.

 

Am I holding onto a dream? I keep telling her I am always here, that I can and would make the changes further along she would like to see (I was already doing it), but I fear she does not believe me or is, most likely, tired of trying?

How do I deal with this silence being pushed upon me when I have so much left to say?

Thanks for reading, big storm in my mind right now.

[amaysngrace]

Talk is cheap. Actions are what count.

 

It doesn’t matter if you still have more to say if she’s grown tired of hearing it.