Need clarity bad....

[Tigger73]

I ended a very confusing relationship of 8 months with someone I really loved. Problem was there were confusing things that happened from the start and cont. I’m going to give examples and pick your brains on what I could possibly even call this.

 

it started out fast and furious. Met on Zoosk and fell madly in ‘love’. He’s 56 and never married. Longtime relationship and lost her to a bad illness

 

I found things early on in his computer that he was having sex w her best friend while she was dying in the house ... found lots of sexting with other women while she was sick. Tons of pics on computer of women. He told me he was only with 3 women in his life... I didn’t even ask and later find out he’s been with hundreds.... would hang up the phone when I would walk in the room and tel me it was a dropped work call and I could tell he was lying later told me it was an ex girlfriend .... always clicking off computer or phone when I walk int the room.. days when we were apart he would not answer phone for hours and lie about never getting my calls.... lie about going to the bar and convincing me he was home and take a pic of him at home and show me when he was really at the bar Always oogling women Bad.I am not insecure and I am attractive but would tell me I didn’t see what I saw. It happened all the time Drinks vodka straight out of the bottle all day.

 

He works from home. We ended up living together him here of course not paying rent or anything no bills White lies all along but in the same sentence tell me how much he loves me and I’ll never know how much.... so I would think ok he’s not that bad.

 

Called my kids who are really good kids snot nosed mth f-ers.... and they are really good kids...

 

Flirt with my aunt ... ignore me at parties but have his arm around a female friend because he’s friendly that way. Never his arm around me ... only in bed I guess. When we would be apart for a few days he would come back hyper sexual,almost seemed like a different man. Asking me to do weird things that we never did ... and I’m not a prude. Viagra pills missing ...

 

I have beat myself up over not sure I should have ended it all because he said he Loves me. Lame on my part What do you all think of this ? Anytime he was caught in a lie even a stupid lie he would blow up and say wtf are you talking about? And that honestly made me second guess myself. Like did I really see what I saw? Or hear what I heard? I started to feel crazy. I really need advice that this was ok for me to Not be ok with

Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[FMW]

If what you wrote is accurate, then of course you were right to end it. Good grief. What you describe is a disgusting guy.

 

Saying he loves you is meaningless if he does the things you described. That may be the only way he is capable of loving, but it's not real or healthy love.

 

Don't look back.

[RecentChange]

Of course it’s good you are not with him.

 

The bigger question, the bigger problem is that you were with him at all.

 

He’s a cheat, disrespectful etc - why for a moment did you ever think you deserved such a crappy guy?

 

Love is an action not a word - he told you he loved you, but by his actions he showed that he clearly didn’t. And by accepting that kind of treatment, I think you must struggle with loving yourself.

 

I think you have some real soul searching to do. Why did you ever allow yourself to be treated this way. Why did the words “I love you” make emotional abuse acceptable?

 

You need to get to the bottom of those questions otherwise you will be destined to find yourself blinded by an abusive relationship again.

[Zahara]

Raise your standards and boundaries. When you do that, you won’t sit there questioning whether it was the right decision leaving what obviously was a lousy partner and unfulfilling relationship.

 

“Love” isn’t enough. Just because a man spews he loves you but treats you horribly in every other way doesn’t justify staying with him. Is that what “love” means to you? You need to believe you deserve much more than this.

[Tigger73]

And there in lies the problem. 45 yo. Raised by narcissist mother and then married one. And ever since, no boundaries or idea what healthy is. That is priority because you are right..... I keep repeating it. And I have no idea why I ruminate about this breakup. I’ve learned a new term ... gaslighting... and I think that was going on too. Crazy making. Crazy crazy making.

[d0nnivain]

I was going to say I don't understand why you are confused. This guy has bad news written all over him. Then I read that you have no idea what healthy looks like. Now it makes more sense. On the easy side this is not healthy.

 

A healthy respectful man:

 

* tells the truth

 

* is trust worthy

 

* is kind

 

Start from there.

[Tigger73]

I have a question. Something that confused me that happened in the beginning of the relationship. We were grilling out one night... ex got a phone call and I could tell it wasn’t work because he answered real sweet and said ‘ what are you doin?’......he immediately gets up and goes to the other side of the house... outside. Burgers needed taken off and I walked around the side and he was smiling and chatty and saw me and just stopped talking. Mid sentence. I told him burgers are done... he just puts his finger on the end button and hangs up... no goodbye nothing. I ask him who was that? ‘ oh it was a dropped call from Dan in Denver and we got disconnected’. I said that wasn’t work and he launches into this big story that the company is having problems w phones and dropped calls all the time.... he proceeds to go into the bathroom and deletes the call.. the number. He comes out and I asked him to see the call log. There was nothing from that time. The whole evening I’m on edge and knowing he was lying because I also have the empath curse and can feel that.....I hardly sleep and the next morning he goes... ok I’m going to tell you who that was .... and ex girlfriend from wherever. He said he lied because he didn’t want me to get mad. So. I bought it. Not comfortably but I took the blame on that one So with that said..... was it ok for him to lie like this out of fear I would be mad? That’s not ok right? I was made to believe it was my fault that he had to lie..... and another time he was deleting text messages from his late companions best friend who he screwed and he said he deleted them because he didn’t want me to read into anything. First and foremost, the man guards his phone w his life. There is nothing more sacred to him believe me. Anyway. Is it ever ok to lie like this and could they have been harmless situations ? My gut was screaming at me. So uncomfortable.

[Tigger73]

Oh. And then tells me he didn’t even call that woman back that he hung up on, she never called back to see what happened why he hung up.... it was just left at that! I call bull****. That makes no sense.

[d0nnivain]

You didn't need the empath curse to figure out you were being lied to. The facts were right there, no interpretation needed.

 

You also said you gut was screaming at you.

 

Where you went wrong was not believing your own eyes & ears plus failing to listen to your guy.

 

When they lie to your face, believe they are no longer worth your time. Do not let yourself invest more. Try giving yourself the benefit of the doubt that you are worthy of a healthy loving relationship instead of cutting liars, cheats & scumbags breaks.

[FMW]

Even though you didn't have a good role model for relationships, it does sound like your instincts are working quite well. The problem it appears is that you don't listen to those instincts or trust what you're feeling.

 

There is a ton of information on the internet, self-help articles, etc. about learning to trust yourself and have healthy boundaries. Spend some time reading them, it's a great free resource that can be very enlightening.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, please don't date again until you've spent a good, long while building up your self-worth and developing a strong sense of boundaries.

 

You know he has other girlfriends. You know he is an alcoholic. You know he is terrible to your children. You know he used you for a lot of different things. You know he doesn't give a crap about you.

 

You admit you don't know what healthy love looks like, and sadly, that seems to be correct. You first need to work on redefining what love means to you and why you have accepted such poor treatment.

 

Unless and until you get to the bottom of why there's even a shred of doubt in your mind that all of this was unacceptable, you will find yourself with the same type of loser again and again. Time to love yourself enough to stay single and fall in love with yourself before you let any more men into your life.

[Tigger73]

Everything you all have said is 100% right. My oldest...21 yr old daughter who has Massive boundaries, so healthy ... found the most respectful guy. She’s doing Life fabulously and owns it. It’s how I raised her. I told her and gave her everything I didn’t get or hear. I really believe if you don’t instill it when they are young it sets up this cycle that I AM hellbent on breaking. It’s more than time. I know that. 2019. This is the year.

[Mrs._December]

I have beat myself up over not sure I should have ended it all because he said he Loves me.

I think sometimes we're so far into the forest that we can no longer see the trees. That's where I think you are at this point. No longer able to see the pit you've allowed yourself to sink down into with this parasite.

 

These are the things you lost while you were in this horrifically toxic relationship:

 

• the loss of your pride
  
• the loss of your dignity
  
• the loss of your self respect
  
• the loss of emotional security because he was never trustworthy
  
• the loss of your ability to be a good parent - because if you didn't boot his ass right out the door the second he said that about your own kids, then you lost the ability to be a good and protective parent
  
• the loss of your ability to be a good parent (2nd mention) because if your kids live with you then your FIRST priority should be to provide a healthy, safe environment for them to be in, not one where your shiftless, worthless boyfriend is drinking all day and chasing skirts every chance he gets
  
• the loss of your ability to be a good parent (3rd mention) because you allowed this parasite to live off you and not pay a DIME toward the household which means your children likely went without so you could provide this loser with booze and everything else
  
• the loss of your ability to be a good parent (4th mention) because it's your JOB to model a respectful, healthy adult relationship for them and you weren't doing that - instead, you were allowing yourself to get swallowed up by a using parasite who didn't show you the respect most of us show a stranger on the street and letting your children watch you do it
  
• the possible loss of your sexual health (I hope you've had weekly STD testing because this guy would literally screw anything if he could hold it down long enough)
  
• the loss of perspective - you lost the ability to see how unhealthy your situation was
  

Sadly, you have lowered your standards so much that this horrible situation has become your 'new normal.' It's anything but normal.

 

You keep fixating on totally irrelevant things like the day of the barbecue and what you think he was doing. He was doing what he's been doing since the day he MET you - being a snake. You're fixating on things that just don't matter in the end. They DON'T. You need to look at the bigger picture - that maybe now you can finally begin to work towards giving you and your children a healthier life.

[smackie9]

Tigger73 I'm rooting for you. I hope 2019 will be the year you stand tall, and find someone who truly will respect you.

[Orokotikki]

So glad to hear you left such a repulsive jerk.

The others are right, there were many huge red flags which should have been dealbreakers.

Whats past is past, I wish you all strength and confidence to learn and grow.

He did not love or respect you at all.

He just used words to manipulate and hurt you - sounds 100% like he was playing several women at once.