Separated, husband or boyfriend?

[Supasta]

Kindly advice with the following. I was traditionally married in 2013, had a baby with husband in 2014, then we separated in March this year. I met him in 2007, so we’ve been together for about 11years. He was ‘my first’.Then, I started dating a guy I met at a mental health private clinic/institution with (experienced severe depression after my separation, felt like a failure, lost my job due to this, lost my little family and husband). So, now I started dating this guy from the clinic in September this year. We had sex. It was mind-blowing, still is. I have fallen completely in love with him, and he treats me like a queen

 

In December my husband came back crawling, and asked me if we could try and fix our marriage. I obviously agreed without a doubt in my mind. I wanted my little family back. He insisted I break it off with the guy from the clinic, which I did.

But now, I am EXTREMELY UNHAPPY. My husband has not changed his ways, he doesn’t see me. I hate having sex with him. I even stopped sleeping with him and I told him we mustn’t rush into moving in back together just yet. I am not happy with him.

 

For the last week, the guy from the clinic has been coming to visit me and sleeping over and we’ve just been really having a lot of fun together like we always do. And then of course the amazing sex. I really love this guy. He gets me.

 

Now, my conscious is killing me. How do I break it off officially with my husband. My family, and he’s family will be so disappointed (and I know he will put all the blame on me). WHAT ABOUT MY DAUGHTER???? She loves her dad, and she was happy seeing us spending time together. I don’t want to put my little angel through turmoil. What should I do? Please help. Any/all advice welcomed, just brutal honesty please. Thank you.

Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to S&D

[ExpatInItaly]

Think about what you will do if you leave your husband again, and then this new guy bails. Will you be happy on your own? Can you get by on your own?

 

You have known the new guy only a few months. There is not enough foundation to assume this will be a lasting relationship yet, so if you plan on leaving your husband, make sure you're doing it because you want the marriage to be over and not because you think this new guy is a sure bet and the ticket to happiness. You don't know that yet, and like any relationship, the potential for failure is there. He might be great, but you need to make sure you're not jumping into this with blinders on and no Plan B if things don't work out.

 

My advice would be to either commit to your marriage and cut off all contact with this other guy, or formally separate from your husband and establish yourself on your own two feet before even attempting a relationship. Take care of your mental health.

 

What was this other man seeking treatment in the clinic for, by the way?

[Supasta]

I feel like I have wasted my youth on my husband. I gave him 11 years of my life, and he treated me like s***, through and through. I'm just so tired of him, impatient with him, I don't love him the way I used to.

 

I have considered being single for a while, for my own sanity. I found a new job, I am able to take care of myself and I have my own personal goals that don't include either of these two men. However, I am a very sexual being. I LOVE sex, and when it's good, I want it on the regular. It helps me relieve stress.

 

So at the clinic, when my lover arrived there he said he's just 'fatigued'. He works very hard (IT programming or something like that), travels a lot, no kids, has never been married and we are the same age (31).. After some days of getting to know him, I discovered that he is a recovering alcoholic, recovering drug addict, and has type 2 bipolar. However, with all of this mentioned, he knows how to treat and love a lady, he just makes it seem so easy to love me, and I love that.

 

My husband on the other hand, has sex with me like it's an obligation. When we 'got back together' in Dec, and had sex, the first thing he said afterwards was that I must do kegel exercises. I did not have sex with him after that incident. He also doesn't take me out at all, even when I offer to pay for the bill, he would rather we all stay at home, while he games (playstation FIFA) all day while I cook and clean and play with our daughter. He never wants to go to friends or family gatherings, complains that I drink too much. Basically, he complains about anything and everything. Never compliments me. Im just...not really that into him right now.

[AriesDude]

Yeah telling a lady you think she needs kegel exercises is like telling a man that he needs a D-size pump or some of those really expensive pills you get from wink wink clinics or viagra on a daily basis. Not appropriate for anyone to tell you that...even after 20 years together...

 

I agree with Expat completely though, if you truly feel like your ex husband is just gonna hurt you and put all kinds of blame on you it would be best to leave...but make sure it's because you see no other way to fix the relationship. Don't leave for the lover...the chances that he might have someone else in his life that he sees or that he might not see you the same way you look at him is not low in cases like these. stage 2 bipolar people are finicky like indecisive or impatient people and can get bored of stuff fast unless he has fallen for you or sees a real connection which you can worry about after sorting out the hubby first.

 

So just be careful but yea follow your heart girl. Remember, staying in the marriage just for your child is not better for the child either.

[Wallysbears]

If you have been in and out of a mental health clinic, then I presume you have therapists or such?

 

Talk to them.

 

This is a bad decision and you should not be involved with a person from the clinic.

[ExpatInItaly]

So at the clinic, when my lover arrived there he said he's just 'fatigued'. He works very hard (IT programming or something like that), travels a lot, no kids, has never been married and we are the same age (31).. After some days of getting to know him, I discovered that he is a recovering alcoholic, recovering drug addict, and has type 2 bipolar. However, with all of this mentioned, he knows how to treat and love a lady, he just makes it seem so easy to love me, and I love that.

 

I think you need to pump the brakes a bit here, OP. Remember that this is all still the honeymoon phase and you two haven't known each other long. I know it feels good to have someone admire you, but it seems you are getting caught up in the thrill of a new relationship without really knowing the person yet.

 

This is complicated by the fact that he's got some serious issues he's dealing with, and it's likely a current part his life if he was seeking help just a few months ago. How long has he been clean and sober? What sort of drugs did he use?

 

I realize people can and do overcome addictions and successfully manage their desire to indulge in substances. The same for sufferers of bi-polar; with the right ongoing care and treatment, it can be managed. However, you are going to need a lot more time to see where he's at with all of this. Please don't get ahead of yourself. Speak to a therapist who knows you and listen to their professional advice on this one.

[Supasta]

I feel like my main motivation with trying to work things out with my husband, is my daughter. She is so happy when we are all together. I love seeing her happy. Part of me is extremely tempted to just bare my husband, and continue with my lover. But I know hat's not the right thing to do. I don't think it's fair to judge a person because of their past (referring to lover). He is a recovering addict, and I haven't picked up any kind of abuse of substances from him. Did I mention that we really jell well in bed, we really have amazing sex. I think I also like him a lot because I didn't really date much in my 20's, I met my husband when I was 19 and I've been with him ever since. I am seeing my psychiatrist next week so maybe that will help make sense of all of this. I just don't understand why people that I love (my husband and daughter) , must be hurt purely because of my happiness.. Isn't that a bit selfish....?!

[ExpatInItaly]

<snip> He is a recovering addict, and I haven't picked up any kind of abuse of substances from him. Did I mention that we really jell well in bed, we really have amazing sex. <snip>

 

So? Sexual chemistry does not make a relationship, OP. Again, I know it feels good comparing it to the lackluster marriage, but you need to think with your head and not just your heart and lust here. A lot of folks have amazing sex; it does not necessarily mean they make great partners.

 

It's also not about judging someone's past. It's about informing yourself and making responsible choices. You say you haven't picked up any substance abuse issues from him, which may be true, but you've known him a very short time. He might be well past the drugs, but again, the point is that you have relatively little information to go on. Nobody can know someone well in 4 months.

 

The chances that your lover will stick around long if you stay married are slim, to be frank. He'll eventually get tired of being a secret, part-time lover and move on.

Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Supasta]

Thank you..

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think it's fair to judge a person because of their past (referring to lover).

 

Aren't you judging your husband based on his past?

 

Supasta, Expat is exactly right - you'll never know the truth about your marriage as long as you have the distraction of this other relationship. So whether you stay with your husband or not, that outcome should be established on its own, without interference from anyone else. And if your concerned about your BF's feelings, your current yo-yo approach doesn't give him much chance for happiness either.

 

So decide on your marriage, either all-in or all-out. Once clarified, you'll have an easier path forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

After some days of getting to know him, I discovered that he is a recovering alcoholic, recovering drug addict, and has type 2 bipolar. However, with all of this mentioned, he knows how to treat and love a lady, he just makes it seem so easy to love me, and I love that.

 

You definitely need to pump the breaks here. Seriously - not one, not two, but THREE really big red flags waiving at you!

 

With all due respect, you are in the honeymoon phase of this new relationship. It's unfair to assess your husband and your marriage based on the fact that you have all these wonderful butterflies circling this other man...

 

My advice, you need to be single. You need to evaluate your marriage on its own merit, and if you decide to end it you need to focus on creating some stability for yourself and your child. Do NOT introduce a man to your daughter when you don't know if you are coming/going from either relationship and if I may - heed the warning. Those are some pretty big red flags he is waving... Don't rush into anything too quickly. If not only for yourself, for your child. As they say, act in haste and repent at leisure...

[vla1120]

Please trust me on this. There is no way you can be happy going back to your husband NOR being with this new lover until you sort out your own issues and feel comfortable in your own skin. I understand that your daughter is happy when her parents are together. Your daughter will be even happier if her mom is truly happy. You are not responsible for your husband's happiness, his family's happiness, nor your new lover's happiness.

 

You don't really mention what led to the separation. Since you suffered severe depression afterwards, was the separation initiated by your husband? Do you still love him? Is it worth salvaging? Would couples counseling help, do you think?

 

Of course the shiny new boyfriend looks MUCH more attractive than the old worn-out relationship with your first love. As far as the amazing sex, I don't know. There are battery-operated devices that (sorry, not sorry), with a little imagination and your eyes closed, can give almost the same experience and they don't come with addictions or bi-polar disorder. I don't think it's a good idea (at all) for you to remain involved with your new lover in any capacity.