Girlfriend about to break up

[sant]

Hi Guys,

I have been together with my girlfriend for nearly 5 years. The last couple of months I became very clingy, needy, didnt trust her and was seeking validation almos daily. I have started working with a therapist to resolve my issues but probably have lost her attraction to me in the meantime.

Now she wants space. She cant tell me if she wants to continue the relastionship or end it. I am a wreck and obv. made the mistake of calling her and beeing need and clingy again.

 

I now realise, that if i want any chance of saving the relationship, i need to get back to my old me. To be confident and stop beeing so needy.

I wont text or write her now, and when she wants to talk, i will tell her that I need a couple of days more.

 

What do you guys think ? I really want to save the relationship.

 

Thank You !

[ExpatInItaly]

I now realise, that if i want any chance of saving the relationship, i need to get back to my old me. To be confident and stop beeing so needy.

I wont text or write her now, and when she wants to talk, i will tell her that I need a couple of days more.

What do you guys think ? I really want to save the relationship.

 

Why do you want to do this? Do you really think you will need a couple days, or is this some misguided strategy to try to show her that you are not needy?

 

What happened in the last few months that you became more clingy? Was she growing more distant during this time and your response was to seek reassurance?

[Twizzlestick]

Take a step back dude before you start berating yourself tooo much with that whip. There’s always more to it.

 

A good thing you mention your neediness. A lot of folk have a real hard time any responsibility for what they do! But don’t beat yourself up. You’ve not committed the crime of the century and a rele is two people and I bet my hat there’s more to this to get you to that point the last few months.

 

If in isolation your neediness is causing problems for the partner then how that’s handled by the other person rests with them. They very much have a dog in the fight too.

 

I personally can’t abide when people go cold and “need a break” followed by shoe gazing self absorbed introspection in a serious relationship. Er, at that point you’re not relating. It’s utter balls behaviour. It starts turning what could be a molehill into Olympus. And it’s pretty abusive when the alternative is to talk.

 

excuses/gender/age/height (insert excuse) be damned if folk are adult. God gave a mouth, two ears, eyes and non verbal coms skills. A rele consists of two. When folk enter a loving relationship they have a responsibility for their actions and putting the work in. That includes communicating in an appropriate way. If they hint, tip, run little tests, shoe gaze and it tanks then they’re equally culpable for being rubbish at putting the donkey work into a serious rele.

 

Effective coms means the receiver can actually understand what’s they are inferring. Hinting are testing are as much use as sunroofs on submarines. It’s why when you get Pre marriage counselling emphasises is in bold that relationships “need work” and “comms”. The loving parties smile, agree and then drift back to thinking about the colour of the napkins on the big day..

 

Anyway. Enough moaning about exes who do that (can’t half tell I’ve recently been there) ...

 

I’m no expert on how to handle when folk start this rubbish. But I have been in your shoes recently.

 

Back off and give space. She’s asked for it. Do exactly that. If she reaches out just be positive, airy and avoid bringing up the issues. If she does reach out whatever you do, don’t say you need a “few days more”. Just be positive, not needy and open to talking.

 

Feel your pain, been on the end of it myself. It messes you up. What sometimes happens is they reel you back in by flipping back to normal with reassurance about the situation to stop you walking. Then do a flip and start backing off again. The cycle can end up repeating for ages. It’s messed up. It’s like a cat with a mouse.

 

Try and get in the mindset it’s over. Brace yourself for it. Just leave her be and move on with your life. If she thinks you’re disappearing she might actually come round to you as it will be the opposite of “neediness”.

 

Check our “coach Warren” on YouTube. He’s pretty good for empowering inspiration when folk run out on you. Non of that “get your ex back” rubbish.

 

A huge important point. There’s prob a reason you don’t yet understand why your subconscious drove you to neediness. It isn’t necessarily your fault. Normal balanced loving People can be driven to worry by imposed, subtle cold behaviours. Don’t fall for the lie your mind will parrot that it was necessarily all down to you. Only you will know in the fullness of time what got you to that point.

 

God bless and good luck.

Edited January 11, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[d0nnivain]

You fix a failing relationship by open & honest communication. Silence, distance & "space" cause more problems. With you out of her life, not begging & pleading or looking for daily reassurance, she is breathing a huge sigh of relief & being thankful she doesn't have to deal with your insecurities. She's also getting reassurance that she can make it without you. Meanwhile you are freaking out more.

 

I know I recommend flowers a lot but they are a cliché for a reason: they work. No I'm not a florist. Anyway, I'd send her a bouquet with a note that says something like:

 

 

Dearest

GF

 

Don't give up on me, on us. I know I have been a handful & my demons are tough for you to deal with. I recognize they have put a strain on our relationship but I do love you. I am in therapy. I am working to get back to the confident guy you fell in love with. Hang in there with me because the one constant has always been my love and admiration for you.

 

Have dinner with me at [her favorite restaurant] on [date]?

 

All my love, sant

 

Then do back off knowing you have this date set up. Make it extra special for her. Dress up. Wear cologne. Open doors for her. Pull out her chair. In short romance the panties off her & do not talk at all about what a cling-on you have been. Discuss your fears & insecurities with your therapist, not your GF.

[brent878]

Take a step back dude before you start berating yourself tooo much with that whip. There’s always more to it.

 

A good thing you mention your neediness. A lot of folk have a real hard time any responsibility for what they do! But don’t beat yourself up. You’ve not committed the crime of the century and a rele is two people and I bet my hat there’s more to this to get you to that point the last few months.

 

If in isolation your neediness is causing problems for the partner then how that’s handled by the other person rests with them. They very much have a dog in the fight too.

 

I personally can’t abide when people go cold and “need a break” followed by shoe gazing self absorbed introspection in a serious relationship. Er, at that point you’re not relating. It’s utter balls behaviour. It starts turning what could be a molehill into Olympus. And it’s pretty abusive when the alternative is to talk.

 

excuses/gender/age/height (insert excuse) be damned if folk are adult. God gave a mouth, two ears, eyes and non verbal coms skills. A rele consists of two. When folk enter a loving relationship they have a responsibility for their actions and putting the work in. That includes communicating in an appropriate way. If they hint, tip, run little tests, shoe gaze and it tanks then they’re equally culpable for being rubbish at putting the donkey work into a serious rele.

 

Effective coms means the receiver can actually understand what’s they are inferring. Hinting are testing are as much use as sunroofs on submarines. It’s why when you get Pre marriage counselling emphasises is in bold that relationships “need work” and “comms”. The loving parties smile, agree and then drift back to thinking about the colour of the napkins on the big day..

 

Anyway. Enough moaning about exes who do that (can’t half tell I’ve recently been there) ...

 

I’m no expert on how to handle when folk start this rubbish. But I have been in your shoes recently.

 

Back off and give space. She’s asked for it. Do exactly that. If she reaches out just be positive, airy and avoid bringing up the issues. If she does reach out whatever you do, don’t say you need a “few days more”. Just be positive, not needy and open to talking.

 

Feel your pain, been on the end of it myself. It messes you up. What sometimes happens is they reel you back in by flipping back to normal with reassurance about the situation to stop you walking. Then do a flip and start backing off again. The cycle can end up repeating for ages. It’s messed up. It’s like a cat with a mouse.

 

Try and get in the mindset it’s over. Brace yourself for it. Just leave her be and move on with your life. If she thinks you’re disappearing she might actually come round to you as it will be the opposite of “neediness”.

 

Check our “coach Warren” on YouTube. He’s pretty good for empowering inspiration when folk run out on you. Non of that “get your ex back” rubbish.

 

A huge important point. There’s prob a reason you don’t yet understand why your subconscious drove you to neediness. It isn’t necessarily your fault. Normal balanced loving People can be driven to worry by imposed, subtle cold behaviours. Don’t fall for the lie your mind will parrot that it was necessarily all down to you. Only you will know in the fullness of time what got you to that point.

 

God bless and good luck.

 

This. a thousand times this.

 

This man (woman?) speaks the absolute truth. If you "love" someone, especially after 5 years, them becoming needy or clingy because you've backed off or shown disinterest isn't in fact needy or clingy: It's NORMAL.

 

I was in therapy in a situation where I was married, but was having an emotional (and sort of physical) affair with another woman. I am not proud of it. Anyway, one day I said to my therapist "I want to be with my wife but she is just so clingy and needy. She follows me around the house. When I touch my phone she gets anxiety etc. She has serious attachment issues". To which my therapist, rightfully, replied "That's not needy. That's not clingy. She is sensing something is off, and it is. Her reaction is normal. It's you that has the problem."

 

Looking back on that situation, it WAS me that had the problem. She wasn't needy. She just loved me and was fearful of the relationship ending (which it ultimately did) because I was withdrawn. People don't get to be needy and clingy when they feel full and satisfied and loved in relationships. It is not "cool" or "alpha" to not care when someone you love backs away and starts acting weird.

 

Don't beat yourself. Your reaction was/is normal. You shouldn't rush to fix something with someone that has caused you so much stress and pain.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I don't have much advice to the OP other than hang in there and don't give up.

 

 

If she loves you after your troubled problems, then she'll be there for you ultimately.

[sant]

First, thank you guys!

 

You were right, there is more to it. 3 Months ago I saw Messages from her, sexting with another guy, writing about how they can keep it a secret from me and she even sent an intimite picture. When i confronted her she cried and begged me not to leave her. She told me what I read was just fantasy, just a scenario in her head and that it had nothing to do with me and that she would never cheat. I believed her because she never lied to me before..as far as I know. But of course after that I became more clingy, needy and so on. I know you think I should just breakt it up, but were all humans that make mistakes and forgive .She said something like it will never happen again and I truly believe her (or want to ). I still see a ton of potential for our relationship.

I know you think the reason for her behaviour now is another guy. I dont think that is the case. I asked her. She has no reason to lie, she could just break up and be with another man if she wanted to. And, i Am not proud of it, but I went trough her phone one night and couldnt find any evidence of another man.

 

Maybe I am holding on to a Fantasy here and the Relationship is over since the incident. But I just cant bring myself to let go of her or our potential future..

[Twizzlestick]

 

Maybe I am holding on to a Fantasy here and the Relationship is over since the incident. But I just cant bring myself to let go of her or our potential future..

 

On paper. Well I talk for ages to my old man who’s a vicar about such things. He’s seen it all, hatches, matches and dispatches. He sees the regrets at the end of life and the joy at new life. So I can apply some of what he’s previously told me about such things...

 

No it isn’t necessarily over because of that. There’s no rules to reles. They’re private things. Often what we think is a serious issue, isn’t really when one looks back over a life when real serious things knock at your door such as disease etc. Its personal to people how various challenges in life are perceived. Issues such that you two have can pale into mere blips in a life. But being able to have that opportunity comes with one huuuge caveat.....

 

It’s down to what folk forgive in relationships, genuine remorse at unacceptable behaviour and how folk relate together. Over a lifetime everyone errs in some fashion. For example It might not be flirting but could be acting with indifference to a loved one. Ask lots of old people and I bet their reles weren’t plain sailing.

 

But all that is by the by. In your situation most importantly it’s down to HER to take ownership and work with you. And secondly only you can determine if you can move past it. But regardless it takes coming together in a spirit of forgiveness, genuine acceptance of actions and a determination in coming together as close partners moving forward. You’re willing but she’s not pulling her weight. So the above isn’t happening. You cannot do it on your own.

 

Consider this. You offered the hand of forgiveness and companionship in your relationship after her actions. Your demeanour - naturally was affected because you love and aren’t made of wood. Has she offered you the same hand of grace in return? No, she takes herself away in self absorption leaving you alone puzzled with all the pain of the world on your shoulders.

 

She’s handling it badly. It’s going to tank at this rate. Given she was already looking at others the fact and now she’s responding to your natural behaviour by taking herself off into a cave is a bad sign, a sign that she’s not willing to work on it properly/take ownership of her part/ work on it as a team. Or she’s just not got the brass balls to end it properly and is now trying to string you. Not to mention, given form, going cold doesn’t exactly instill confidence in her words that it was a “one off”. It’s about the worse thing she could have done after her pants were caught figuratively down. A bystander might even question what exactly she is up to whilst you’re sweating it out hanging on the hook.

 

You can’t fix this by yourself. It’s not your fault. Keep your self pride in this, encourage her to come together with you to work on this Er, “blip”. If she’s still sitting in her cave staring at her shoes, mentally exit stage left and look after yourself. Don’t beat yourself up taking guilt for all this one...

Edited January 11, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[d0nnivain]

She's already at least on a slippery slope to cheating. If she begged for you back then & now she's grown cold, he's winning the battle for her heart, mind & body. If it's not a specific him she's at least on the path to wanting somebody who is not you. Sorry. Flowers & a nice note probably won't fix this; neither will all the therapy & self confidence building in the world. The damage has already been done -- she lost that spark.

[preraph]

Why have you turned from confident to needy and insecure? What happened? ED? Cheating? What?

[ExpatInItaly]

I know you think the reason for her behaviour now is another guy. I dont think that is the case. I asked her. She has no reason to lie, she could just break up and be with another man if she wanted to. And, i Am not proud of it, but I went trough her phone one night and couldnt find any evidence of another man.

 

Sorry man, but I think you are wrong about this.

 

She might not be sure he wants to actually date her yet, so she hasn't dumped you altogether, but her behaviour is not that of someone who cares much about you anymore.

 

Even if it's not him specifically, she is detached enough from you that she is on the hunt for your replacement. I think you are going to find that you're about to meet the end of your chapter with her.

[d0nnivain]

Why have you turned from confident to needy and insecure? What happened? ED? Cheating? What?

 

She was sexting another guy. The OP tried to break up. The stbx begged him to stay & it was a bad idea. The whole foundation of their relationship has been eroded & now the poor guy is trying to figure out why it's his fault he feels insecure. Duh . . . .

 

sant -- save on therapy. The problem is not you. The problem is you know she's looking for other guys but she wants to monkey branch. Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. End this. It's not working for you.

[soloman]

Hi Guys,

I have been together with my girlfriend for nearly 5 years. The last couple of months I became very clingy, needy, didnt trust her and was seeking validation almos daily. I have started working with a therapist to resolve my issues but probably have lost her attraction to me in the meantime.

Now she wants space. She cant tell me if she wants to continue the relastionship or end it. I am a wreck and obv. made the mistake of calling her and beeing need and clingy again.

 

I now realise, that if i want any chance of saving the relationship, i need to get back to my old me. To be confident and stop beeing so needy.

I wont text or write her now, and when she wants to talk, i will tell her that I need a couple of days more.

 

What do you guys think ? I really want to save the relationship.

 

Thank You !

 

space is very important, just let her breath, and from the sounds of it you need space from her aswell, youve become addicted to her. i look at it as if you 2 are in the middle of the ocean, you forgot how to swim, so your holding onto her while she struggles to keep you afloat. start hanging out with friends, and just let the dust settle, relax and stop worrying so much

[Twizzlestick]

. i look at it as if you 2 are in the middle of the ocean, you forgot how to swim, so your holding onto her while she struggles to keep you afloat.

 

Good analogy!

 

I see it more like she was pushing him under the surface to stay afloat, he pops up gasping in disbelief, she spots a ship and has now made a paddle break leaving him to drown.

 

You def need yourself back OP. Look in the mirror and remind yourself that regardless of how much you love her, you’re worth more than being treated like this. She’s taking the mick in my opinion with this “break” carry on, after getting her hand caught in the sweet jar.

 

 

Especially after her catalogue browsing for other men. Seriously mate. It’s up to her to come to you. You going to her wouldn’t and isn’t working anyway. She’s got you down as “Mr easily available if I wish”.

 

All the mention of “neediness” is a red herring sandwiched between two dramas caused by this girl. Your worry was Er, normal behaviour after something like that. Quite honestly if someone were caught looking at others and then went into hiding they’re not really deserving of your attention. A lot of folk would’ve told her to sling her hook. She’s lucky to have a partner who’s adult and forgiving. Rare find. She’s taking advantage of your good nature now with this silent treatment. So you back right off and look after number one. She is.

 

Start hitting the gym, going for walks, seeing friends you haven’t seen etc. You won’t feel like it (I don’t - I know your pain). But it reminds you that you’re your own person for a little moment at a time. I swear people feel this through the airwaves. She’ll sense somehow if you’re sitting waiting.

 

Let her stew in her own juices for a bit and you remind yourself who’s acting up here and who’s got sticky hands. It isn’t you. Start treating yourself accordingly chief.

[sant]

Again, thank you for your answers !

 

I am weak and contactet her..to my shame more than once since my initial post and by now she is getting more and more annoyed and now I wrote an "final" message spilling my guts. I dont know what I expected. If it wasnt over before, its probably now.

 

I dont know why I couldn just give her the time she asked for or why I am not

strong enough to end it here and now and stop my suffering.

 

If I think about us, I still see how good we were and how good our future can look like. Maybe I am just delusional, but I think if there is just a small chance we can work it out then I the suffering will be worth it. But i feel more and more like I am just waiting to get slaughtered.

 

And I feel the urge to call again..

[d0nnivain]

Calling one more time will only get your feelings hurt again. If you need that last kick in the teeth go ahead & reach out. Maybe this will be the last straw you need to move forward.

[Marc878]

Again, thank you for your answers !

 

I am weak and contactet her..to my shame more than once since my initial post and by now she is getting more and more annoyed and now I wrote an "final" message spilling my guts. I dont know what I expected. If it wasnt over before, its probably now.

 

I dont know why I couldn just give her the time she asked for or why I am not

strong enough to end it here and now and stop my suffering.

 

If I think about us, I still see how good we were and how good our future can look like. Maybe I am just delusional, but I think if there is just a small chance we can work it out then I the suffering will be worth it. But i feel more and more like I am just waiting to get slaughtered.

 

And I feel the urge to call again..

 

If you chase they always move farther away. All you did was lower your status while making her new man look better. Writing a letter pouring you heart out just solidifies you are weak, needy, etc. she's comparing that to her other man.

 

You knew better but did it anyway. Hopefully, you'll learn something for your next relationship.

 

I think for the most part once they cheat it's over anyway.

 

Better wake up and quit stringing yourself along.

 

Stop projecting your feelings onto her. Shes moving on which is what you should be doing. Total no contact

[ExpatInItaly]

If I think about us, I still see how good we were and how good our future can look like. Maybe I am just delusional, but I think if there is just a small chance we can work it out then I the suffering will be worth it. But i feel more and more like I am just waiting to get slaughtered.

 

Not if she's messing around with another guy, OP. Your future together would have depended on both of you wanting this relationship, but she isn't there with you anymore.

 

It is not only a matter of you being less clingy and giving her space. It's also a matter of her being committed to you in heart, and as soon as she was getting close to another guy, she was emotionally already gone.

 

You didn't cause this problem on your own, and you can't fix it alone either. If she doesn't truly want to be in the relationship, calling her again isn't going to make a difference. It's a sad reality but a girl who loves you would never bulldoze over appropriate boundaries the way she did.

[Twizzlestick]

Again, thank you for your answers !

 

I am weak and contactet her..to my shame more than once since my initial post and by now she is getting more and more annoyed and now I wrote an "final" message spilling my guts. I dont know what I expected. If it wasnt over before, its probably now.

 

I dont know why I couldn just give her the time she asked for or why I am not

strong enough to end it here and now and stop my suffering.

 

If I think about us, I still see how good we were and how good our future can look like. Maybe I am just delusional, but I think if there is just a small chance we can work it out then I the suffering will be worth it. But i feel more and more like I am just waiting to get slaughtered.

 

And I feel the urge to call again..

 

Don’t beat yourself up! Nothing you did changed things or ruined any chances. Even giving her “what she wanted”. That’s a lie your emotional mind is telling you.

 

I tell you what, her mind was made up the minute she started farming her little self out to other men. This “space” crap is nothing more than her letting herself down gently. Don’t buy into any notion she inferred she was genuinely thinking about getting back. It’s sheer vanity on her part.

 

Only thing now is run for the hills my friend. Ghost the minx as in permanently. Move in with your life. Sorry to sound harsh about her but she’s not an innocent. People change feelings - whatever. But this one was already shopping. Drop the woman. Now. Don’t speak, crack on man for all you’re worth. I’m not getting your hopes up, but I bet you haven’t heard the last of her either. She’ll pitter patter her little feet back when she thinks you’re away for good. And that’ll likely be when you genuinely are moving on. People sense this stuff like dogs, I swear.

 

Be strong don’t speak to her. Like I say it’s not to get your hopes up - when she does tootle back with a message after many months it’ll be for guilt/loneliness/vanity. Anything but genuinely wanting you back. She just will want you back on her mental shelf and lead you back down. Don’t give her that. She has a mouth and can tell you if she is sorry and wants you back.

 

Lastly. Don’t beat yourself up about this contact youve done. Lots of advice on this forum admonishes people for it. But here’s the thing - bargaining is a natural part of the grief process with the brain for us all. Yes it’s ideal if you can skip that step. Some can. But many can’t and need to do a bit to move on. It depends on how the brain can get a handle on coming out of denial. You just don’t want to get stuck there in a loop. So....

 

....you’ve done that bit of bargaining. That stage is over. Now reclaim your worth and ditch contact. Let her live her choices without a safety net. And you concentrate on telling yourself she’s gone. There’ll be someone else for us all. And someone who won’t treat you like this.

[manfrombelow2]

The more you pursue someone, the more you push them away. That's the law of attraction.

 

For now, just shut up, keep quiet, stop all contact, and let it be.

 

I know it sounds hard to do, but it's the formula. The only correct formula.

[Chi townD]

Again, thank you for your answers !

 

I am weak and contactet her..to my shame more than once since my initial post and by now she is getting more and more annoyed and now I wrote an "final" message spilling my guts. I dont know what I expected. If it wasnt over before, its probably now.

 

I dont know why I couldn just give her the time she asked for or why I am not

strong enough to end it here and now and stop my suffering.

 

If I think about us, I still see how good we were and how good our future can look like. Maybe I am just delusional, but I think if there is just a small chance we can work it out then I the suffering will be worth it. But i feel more and more like I am just waiting to get slaughtered.

 

And I feel the urge to call again..

 

You are a crackhead, alcoholic and a meth head. And your drug of choice is your Ex. You can't eat or sleep and you are constantly thinking about that drug and that maybe you can get just one more hit. You have the exact same withdrawl symptoms of an addict trying to get clean.

 

First off, no girl is worth ending your life over and if you are having those thoughts, get to an emergency right now! This girl isn't worth it.

 

Dude, I understand heartbreak. We've all been there. But, you need to change your attitude and just tell yourself that you're just one more heartbreak away from the girl you are truly meant to be with!

[Sgthaytham]

Back off and give her space.

 

If she still likes you and wants to continue, she’ll be in touch.

[sant]

Update:

 

Where to start..

 

After the "break" she called me to come home, that we will make it and that she loves me. I was relieved and thought that things would change but she was as cold and as distant as before if not more.

 

There were days when everything seemed fine and we cooked, cuddled (initated by her) and had a good time.

 

Then there were days were she would talk to her best friend on the phone for 5 hours straight until bed time. When I asked if she was talking to her to avoid me, she said "of course not"

 

One night I just couldnt take it and said "thats not a relationship anymore" "she agreed"

We used to go on a lot of trips and vacations togehter, had the best times and we were scheduled to go on a trip in 2 weeks..so i asked her if we want to go on the trip to see if we can ignite the spark but she refused and that was it.

I was at home for a couple of weeks, blaming myself why I was so insecure and that I had driven away the love of my life. I never told any of my friends about the Sexting becaus I wanted to protect her and didnt make her out to be a bad person.

 

 

Then I called a mutual friend, she almost didnt wanna talk to me because my ex had told her for months that I was destroying the relationship with my jelaous and clingy behavior. After I told her that my jealous behavior wasnt that far fetched because of the Sexting, she almost didnt believe that either.

But after I told her more details, she knew the guy i was talking about before I even said his name. She said she had a feeling but shrugged it of as "nonesens"

 

The days after she was meeting up with my ex..and surprise he was there also.Over the course of the night she confessed that they had an affair for Months now and reasoned it with "what could we have done, we fell for each other" She never intended to tell me..even when i Called her the next day to ask her if she ever cheated on me, she keept lying. "I cant confess something I didnt do"

He had a Girlfriend aswell and they broke up after we broke up. The truly sick part is, his Girlfriend was a good friend of my Girlfriend. They would meet up when she had relationship trouble and my GF would listen eventhough she knew she was the reason.

 

To summarize:

 

- Caught my GF sexting - Forgave her, started to fight for the relationship

 

- She backed away, told me I was destroying the relationship with my behaviour

 

- Even made me start a therpy to work on my issues

 

- Made me out to be a jealous lunatic to her friends behind my back, when I didnt even tell my friends the sexting thing to protect her

 

- For months she told me and wrote me "how I am the love of her life" and so on and was already seeing him, lying about it day in and out

 

- meet up with the girlfriend of the affair to talk about the relationship problems.

 

 

As u can imagine, I am a complete mess. The girl I thoght was the one,

not only cheated on me, she lied every day and even manipulated me in thinking I am a lunatic and my gut feeling is all screwed up to the point that i need counseling.

 

I know that a Girl like that is no loss, but I cant get the "good" party out of my head. Somedays It feels like i can call her and tell her about the ****

i have been trough because she feels like a totaly different person now.

 

You guys were right all along and I should have listened. "Actions matter, not words" are truly words to live by.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's a good thing you know the truth now, OP.

 

It hurts, and it will take time, but you will eventually miss her less. You first need time to get over the image of her you had in your mind, and realize that the good parts don't make up for the betrayal. Be patient with yourself in the meantime.

 

You likely won't ever see her as a truly bad person, but you will gradually lose the rose-coloured glasses as reality sinks in.

[sant]

Update:

 

For about 3 weeks after the breakup I felt like ****. I just couldnt understand how she could treat me the way she did.

How she could cheat after telling me for years she could never do that, because she saw what it did to her parents.

How she could lie like that, after telling me she would never lie to me. How she made me feel paranoid and even suggested therapy because my paranoia is pushing her away. And I went. How she even lied to her two best friends, when they

suspected something. How she couldnt even tell me the truth and kept lying to me

after we broke up so that her bestfriend had to tell me what was really going on..

How she could even lie when I confroted her, and asked her "If the years we had meant anything to you, dont lie now, did you cheat?"and she got upset with me and responded "I cant confess something that never happend"

I just didnt get how she could treat me with that little respect after all we went trough and how "special" she always said

our relationship and connection was.

 

So the Therapy she "suggested" came in handy in dealing with all of that. My Friends were a big help aswell and I begann to realize that she just wasnt a good Person. That is was mourning the loss of who I thought she was, as well as what could have had. I realised that I actually didnt lose anything. Someone who cheated, lied and treated me like **** is no loss.

She didnt win because she fooled me into thinking she was trustworthy. I "won" because I got rid of a liar and a cheater.

 

It has been 6 Months since the breakup and I was feeling better and better. I even met a girl, eventhough I didnt "look" for another girl. We just clicked and I

actually fell for her.

 

Then last week, while I was at work my phone rang. I didnt recognize the number so I picked up. It was my ex. She wanted to know how ive been.

She told me she never wanted to "destroy" me like that, that she is a mess, that she wasnt in our apartment since I moved out because it reminds her of us and she cant be alone ( but ****ing him on our couch, with our pictures in the room wasnt a problem ).

After the call, she texted me, asked me if I still love her. I told her no, and that I have developed feelings for someone else and that I dont think she loves me, because if she did, she couldnt have done what she did. She then texted me that she doesnt know what happened, that she made the biggest mistake of her life and that she is happy for me and and that the girl I am seeing is lucky for havingsuch a good man because she unfortunately doesnt have it anymore. She never actually said it, but I think she wants to get backtogether.. I have all sort of emotions right now. I feel angry because of what she did and then have the nerve to call me and tell me she loves me and asks If I love her. I feel sorry for her because she cried and said she is a mess. I feel sorry because she lost her two bestfriends because of her actions. I feel sorry because she cant seem to be alone. To top it all up I find myself thinking about the good Times and start to picture a potential future in my head. Whats wrong with me ?! How can even think about something like that after all she did ?

How do I feel like I am "giving up" on her, after all I did to try to safe our relationship. Why do I have a feeling of "missing out"

on a great future with her when all evidence suggests, that the future wouldnt be great and when I have feelings for a girl where I See way more potential ? She probably just called because the other guy dumped her and wanted her share of validation and to see if her safety net is

still avialable. I still have so many questions I want to ask her, but she wont anwser them truthfully anyway.

But still, Im so confused about all these emotions and thoughts. Why cant I just let it Go. I hope some of it makes sense