Going NC, but my ex stops at my house

[assertives]

Start keeping new habits. If nights and 1st thing you wake up are the worse, then make new habits that you'll end up looking forward to at nights (e.g. self care stuff like a good bath soak, read a book, take a walk etc) and in the mornings (text a good friend or your mum for e.g.).

 

Another thing to think about also is what kind of father figure influence do you actually want your kids to have in their lives? Kids learn most by picking up behavior from adults. Everytime you feel weak for him again, remember what kind of image and impact this could have on your kids to give you motivation to stay strong for them.

[BC1980]

This guy is obviously toxic for you, but we all want what we can't have. If someone doesn't want you, they immediately become more attractive. This guy was never fully committed from the way you describe it. He kept you at arm's length for 3 years. Even though it's hard, you have to do anything you can to disassociate yourself with him. Social media is a good start. Block his phone number next. If he shows up at your house again, tell him that's not okay.

[Hope4thefuture]

One week of NC. It can be hard at times, but it finally feels different. I am not wanting to reach out to him like before. I still think about him of course.

 

My goal is to work on my self esteem and build myself back up. I wish I could go back and start NC after the break up knowing what I know now. I gave him too much power. That is a huge regret I have now. I let him still have sex with me. I would boost his ego with I miss you texts. And who knows all that time he could have just been laughing at me, knowing he still had me in his back pocket. I had hope and wanted so badly for it to work. But all it did was made me weak.

 

So back to my goal. It will take some time. I am trying to work on little things, like being nice to myself. I am taking it one day at a time. Some days are easier than others.

[BC1980]

It's good that you don't even want to talk to him. It seems like your feelings have changed. There will be bumps in the road, but stay the course.

[S2B]

He called me and asked me to drive him home from the bar. He drank too much. I picked him up because I didn’t want him to hurt himself or anyone else. On my way there I kept thinking this is what life would be like with him. Late calls from the bar. I didn’t like what I pictured. But since I still love him I am weak and slept with him. I know what you are thinking. Don’t worry I am judging myself worse than anyone else could possibly could. I felt so used and unimportant in that moment. I couldn’t keep doing that to myself. I also saw a post of his on FB because we were still friends at that time. The other girl was on there so I knew he was getting more serious with her. I just finally hit the low point and told myself I can’t keep doing this. My therapist wants me to go to an Al-Alon meeting to see if that will help me.

 

Huh? You took his call. Then picked him up for a ride. Then you had sex with him?

 

No wonder he stops by... he can use you whenever he wants to - but he doesn’t prioritize you!!! He does it because YOU ALLOW it!

 

What was wrong with suggesting he take an Uber? Or cab ride?

 

You don’t need to save him... he needs to help himself!!

 

Get a boundary... you don’t have one.

 

One al-anon meeting won’t help. You need to do the work in the whole program.

 

 

Has your counselor suggested you get a boundary that you stick to?

Edited March 18, 2019 by S2B

[Hope4thefuture]

It's good that you don't even want to talk to him. It seems like your feelings have changed. There will be bumps in the road, but stay the course.

 

This week has been pretty good. I haven’t wanted to contact him. That makes me feel a little stronger. I know I will have rough days for sure. I am dreading the day I bump into him somewhere. It is bound to happen one day. I want to be ready for it, but not sure I will be.

[Hope4thefuture]

Huh? You took his call. Then picked him up for a ride. Then you had sex with him?

 

No wonder he stops by... he can use you whenever he wants to - but he doesn’t prioritize you!!! He does it because YOU ALLOW it!

 

What was wrong with suggesting he take an Uber? Or cab ride?

 

You don’t need to save him... he needs to help himself!!

 

Get a boundary... you don’t have one.

 

One al-anon meeting won’t help. You need to do the work in the whole program.

 

 

Has your counselor suggested you get a boundary that you stick to?

 

 

I know I messed up with this situation. My boundaries are nonexistent and I need to fix that pronto. Don’t worry, I am my harshest critic. I know I completely devalued myself and he used me. I am mad at myself for letting him do that to me. But I finally learned a lesson from that night. It took me feeling so low to actually do something about it. So as much as I am upset with myself for putting myself in that situation, I am also proud of myself for realizing I deserve better. It took me way too long to see that, but at least I finally do.

[BC1980]

This week has been pretty good. I haven’t wanted to contact him. That makes me feel a little stronger. I know I will have rough days for sure. I am dreading the day I bump into him somewhere. It is bound to happen one day. I want to be ready for it, but not sure I will be.

 

I remember going through this with the breakup that brought me here. I struggled a lot with NC, and my ex was all too willing to be "friends." One day, I just realized how dumb the whole thing was. I can't even remember what triggered it, but I never even wanted to talk to him again. I was beyond done.

 

Honestly, once I realized all that, I didn't talk to him for years. I eventually just forgot about him. It's weird because I remember thinking it was such a big deal when we broke up, but now I just kind of laugh about it. It seemed so dramatic at the time you know? I can't even remember what it all felt like.

 

I occasionally see him at work because we work in the same place, but we just say hello and keep walking. He actually showed me some pictures of his son last time I saw him, which I thought was nice. I spent a lot of time with his son. Look, you'll be fine one day. I know this all feels like some huge deal that you can't dig out of, but, at some point, you will look back and get a laugh at yourself. I swear, some of my old threads here. . . . they make me laugh a little.

 

One thing I learned is not to waste time on someone who doesn't want to be with you 100%. I was like you, and I wasted three years on a person who wasn't all in. It's a sunk cost fallacy. Sometimes, it's just not meant to be. You'll be fine though. The emotions you feel are temporary.

[Hope4thefuture]

When does the sadness get better? I definitely feel better than I did, but I am not where I want to be yet. Does dating help or just time? I don’t want to rush into anything just to push my feelings away. I already did that once right after my break up and that didn’t work. How do you know you are ready to get back out there? I don’t think I am, but I am stuck right now. I don’t feel ready but want to move on.

[BC1980]

It's different for everyone, but it took me 3 months to feel any better. After that, I remember being angry for a long time. I wasn't walking around mad all day, but I still had residual anger when I'd think of my ex. I think it's a blessing I was able to let go of all of that because I know people that have never let go of their anger.

 

I also tried to date right away, and it didn't work. After about 8-9 months, I started going on dates again. Don't worry about dating right now. You had a 3 year relationship, and you don't get over that immediately. A lot of it depends on what the person meant to you. I've dated people that I was over in a month or two. My last ex was a person I planned to marry. It took me a long time to sort out my feelings after that relationship came to an end.

[S2B]

I know I messed up with this situation. My boundaries are nonexistent and I need to fix that pronto. Don’t worry, I am my harshest critic. I know I completely devalued myself and he used me. I am mad at myself for letting him do that to me. But I finally learned a lesson from that night. It took me feeling so low to actually do something about it. So as much as I am upset with myself for putting myself in that situation, I am also proud of myself for realizing I deserve better. It took me way too long to see that, but at least I finally do.

 

So exactly what is your boundary now? The one that keeps you happy, healthy and safe?

 

Describe it in detail... that way you know what it looks like for you.

[nolanola]

When does the sadness get better? I definitely feel better than I did, but I am not where I want to be yet. Does dating help or just time? I don’t want to rush into anything just to push my feelings away. I already did that once right after my break up and that didn’t work. How do you know you are ready to get back out there? I don’t think I am, but I am stuck right now. I don’t feel ready but want to move on.

 

Hi @Hope4thefuture. Sorry to see you are feeling sad. I think it takes a while, at least it is taking me a while. I'm almost to 5 months NC and I still feel sad sometimes. I still feel really anxious sometimes and angry too. I think it was about 3 months before I noticed I was feeling a little bit better. Over the past few weeks, I've noticed more of an upswing than before.

 

I think it's perfectly fine to just take care of yourself right now. Accept that you are hurting and that it will take some time to heal. Leave the scab alone and let it heal. It will eventually. I actually asked my therapist the other day how long it takes people to heal from bad breakups and she didn't have a neat answer for me. She said it varies for everyone. I know I am someone that takes a long time. I did with my last relationship and this one too. It's ok that this is where I am.

 

I will tell you what has helped me. Being NC, no doubt, is the MOST important thing. Try thinking of it as one day at a time. Thinking of "I will never talk to him again" is really hard and gives me a lot of anxiety, so I try to think "I won't talk to him today". That is much more manageable. I think it was about 3-4 weeks NC before I had no real desire to reach out to him. It didn't stop me from wanting him to reach out to me, but it helped. Let yourself feel whatever you need to during that time.

 

When you start to feel a little bit better, try to stop talking about him or reading things about breakups online. I took a week break from here and it helped me. I get a lot from this site, but sometimes I think talking about a break up over and over keeps you really stuck. I even stopped listening to sad songs. I tried re-directing my thoughts. When I would want to pick up that thought of him and how/why he did what he did, I would actively tell myself to think about something else. Or I would get up and go do something. That took me about 4 months to get to that point.

 

The other thing that has recently helped me a lot is to do some new things. I joined a book club that I like. I started volunteering with an organization that I have really enjoyed. I got on a dating app. Just doing those new things keeps me busier and gives me optimism that I can heal. Sometimes you just need to feel like there's hope.

 

This is so long, but I'll just sum up to say that there is no right answer or "should". Do what makes you feel better and think about what you can do to love yourself. Be selfish, it's fine to put yourself first for a while.

[Hope4thefuture]

I have made it over 3 weeks of NC. Some days are good and some days are still a little sad. I don’t have a desire to reach out to him anymore, which is a big step for me.

 

Now I just wish my thoughts wouldn’t be all over the place. One moment I feel strong and happy, the next I am angry at him, and then I get lonely and a little sad.

[BC1980]

It takes awhile for your emotions to even out, but you will eventually start to feel normal. You're going through the process of reordering your life without him, and it just takes awhile to feel normal. Three weeks is great though.

 

He will probably resurface at some point. Have you thought about how you will

handle that or where it could potentially happen?

[stillafool]

You continue to avoid this question:

 

HAVE YOU BLOCKED HIM YET?????

[Hope4thefuture]

Took a little break from LS. I wanted to clear my head. I am visiting friends in Florida. Getting some sun, finding some peace, and trying to get some joy back.

 

I know I will get some flack for this, but no to answer the above question I have not blocked him. I have continued NC and I am on 5 weeks today.

 

Some days are harder than others. Sometimes I want to reach out. I want to know how he is doing at times. But what good will that do for me? It won’t do me any good at all. I have had to talk myself out of texting him. I have to tell myself he doesn’t want to be with me and I deserve someone who treats me like a priority. Someone who wants to be a part of my life.

 

I know if I keep focusing on myself, my boys, my friends...then the good thoughts will continue to come. That is what I really want. Good times, good thoughts, good things.

[BC1980]

Five weeks is great. You sound so much different than you did a few months ago. I can tell something has shifted in your thinking, and you have the resolve to leave him behind.

[nolanola]

I'm so glad to see your update! Healing is a long, long process. At least for me it has been, so don't be so hard on yourself. It's really funny, because now when I have a bad or down day, I feel terrible about it. But then I remember that these days are less common than they used to be. In the past, these days were almost every day. Now, I have them like once a week or every 10 days or so. And the days that I feel really good are several times a week. Sometimes the progress is much more subtle than we'd like it to be. I know we'd all like to wake up one day and feel so happy and never go back, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

 

Hang onto your progress. Don't worry about the blocking thing. That may come with more time. As they say in AA, "progress, not perfection".

[Hope4thefuture]

I saw my ex today. His daughter and my son go to the same school. Today was a school event so it was bound to happen. I’m not sure he saw me or not to be honest, but we walked right by each other. So I just assume he did. He completely ignored me. If that is true, I’m not sure how to feel about that. Relieved, angry, disappointed, glad...probably a mixture of all those feelings. I guess I can look at the bright side, which is I saw him and I didn’t fall apart. It made me a little sad to know that this person who meant so much to me, who I loved, just walk right by me as if I meant absolutely nothing. Tonight was a hard night. I hope tomorrow will be better.

[BC1980]

It's hard to see an ex when feelings are still fresh. It's better that you didn't talk because it would have been awkward and probably made you feel worse. There's no way to avoid seeing him, so you just have to weather it the best you can until you become ambivalent.

 

I can empathize because I was in a situation where I would see my ex now and again. It was hard at first, but he eventually became irrelevant to me. It took awhile though. That guy did a number on me, which is why I've empathized so much with your story.

[nolanola]

Ugh. That is tough. I would try to avoid jumping to conclusions. You are assuming that he saw you and ignored you, but we don't know that for a fact. The only thing we know is that you saw him and that you guys didn't speak. If he is ignoring you, then that, to me, means that he is being petty about the breakup. Because when someone is totally over someone else, they can be easy breezy and interact with that person as if it means nothing. So if he is ignoring you, then he sucks and is probably trying to rub your nose in things.

 

I'm seeing my ex for the first time since he broke my heart almost 6 months ago, so I totally understand. I'm terrified it won't go well and I'll fall apart. I think we just have to remind ourselves that holding our heads high is the best revenge we can have. And having some backup when you go to these types of things (some friends that know that you need support) can be crucial. Or at least someone to talk to when you come home. Or you can always come on here and vent to us.

[Hope4thefuture]

You ever have one of those days when your brain focuses on what is missing from your life instead of all the good things you have. That was me today. Hoping tomorrow I find more positive.

[S2B]

Write a gratitude list when it’s a tough day.

 

Consider dating someone new... who treats you right!

[Hope4thefuture]

How do you know you are ready to date? I tried dating fairly quickly after my ex and I broke up. I ended up dating the new guy for 2 months. I thought I was getting over my ex. I seemed happy with the new guy I was dating. However I couldn’t stop thinking about my ex. It wasn’t fair to the new guy. I don’t want to do that again to someone else.

 

So how do you know you are ready? I don’t feel ready. I also know one day I am

going to have to be.

[BC1980]

After a 3 year relationship, I had no interest in dating for about 6 months. It's different for everyone, but you only know after you've tried. I think you have to test the waters at some point just so you know other guys are out there that you can be attracted to. If you have no interest right now, I'd just let it be. 3 years is a significant relationship. You can't just turn off feelings and process all that happened so quickly.

 

My advice is to reassess how you feel in 6 months. I think a year is probably the longest I'd wait. By that time, most people are genuinely ready to date again. I don't mean flings to pass the time but interest in developing an actual relationship with someone.