Having to Break Up With Someone I Wanted To Spend The Rest Of My Life With

[ReynaRoma]

Please bear with me since this will be long. Although I am middle aged. I had never fallen in love. I believe in not having a sexual relationship before marriage.

 

I had liked a man for 6 years and we worked at the same company. When we talked it was never for less than 1 hour.

 

I never said anything to him, because he had been dating someone on and off and that I know of, 2 more in between break ups. I respect those things. He got assigned to another branch and was leaving, but 4 months before he did he confessed his feelings to me and although I was afraid to do likewise (I could tell this one was "the one") I confessed mine as well, because I believe in living without regrets.

 

I asked him why he never had before, he said: " because with you I knew it would be serious" and since he was leaving he could not let it pass.

 

After this, although we worked in the same building, we agreed to talking over the phone, we did so for hours for a month before actually dating. 2 months in the relationship we confessed our love for each other.

 

Just days after that, while we were both at his home, someone knocked at the door and it was his ex (21 years old) claiming that I was the "other woman" she jumped on him slapped him and since the beginning he insistently told her he had stopped dating her during the summer and that I was his girlfriend.

 

She left and I spoke to him. He vehemently denied her claims and he even called her father in front of me explaining to him what had happened and that he did not want anything more to do with her.

 

At that moment I asked him, what did he want from me, from our relationship. He said he wanted to be with me and marry me. I told him I needed time away from him.

 

It took me a week and I came back to him. This was my first love, the man I had also given myself to because in my heart I was already married to him. I had told him so and gave him a token that meant something to me he also gave me a token which was a promise of marriage.

 

Before he left he said he wanted to meet my mom, he went to my home brought flowers and everything else he had asked that my mother liked. It is our custom that this is asking for the person in marriage.

 

Before he moved, many issues happened to him both work wise and health wise. I supported him and helped him through it all, I even was the one that selected and found the house he currently lives in. All throughout our relationship he was also dissatisfied with his work assignment since he considered it a demotion considering his retirement is only 2 years away. He relied on me heavily and I cheered him up as best as I could.

 

We were inseperable the weeks before he left. Our LDR did not feel like it because we talked daily and on weekends it was almost for the entire day. He told me he was not leaving me behind, that he had never been in love and that for the first time in his life he did not feel alone.

 

He surprised me with a flight to visit him 2 months after he left and I went with him to meet his best friend and to spend the weekend in his parents home and meet them. His father thanked me for bringing his son home and for taking such good care of him.

 

When it was time for me to return, he seemed upset that I was leaving but did not say anything about me staying. There was one moment where he looked shocked as he told me that this time our love making felt different, he said he felt more love.

 

When I returned home, everything continued as usual, and we had planned for me to return during Summer and then on Fall to go back and meet his other relatives (he had not gone back to his hometown for over 24 years). About a month later he told me that he had a work trip and for some reason I could not shake off the feeling that he was coming back to the country I lived at.

 

One month later, I had flown back to him and I asked him about that particular trip. He said that he had gone through the airport closest to my city. Because of his job sensitivy, I did not pursue it but I was worried.

 

We never argued and we talked very often (phone calls, video calls, emails texts daily) he confided many things to me and I could tell that he had many traumas he had not dealt with, also he had a drinking problem although he does not admit it. I never liked drinking since my best friend died at an early age from alcohol abuse and before that I had seen what damage it causes to families.

 

That trip was short but so sweet. But he began acting erratically the last 2 days he was extremely desperate with me and I even told him that our lovemaking was so desperate on his side.

 

The day before I left I asked him to honestly tell me what where his intentions with me. We were already 9 months in our relationship and by then he had said we would already be together. His answer was he had changed his mind and he was not ready to marry at the moment, but that he wanted a future with me and that he wanted to be with me.

 

My heart dropped, I then asked him if he wanted to break up and be single because to me it seemed like there was something between us and that he was acting like a person that wanted to have an open relationship and not a monogamous one. He repeated he only wanted to be with me and closed up completely.

 

Later on, He spent around 5 hours holding on to me hugging me and then fell asleep I kept telling him he needed to get up that I was going to miss my flight. At the airport he said he did not want a long goodbye and we hugged, then parted. I went to the bathroom and when I came out he was out there waiting for me. I could not even hug him, I said goodbye and I started crying.

 

After I returned home, I felt our communication dynamic changed, it became distant. Then a month later his bestfriend died, I could not travel to be with him and he did not want me to go, he wanted to say goodbye alone. He relied on me to make all of his travel arrangements he was devastated and could not stop crying. He constatnly called me all throughout the wake and his 3 day trip.

 

We started talking more than before over the phone. Then he just would not respond to my calls, this lasted about a month. In between he did take a call from my mom and did talk to her once. He had never had a loss of a close person and I knew this was not going to be good for me or our relationship.

 

One day, he texted me and told me he was ok and that he had just needed time. Then we started communication between us, it was more than usual more time talking and video calls daily, he even started again talking about marriage and that in winter I would stay with him, this time permanently.

 

He then got sick and we did not talk verbally for 2 days, Then on the third day I had an accident (just a fender bender but I lost consciousness) and I asked him to call me, he did not, two days after the accident I called him.

 

He was a completely different person that day, he was rude and did not even care about the accident or if I was doing well. He used many words that I had confided to him hurt me most in the past, this felt like such a betrayal of my trust. I only know the call was for 45 minutes, but I think that as a defensive mechanism my brain has erased the most hurtful words he said.

 

He told me he needed more time, then he retracted and said to delete what he had said, then he said he did not have time to talk to me because he was going on a work trip and he needed to prepare for that I insisted we needed to talk about us, and while he was talking he hung up the phone. He did not pick up afterwards.

 

I had been informed that he was travelling to a popular vacation site in my country and until that moment I honestly believed he was coming to surprise me and that is why I did not mention it. But after he hung up on me, dread filled me and in my heart I knew he was not coming to see me.

 

I insisted in calling him that day because I wanted to work things out. Then I sat there went over our conversation in my head and decided this is the part were you choose dignity. I wanted to break up verbally. I had to do so via email. I asked for the token I had given him and for several items I had in his house. I had several Items that belonged to him as well and I wanted to give them back (house key, token of marriage and other things).

 

He never replied or acknowledged that email. I was going to leave it at that but I just had to confirm. Three days later I called him to the hotel I believed he would be In, I could not believe it when I was immediately transferred to his room, even less when he picked up (I literally felt somehing die inside of me) I was not going to talk, but something inside of me rose up and said "you have never been a coward and you always face everything head on.

 

I said "hi ___" there was absolute silence for like 5 seconds and then his answer was only "leave me alone" (his tone of voice was awful, when I am tempted to call him I always hear him saying this in my head) I hoped with all my heart he would check out of that hotel and come to me, but he never did.

 

Later I received confirmation that he had been there with a lady. This lady turned out to be the same Ex that originally had showed up at his house earlier in our relationship, the same one he later told me he would not name as his girlfriend that she was just a girl he dated that was out to get money from him.

 

That same day I sent him an email confirming to him that I wanted to leave it clear I had broken up with him because I did not want to be cheated on once again (I believe he did the same on that other work trip) He did not acknowledge that email either.

 

A week later, I had to send him a third email asking for my things again and how to return his. His reply email was cold and he even addressed me by my last name. He said he would give my things back and nothing else was acknowledged by him.

 

The first item I received was my token when I pulled it out it was tied to something when I lifted the cover beneath the box an engagement ring was tied to it, I had never seen that ring in my life. It fit perfectly and I just thought "what a cynic".

 

I still love him and I debated if I should call him It took me a day and a half to decide. I went in and out his WA profile. Then when I was going to call, I received a shock, the man whom had never put a profle pic on his whatsapp suddenly had a pic of that person he had cheated on me with.

 

I felt both the ring and the pic where both meant to hurt me. A month later he emailed me, the tone of the email had changed and he was asking for confirmation of reception of the token. He never mentioned the ring he sent, I knew that he had a tracking number, so he did not need me to confirm. Regardeless I replied to his email confirming and giving him an address where to send my items.

 

It took him 2 months to send me one little box. Before christmas eve he emailed to say that he had sent my items but he could see it was coming in later and that he hoped I was doing well. Again I debated if I should call him and noticed he did not have a profile pic again, but on the third day when I decide to call again he put a Pic of that person.

 

Since then, I have deleted all chats, all phone numbers and all things were I might see anything from him. It has been exactly three months since I sent the email breaking up with him.

 

I have never called, texted or reached out to him. I have gone through depression, emotional asthma and every time he emailed my hands would tremble out of fear. I lost so much weight my parent said that death could be seen reflected on my face.

 

His duplicity and betrayal of my trust terrified me. The fact that he would come to my country to cheat while I flew out to see him. Although I am doing better, it's like a nightmare I cannot wake up from. I ended things with him because I chose dignity. If there is no respect or trust in a relationship. What is left?

 

I feel I will never again have a connection in all levels like I had with him. I lost my best friend, the person that understood me and accepted all that I am as I am. I used to tell him that even though I did not gamble, with him I had gone "All-In" and that he was it for me.

 

The man that said all of our pictures looked like we had been married for a long time. That he only had two people he could talk to, his best friend (the one who died) and me. The man that constantly planned with me what we would do after his retirement. The man, that a month before this happened, said that I still made him outstandingly happy. The man that said that until me, he had never been in love.

 

I asked him only four things when he started talking about marriage, to never take me for granted, that I would never compete for him if there was someone else (this because he constantly said he would never cheat on me, on one instance I even quoted shakespeare to him, because he protested too much without me bringing that up) to tell me if he started liking someone else, or if he just simply did not want to pursue our relationship. I told him if any of the above happened, I would just simply dissapear from his life.

 

His answer to me dissapearing from his life was that he would be "Devastated".

 

I still cannot believe he did not value me at all. Hardest thing for me to accept, I now believe he never loved me. Like I told him once, I thought that he loved how I loved him and the way that made him feel. Sometimes I think he did and that loving me scared him. For six years we liked each other. We only had three months of living in the same place and nine months of long distance relationship. Only 1 year, but we merged with each other on all levels intensely. Like if we wanted to make up for all those lost years.

 

He has neither told his family or our friends in common. Which I find odd, but the time has come for me to at least tell his family, since they keep in touch with me.

 

I never want to be with anyone again in my life. The saddest truth is I wish he would come personally and to say he misses me as much as I miss him. I have never felt anger or hate. Just so much sadness. I can understand him and that hurts me so much. I pray for him.

 

I am struggling and that is why I write here. I am known for being the strong friend and partner. The one everyone relies on. I have been told that I am the most resilient person ever, that despite anything I am always cheerful. Yes, I have things that happened to me and scarred me, but everyone else does as well. I just chose to turn that into compassion and understanding of others.

 

But with this, I am loosing the battle. I believe in never giving up and I never thought I would have to with him. I am drowning in heartbreak, the memories and what if's. I need help.

[salparadise]

I still cannot believe he did not value me at all. Hardest thing for me to accept, I now believe he never loved me. Like I told him once, I thought that he loved how I loved him and the way that made him feel. Sometimes I think he did and that loving me scared him.

 

Some people just aren't capable of dealing with the vulnerability. They go through the early phases just fine, but when it gets too real they push away, because it is scary and they can't cope. If this is what happened, it's not unusual that he'd be unaware and find external reasons. It certainly didn't help that he had the 21-year-old distraction fall back on.

 

Heartbreak and loss of the dream is hard. I'm sorry that you're having to go through that. Take time to grieve, embrace the feelings and talk it out with friends, family, and a therapist. Try to arrive at a place of acceptance... that you were brave and opened your heart completely, but he wasn't capable, sabotaged ran away. It wasn't your fault. You have what it takes and did your best. Start letting go with the understanding that he didn't have the confidence and emotional maturity to match yours. Time will heal, and you will be able to open your heart again when the right person comes along. Acceptance is comforting, so try and get there.

[ReynaRoma]

Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my post and reply. I greatly appreciate your advice and words of encouragement.

 

Like when you are grievieng the death of a loved one is hard, and it takes time to heal and I know it is important to go through the stages. This type of healing has been particularly hard since I am grieving over someone whom is alive, but no longer a part of my life.

 

I have the blessing that I count with loved ones that have shown me with words an actions how much I mean to them.

 

When I wrote this I just could not burden them anymore.

 

When I wrote here it was like I climbed another step up out of the darkness.

 

I believe in the love of God and I pray that despite my breaking down over this, his mercy will see me through this.

 

I sincerely thank you.

[ReynaRoma]

Thanks to everyone that has taken the time to read my post. It was hard for me to decide to share it here, but I have to do things that I believe will help me heal.

Edited January 12, 2019 by ReynaRoma
I double replied and decide to just change it to an additional note.