abandoned2018 Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 (edited) how do you feel about married men/women chatting with people of the opposite sex on FB/Whatsapp/Viber whatever way? Spending time and energy on someone, sharing things with them.. creating a bond... is this okay to do or will you be unhappy if your spouse did it? 1) please imagine this situation. your husband/ boyfriend/wife/girlfriend has a facebook friend (of opposite gender,single,from another country) he/she is chatting with the friend once 3-4 days sometimes weekly .. maybe half an hour or an hour. he/she is liking her/his pics. he/she is sharing stuff about what's happening in his/her life, plans and he /she is also listening to problems of the friend via chat and providing solutions... would you be totally happy about this? your partner chatting with a person of opposite sex and giving him/her attention, spending time and energy on her/him, remembering her /his likes and dislikes and what she/he says, sharing stuff etc...? 2) and .... then after a few years of chatting the friend decides to visit the country you and your partner are living in... and your partner likes her/him to stay in your house and you both will be the friend's tour guides for 2 weeks (your partner is willing to take her/him places, you are having to tag along because you don't want just two of them to go) how would you feel about that? Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Consolidate material from duplicate threads Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 Just as IRL, big difference between casual conversation and “creating a bond”. I’d expect my partner to respect healthy boundaries in either case. You don’t get a pass to have inappropriate interaction with someone just because it’s online... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 "Bonding" no. Friendships yes. In the group of friends we hang close with I could say that would not be an issue what so ever for any of the spouse's to do that if they wanted. If my wife did or does currently I don't mind at all. However I don't think that's the mainstream attitude about it. FB/Social Media has been the bane of many relationships. Read some of the threads in here about someone is very upset their SO is communicating with the wrong person of one of the opposite sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 how do you feel about married men/women chatting with people of the opposite sex on FB/Whatsapp/Viber whatever way? Spending time and energy on someone, sharing things with them.. creating a bond... is this okay to do or will you be unhappy if your spouse did it? not OK, at all. But it comes down to YOU, is it OK with you? I'm guessing if the situation were reversed, your partner wouldn't be ok with this behavior either. It's baffling to me how people have so much idle time to invest in other relationships online Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 I chat online with one of my editors, and we've become friends. My husband also chats with him. We mostly talk about parenting, current events, etc. To me, it's okay because it's all above board. My spouse is welcome to see what I'm typing and join the conversation. Nothing is ever hidden. Ever. My husband has my passwords and I have his, and we are both welcome to browse through each other's social media accounts should we wish to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 (edited) The way you describe it op? No, that is highly inappropriate and sounds more like emotional cheating. My wife has some male friends online, none of whom she has been involved with in the past and none of whom she actually carries a meaningful conversation with. She doesn't hide anything from me and has offered passwords and whatnot to me in the past but I have always not bothered with them because that's not what I want to do, just knowing she would at anytime is enough for me and I would do the same. Now years ago in the past she had friended a guy she had hooked up with before she started seeing me (friended him after we had been together for a year). I know they had bantered back and forth and spoke with each other via phone about issues that she should have been discussing with me. I was rather uncomfortable and explained my feelings. She didn't think it was a big deal as she didn't feel anything towards him and was reluctant to unfriend him. I was cool with that and decided to friend some of my previous hookups. She knew I did and needless to say she uNfriended the guy within minutes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though the intentions to do anything might not be there, the potential for long term problems will be. Communication is also paramount and if that fails then equality will win the day. Edited January 11, 2019 by loversquarrel 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 Is it basically a pen-pal scenario, or is there flirting? I'd be fine with the former, but not the latter. I did essentially what the OP is describing, for years, with women all over the world. When I was a kid, I had postal mail pen-pals in Europe and Caribbean, and that hobby continued as an adult. After about 6 years, my pen-pal from Japan came to visit, stayed with us, and I took her around Boston - she came to run in the Boston Marathon that year. We never flirted, never dated, never had sex - but she was (and still is) a good friend. I had another in Bombay. I met her (and her husband and daughter) when they visited New York. So, it depends on the situation. It can be completely benign, or it can edge over into an emotional affair. Without reading the conversations, you can only guess. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 Chatting -- as long as it doesn't interfere with us or take the place of talking to the spouse, sure no problem. Inviting an opposite sex pen pal to stay in our home . . hold on a second. Was there a discussion with the spouse 1st? Why can't this guest stay in a hotel? That seems way off base to me & would cause a huge fight. Strangers I have never met & my SO only knows from the internet do not get to come to our house. Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 I’d definitely have a problem with opposite sex friend in the house. I wouldn’t particularly be fond of the tour guide thing either but I guess that’d be ok. Chatting with opposite sex I have no problem with as long as it’s not intimate stuff. But that’s just me on chat - I know a lot of people who feel different if you’re married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 Just to say, I am not a jealous person in any way and my partner is welcome to talk with whoever he wants, whenever he wants... If an old friend came to town, needed a place to stay and someone to show them around... I would have no problem with that assuming they respected healthy and appropriate boundaries. As for your first example, that's not respecting healthy or appropriate boundaries. I would not be impressed if my partner was having frequent and lengthy discussions online with another woman. Maintaining the occasional contact, no problem. Chatting for extended periods of time, several times a week... No way, no how. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 Personally, I do not think married or otherwise committed people should be chatting at all with the opposite sex on social media unless they are a confirmed old friend. I don't see why someone gets married if they're not done fishing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted January 12, 2019 Author Share Posted January 12, 2019 not OK, at all. But it comes down to YOU, is it OK with you? I'm guessing if the situation were reversed, your partner wouldn't be ok with this behavior either. It's baffling to me how people have so much idle time to invest in other relationships online this is not a situation i am facing. but a situation a dear friend is in... who is not a member of our site... i got to know this situation and i am wanting to know if most people would treat this as "normal" Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted January 12, 2019 Author Share Posted January 12, 2019 Chatting -- as long as it doesn't interfere with us or take the place of talking to the spouse, sure no problem. Inviting an opposite sex pen pal to stay in our home . . hold on a second. Was there a discussion with the spouse 1st? Why can't this guest stay in a hotel? That seems way off base to me & would cause a huge fight. Strangers I have never met & my SO only knows from the internet do not get to come to our house. yes, there was a discussion with the spouse and she has said okay, i know the couple very well and it's making me wonder what's going on.. yes, if this ever happened to me i would not be okay with it too.... it is bothering me a lot and that's why i posted... like you said i am of the opinion that "Strangers I have never met & my SO only knows from the internet do not get to come to our house" too.. i have known this couple for years and i am wondering if she is really liking this or if she is keeping her mouth shut just to keep peace Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted January 12, 2019 Author Share Posted January 12, 2019 Personally, I do not think married or otherwise committed people should be chatting at all with the opposite sex on social media unless they are a confirmed old friend. I don't see why someone gets married if they're not done fishing. yes.... i think the same way... Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted January 12, 2019 Share Posted January 12, 2019 this is not a situation i am facing. but a situation a dear friend is in... who is not a member of our site... i got to know this situation and i am wanting to know if most people would treat this as "normal" easy peezy, change the pronouns though, i do find it odd when a post is about a 'friend' and not by the person who is concerns, as it adds a whole other layer of potential implications that obscure the reasons for the query. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Joyce Simmons Posted January 12, 2019 Share Posted January 12, 2019 What’s the difference between creating a bond vs friendship? Is bond like when the person starts sharing their problems? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 easy peezy, change the pronouns though, i do find it odd when a post is about a 'friend' and not by the person who is concerns, as it adds a whole other layer of potential implications that obscure the reasons for the query. My story is a different one..i don't have a husband... i have been the other woman for some time and have recently stopped.. i am going through my own pain.. what made me post this here is the realization that these days many men seem to be chatting with other women and it hit me hard that i will soon be searching for a partner who is available and willing to make me his number one (not number two) and i do not like my would be partner to be chatting with other women and sharing things,spending time and energy on them and i am trying to find out what's normal.... am i being unreasonable in expecting a partner who won't chat with others or is what my friend doing out of boundaries etc... in short i am confused about why a married man would spend time and energy on another woman and give her attention... is this how all men are? is this categorized as "acceptable" behavior nowadays? just so many things to think about.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 What’s the difference between creating a bond vs friendship? Is bond like when the person starts sharing their problems? sharing problems, not being willing to give up the other person even though the husband/wife knows this chatting is making their spouse uncomfortable... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 also, since the thought "am i expecting too much by hoping for a man who won't chat with other women online" bothered me too much i asked the male in question why he is chatting with women online and he said he shall have the freedom to chat... while he sees it as freedom i see it as a disrespect to the wife that he is taking care of other women online, spending time on them... Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I’m single and prefer to chat with single men. (Unless the married man has something I need) Link to post Share on other sites
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 I think the chatting is OK as long as other things are present. The nature of the friendship is transparent, and the chatting doesn't take away from the relationship. Your partner shouldn't have to persuade your attention away from the pen pal. No flirting, because I personally don't think it's appropriate. I realize some people have leeway with this, so this preference can vary depending on the severity. Good sense of self esteem with high confidence in the relationship. I say this, because people with low self esteem in unhappy relationships seem to be vulnerable to getting attached to other people out of need for validation. Don't talk intimate relationship problems with the pen pal. These are things you discuss with your partner or therapist. The other person is only getting your side of the story, and they may not respect your relationship as much as is appropriate. The thing about the pen pal staying at the house is just strange. Why? That's what hotels are for. This is a stranger. Not an old college roommate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 From personal experience, I say chatting with no romance in mind at all is okay as long as you know for sure that your spouse(s) would be or are okay with it. If you have to keep it secret than something is, wrong, duplicitous. Depends if the spouse is the jealous type. . Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 From personal experience, I say chatting with no romance in mind at all is okay as long as you know for sure that your spouse(s) would be or are okay with it. If you have to keep it secret than something is, wrong, duplicitous. Depends if the spouse is the jealous type. . and if the spouse is not okay with the chatting.... and the partner continues doing so ...? Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 I have one male internet friend I've known for like... probably close to half my life at this point. We chat occasionally. We used to flirt a little bit a few years ago when I was newly divorced, but I halted that abruptly when my fiancé and I got together. I wouldn't have an issue with my fiancé having similar conversations of similar frequency with a long-standing female friend/acquaintance. I wouldn't mind if he wanted to read my conversations, either. That being said, if my fiancé ever asked me straight-up to stop chatting with any and all dudes on the internet besides family... I'd do it. Simple as that... though he might change his mind if I had to drop that particular friend and started sending my occasional and sometimes EXTREMELY off-color/non-PC thoughts, jokes, memes, etc. to HIM instead. Having an internet stranger come stay with us in our house, though?! Nope! Far too much potential for trouble there, even if not of the romantic/sexual variety. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 and if the spouse is not okay with the chatting.... and the partner continues doing so ...? A spouse should have "veto" power over any specific friend IMO. There is (or should be) a recognized social hierarchy when in a marriage and the spouse should rank a LOT higher that all but the most genuinely dedicated and loyal friends (and even than most of those). If not, there's a problem. I flirt with plenty of women (not the innuendo kind, the talking, joking, getting to know them kind). Generally, although I have conversations, I'll tone it down a bit when with my spouse. IF my spouse ever feels genuinely threatened and asks me to end a friendship it's an easy choice - I should do it. Queens outrank pawns (and even rooks and bishops). If the spouse is not ok with chatting and a partner won't stop, IMO the spouse should INSIST that it end and then start applying their levers within the marriage IF necessary. This can start damaging the marriage (but it already is if the spouse genuinely feels threatened) so should be done with caution and ended as soon as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
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