Couples who stuck it out despite your doubts...worth it or regret it?

[Jas]

Ok, first off - I know that relationships involve risk and are not all puppies and rainbows. However, I am just wondering how many of you went through a phase where you were seriously wondering if you were making a mistake? You questioned your long-term compatibility, whether your needs were being met, whether your personalities really complimented each other's or not....you get the idea.

 

If you stayed - are you happy? How did you extinguish the doubts? Did you alter your relationship in any way? (Take a step back, slow down somehow..)

If you left - do you regret it? Do you think you gave up too soon?

 

I'm going through this situation right now, and I can't determine whether I'm just too hard to please and having commitment fears - or if this is a sign that we're not meant for each other and I should chalk it up as an learning experience and bail. :: Sigh :: This inner tug of war is really taking its toll. Not to mention my fiancé is aware of how I'm feeling (to a certain extent) and it makes me feel so bad b/c he is confident in us and it's crushing him that I am feeling this way.

 

Well, enough about me...I want to hear your stories.

[Mz. Pixie]

What kind of issues are making you have doubts?? If you're thinking at this point you're not getting your needs met then I would think carefully about marrying this person. If you have doubts about his honesty, his character or his ability to be faithful I would rethink it as well.

[Jas]

Well it is hard for me to determine if my needs are unrealistic. They may be. He is very loving, and affectionate and this will probably sound silly...but I sit and ponder the fact that he has never bought me flowers, little gifts, never surprises me, rarely tells me I'm pretty/look nice and never gives me back massages even though I've told him I would like more back rubs in our relationship . I have mentioned liking and wanting all of the above.

 

I realize maybe our love languages are different = meaning different things make us feel loved. Maybe I need to express my needs more clearly and seriously. But do people really change how they show their love?

 

He is faithful. I have no doubts there. He is a very good person. Sometimes I do question his character. He doesn't always follow through w/ what he says he'll do. Not really huge things, but still. This makes me nervous about our future. I am very independent, and it is hard for me to put myself in a position where I am entrusting someone else who may not be so reliable.

[Mz. Pixie]

Jas-

Yes, your love languages could be different. Has he read the book as well??

 

Marriage is a chance, any way you look at it. I would say if you think you can live with his negative traits just as well as you do with the positive and you trust him, then that's a great basis to start from.

 

Putting your life in another's hands is very scary indeed....

[ReluctantRomeo]

Well it is hard for me to determine if my needs are unrealistic. They may be. He is very loving, and affectionate and this will probably sound silly...but I sit and ponder the fact that he has never bought me flowers, little gifts, never surprises me, rarely tells me I'm pretty/look nice and never gives me back massages even though I've told him I would like more back rubs in our relationship . I have mentioned liking and wanting all of the above.

 

Train him! Most of us guys need to be taught in these matters. We have no instinct to guide us here. Unless someone shows us, we just don't get why flowers are important to you and much you will appreciate them.

 

Lead by example and by encouraging and making it seem fun, not nagging. Set the bar low (at first, at least). Reward him for every little step in the right direction. Don't expect him to get it all right at once.

[MAINMAN1]

I dont know exactly what your situation is Jas but your vague posts make it sound to me like either you are being too picky and potentialy ruining a relationship with someone who, by your own admision really cares about u (those kinds of relationships dont grow on trees, yes there are plenty of fish in the sea no matter where you live - but there are plenty of freaks and weirdos out there too) - OR your man is not a challenge to you. I.E. he is Ross from freinds, he is Mark Rufalo, he is the nice guy who has no opinion-no balls- and no spine. And before you rant against me about how wrong I am consider this- You know as well as I do how very intuitive Women are ... Just one major moment where your man should step up on something and he doesnt do it can influence for months your thoughts about him as a Man.

If he does have balls then maybe you should think about your role in things and see if you are really the absolute saint your self image tells you that you are - maybe you spend too much time thinking about how little he does to realize the daily little things he does do. Be thankfull that he isnt as wishy washy as you are or you wouldnt have the upper hand in your relationshp that you obviously think you do - because he obviously is/was more confident in your shared feelings for each other than you are.

[Jas]

Ouch MainMan. I appreciate your reply, but I really don't think what you have to say applies to this situation. So I may have more doubts about our relationship than he does, but this is not a desireable situation to be in! I don't want to lose this! If having the "upper hand" in a relationship means being the one to go to counselling, reading relationship books w/ my partner and doing everything I can to maintain it - then yes, I guess I will accept that role. I'm not sitting by, complaining while allowing my relationship go to s***. I'm doing things to try to improve it. Including sharing my needs w/ my man. I don't consider myself a saint, and as I've said - this may be due to my own commitment issues, but so far if there is a need of his that I am not meeting - he hasn't made me aware of any.

 

And my thoughts about him as a man are influenced by all of his behaviors. Considering I am planning to marry him, for LIFE - yes, of course I'm going to pay attention to how dilligent he is w/ handling his matters. We're talking about the future father of my children here.

 

MzPixie- No, he hasn't read that book yet. We'll have to check it out together and evaluate.

 

Romeo - good advice, thanks. I will try to be more positive and encourage him a bit. I find it hard to suggest these things without seeming demanding though, you know what I mean?

 

I appreciate all the other comments. But seriously - have any of you been in a similar spot? Or were you both confident throughout your relationship?

[dgiirl]

Jas, you are marrying my stbxh.

 

I too thought I was being too picky and needy and thought I could get past it. We started living together, and then after two years I mentioned maybe we should get married and we got married. He didnt even propose to me. I've never received ANY tokens of affection from him. Whenever I asked for flowers or jewlery or anything his excuse was he didnt believe in halmark material stuff to show me how much he loves me.

 

Right from the beginning, we started having intimacy problems. He told me he couldnt be close to me unless we were fully intimate. I needed affection from him, to hug him without it always going to sex. I needed to hear he loved me, and for him to hold my hand, but he never did. I accepted this, and never tried to change him. We had different sleeping times, never went to bed at the same time. He spent a lot of time on the computer, and in order to spend time with him, I joined him. We would go out together, and he'd never hold my hand. The only time he'd hug me is in front of a camera, and it felt very uncomfortable. We'd go to a resturant with a group of people and he'd sit anywhere he wanted without even thinking if there was a spot for me to sit next to him.

 

However, without realizing it, I started to become depressed. I started to get anxiety. I started getting anxiety every time he came near me, because I felt he only wanted me for sex. Since he was never affectionate, and I was depressed, I didnt want to be intimate. Atleast it took me a long time to want to. He always made the advances and he felt he was begging for sex. This took a huge hit on his self esteem and so we both ended up in depression for years. Over the years, I knew something was wrong with me, and I would try to talk to him, and he reassured me everything was fine. I couldnt see clearly what was going on.

 

7 months ago, he finally met someone, told her everything he felt, said he's been unhappy for years, and then came home on valentines day said he wants a divorce and left the next day never to return. He left our marriage. You know what he tells me now? He never wanted to be married. He never loved me. You know how ashamed that makes me feel? Here I was all these years accepting him not doing the little affectionate things because I felt he loved me and it didnt matter. The fact that he didnt propose to me didnt mater, he still loved me. And then 8 years later, he comes home one day and says he wants a divorce and never ONCE tried to go to counselling or anything. Never once told me he's been unhappy. And now has the balls to tell me he never wanted to get married.

 

Please learn something from my story. It's not needy or demanding to want affection. It's not the actual gifts that matter, but it is the meaning behind receiving them. It shows that they cared. And if he refuses to meet this basic need, then he has to go. He has to understand that it's something you need and that it makes you happy. I read someplace (forget where now) that women need affection to want intimacy. men need intimacy to want affection. This sums up my marriage.

[megabit15]

Romeo - good advice, thanks. I will try to be more positive and encourage him a bit. I find it hard to suggest these things without seeming demanding though, you know what I mean?

 

I appreciate all the other comments. But seriously - have any of you been in a similar spot? Or were you both confident throughout your relationship?

 

I don't think I've ever been 100% confident in a relationship!

 

Although I am not in your shoes in getting married, I hope this helps to give you some ideas.

 

I had a good friend once who told me to treat myself how I want others to treat me. So, if I'm not getting flowers and I want them, I buy 'em for me and if I need a massage, I get one from a professional masseuse. But I'd ask myself, Is it the 'thing' I want, or is it the special consideration that it shows? Do you not feel 'special' enough? As you've said, maybe he shows it in different ways and requires some training.

 

So how do you train him?

 

My guy used to tell me how beautiful I was to him, send little notes during the day, take turns picking out things to do, bring flowers, etc. Then he got very busy with work, and romantic non-sexual affection and communication dwindled. I spoke with him about how I felt invisible, he said he was really busy and he didn't see it changing. I was starting to think maybe he was having an affair. After giving it a lot of thought, I decided that I should not be exclusive with him anymore. I realized that if I was continually feeling bad about me by 'being' with him, then I should stop being with him! I wrote him a non-judgemental letter which told him my decision, the things which bothered me, how I felt about them, and made sure to end the letter with all the things that I did love about him and the things he has done to make me feel special. A week later we were back together, and guess what he has done since then? Everything I had in the letter that I told him made me feel special. (Geez, maybe I should've put some wishful thinking in that letter!)

 

Now when I'm feeling stressed, sometimes I take his hands and put them where I need a massage. Or I just snuggle up against him or lay my head on his shoulder, etc. If I've been doing all the choosing of restaurants or movies, I ask him playfully where we are going or going to see. He usually obliges. I show enthusiasm for the things I enjoy, and lots of appreciation for when he does them. If he doesn't do them, I do it for myself and tell him how much fun I had. Seriously. Then he realizes that he's missing out and I'm not. In general, I try not to make all of my needs his responsibility because I truly believe that my happiness is my own responsibility. Sometimes, he really is preoccupied with work. (I see his hectic schedule) I'm okay with that because sometimes I need my space, girlfriend time or have extra work too. I don't think one person is going to fulfill my every need or wish, but there are some that he'd better fulfill! Decide which ones are musts, which ones are nice to haves, and which ones are superficial.

 

Relationships do require compromise, but we should not compromise ourselves in the process.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Romeo - good advice, thanks. I will try to be more positive and encourage him a bit. I find it hard to suggest these things without seeming demanding though, you know what I mean?

 

My pleasure!

 

Well, why don't you make a list (for yourself) of the 3 things you would most like to see more of. Let's say for the sake of argument that one of them is back rubs. Next time you're together and it's a good moment, say your back aches a little and ask him to rub it. He may not do a very good job the first time, but encourage him and be responsive. Reward him somehow - tell him it's a turn on or just tell him how wonderful he is and how you love his hands. Whatever is both honest and something he'll like.

 

Let's say that flowers is another one. Tell him about someone in the office who got surprise flowers and say "I bet he's getting lucky tonight". Or again, whatever you think will motivate your man.

 

The trick is to make him feel that doing these things are fun and open opportunities for him, not you punishing or nagging. Be patient, persistent, and above all, optimistic. Megabit and Dgiirl make valid points, but I think you should start with the positive assumption that he just doesn't understand yet, but will want to learn - extreme measures should only be considered if fun ones don't work.

[Chimerical]

I'd known my exH for 4 years before he proposed. (I never asked, or begged, or even said I wanted marriage from him prior to this.) We were watching football, because he liked the game and I was trying to be supportive of his hobbies. During half time, he turns to me and says "you wanna get married?". I thought he was joking, or something. So I say "yeah, sure." Next thing I know he's got a ring out and is beaming at me from ear to ear, and slips it on my finger. I was in shock, to say the least.

 

This is probably the best example I have for his wonderful sense of being romantic. I hate football.

 

Anyway, I wasn't sure I wanted to get married. Overall, the relationship was good. I couldn't give you a single example of why I shouldn't have wanted to get married, so I chalked it up to fear. I delayed the marriage for a year, and still couldn't get comfortable with the idea. The worst part was, I couldn't put my finger on way I shouldn't want to get married. I felt foolish, and as if this was all my fault. Like I was a freak or something. Isn' that the American dream? To get married and raise a family? Here I had a loving, wonderful man who wanted to marry me, and I didn't know if I wanted it.

 

Long story short. We're divorced now. I initiated the divorce. Looking back I understand why I was leery, and I should have followed my gut instinct. I don't think from the way you talk that your situation is quite as ... lacking in trust as mine was. It came down to the fact that I couldn't trust him. He was completely irresponsible with money. He was selfish, and his idea of being good to me was buying me something he wanted.

 

Also, I KNEW I shouldn't have said yes when he gave me the ring. But I squelched it. Buried it as deep as possible. Not conciously, but I knew I didn't want to get married. I tried talking to him about it at first, but it hurt him so badly that I finally just stopped talking to anyone about it. And the entire time we were engaged, I wasn't happy really. Kind of the same as you are talking about... stressed, feeling weighed down, struggling with what's right and wrong... Wondering if I was crazy, or too picky, or too something.. Difference is, my first reaction was NO. Not after a while wondering if I did the right thing, or if I should get married, or if he was really "the one"... I just didn't listen to what my gut was saying.

 

What was your initial reaction to his proposal? When did you start questioning whether you should marry him? Had you ever questioned the long term prospect of your relationship before the proposal? If not, was it because you hadn't been thinking of long term and only thinking of the now?

[Chimerical]

I was going to add.... We actually stayed married for nearly 5 years. The first two years were fine... great. The last three were a slow march into darkness for me, and I am so scared of getting trapped into something like that again.

 

P.s. He is a good guy, a wonderful man who loved me very much. Not abusive in anyway. No drug/alcohol addictions, no secret lovers on the side. He was as good to me as he knew how. It just ended up he didn't have a clue what I wanted or needed from a relationship, and he didn't listen when I would tell him.

 

P.s.s. Flowers are HIGHLY overrated. And I've never understood why it's accepted as a sign of love. You pick up the phone, call the florist, give them your CC number and an address. Total time: 7 minutes. Frankly, the back rub's and other caring gestures show a lot more love then some flowers. Besides, they're expensive and die quickly.

[Jas]

P.s. He is a good guy, a wonderful man who loved me very much. Not abusive in anyway. No drug/alcohol addictions, no secret lovers on the side. He was as good to me as he knew how. It just ended up he didn't have a clue what I wanted or needed from a relationship, and he didn't listen when I would tell him.

 

I think what you said here is my biggest fear. I guess when you hear about relationships ending, it usually involves something substantial: cheating, lies, abuse etc. Since he and I are two good people who love each other and don't have any of that, I guess I figured this was something most people go through when they are about to take the plunge.

 

Megabit and Romeo - you both offered some great pointers! I especially like the "must haves, would be nice, and superficial needs." and Romeo you're clever! I would have never thought up ideas like that on my own. Thank you.

 

dgiirl - Although my guy is very affectionate (grabs my hand, displays his affection even more than I do), I can see that your point is mainly about needs and how each person is unique in what they need to feel loved. I'm sorry you had to endure a marriage with someone who seems very inconsiderate, confused, and basically admitted he doesn't think for himself. The way he chose to explain himself is just foul.

 

Mostly I think our differences boil down to our love languages, and that when we fight we are both only looking at our own feelings - not the other's. I am slowly seeing progress in our fights. They are not as defensive and hostile as they've been in the past. The problem is they are still happening often enough that it is chipping away at his confidence now, too.

 

Also, my doctor thinks I am depressed, or have some other chemical imbalance - which doesn't make much sense since I am only upset about this ONE aspect of my life. Work, family, school is all ok...relationship=stress. This has added stress to my fiancé because he feels he makes the people he loves miserable.

 

To conclude, just last night I found out that he is not as confident that his Non-deployable Army Reserves unit is not going to be deployed. It is just a feeling he is getting from their recent commands, but that was definitely a shock to my system. I think it has made me put some perspective on things. I don't want to look back at anything and feel I took him for granted. I want to have positive memories that outweigh these negative times. Times will be tough if he gets deployed, so we need to work on gaining some stability now.

[Chimerical]

I don't have very good advice really, but here goes. I think that unless you are willing to walk away from your relationship, and your fiance forever, then the next logical step in a relationship is marriage. You can postpone it, and that might make you feel more confident about making that kind of commitment. But if you don't want to end the relationship, then drop the fears. Keep looking forward, and try to make it the best relationship you can.

 

It sounds to me as if your man is trying, and that he's a good person. I don't believe in "the One" out there. I believe we have to find the best person we can, and work our butts off to keep the relationship running smoothly. And if we chose wisely, then the other person will work hard also.

 

I wouldn't do anything different in my life. I know to listen to my gut now, but I don't regret any of my decisions.

 

My parents have been married for over 35 years, very happily. My Mom say's that she had concerns prior to marriage. Dad wasn't exactly a... responsible and upstanding young man. She either whipped him into shape, or maybe he just wasn't afraid of responsiblity, but either way they've raised two fairly well adjusted kids, and are happier today then they were when they married.

 

They don't all have unhappy endings.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Romeo you're clever! I would have never thought up ideas like that on my own. Thank you.

 

Thanks!

 

I don't believe in "the One" out there. I believe we have to find the best person we can, and work our butts off to keep the relationship running smoothly. And if we chose wisely, then the other person will work hard also.

 

I think I'm gonna have to strongly disagree with that earlier comment of yours that you "don't have good advice really". This is excellent.

 

A wise person once said: "you don't marry someone who is the right person, but someone who becomes the right person".

[megabit15]

It sounds to me as if your man is trying, and that he's a good person. I don't believe in "the One" out there. I believe we have to find the best person we can, and work our butts off to keep the relationship running smoothly. And if we chose wisely, then the other person will work hard also.

 

This is so true - it's good that you are seeing what type of person your man is before marrying. By this I mean the 'real work' of a relationship.

 

Mostly I think our differences boil down to our love languages, and that when we fight we are both only looking at our own feelings - not the other's. I am slowly seeing progress in our fights. They are not as defensive and hostile as they've been in the past. The problem is they are still happening often enough that it is chipping away at his confidence now, too.

 

He sounds open-minded and willing to accept responsibility. (You both do - that's very refreshing!) My ex-husbad was not willing to accept any responsibility in 'fixing' our marriage. As long as I was the one who was 'wrong' and working at 'getting better', then he was happy. But if any marriage counselor asked what he was doing - he'd insist on a new counselor. We'd gone through several before our divorce.

 

How a person resolves conflicts and how open they are to discussion is now on my 'must have' list. Didn't know to look for this before I was married.

 

Also, my doctor thinks I am depressed, or have some other chemical imbalance - which doesn't make much sense since I am only upset about this ONE aspect of my life. Work, family, school is all ok...relationship=stress. This has added stress to my fiancé because he feels he makes the people he loves miserable.

 

Many people go through situational depression at appropriate times in their lives. It signals us that 'something' needs adjustment. Clinical depression however, is not to be taken lightly. There are many web tests available for depression screening. Here's a link for one. I have no idea if you are clinically depressed or not, but wouldn't want you to ignore this if this is truly a problem. Besides, I think it's good to get a more objective perspective than we can sometimes give ourselves.

http://www.lexapro.com/english/about_depression/self_screener.aspx??PlacementGUID=F5DDBC11-5B29-4B72-B838-76B6EC650D4A

 

This has added stress to my fiancé because he feels he makes the people he loves miserable.

 

This is where the approach you take may be able to make a difference. I am assuming that there are many positives in your relationship for you both to be engaged. By focusing on the positives and giving him appreciation and credit for what you do love about him can help to keep his perspective (and yours) in balance. (Not that you ignore negatives - that will lead to anger and depression)

 

I have found that the way I deal with the negatives has a significant impact on the tone of all relationships. For example, if I focus on what I do not like, the don't likes grow bigger and I start resenting the other person. If I am only complaining, complaints will be my focus and life loses it's luster and fun. If I approach people in a non-judgemental/light hearted way during conflict, I can make it safe/fun for the other person to address things constructively. Pro and Con lists during times of inner conflict help me to keep perspective.

 

The other person needs to hear lots of postives when telling them negatives.

I once read that for every negative you bring up, there should be 3 positives, because we tend to blow negatives out of proportion when they are directed at us. Reminds me of the saying: 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar'.

 

I am not saying you are doing this as I would have no way of knowing. I don't know if he is able to meet your must have needs. That may be why you are feeling depressed. I'm just presenting other ideas as devil's advocate. When depression signals us to adjust, sometimes the way we are handling things can make all the difference, and sometimes we just have to admit that what we thought was solid was wishful thinking instead of reality.

 

It's all just food for thought and I hope it helps somewhat.

[dgiirl]

Everyone has given such great advice. I wish I had the insight to realize there were serious problems in my marriage and that I should get help. I think all of our problems could have been resolved, or atleast we could have gone our separate ways much earlier. Unfortunately, I was too depressed and full of anxiety to know better. My story is the outcome of ignoring problems for way too long. Obviously, I loved my husband and he did many things for me. It is very hard for me to focus on them at this moment. But what was mentioned before, we each had different needs and failed to meet the other's needs. Focus on the good things he does for you, but at the same time do not ignore your own needs. If you feel something's "off" get help.

[ReluctantRomeo]

My story is the outcome of ignoring problems for way too long... Focus on the good things he does for you, but at the same time do not ignore your own needs. If you feel something's "off" get help.

 

Definitely. A stitch in time saves nine is sooooo appropriate in relationships.

[bab]

You've gotten some great advice. Especially in how to communicate what your love language is to your guy. At the same time, look out for how he does express his love.

 

In the 5 years my fiance and I have been dating, I've never received flowers. He gives an occassional backrub, when I ask. I've gotten 3 pieces of jewlery, one being the engagement ring. So, he doesn't rank exceptionally high on the traditional romance list. BUT...

I went to visit my dad this weekend, and my fiance loaned me his car because mine needed an oil change. Sunday he went and bought my oil and oil filter. Monday morning he got up quietly and let me sleep in while he changed my oil in my car. Now this might not be something Hallmark is going to write about, but it meant that he was thinking of me. It was a need he understood, and he wanted and did take care of it even thought I never asked him to. Don't overlook these simple signs. Allow yourself to feel loved even with the simpilest gestures.

[Jas]

Wow. I'm not even going to try to quote the good ones this time. I am at work, after all

 

You guys have given me a ton of good and more importantly - postive ideas and approaches to try. I'm definitely going to go back and read this thread when I'm having a relapse of doubtful thinking!

 

It occured to me last night that the relationship is going to be what I/we make of it. I was thinking similarly to what Chimerical described in her? post, and I didn't even read it until today! I have been reluctant to get myself further involved with finances and joint obligations - thinking that we'd better take precautions "just in case it doesn't work out." But if I keep living life and conducting our relationship too cautiously, it's never going to happen! I don't want this to sound as though I'm disregarding all warning signs and potential issues - but like other's have said- he is a good man. I'm not unhappy with him, we just need to grow and make some improvements.

 

Someone commented on their parents' relationship improving over time, and I have to consider that we are not going to be the exact same people we are now. He's already changed some of his behaviours because he knows they are important to me, and vice versa.

 

I think we'll be just fine. I told him last night I wanted this to be the beginning of a good streak and I meant it. I'm going to look at the pros before the cons and realize I'm one of the lucky ones...sometimes I just need a reminder.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[megabit15]

My pleasure!

 

Well, why don't you make a list (for yourself) of the 3 things you would most like to see more of. Let's say for the sake of argument that one of them is back rubs. Next time you're together and it's a good moment, say your back aches a little and ask him to rub it. He may not do a very good job the first time, but encourage him and be responsive. Reward him somehow - tell him it's a turn on or just tell him how wonderful he is and how you love his hands. Whatever is both honest and something he'll like.

 

Let's say that flowers is another one. Tell him about someone in the office who got surprise flowers and say "I bet he's getting lucky tonight". Or again, whatever you think will motivate your man.

 

The trick is to make him feel that doing these things are fun and open opportunities for him, not you punishing or nagging. Be patient, persistent, and above all, optimistic. Megabit and Dgiirl make valid points, but I think you should start with the positive assumption that he just doesn't understand yet, but will want to learn - extreme measures should only be considered if fun ones don't work.

 

BTW Romeo - I neglected to mention that this is the best example of training I've seen in print. Thanks very much for sharing - I certainly needed to hear / be reminded of it too.

 

Jas, I wish you and your fiance much happiness and success.

[ReluctantRomeo]

BTW Romeo - I neglected to mention that this is the best example of training I've seen in print. Thanks very much for sharing - I certainly needed to hear / be reminded of it too.

 

Thanks for saying this - I really appreciate it

 

Although the credit should really go to the Juliets - a couple of them have been *excellent* trainers. They helped turn me from an awkward boy who wanted to please but had no clue how, into the Romantic Romeo I am today. I was just writing down one or two of their strategies

[sanso]

It occured to me last night that the relationship is going to be what I/we make of it.....

....we just need to grow and make some improvements.

Wow! This thread is great!

 

Jas, you totally described my H of 8 months to a "T" in your first post.

 

I have been following all types of advice to come to an understanding in the relationship. There are stages and steps in EVERYTHING! AA has 12 after all!

 

I had to realize that I am married and there are TWO of us, not just me. I'm not always going to get my way! I'm a lot younger than my H (by 13 years), and I have to meet his maturity halfway and not throw fits like a little girl. There is no "my way or the highway" in marriage. You will never change one to match the other. You will grow into a new single entity as a couple, if that makes sense. He was single for a very long time and has to get used to two, just as much as I do. babs oil change story is a good example of finding ways he does show his thoughtfulness, even if it doesn't match out preconceived notions of "romance."

My bottom line is always open communication without blame or judgement.