Long-term problem; unable to get dates

[Happy Lemming]

To basil67:

 

I'm just trying to figure out why the OP has the ability to talk to people everywhere in public, but does not have the ability to approach a woman at a pub or bar. My goal was to figure out what artifact makes this action impossible for him. You can substitute "book store" for any public area other than a bar/pub.

 

Meeting women in real life has never been difficult for me, so I was making the assumption that it was a task that could be accomplished by the OP with a few suggestions and some "trial and error". I was thinking he could take a small step here and there until he gets over his fear and gains some confidence. There appears to be a flaw in my logic.

 

In the end, I don't think any of my ideas will assist the OP. Perhaps you or some of the other posters can help him...

[basil67]

To basil67:

 

I'm just trying to figure out why the OP has the ability to talk to people everywhere in public, but does not have the ability to approach a woman at a pub or bar. My goal was to figure out what artifact makes this action impossible for him. You can substitute "book store" for any public area other than a bar/pub.

 

Meeting women in real life has never been difficult for me, so I was making the assumption that it was a task that could be accomplished by the OP with a few suggestions and some "trial and error". I was thinking he could take a small step here and there until he gets over his fear and gains some confidence. There appears to be a flaw in my logic.

 

In the end, I don't think any of my ideas will assist the OP. Perhaps you or some of the other posters can help him...

 

I would guess the OP is OK chatting in a scenario where introductions are made. Or at least an event where one can say to the person standing next to them "so, how do you know the host?" My hubby is a bit like this - he can chat with anyone, as long as the scenario is one where you'd expect to be meeting new people. He's never been the type to do cold approaches. (he and I were set up by mutual friends)

 

I've tried to help the OP in previous posts, but he's told me that my ideas are incorrect. I've got nothing more to offer other than to simply say that cold approaches are not for everyone.

[Happy Lemming]

To basil67:

 

I didn't read or contribute to the "other thread" you referenced.

 

I'm sure my ideas will be dismissed, as well.

 

I figured OP could get over his fear of "cold approaching women" bit by bit, but he probably can't or won't.

[Chris2016]

I believe I do have masculine energy, albeit not as much as some other men. It's something I've looked into, and the suggestions are along the lines of; talk slowly, maintain eye-contact, physically escalate etc. I do all of these. I also go to the gym.

 

Be mindful when comparing yourself to others, which can lead to feelings of not being good enough. We don't all fit in one mold, and that's fine too.

 

Here are some examples of men who in my opinion don't fit the masculinity mold, and both are married to woman and have several children:

 

• James Corden - I thought was gay, from the way he speaks, acts, looks.
  
• Jared Kushner - I think looks effeminate
  

 

Since you're working on yourself, and you were suggested that masculinity equates attraction, I wanted to also suggest otherwise (that non-masculinity can also equate attraction) and show some examples.

Edited January 12, 2019 by Chris2016

[chillii]

I have always turned down guys who I don't know who have attempted to speak to me in public with the intention of securing a date.

Bottom line is I do not know who they are, that is the main problem.

 

Guy here who was a bit of an expert on cold approaches said it would take him 50 cold approaches in the middle of a big UK city to get one proper date, ie she actually showed up and they go out on a date.

 

 

Yeah l would've thought that too.

Back in the day l never ever bothered myself and the once or twice l did she was just out playing with a bf at home already or some rubbish anyway.

l soon learnt that when girls are out somewhere, she might eye you off all day night long but it doesn't necessarily mean a thing.

At least that was my conclusion anyway.

And really , even if whatever they said was just an excuse really you couldn't blame them because they don't know you from Adam so l'd imagine not too many would chance it anyway.

Edited January 12, 2019 by chillii

[chillii]

I believe I said this in the previous thread, although I can understand if it got lost in a sea of posts; I believe I do have masculine energy, albeit not as much as some other men. It's something I've looked into, and the suggestions are along the lines of; talk slowly, maintain eye-contact, physically escalate etc. I do all of these. I also go to the gym. Unless you can specifically identify what it is you are talking about, then I can only go by what I have read online and thus dismiss the idea as "having not worked".

 

Yeah look that was just although trying to help l know , but only one woman's own idea and perception but they vary by 3miles long.

When l read stuff in forums these days like the dozens of other things the whole internet seems to be telling guys do this or must be don't do and blah blah blah, l don't think l'd ever certainly not consciously anyway did any of it in my damn life.

And l've never even been into a gym in my life either which seems to be one of the biggest, matter of fact l'm the proud owner of a one pack And l've certainly never been mr confident . another biggie l get that damn sick of reading.

But l've never had any trouble at all getting women back in the day or after a divorce same again.

But it's not just any woman, l'm no Casanova or playboy ha , probably 9 out of 10 would knock me back. But l'm a relationship person anyway so l don't giva damn about the rest only mine and l'm very fussy but anytime l've been single l wait , for that special one that pushes all the buttons and even only then , it could only work out if she was just as interested as l was amd each others type.

Hence, l've rarely been knocked back and this is where l often think the problem is for struggling guys.

 

Doesn't matter who or what you are, there's a billion combos of couples out there. But it's all about what you like and whether she likes you back.

You don't need 2000 women, only the one you want but l often suspect a lot of the struggling guys are effg up going after just anyone and they don't seem to read her or even consider if she would think he's her type and so like him back first. A lot of them also seem to hunt way over their heads in looks and what have you

But you for example , so what you had anxiety early so have a billion women out there, that's ok your fine and you sound like your doin great now and have a heap goin for ya probably more than many by the sounds.

But it's still pointless chasing someone that isn't right for you or isn't liking you back.

l couldn't get her and neither could most other guys if she was like that with them too.

 

Considering what you have going for you, maybe your just not using your picker with girls your after. l notice this all over forums and with the girls too. You've gotta consider and pick up those things l talked about before you even bother going near her. But when all the ducks align haha, chances are you'll probably do just fine.

Edited January 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LightWave93]

On your previous thread, you said you'd recently been at an event and about three women wanted to dance with you. Did you dance with them? If not, why not?

 

I said it was POSSIBLE they were attempting to dance with me, not that it was a definite. It's only been within the last...I'd say month or two, that such events have actually occurred for me to question these scenarios.

 

I forget, OP have you mentioned your height?

 

5'11.

 

Do you think you could talk to a woman at a bookstore or used bookstore?? Hold up a book and ask her if she has read this author?? Does she recommend him/her?? Then continue the conversation as normal chit-chat about books, authors, etc.?? Would you have the confidence or ability to accomplish that task??

 

I can't think of any off the top of my head, but I'm sure there have been a handful of examples.

 

I don't actively go out about my day trying to talk to people. Whatever interactions I do have occur naturally.

 

Also...

 

To be fair to the OP, how many guys actually get loads of dates or even more than a couple of sentences from a woman who's in a place where solitary activity is the goal? I think it's rude to interrupt a person who's happy in their own world. If a guy needs a recommendation, that's what the staff are for.

 

...this.

 

I'm not talking about finding out what you like to do and making time for it. I'm talking about finding things you're passionate about. You may have done so. If so, it's just a matter of time until someone is attracted to the passion for life they see in you.

 

I've done the whole "focus on yourself" thing and taken a break from seeking feedback / attempting to date. It hasn't helped. Meanwhile my peers are getting dates or sex on a regular basis.

 

Basically, I miss out regardless of what approach I take.

 

I've tried to help the OP in previous posts, but he's told me that my ideas are incorrect. I've got nothing more to offer other than to simply say that cold approaches are not for everyone.

 

I'm sure my ideas will be dismissed, as well.

 

I think it's unfair on me for you to both suggest I dismiss your ideas. On the contrary, and I've said this before, but I take on every piece of advice offered to me.

 

That said, a lot of what you have given me...I have tried, and it has not worked. I can't come here telling you the opposite, as that would be lying, so if my honesty is being seen as "dismissive" then...well, there's not a lot I can do about that.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I said it was POSSIBLE they were attempting to dance with me, not that it was a definite. It's only been within the last...I'd say month or two, that such events have actually occurred for me to question these scenarios.

 

<SNIP>

 

I wasn't suggesting "focusing on yourself," Lightwave. I was suggesting focusing on finding at least one passion that will make you forget yourself and get so absorbed in it that you're distracted from thinking about your missing dating life.

 

I believe it's possible that, though you're not assessing it to be so, you're subtly coming across as too needy, or maybe even too dependent on the approval of others.

 

Don't try to "grow" or improve yourself so that you're more desirable. Forget the heck all about that and just find things in life that interest you, other than women, and throw yourself wholeheartedly into making a life for yourself without a woman.

 

Focus on your goals for yourself that don't include a partner. You might even go so far as to decide, "OK, so i can't have a partner, what else do I want in life?" And then go all out and put all you have into it without another thought about whether it gets you a partner or not.

 

You're not having any luck at all focusing on getting someone so why continue? It's probably just making you less desirable. When you no longer care whether you have someone or not and you're pursuing passions, that's when you're going to become attractive. But, don't pursue passions for that reason. Pursue them because that's how you're going to have a great and interesting life! Find joy in living!

Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

I think it's unfair on me for you to both suggest I dismiss your ideas. On the contrary, and I've said this before, but I take on every piece of advice offered to me.

 

LightWave, what changes have you made or what advice have you taken on board from LS posters? Perhaps I've missed it.

[LightWave93]

I wasn't suggesting "focusing on yourself," Lightwave. I was suggesting focusing on finding at least one passion that will make you forget yourself and get so absorbed in it that you're distracted from thinking about your missing dating life.

 

I believe it's possible that, though you're not assessing it to be so, you're subtly coming across as too needy, or maybe even too dependent on the approval of others.

 

Don't try to "grow" or improve yourself so that you're more desirable. Forget the heck all about that and just find things in life that interest you, other than women, and throw yourself wholeheartedly into making a life for yourself without a woman.

 

Focus on your goals for yourself that don't include a partner. You might even go so far as to decide, "OK, so i can't have a partner, what else do I want in life?" And then go all out and put all you have into it without another thought about whether it gets you a partner or not.

 

You're not having any luck at all focusing on getting someone so why continue? It's probably just making you less desirable. When you no longer care whether you have someone or not and you're pursuing passions, that's when you're going to become attractive. But, don't pursue passions for that reason. Pursue them because that's how you're going to have a great and interesting life! Find joy in living!

 

Honestly done that. It doesn't work.

 

LightWave, what changes have you made or what advice have you taken on board from LS posters? Perhaps I've missed it.

 

Pretty much every suggestion. Not going to go through four years of threads, but stuff like "volunteer", "dance class", "events", "talk to everyone" etc.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Honestly done that. It doesn't work.

 

 

 

Pretty much every suggestion. Not going to go through four years of threads, but stuff like "volunteer", "dance class", "events", "talk to everyone" etc.

 

It's not supposed to "work." It's not a way to manipulate to your dreams. It's a way to have a joyful life!

 

Are you a glass-half-empty kind of guy? That may be a clue to your dilemma!

[LightWave93]

It's not supposed to "work." It's not a way to manipulate to your dreams. It's a way to have a joyful life!

 

Are you a glass-half-empty kind of guy? That may be a clue to your dilemma!

 

The point is, I want to experience love / dating / sex. If I try or don't try, the result is still the same.

 

My life is fine / fulfilling otherwise.

[chillii]

Well. considering l wasted 20mins of my time and you didn't even bother to respond , says a helluva lot about your situation , which l now think will just continue on it's merry way then, AS IS.!

Do what you always do , get what you always got.

Edited January 14, 2019 by chillii

[LightWave93]

Well. considering l wasted 20mins of my time and you didn't even bother to respond , says a helluva lot about your situation , which l now think will just continue on it's merry way then, AS IS.!

Do what you always do , get what you always got.

 

What response were you expecting? You asked no questions.

[Morello]

Your problem might be that you think all is perfect with you. It's clearly not the case.

 

Many men that would report being shyer, less good-looking, less socially apt and overall with their lives in a worse off position than yours are out there getting dates and sex while you're not.

 

Your first step would be to acknowledge that your vision about you and your situation might not be accurate. Not saying you're lying, just that you might have a biased opinion of yourself, that would make it very hard to identify where the problem(s) lie.

[LightWave93]

Your problem might be that you think all is perfect with you. It's clearly not the case.

 

Many men that would report being shyer, less good-looking, less socially apt and overall with their lives in a worse off position than yours are out there getting dates and sex while you're not.

 

Your first step would be to acknowledge that your vision about you and your situation might not be accurate. Not saying you're lying, just that you might have a biased opinion of yourself, that would make it very hard to identify where the problem(s) lie.

 

The information I've posted is not based on my own beliefs of myself and is the feedback I've received across four years.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry OP I don't understand. Are you saying every woman you've ever asked out on a date has rejected you and you have never dated a woman because of this? Are you saying that NO WOMAN will date you???

[chillii]

What response were you expecting? You asked no questions.

 

 

 

 

And there ya go. !

[LightWave93]

I'm sorry OP I don't understand. Are you saying every woman you've ever asked out on a date has rejected you and you have never dated a woman because of this? Are you saying that NO WOMAN will date you???

 

Been in two relationships. Not dated / had sex during the past four years, at uni of all places.

[Happy Lemming]

To LightWave93:

 

I don't know if this has been previously asked/suggested or not...

 

Have you tried "Speed Dating"?? Also some "Speed Dating" coordinators offer "coaching" and suggestions for productive "Speed Dating" Can you look into that?? Do you think you could talk to a woman in this type of "set up" environment??

 

Are you in an area that has "Speed Dating" events??

[LightWave93]

To LightWave93:

 

I don't know if this has been previously asked/suggested or not...

 

Have you tried "Speed Dating"?? Also some "Speed Dating" coordinators offer "coaching" and suggestions for productive "Speed Dating" Can you look into that?? Do you think you could talk to a woman in this type of "set up" environment??

 

Are you in an area that has "Speed Dating" events??

 

I don't believe there are any speed dating events in my area; I also don't think it's as popular in the UK and is often geared towards an older age group.

 

At the end of the day, at 25, I don't see why I can't just meet someone through the typical avenues (events, bars / clubs, online dating, uni etc).

[clia]

I don't believe there are any speed dating events in my area; I also don't think it's as popular in the UK and is often geared towards an older age group.

 

At the end of the day, at 25, I don't see why I can't just meet someone through the typical avenues (events, bars / clubs, online dating, uni etc).

 

The next time you see a girl looking at you at a club, walk over and say hello or buy her a drink. That's how you meet someone.

[LightWave93]

The next time you see a girl looking at you at a club, walk over and say hello or buy her a drink. That's how you meet someone.

 

Last time I bought a girl a drink at a club, she walked off.

 

Women looking at me are few and far between.

[nospam99]

I don't believe there are any speed dating events in my area; I also don't think it's as popular in the UK and is often geared towards an older age group.

 

LOL - says the 25 YEAR OLD. I've got shoes older than you. The 'sweet spot' for speed dating where I live is 30 to 60. Though you may have a point about the UK.

[LightWave93]

LOL - says the 25 YEAR OLD. I've got shoes older than you. The 'sweet spot' for speed dating where I live is 30 to 60. Though you may have a point about the UK.

 

Precisely. I'd rather meet by other, traditional means.

 

Though no idea why I can't. :(