Wants to get engaged - 2 weeks later calls it all off

[Ihatethis123]

Hi.

So first of all, sorry this is long winded and I'm new to this.

I'm 24 (F) - I have a son (nearly 3) and a daughter (4 months)

I met my partner when I was 15, he's was 16. He was the first person I'd ever been with, my first ever love. Basically we were together 4 years, but the relationship was childish and we weren't ready for a relationship. We parted ways and never spoke for a couple of years. Then we met back up and I instantly fell back in love, relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all. Our relationship has been good since then hence the second child. The only bad thing I can say about our relationship is that we don't have much time to spend together as children are ALWAYS there. We don't have a great support network. But regardless, we have been good, haven't argued for years or anything.

 

A couple of days before Christmas he tells me he has bought an engagement ring online. Obviously I'm excited, happy, thinking my whole life has come together ☺️ then it comes a couple of days after Christmas and I asked him if it's nice and he said he loved it, it's really classy it will suit me etc.

 

He plans to take nye off work to spend with me and last minute he says '**** this I'd rather be at work' and leaves. So I'm confused obviously.

 

Anyway, skip forward a week and he's telling me that hes met a customer at work who he has feelings for. He's done the decent thing by discussing this with me before doing anything rash

 

He said seeing the engagement ring has made him realise that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me and can't stop thinking about this girl. I feel like I know nothing about her or what she looks like but I want to be her so badly.

 

Now that doesn't make sense to me as he is telling me he has spoke to her twice apparently. But he knows alot about her and wants to take her on a date. He said she reminds him of the 21yo me (and the only thing that has changed is i've had 2 children to him and put on a few pound)

 

I'm absolutely devastated. I'm truly madly in love with this guy. We live together, we have 2 small children and I don't see the future without him in it. It's going to kill our eldest.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

We are currently living together and he's being really nice to me, talking about the future and how he will help me find a house first with the kids and help pay towards it etc.

 

I have just give up hope. I don't see any future at all now, I'm just sat upstairs crying all the time and being sick and it's just not nice for the kids to hear. I feel like everyone would just be better of without me.

 

All everyone keeps saying is that it doesn't add up, him leaving me for some girl he's spoke to twice. But I think it's more the fact that he has realised I'm not his forever person. This girl might/might not be - but he knows I'm definitely not.

 

I really am having horrible thoughts and I spoke to the doctors who advised I go to councilling but he's leaving for work in an hour and all I'm guna be thinking about is them together.

 

I'm angry, sad, heartbroken and have no one to talk to. I need help and don't know where to turn.

[Wallysbears]

I'm so very sorry to read this.

 

He sounds like a selfish, immature jerk.

 

You deserve much better than this.

[Ihatethis123]

Thanks but hes not.

 

The old him would have just cheated on me without any thought. But he's done the decent thing by telling me how he feels before anything has happened.

 

If he actually has feelings for this girl then I guess he can't help it - you can't help who you fall for. But it doesn't make it hurt any less to me, it's just the timings all feel wrong.

 

How can I go from the love of someones life to nothing?

 

If he'd actually done anything wrong to me - I could just hate him and get over him quicker. But I can't help how I feel.

 

If things didn't work out between them I would take him back in a heartbeat and thats making me feel worse but I can't help it ???

[MetallicHue]

He had two children with you and then decided you’re not the person he wanted to be with all because he met someone for two weeks. I think he’ll do the same thing to her down the line. I really don’t think that defines a good guy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know you were in a relationship with him but it’s not worth getting so upset over. He’s not a good person for what he did to you and you’ll find someone else who won’t ditch you after meeting someone twice.

[d0nnivain]

At this point he's not somebody you can trust. If he doesn't understand that the kids connect you forever, he's hopeless. The best thing you can do for yourself is build your life independent from him starting sooner rather than later.

 

Talk to a lawyer. Make sure child support is in place but from here forward you have to support yourself. He's never going to be the man you need. He cheated on you & now he "changed his mind". Puh-leease. This was his 2nd chance & he blew it.

 

 

If you stay & keep him around, what lessons are you teaching your kids about responsibility, about keeping your word, about loyalty, about maturity?

[Ihatethis123]

He's been lovely about everything though. He hasn't been unfaithful. He spoke to me as soon as he was feeling like this.

 

At the end of the day you can't help who you fall for - I fell for him and it's not his fault if he's falling for someone else.

 

He is a brilliant dad, I know the children will all be his prioritiy. I don't want his money for the kids, the kids have a brilliant relationship with both of us and they will be staying with him for half the week when we get seperate houses

 

I feel like all I had in this world was my little family. And it's just crumbling. I feel like I'm losing all control

[d0nnivain]

Your world is crumbling but you will rebuild it.

 

You say you don't want his money for the kids. Well that is lovely of you but it's not your money. Child support belongs to the child. If you are in a position where you can support your kids without contribution from him, more power to you. Take the money, open 529 education saving plan accounts for each kid & sock away 18 years worth of CS so your kids can afford college tuition when the time comes.

[preraph]

What makes him think this young woman will have any interest in him? I think he just got cold feet and once he gets that he's not 25 anymore and girls won't take him seriously, he'll be back, for that it's worth. And then you may be in a position to negotiate if there's something you need from him.

 

Meanwhile, you make an Instagram and/or Facebook page, whatever your kids think everyone is using these days, and put a big picture of him and the kids with his full name on it so if someone searches him, they find it.

[Ihatethis123]

She first started the conversation with him by saying 'do you have a girlfriend' to which he replied yes. But they still continued to talk for hours on end.

 

At the end of the day, the girl is 21 she still lives with parents and she's proven her immaturity. I've lived by myself since being 17 and I would never never get involved with a man when he has a family.

 

He has said that even if she's not his forever person, he knows I'm not his forever person too - he deserves to be happy and he can't stay with me just to make me happy.

 

It just hurts so much rn

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't want his money for the kids, the kids have a brilliant relationship with both of us and they will be staying with him for half the week when we get separate houses

 

Don't make commitments or decisions when you're under this kind of stress. There's no manual or rule book for what you're going through, best to take things one step at a time.

 

While it's good you're communicating, stop looking at him as your friend or partner. Any man willing to trade his fiancee and young family for a couple of conversations isn't being "lovely about everything", he's unilaterally making selfish decisions affecting you and your children for a long, long time. It might actually be helpful for him to see your anger and understand you think less of him for what he's doing. He's acting like a dirtbag.

 

Keep posting, lots of support here...

 

Mr. Lucky