To close the gap or not?

[laelithia]

Hello Everyone,

 

I am looking for some advice or guidance on my current situation. I have been in a LDR now for about a year and a half. It has not been easy, as I live in Canada and my partner lives in Switzerland, but somehow we have managed to see each other about every 1-2 months. That being said, I think as we move forward, it's not so realistic for each of us to be travelling such a great distance frequently. Which brings me to my question, should I think seriously about moving abroad to be with him? What specifically should help me make this decision?

 

The main reason I am even torn on if I should do this or not is what I seem to feel like a lack of chemistry (mostly physical) on my end. He seems to be extremely attracted to me physically, but I seem to be rather lukewarm to him in that department. That being said, I really don't know if this is an issue between our chemistry and compatibility, or more to do with my own personal issues, particularly being far more attracted to previous emotionally unavailable and unattainable exes.

 

I guess I wonder how important intense physical attraction and chemistry is in the longevity of a relationship. The reason I'm considering moving forward despite this, is that I feel extremely comfortable, safe, protected, loved, and cared for with my current partner. It has been a very long time since I have dated a man that prioritizes me, isn't shy about sharing his feelings with me, and is emotionally available to me. I truly love and adore this person, but for some reason, I can't seem to light that spark for him that I had with others in the past. I can't seem to discern if this is due to my personal issues (i.e. seeking and valuing validation more from unavailable men), or if we do truly lack chemistry and/or compatibility.

 

There are other drawbacks of moving as well, of course, particularly leaving my friends and family, as well as most of the clients of my new private practice (some clients I could continue to see virtually, but not all). That being said, I think if I had the same chemistry/attraction with my current ex that I had with some of my previous partners, I don't think I would even think twice about not going to be with him. I feel guilty for this, as he is such a wonderful person to me, I would love to feel that same attraction for him. Also, I have always wanted to live abroad, particularly in Europe, and this would be a great personal opportunity for me I believe. Although Switzerland was not necessarily my first pick as I don't speak German or French, but would be willing to learn if we were to make a go of it.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is if it's a good idea for me to go to be with him for a trial basis (maybe 6-9 months) to see how we do, and then decide after that long term what our plan is. What are your thoughts?

[PRW]

These are only guesses...

The main reason I am even torn on if I should do this or not is what I seem to feel like a lack of chemistry (mostly physical) on my end. He seems to be extremely attracted to me physically, but I seem to be rather lukewarm to him in that department. That being said, I really don't know if this is an issue between our chemistry and compatibility, or more to do with my own personal issues, particularly being far more attracted to previous emotionally unavailable and unattainable exes.

This is almost always because the guy lacks masculinity and is more of a follower rather than a leader in the relationship.

The reason I'm considering moving forward despite this, is that I feel extremely comfortable, safe, protected, loved, and cared for with my current partner. It has been a very long time since I have dated a man that prioritizes me, isn't shy about sharing his feelings with me, and is emotionally available to me. I truly love and adore this person, but for some reason, I can't seem to light that spark for him that I had with others in the past.

These are the same reasons you feel lukewarm. He over prioritizes you. He becomes a "pleaser" rather than a leader. The "safe" and "protected" parts are very good, but the other things could be negatives if they are not in proper balance.

I can't seem to discern if this is due to my personal issues (i.e. seeking and valuing validation more from unavailable men), or if we do truly lack chemistry and/or compatibility.

These are the things about you that has blinded you to the things I have said above.

I guess what I'm wondering is if it's a good idea for me to go to be with him for a trial basis (maybe 6-9 months) to see how we do, and then decide after that long term what our plan is. What are your thoughts?

You can live where ever you want to live. You have to be willing to still do that even if the relationship totally fails. But if you think your "life will be ruined" if it fails, then you should not do it.

[laelithia]

Hi PRW,

 

I think unfortunately you might be right about the lack of masculinity. He is a bit younger than me (2 years) and this is his first relationship of any kind. When we met, he was still living at home with his parents even though he had more than enough money to be on his own, not to mention his parent live 1.5 hours away from his work. With some encouragement from me, he managed to find his own place and become more independent. That being said, he is an only child and his parents, especially his mother, dotes on him excessively. I feel this might be the cause of his lack of masculinity, but I’m not sure.

 

Do you think there is a way I can talk to him about this without causing more harm? I don’t want him to be self conscious about it or resent me for not accepting him how he is. Also, do you think this is part of the reason I have been having thoughts about my (more masculine) ex?

Edited January 12, 2019 by laelithia

[Junming]

Have a try and see how it goes. If your SO loves you, he will try his best to make your transition as smooth as possible.

 

Don't let your past indicate who you are now. Never compare your ex with your current one, because they are not the same person.

 

If you really want to be with him, and only doubting what-ifs, then go and explore this opportunity with him. If you don't try, you will never know, and you will never taste the honey.

 

With that being said, whether you go for it or not, you will lose nothing, and gain everything ^_^ All the best to you

[Hopefulromantic23]

The “spark” is mostly just lust in my opinion. It keeps us interested until we are able to connect and really fall for another person. One of my longest relationships I didn’t have much of a spark with my partner but everything else made up for it. Obviously that didnt last due to a few “life lessons” I guess I could say without getting too much into it. But for the 10 years I was with him it seriously didn’t affect us much not being lustful. He was my best friend. And if you can say your man is yours.. you are very lucky. Life is all about taking risks anyway. If you feel like you could learn and grow from it - even if it doesn’t work go for it. But in my experience deep love is built on deep friendship, acceptance and respect. You would be surprised how much is gained from a relationship like that. It’s amazing and very rare. Just sadly in my situation he was very good at keeping secrets and being manipulative. I moved in with him after 2 months and saw him everyday for those 10yrs. It was always local for us we always lived in the same area. So really you take a risk with any relationship local or long distance.

 

Above all else follow your intuition. But don’t read too much into “the spark” or you miss out on the bigger picture.

[Mrs._December]

...so you're going with the SAFE choice this time around.

[PRW]

That being said, he is an only child and his parents, especially his mother, dotes on him excessively. I feel this might be the cause of his lack of masculinity, but I’m not sure.

It is the primary cause in men who have that issue. The same is even more true if they grew up with with a single mother. They grow up "pleasing mom" so when they become adults they treat their GF/Wife as a new mommy and become a "pleaser" with them.

 

And here is just a whole list of videos on a similar topic.

https://www.youtube.com/user/coachcoreywayne/search?query=pleaser

 

Do you think there is a way I can talk to him about this without causing more harm? I don’t want him to be self conscious about it or resent me for not accepting him how he is.

You can try but it will be difficult. If he doesn't see it as a problem, we won't try to fix it. Women often just become frustrated with it and don't want to teach a man how to be a man. But if it is not too severe and you want to try you are welcome to give it a shot.

 

A great book for men on this is Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man", but getting him to read it and take it seriously might be hard. But it is small and cheap, you could get it for yourself and read it,...just don't flip the roles and try to do what he tells the men to do. You'd want to focus on what he says about the woman and don't mix up the roles.

 

Also, do you think this is part of the reason I have been having thoughts about my (more masculine) ex?

Yes. I think that is exactly what is going on. I see it on a daily basis.

[laelithia]

...so you're going with the SAFE choice this time around.

 

Do you think this is the wrong choice?

[laelithia]

It is the primary cause in men who have that issue. The same is even more true if they grew up with with a single mother. They grow up "pleasing mom" so when they become adults they treat their GF/Wife as a new mommy and become a "pleaser" with them.

 

And here is just a whole list of videos on a similar topic.

https://www.youtube.com/user/coachcoreywayne/search?query=pleaser

 

You can try but it will be difficult. If he doesn't see it as a problem, we won't try to fix it. Women often just become frustrated with it and don't want to teach a man how to be a man. But if it is not too severe and you want to try you are welcome to give it a shot.

 

A great book for men on this is Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man", but getting him to read it and take it seriously might be hard. But it is small and cheap, you could get it for yourself and read it,...just don't flip the roles and try to do what he tells the men to do. You'd want to focus on what he says about the woman and don't mix up the roles.

 

Yes. I think that is exactly what is going on. I see it on a daily basis.

 

I actually think he might take a look at this book if I really ask him to. He knows something is off in our relationship, notices that I don't seem to lust after him. I truly wish I did and want to be able to. Do you think if he works on these aspects and increases his positive masculine traits I will feel differently?

[laelithia]

The “spark” is mostly just lust in my opinion. It keeps us interested until we are able to connect and really fall for another person. One of my longest relationships I didn’t have much of a spark with my partner but everything else made up for it. Obviously that didnt last due to a few “life lessons” I guess I could say without getting too much into it. But for the 10 years I was with him it seriously didn’t affect us much not being lustful. He was my best friend. And if you can say your man is yours.. you are very lucky. Life is all about taking risks anyway. If you feel like you could learn and grow from it - even if it doesn’t work go for it. But in my experience deep love is built on deep friendship, acceptance and respect. You would be surprised how much is gained from a relationship like that. It’s amazing and very rare. Just sadly in my situation he was very good at keeping secrets and being manipulative. I moved in with him after 2 months and saw him everyday for those 10yrs. It was always local for us we always lived in the same area. So really you take a risk with any relationship local or long distance.

 

Above all else follow your intuition. But don’t read too much into “the spark” or you miss out on the bigger picture.

 

Thank you for your message, it is very helpful and I believe you make some great my points. My only concern is that without this lust for my partner, I feel like I am missing something. That others seem to have something that I don't and I feel envious of their relationship. I desperately want to lust after my partner, but sometimes I worry that we are too different, that our personalities clash a bit too much to let that happen

[Fekenaws]

I second that how to be 3% man is a great book and that it's accurate, but at the end of the day even if you KNOW what you have to do to attract women your own personality can get in the way. Some people are just more timid, soft-spoken, etc. These people are hardwired to be that way, and I don't think any amount of answers and knowledge is going to change them. But hey, the book is great and its worth a try anyway

[justwhoiam]

I believe that anyone, no matter their personality, can have chemistry with the right person. This is not your case for some reason.

 

 

 

Is going there a good decision? No. Because you might then meet the man who will drive your crazy and you'd fall for him hard.

 

 

So, I think you should be honest with him. It's been 1.5 years already, don't string him along.

[laelithia]

Hi everyone,

 

I've spoken with my partner more about this, (well, mostly my confusion of what to do for the future and this relationship) and a few days ago he said maybe it's best if we part ways. He said he's worried that because we have argued quite a bit (I think this is mostly my fault due to having very high expectations on how he communicates with me), maybe it is for the best. When he said this, I realized how much I have put on him that wasn't fair. I talked with him about previous exes (one in particular) way too much, I put much too high expectations on him in how to communicate with me (ex. saying certain phrases or wording) when English is not his first language, and most of all, I vented to him constantly about my stressors or feelings of anxiety and depression.

 

Now, I want to rebuild our relationship if possible. I feel so guilty for the things I did wrong in our relationship, and I wonder now if I hadn't done those things if we would even be in this position. He has said that he is fine to be my friend, and has been very supportive lately, but I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. He makes it clear that we are currently not together, yet he calls me every day, sends warm text messages and overall seems like the same except that he no longer says he loves me at the end of our phone calls. Before we had this conversation, we were planning on a trip for me to visit him next month. He said he is still open to this, but more as friends. I feel like I would still like to go, if only to see how we are together one last time, and see if I could ever move to Switzerland. Even if the answer is no, maybe then I will have peace of mind.

 

But that being said, our 2 year anniversary would have been in August, and I'm sad that after this time invested, I might not be able to salvage a relationship at all. It feels like a huge waste, not to mention overwhelmingly sad as I have grown so attached to this person over this time. He is definitely my best friend, and I had truly hoped we could make it work.

 

So, in the interest of still seeing him next month, should I continue being friendly with him? Should I ask for space?

 

Thank you for your help!

[preraph]

The first thing to check is with the Canadian embassy in Switzerland if you are even allowed to go over there and live and stay. I just looked on Google and in 2014 Switzerland change their laws to install quotas and limits on their immigration. It's not a free-for-all to just go over there and anyone can go and stay.

 

There just aren't many countries who do allow that.

[laelithia]

The first thing to check is with the Canadian embassy in Switzerland if you are even allowed to go over there and live and stay. I just looked on Google and in 2014 Switzerland change their laws to install quotas and limits on their immigration. It's not a free-for-all to just go over there and anyone can go and stay.

 

There just aren't many countries who do allow that.

 

I have contacted the embassy, and in order for me to stay, I would either need a job offer (I think this is doable based on my credentials) or a student visa (I could enroll in continued studies). I would rather the first option, but would be open to the latter too.

 

I'm still quite nervous about this process though, as it's a big decision. For many years I have wanted to live in Europe, but now that the situation requires me to do so, I feel afraid to give up my life here. I know my current city is not the best place for me (although very financially lucrative), I feel moving to a different continent permanently to make a relationship work is a lot of pressure. But then again, the idea of breaking up and no longer having the option upsets me too. I feel so torn.

[chillii]

But it sounded like you've broken up anyway in th other post and he sure sounds like he thinks you have.

What's he saying now about you still intending to move over?

TBH , it's a huge thing to do and risk to hopefully kick start the relationship off again because he doesn't sound like he's even into it anymore.

 

Maybe ya should hold things off and talk to him more about things and you guys first.

Unless there's other reasons your moving there too and you'll still be fine if things don't work out with him, you really need to know how he's truly feeling now and how into this he's actually gonna be,

 

 

Anyway , good luck with everything.

[The Outlaw]

Sometimes, it just takes time for chemistry between two people to build and it doesn't always happen right off the bat. Being so far apart and only seeing each other as little as you do, could play a factor in why you feel the way you do. But that aside you adore him, and feel comfortable with him. But before you make any decisions on what you wish to do, you're just going to have to re-evaluate things. It really wouldn't be fair to either of you if you move to be with him and there's still a lack of chemistry, even after awhile. If it's just one sided, it's not going to work.