Girlfriend needed time to think

[coffeeshop]

Hi everyone. This might be a long read but I promise I've tried to make it as easy to read as possible.

 

 

I've been dating this girl for 2 months exclusively now, we hung out most days and I've met her family.

 

 

Last week one night she was staying over at my apartment. We went to bed and we started getting intimate.

After the foreplay I asked if we can have sex, which she said no because it's been sore after her period.

I know I shouldn't, but I asked her again. It was just cause I was half asleep and I was all turned on.

She reluctantly said ok but I have to be very gentle.

After I finished she went to the toilet for a longer time than normal.

She came back to bed but rolled away to her side. I asked if she's ok and she said she's fine, asked again and same answer.

 

 

Then she took a pillow and went to sleep on the sofa in the living room.

At this point at night I had no clue what was going on, I knew she was mad at me but I didn't know why.

I went into the living room and asked her what's wrong, which she said in an annoyed tone, "I don't want to talk about it right now, I just want to be alone".

I didn't know what else to say and knew pushing her wouldn't help so I left her alone and went back to my room.

 

 

Next morning, we sat down on the sofa after she had for a shower.

I asked her what's wrong as I didn't know whats happening.

She said if I heard her said no when I asked her the first time.

I said I did, and I asked again because I really wanted it at that moment.

She then got angry and said that's the problem.

I didn't listen to her and I pushed her for it.

She said she's also angry at herself that she didn't say no again.

The talk went on and I apologized for disrespecting her, and promised that it won't happen again.

 

 

We got ready to catch a train to a city 1.5hours away where she stays, and where I was originally from.

We chatted again and things seemed slowly back to normal as the day went.

I dropped her off at her place and I went home.

We were messaging that night and the day after.

But I sensed from her messages that it's different now.

Two days after we last saw each other I had to go back to the city where I'm staying now and asked her if she would like to come with and stay for couple days.

She said yes, we met up, got lunch and drove to my apartment.

She was quieter that day and she apologized for it and said she's not been sleeping well and she's just very tired.

We went to bed, got up next morning and it was all good like it used to.

But that morning it's been bugging me how our relationship seemed off.

Her messages seemed colder and we talked less, she just seemed less excited.

 

 

We got ready and we were walking into the city.

I brought it up and she said there are a few things frustrating her right now: her family problems, work, uni, and what happened between us last week.

I apologized again cause disrespecting her is the last thing I want to do, and I asked if we can talk about it, because it's definitely in her mind and affecting our relationship.

She replied no, cause she's not had a chance to think and process what happened.

 

 

We ended up departed our own ways, she went to get a train home as she had work the next day.

I called that night but she didn't pick up.

The next morning, I called again, and she hung up after 2 rings.

She then messaged saying that she's on her way to work, asked me what's up.

I replied saying I just wanted to check how she was.

She said she's tired, didn't sleep well and asked how I was.

I replied and that's the last message.

 

 

We talked on the phone in the evening later that day.

I first apologised which she accepted.

Then she talked about what happened.

Turns out she had a bad experience before, which she never told me before as she wanted to keep it to herself, and my actions triggered her.

She then said she has this "mental block" in her head that she's now on high alert and defensive towards me.

She said I'm a lovely person, but her thoughts is everywhere and she doesn't know how to explain what she wants.

She can't make plans to see or deal with anyone right now.

At the end I asked is this a breakup then, which she replied I said I don't know what I want right now.

Which I said I'm sorry but I just don't understand where I stand.

Then we ended the call where she wished me a nice evening, and that was 4 days ago.

 

 

Then she text me yesterday.

Her: How are you doing?

Me: I'm ok thanks, how are you?

Her: I'm good, tired and sore from yoga the past 2 days.

Me: That's nice, how did it go?

Her: It was good but I'm definitely not as flexible as before, feeling good that I now have a membership though"

Me: That's nice

Her: Yes it feels good. What have you been doing?

 

 

At this point I don’t want to pretend it’s all ok, but at the same time I can’t ignore her cause we’ve not exactly broke up?

So I decided to reply.

 

 

Me: Quite a few things, but productive. Can we meet and talk? about everything?

Her: Productive is good. Yes sure, when is good for you?

Me: Tonight?

Her: Work is mad today and I'm quite tired.

Me: That's ok, when is good for you?

Her: At some point on Sunday?

Me: Sure

Her: You ok?

Me: Yes, are you?

 

 

We chatted little bit more and left it at that.

I'm feeling down. I reread the messages a few times and feel like she's decided already.

While I still think this can go either way, I feel like she will break it up with reasons in lines of I have to focus on myself/sort out my emotions alone.

And that is totally fair, especially since I'm the one who caused this drama initially and triggered her emotions.

 

 

I was just stupid, I don't know what I was thinking.

There's no excuse and it's my fault that I messed up.

I'm going to prepare for the worse, and hope for the best.

What are you guys thoughts? Please let me know, both positive and negative.

[d0nnivain]

What?! Why is any of this your fault?

 

You asked for sex. She said no. You asked again & she said YES. She could have said no. She could have gone home. She didn't do that. Instead she consented. The fact that she had a prior bad experience & now doesn't have the fortitude to speak for herself or say no is not your fault. If she's still that messed up about whatever happened to her before she needs therapy. She has no business going around dating then blaming her partner for her failures to take responsibility for her own body & her own choices.

 

Let her go. This woman is a train wreck.

[PRW]

Summary quote:

1. I know I shouldn't, but I asked her again. It was just cause I was half asleep and I was all turned on.

2. Then she took a pillow and went to sleep on the sofa in the living room.

3. At this point at night I had no clue what was going on

4. I went into the living room and asked her what's wrong

5. I didn't know what else to say

6. Next morning,....I asked her what's wrong as I didn't know whats happening

7. I asked again because I really wanted it at that moment.

8. I didn't listen to her and I pushed her for it.

9 . Her messages seemed colder and we talked less, she just seemed less excited.

10. I apologized again cause....

11. I called that night but she didn't pick up.

12. The next morning, I called again, and she hung up after 2 rings.

13. I just wanted to check how she was.

14. I first apologised

15. Which I said I'm sorry

 

Turns out she had a bad experience before, which she never told me before as she wanted to keep it to herself, and my actions triggered her.

She then said she has this "mental block" in her head that she's now on high alert and defensive towards me.

She said I'm a lovely person, but her thoughts is everywhere and she doesn't know how to explain what she wants.

She can't make plans to see or deal with anyone right now. At the end I asked is this a breakup then, which she replied I said I don't know what I want right now.

She's done with you. All of this is just BS "cushioning" to soften the blow.

 

Look back at the list above. You present yourself to her as a needy horny "little boy" on an apology tour that never seems to know what is going on. You have a lot of maturing to do. You are not "The Man" that is going to keep safe, protect, and lead a woman on an adventure into the rest of what her life is going to be.

[salparadise]

I agree with d0nnivain and disagree with PRW. You didn't do anything wrong. You asked twice. So what? There is nothing egregious about that. Now if you had been physically aggressive after she said no it might be different.

 

I don't know what happened that you're being penalized for, but it really doesn't matter. The fact is that she's prone to this push away crap when she should be dealing straight with you. You're making a mistake by treating her like a sensitive little princess who can get away with treating you like a rodent... and apologizing over and over, which just reinforces it all.

 

Your best move at this point is to ghost awhile to reverse this dynamic of her having a tight grip on your scrotum, and you begging and pleading for another chance. It still might not work out, but so be it. At least you'll have your dignity. If you have another conversation you need to assert yourself and tell her that while you're sympathetic for whatever happened before, it wasn't you that mistreated her and you're not much into being the whipping boy. Tell her that you apologized and she can either let it go or not, but you're done being treated like the abuser.

 

I think she will fall back to this kind of behavior time and time again. There will be no peace. She'll have you walking on eggshells as long as you stay involved.

Edited January 12, 2019 by salparadise

[elaine567]

She said no and you pushed and pressurised her to have sex with you, knowing full well she had already said no, she was sore and she didn't want to do it. You wanted sex and you did not listen to what she was saying.

That is not good.

After "I finished" note the use of the word I...She probably had a bit of a cry in the toilet and scuttled off to the living room.

She is most likely done with you.

I doubt you can recover from this.

[Melrose78]

Sorry but I do have to agree that pushing her for sex was wrong.

But in the same breath I also want to know how old is she? I know when I was younger I made choices out of fear of being rejected. It was a self esteem issue and allowed myself to do things I didn't really want to do.

This may be why she has distanced herself as well. She may be feeling like you didn't respect her or care enough to accept being told no, especially after she told you why.

You're not totally at fault here but please learn one thing. Please don't EVER push anyone into having sex with them. If you hear the word no, respect that.

[salparadise]

you pushed and pressurised her

pushing her for sex was wrong.

 

That's not what he said. You all are trying to change the narrative. Asking a second time is not pushing or pressuring.

 

 

You're not totally at fault here but please learn one thing. Please don't EVER push anyone into having sex with them. If you hear the word no, respect that.

 

I agree, don't push or pressure. If you aren't sure, ask. The divergence here seems to be whether asking a second time is acceptable or not, and [in case of the latter] how much time must elapse before another ask is acceptable. Women have to take some responsibility too. Don't phukking say YES and then hold it against him for asking. That's BS.

[d0nnivain]

A second ask is not pressure. It may have felt like pressure to the OPs girlfriend who has issues where she can't so no. Still that is her problem. not OPs. He could have asked 10x. Might have made him an ass but not a sexual predator.

 

I doubt there is a sexually active woman in the world who hasn't at least once succumbed to her partner begging for sex who sort of laid there thinking get it over with already.

 

A woman always has the right to say no but a man similarly has the right to ask again.

 

elaine567 has a point, OP. The way you phrased this "After I finished' in some indication that you were not a considerate lover. It comes across at you taking your pleasure & not making it good for her. She may have felt empty & used. After her past trauma of which you were unware, the upset was compounded but again, this wasn't solely your fault.

 

Going forward in a new relationship perhaps be a bit more sensitive but here, stop beating yourself up. Your GF never made her position on the subject clear. You were never obligated to read her mind & recognize that yes meant no.

[littleblackheart]

She's angry at herself for 'letting you' be intimate with her despite her not really wanting to. She didn't enforce her boundary the second time and instead relented - maybe it's a learned response based on her history?

 

Lesson for her - be stricter and more assertive

 

Lesson for you - when someone says no once and gives you very valid reasons (like it's going to hurt them physically), don't ask again. Better to be intimate when both partners are equally turned on, no?

[elaine567]

Asking the second time when she clearly said no and stated her reasons IS pushing.

She did not agree, she just caved under pressure.

[PRW]

That's not what he said. You all are trying to change the narrative. Asking a second time is not pushing or pressuring.

He didn't just ask:

 

I didn't listen to her and I pushed her for it.

That is what he did.