Should I tell the wife about the EA

[trainwreck]

Okay,

 

I just found this board and I believe it has saved my life!

 

Me: 34 married 6 years after 5 years of dating my W we have 3 children.

OW: 26 came to me as a friend during breakup with BW 3mos ago.

 

I began the EA as it seems everyone does, just being a friend. Of course, I was attracted physically to the OW and flattered that she trusted me with her problems.

 

I should have started worrying when she wouldn't take up my invitations to get my wife's perspective on the matter. I should have started realizing when she asked me to keep it a secret from her. I don't blame the OW, I am even more to blame I think.

 

Eventually, we started flirting in our conversations. This past week, we went out to dinner for the second time (the first time was totally about her problems with her boyfriend a couple of months ago). This second time was different, we had already been talking about going out again and drinking and letting out our "secrets". Neither of us was really sure about our mutual attraction but both of us (as we later found out) were hoping for it.

 

So I set up a night out with my buddy as ab alibi and was able to go out with the OW. At first it was pretty tame and we just were enjoying ourselves as friends, but eventually the evening turned into a confession of our mutual feelings of attraction. Thankfully (small consolation) although both of us were drunk off our arses, we didn't do anything physically, but by admitting the mutual feelings, it set-off a chain reaction. These last few days, we've been talking almost non-stop. I've taken her to work once and we got oh so close to doing the naughty. We've tried to get a handle by saying we need to keep this in-check. We've both agreed that nothing can happen, but then have continued to flirt and it just felt that if I or she didn't stop now, we'd eventually do more than be emotionally involved.

 

I haven't been able to sleep and I found this website last night and started pouring through all the posts. It made me realize that no matter how innocent I thought the EA is, it isn't. I felt so ashamed and sorry for my wife, for my kids, for the OW. No one deserves the fallout of this so I decided to finish this before it truly gets out of hand.

 

I just got finished talking to her (OW) in person and telling her that I need to stop and that I was sorry for ever letting it get out of hand. We had a good cry and I told her that I hope someday we both would find ourselves as "real friends" again instead of being the OW or the MM.

 

I know I need to make things right with my W but should I admit to the EA after I believe I've successfully stopped it before it really became a physical affair or continued to betray my wife's trust? Will I be causing more pain to her than necessary (I don't believe she has a clue and right now she has been so worried about a new promotion and our infant child)?

 

Criticisms accepted...thank you for helping me see the light before it was too late.

[Jas]

Yikes, this is a tough one.

 

Not that she's the authority on this type of thing, but I've heard Dr. Laura tell people who are remorseful of the affair not to tell their significant other. She tells them that they must bear the burden of the guilt themselves rather than making someone else suffer right along with them.

 

Of course putting myself in your wife's shoes makes me cringe and I don't like the idea of my man harboring that type of secret.

 

However, in your case you do seem sorry about what you've done and (hopefully) you are certain you won't let it happen again - so I would advise you do not tell her. At least not now. She's got an infant (which makes you more of a jerk) and is probably overwhelmed w/ hormones and other stresses of being a new mother. Let her focus on that rather than your irresponsible, disrespectful behavior. Maybe years down the road you'll find a time you feel is right to point out this slip up. Either that or you'll become a repeat offender in which case she deserves to know so that she can move on.

 

Oh yeah - and ditch the idea of being "real friends" with the OW. You don't deserve it.

 

I'm sure many people would disagree with me...but oh well. This is just my opinion.

[whichwayisup]

You did the right thing, as hard as that was to do, it was the best senario for this situation...If you hadn't you'd probably hurt your wife more than you could ever imagine, and ofcourse, your children.

 

The best thing you can now do is find out what was missing from your marriage and what made you feel open to falling for another woman. Head to marriage counselling, tell your wife that you started developing feelings for someone else and you stopped it before it became a full fledged affair.

[GuySimple]

This is the same thing that I went through 7-years ago. My marriage wasn’t that exciting I was on a business trip met a good-looking woman who said all the right things. Unlike you I didn’t stop at the yield sign and got to the point of leaving my wife for a while (until I came to my senses).

 

The best advice I can give you is to tell your wife. Tell her how you feel about her and your relationship and commit to her to do what it takes to put it back on track.

 

You have a long road a head my-friend. You should be prepared that she may not want you back. You broke her trust in you and now you have to earn that back. On the positive side relationships can survive this with a lot of hard work.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Even if you don't tell her, at the very least consider some marriage counseling or something so that you two can get to the bottom of what it was that led you in that direction to begin with. Pinpoint your 'voids' in your marriage that you were considering filling with the OW, and see if they are something you can fill from within your own marriage. If you don't address it - those voids will remain and there is a very good chance you'll find yourself right back in an affair again.

[trainwreck]

I'm starting to feel that half will say yes to telling her and the other will say it may be best not to (at least for now).

 

I am a jerk and even if I never find the courage to tell her, I will suffer the guilt the rest of my life.

 

I know I don't deserve the OW as a friend either but that's just the part of me that hopes all will go well for everyone involved (I know it's naive and selfish).

 

As far as the void that may have created this, I'm pretty certain it was a combination of many little things and then the opportunity came that made it far too easy to get in this mess. This isn't an excuse, I know that too.

 

I love my wife, she is truly my better in so many ways...

I love my children, they bring me joy beyond words...

 

I thank you all and this board because truly, I couldn't see the forest from the trees until I started reading some of the stories here. I hope to God that I will make things right for everyone and that nothing ever comes between my wife and me again. I'm still not certain of what I should do about telling her, but I will continue to read about other experiences here and also wholeheartedly consider anyone's advice on my particular experience.

 

It's just feels a lot easier to have stopped now than go any further than I already have.

 

Again, thank you all and more advice would be greatly appreciated.

[megabit15]

Okay,

I know I need to make things right with my W but should I admit to the EA after I believe I've successfully stopped it before it really became a physical affair or continued to betray my wife's trust? Will I be causing more pain to her than necessary (I don't believe she has a clue and right now she has been so worried about a new promotion and our infant child)?

 

Criticisms accepted...thank you for helping me see the light before it was too late.

 

Congratulations on realizing how destructive your actions were! That is terrific news.

 

Please consider a few things before unloading your guilty conscience on your unsuspecting wife.

Are you ready for her to be completely devoid of trust for you? Are you ready for her anger, humiliation and insecurities to be thrown in your face for an unknown amount of time? Do you think that her knowing about it will help you take action on building a more loving relationship?

 

What does she gain by knowing?

 

Yes, what you did was wrong, but if she is not asking, why would you want her to know?

 

Please consider her before you make your decision.

 

I think making it right would entail working on building something constructive rather than destroying the good that is left. Start by treating her with respect, love, consideration, affection. Try flirting with her or helping out with caring for your young child. Hold her hand or rub her back, whatever it is that makes you both feel loved. Actions speak much louder than words.

 

If you really need to unload your conscience, please see a counselor or priest. Please consider the effect of confessing this to her will have on you, her and your child.

[trainwreck]

Yes, what you did was wrong, but if she is not asking, why would you want her to know?

 

Please consider her before you make your decision.

 

I think making it right would entail working on building something constructive rather than destroying the good that is left. Start by treating her with respect, love, consideration, affection. Try flirting with her or helping out with caring for your young child. Hold her hand or rub her back, whatever it is that makes you both feel loved. Actions speak much louder than words.

 

If you really need to unload your conscience, please see a counselor or priest. Please consider the effect of confessing this to her will have on you, her and your child.

 

Thank you,

 

One of the reasons that really hit home was that I was already trying to make ammends by flirting with her these past nights. This morning we tried to fan the flames and couldn't finish (I don't mean I couldn't do it, I just couldn't finish!) At first I told her I was worried it may have been a side effect of my recent vasectomy and then I joked that it must be the marathon training I'm currently doing. Deep inside I just wanted to break down right then and there and tell her about the EA. She agreed it might be the marathon training and didn't think it was the vasectomy (month ago).

 

After that incident and reading a few more remorseful posts here I met up with the OW later in the morning and let her know that I couldn't go on and risk going any further than we already had. I told her about the incident with the W this morning and apologized for allowing myself to fall for her when I should have just been the good friend she needed and had for awhile.

 

She admitted that it was her too, but that she was glad that I did this now too. She's really a good person too, just confused since her own break-up and I didn't help matters by allowing myself to get closer and closer to her.

 

Anyway, I wanted to say that my W and I have had our frank discussions about the possibilities of an affair. She has told me time and time again that she never wants to know if I want her to stay so it's a bit of quandry for me at this point. I want to do what is best and if means keeping it to myself and being the best damned husband and father I can from now on then I'll do it. But if I need to let her know because it's what's right and fair for her than I'm willing to take the fallout and work on whatever it is I need to work on. Or even suffer the loss of the love of my life...

 

I just want to do what's right and I'm not sure if telling or not telling is the way to go.

 

Pax

[megabit15]

Anyway, I wanted to say that my W and I have had our frank discussions about the possibilities of an affair. She has told me time and time again that she never wants to know if I want her to stay so it's a bit of quandry for me at this point. I want to do what is best and if means keeping it to myself and being the best damned husband and father I can from now on then I'll do it.

Pax

 

Hi Pax,

I can tell you that I once had a one night stand while I was married. My (now ex) husband basically told me he knew about it. After being questioned by him for months, I finally admitted it, rationalizing the decision to tell him because he was asking.

 

I knew I wouldn't do it again too. I thought it would clear the air and we would move forward. Didn't work that way. I listened to his pain for over a year. He did everything to 'punish' me, which I deserved since I was in the wrong. But it did nothing to repair the damage I had caused, it only made it impossible to build something of value. The guilt and pain of inflicting irrepairable damage on my marriage and how it affected our small son lasted for many years after our divorce.

 

Since you and your wife have already discussed this and she has made her wishes known, I would take her wishes as your best advice. You've got a good action plan by being the best damned husband and father you can be from now on.

 

Remorse is useful since it can motivate you to better decisions, but guilt is a waste of time. I hope you forgive yourself eventually, but it will take a lot longer if you let it destroy what you value most.

[megabit15]

It only made it impossible to build something of value. The guilt and pain of inflicting irrepairable damage on my marriage and how it affected our small son lasted for many years after our divorce.

 

My point in telling you this is because the guilt of ruining my son's life and causing so much anguish in my husband was worse than the guilt of the cheating. It lasted for years, and then I still had to assess why I did it in the first place. Talk about a cluster f***!

 

Had I kept my mouth shut and let my actions of being the best wife I could be speak for themselves over time, perhaps I would have been able to build trust and make a good marriage - maybe not, but I robbed us of the chance to find out.

 

LucreziaBorgia is very right when she says "Pinpoint your 'voids' in your marriage that you were considering filling with the OW, and see if they are something you can fill from within your own marriage. If you don't address it - those voids will remain and there is a very good chance you'll find yourself right back in an affair again"

 

In time you will need to do this. It will be difficult if you relieve your conscience at the expense of an unsuspecting spouse with whom you want to remain. She's told you that she'd prefer not to know.

 

Sorry, I don't mean to preach. I'm just concerned.

[Tiggerlove]

My opinion is for you to NOT tell your W. Nothing physically happend, and as long as you stop contact with the OW the best you can, you'll be fine.

Focus on the problems in your marriage and talk to your wife about those problems. Don't mention you had this "friendship" with the OW. It will just make her suspicious..and when you're trying to work on your marriage, its probably not the best thing--she might not want to work on it.

You love your wife, so fix your family.

[Trimmer]

Boy, I have mixed feelings here. My wife and I are splitting up right now. She had an affair 10 yrs ago (exposed at the time), and there's an OM now (EA at minimum, I fully suspect PA, too...) One of the things that put me over the edge recently was when we were discussing our marriage and the first affair, she somewhat defensively told me that it really didn't have anything to to with me, and that she probably wouldn't have told me about it if it hadn't been at risk of exposure through another means.

 

Now, this moment was literally the turning point in my feelings for my wife. I thought, how could you think that an affair with someone else had nothing to do with our marriage, our bond, etc... And even worse, in my mind, her reason for not telling me was not so much to spare me the hardship and to embark on a rebuilding of our marriage bond, but rather because she had managed to minimize the whole thing enough in her head to make it unimportant enough to tuck away - not even worthy of mention.

 

So here's my thing about your situation. I'm not going to come down on a side of whether or not you should tell her. Personally, I tend to be confessional by nature, but I also see the very good points that the "don't tell" folks here have made. That's a tough one that you'll have to make by yourself.

 

But, if you decide not to tell her, at least I am encouraged that you are doing it from what seems like an honorable perspective, or at least you are striving towards reclaiming some honor in your soul. And it sounds like you are doing it with an intention to rebuild what you have damaged.

 

So let me act as your wife's proxy here and tell you that this is what I expect of you if you do not tell her, because this is what I think a reasonable spouse might ask for:

 

You owe all your loyalty to me, and you owe NO loyalty to the OW. You stepped over the line, and don't even think you could go back to being "just friends" with her, because it would be a slap in my face if you tried to do so. If you are serious about regaining my trust and remaining my husband, you must have no contact with the OW forevermore.

 

If you didn't already make it clear to the OW already, you may have one short conversation, preferably not face-to-face, for the sole purpose of telling her that (1) you have chosen to cut off ALL contact with her forever, and (2) you will not accept any attempts of her contacting you in any way. You should say nothing additional to her ("it was fun...", "maybe someday we could be...", "it could have been...", "in another world...", etc...) that would make me uncomfortable if I were listening.

 

I expect you to work to pinpoint the voids within our marriage that you were looking to fill with the OW. (Credit to LucreziaBorgia for the wording.)

 

 

Help me out, folks... What else - reasonably - should we hold him to???

[trainwreck]

Sorry, I don't mean to preach. I'm just concerned.

 

No offense taken and what you said and your experience makes sense to me. Although part of me still thinks I'm betraying her further by not saying anything.

 

One thing I've considered is that if I don't tell now or soon and then she finds out by some other way. Maybe the OW will flip out on me although it doesn't appear that way or she might confess to someone who may feel compelled to tell my W (we have common friends).

 

But when I decided to end it quickly I also told myself to prepare to lose everything including my family as long as I didn't go further and stopped the eventual trainwreck. I'll do whatever it takes to keep my family whole even if it means having to prove myself 10 times over to my W. I know what I did was wrong and that it can never happen again. If I lose my W over the EA, at least I'll know that I didn't add insult to injury by continuing or letting it go even further.

 

But I also wish I could take back the pain I may have caused the OW. She knows that she was bound to lose me but I don't think she would have let her feelings known to me if I had not first let out my feelings.

 

My wife is younger than me but the OW is even younger than her so I just feel bad. Plus, I'm the second MM she's gotten involved with. Her first was when she was 18 and she was used and really got messed with not only by him but even the MM's W. I don't know what's really up with her, but I'm sorry that she has to feel that she can only attract the wrong men.

 

Anyway, I feel much more hopeful about my chances and will strongly be considering the don't ask, don't tell route unless someone can convince me that telling is the right thing to do to help our family move on from this.

 

Thanks again y'all are great.

[trainwreck]

So let me act as your wife's proxy here and tell you that this is what I expect of you if you do not tell her, because this is what I think a reasonable spouse might ask for:

 

You owe all your loyalty to me, and you owe NO loyalty to the OW. You stepped over the line, and don't even think you could go back to being "just friends" with her, because it would be a slap in my face if you tried to do so. If you are serious about regaining my trust and remaining my husband, you must have no contact with the OW forevermore.

 

If you didn't already make it clear to the OW already, you may have one short conversation, preferably not face-to-face, for the sole purpose of telling her that (1) you have chosen to cut off ALL contact with her forever, and (2) you will not accept any attempts of her contacting you in any way. You should say nothing additional to her ("it was fun...", "maybe someday we could be...", "it could have been...", "in another world...", etc...) that would make me uncomfortable if I were listening.

 

I expect you to work to pinpoint the voids within our marriage that you were looking to fill with the OW. (Credit to LucreziaBorgia for the wording.)

 

 

Help me out, folks... What else - reasonably - should we hold him to???

 

Thank you Trimmer and I am sorry that things have not worked for you and your W. You're right and make some good points about cutting all contact from the OW. Unfortunately, there are a couple of problems.

 

One, she is part of our social circles so at the least I will have to see her and interact with her in some shape because the W was already suspicious when she first learned that I was helping her with her boyfriend. I began the friendship by telling my wife about the initial contacts, but when the OW started feeling uncomfortable about me telling the W about our discussions, I stopped telling my W how and when she would contact me. I think if all of a sudden my W notices that I'm practically ignoring her during gatherings that something is up.

 

Secondly, she volunteers at the same church and we work together. I will still need to be strong enough to be around her without overstepping again. I'm hoping to be able to not to talk to her except about the work we must do together and since it is religious in nature, as long as we don't try to start up friendly banter I think it'll work out. I know this is the worst of my current plans as I'm sure many will disagree with it. I just can't move away and I don't think it's fair that she have to do that either for something I'm just at fault for.

 

I'm not sure about this aspect but I'm not going to do anything to get back into the EA. No calling at work, no going out, no coffee, no friendly banter beyond our shared responsibilities at church. We talked about these restrictions this morning when I ended it and she agreed. She's scared that I may tell my W because it could affect her church responsibilities but we both realized we've got a lot to repent for. One those few times that I felt religious guilt is a positive.

 

Thank you again T.and I hope I am doing the right steps to prevent more problems.

[Tiggerlove]

I sure wish the OW could read this forum so she can see how much of a mess you're really in. Apparently she doesn't have respect for families or else she wouldn't keep getting involved with married men. Don't feel bad for her any more. She is a home-wrecker---and if she's religious like you say she is...hopefully she'll ask for forgiveness for what pain she could have caused you and your family.

 

You are at fault, yes, but you stopped it. I don't think she would have stopped.

I don't have sympathy for people like her.

[Trimmer]

trainwreck -

 

I question your assertion that you caused the OW's pain. You are both adults now, you each knew that you were holding lighted matches in your hands, and you both got burned. You didn't cause her fingers to get burned. She did. And if she doesn't realize that (especially after an earlier experience with a MM), it's immaturity on her part. Try to get past the feeling that you have any remaining loyalty or responsibility to her. You do not. Whatever other problems she may have, she played with fire a second time and got burned again, and she needs to take responsibility for it within her own life as you are struggling to do in yours, and go get herself together without your help.

 

You know, I agree with Tiggerlove - it sounds like she lacks respect for marriage and families. In her earlier experience, she got involved with a MM and she felt "used and messed with"? As opposed to what? What does she expect would be a "normal", "fair", or "ideal" outcome of getting involved with a MM? Was she expecting it to turn out well somehow?

 

This is blunt, but your entire focus should be on healing your marriage. Any ounce of energy you spend thinking about, feeling sorry for, or sympathizing with the OW from here out is energy you are withholding from your wife.

 

Now, as to the question of what you should do and how you should act, let's approach it another way. Let's imagine that you told your wife, and let's get past the issue of whether she would immediately storm out of your life, never to return, by just accepting for now that she decided to stay and work it out. Given her knowledge of your situation, your social circles, the church volunteering, etc.... what do you think would be reasonable for a spouse in her position to ask of you to rehabilitate the trust between you?

[crazy_grl]

Trainwreck, ordinarily, I'd say tell your wife, because hiding the secret and harboring that guilt is going to affect you and your wife will pick up on that. BUT your wife did tell you she wouldn't want to know. There has to be a reason she told you that. She may know that she couldn't handle it and would continually hold it against you. Of course, she may have changed her mind since she told you that, and she may feel differently if she finds out from someone else.

 

But maybe the answer is simply explaining to your W that you feel your relationship has lost something you once had. Tell her how much you love her and that you want to see a counselor. But it really is going to be hard to get to the root of the issue in a counseling session without bringing up the OW (or at least thoughts of another woman), because you're going to have to explain why you're concerned about your relationship. And lying about the reason isn't going to get you very far.

 

Also, my thoughts on the OW were the same as Trigger's and Tiggerlove's. If this were the first time she'd gotten involved with a MM, I could understand feeling bad for her. But she went into this knowing full well what the outcome could be, and if she didn't, something inside her head isn't aligned properly. She should have seen what was potenially coming and taken steps to avoid it. Instead, she took actions to progress it (asking you to hide her from your W).

 

The fact that she's on her 2nd MM shows that she has no respect for commitment and marriage vows. What she did was very selfish. Bottom line is she's an adult and you didn't make her do anything. You owe her nothing.

[trainwreck]

Trainwreck, ordinarily, I'd say tell your wife, because hiding the secret and harboring that guilt is going to affect you and your wife will pick up on that. BUT your wife did tell you she wouldn't want to know. There has to be a reason she told you that. She may know that she couldn't handle it and would continually hold it against you. Of course, she may have changed her mind since she told you that, and she may feel differently if she finds out from someone else.

 

But maybe the answer is simply explaining to your W that you feel your relationship has lost something you once had. Tell her how much you love her and that you want to see a counselor. But it really is going to be hard to get to the root of the issue in a counseling session without bringing up the OW (or at least thoughts of another woman), because you're going to have to explain why you're concerned about your relationship. And lying about the reason isn't going to get you very far.

 

Also, my thoughts on the OW were the same as Trigger's and Tiggerlove's. If this were the first time she'd gotten involved with a MM, I could understand feeling bad for her. But she went into this knowing full well what the outcome could be, and if she didn't, something inside her head isn't aligned properly. She should have seen what was potenially coming and taken steps to avoid it. Instead, she took actions to progress it (asking you to hide her from your W).

 

The fact that she's on her 2nd MM shows that she has no respect for commitment and marriage vows. What she did was very selfish. Bottom line is she's an adult and you didn't make her do anything. You owe her nothing.

 

 

I'm starting to realize what people are saying about the OW. She did have the opportunity to not let me know about her feelings and having the past experience (although it was 8 years ago and she was very young), you'd think she'd had figured it out that trying to hide a friendship from a MM's W could lead to trouble.

 

I don't feel any less guilty on my part but I am starting to realize that she doesn't realize how much she had a part in this. During our break-up talk she asked that I not reveal us due to the fact that she felt she didn't really do anything wrong.

 

Plus, the stuff she told me about her BF and her made me think that she was a bit immature as well. She seems to punish her men for their mistakes and yet tries to insulate herself from accepting much if any of the blame. Thank you I will think about this more (what a fool I've been!)

[Trimmer]

Trainwreck - this is going to be a hard habit to break, but it's your first task, and we'll keep reminding you: Leave the OW behind.

 

...the stuff she told me about her BF and her made me think that she was a bit immature as well. She seems to punish her men for their mistakes and yet tries to insulate herself from accepting much if any of the blame. Thank you I will think about this more.

 

Your conclusion may well be right, but what we're telling you is actually to think about her LESS. Your powers of analysis should be directed towards yourself, your wife, your marriage, and how to make it better. The reason we are pointing out your OW's "issues" is so you can realize that her problems are now all her responsibility to analyze, figure out, and fix. No more energy from you trying to figure her out, OK? I'm being pretty brutal here, but I'm still kind of acting as your wife's proxy, as presumptuous - and maybe even arrogant - as that may be of me. If your wife were listening, I believe she would be more respectful of you trying to figure out your own issues leading to this situation, and not so happy at you expending any energy trying to figure out the OW.

 

For your sake, you got out not a moment too soon. Any looking back needs to be at what was going on in your head and heart. Regardless of the degree of culpability on the part of the OW, you need to work on what parts you need to take responsibility for.

[trainwreck]

Trimmer, you're soo right!

 

I'm starting to obsess with this thing about how the OW is feeling. I've been examining my own feelings for sure, but still concentrating too much on how I can effectively help the OW from doing something like this again...

 

This is why I knew I couldn't let this go on without trying to stop it. I'm just not able to control myself and you're all right, what is wrong with my marriage to make me feel the way I do?

 

My wife has always been supportive and I've tried to be the same. We share child-rearing responsibilities, we share household chores, we talk about most of what bothers us (although I know we both could open up more about things). We both still love each other but I know there has been some stress lately with her going back to work earlier than necessary because of a promotion she didn't want to give up. Plus our newest child was having problems bottle feeding and then we were faced with our eldest child going to pre-school (that one posed multiple stresses with figuring out how to afford the school we wanted, scheduling issues on picking-up/dropping off, worrying about increased exposure to illnesses, etc.)

 

Plus for me, I have been feeling a little detached because I've been dealing with my own work related stresses that I really have kept from the W because I felt her work problems were the priority. Plus, the new baby has kept us from being as spontaneous as we'd both like to in the romance department. Since quitting smoking and getting on this new healthy lifestyle of running and exercise I've lost like 20lbs and feel so energetic that it does feel like a downer when I see my wife who is struggling to just get some of her pre-baby weight.

 

We had a recent spat about her feeling left behind and me not doing as much around the house as before and her feeling like she needed to remind me too much. Well, I didn't argue, I said she was right and started doing more to show her as much. She noticed and seems really happy with me. This was almost simultaneous with the OW letting me know how she was feeling so I guess it helped to just put me to shame for what I had been doing. It just killed me to know that I was trying so hard to do my family right, but yet I gave into these feelings (which I believe are natural but need to be controlled).

 

I'm still really disappointed with myself everytime I sit and think about this whole thing. I don't show it to my W, I don't show it to anyone. I think anyone who knows me would freak if they knew what was really going on with me and be so surprised.

 

I'm just glad I can log in here and say what's on my mind without fearing that I'd get into more trouble or really hurting the ones I love.

 

I know I can't think about the OW anymore, but I see her still at least 3-4 times a week. I haven't tried to call her since thursday when I told her that I couldn't go any further. She called me a couple of times and I tried to be nice and I think that's how I started obsessing about her feelings because I just felt guilty for the whole thing.

 

I'm training for my first marathon and Saturday I ran my first 12 miler, it helped a little to get my mind off the whole thing, but my thoughts would come back to if I should just fess up and let go of the guilt and face the consequences or should I suffer in silence and just keep it to myself. I started thinking of who I could trust with this whole thing and right now I don't know. My family would rat on me because they wouldn't allow such deception. My friends would rat on me because it's just too big a secret to keep in my social circles. My pastor wouldn't keep it quiet either because my family is prominent in our congregation.

 

There's one friend of mine that started her own EA with OM, she too broke it off before anything started. The main difference was that she and her H got married because of a pregnancy and her H has always been a source of problem for her. I wanted to confide in her, but I'm afraid she would turn around and admit something to me too. She has tried to share her problems with my wife, but she has expressed that she feels more comfortable with me. It's just too scary to attempt, but I just feel she would understand what I'm going through and maybe, just maybe let me know how to handle it like she seems to have.

 

You may ask why I get this kind of attention, well myfamily has a lot of responsibilities at our church (I am not a spiritual leader like a pastor, but I teach and head a social group for married members) so people tend to trust us. It's just I've let someone get too close to me now and it's screwed my whole perception of who I am and who I should be. It's so ironic, that I would get into this mess. I even give seminars on family life and husband/wifer relations. Never knew about EA as I always addressed only PA's.

 

God help me, but thank you Trimmer and the rest for being honest and sharing your experience and views. I guess I could still be a trainwreck ready to happen...

[RecordProducer]

I know I need to make things right with my W but should I admit to the EA after I believe I've successfully stopped it before it really became a physical affair or continued to betray my wife's trust? Will I be causing more pain to her than necessary (I don't believe she has a clue and right now she has been so worried about a new promotion and our infant child)?

 

I admire your reasoning and self-control. I hope you will stick to your decision to not speak to the OW again.

If I were your wife, I definitely wouldn't want to know about the EA. I strongly advise you not to tell her. You haven't done anything wrong. It's human to develop feelings, but you controlled them and now move on. Get the OWout of your mind and work on your marriage instead. You have a little baby, spend more time with him/her too.

[trainwreck]

I admire your reasoning and self-control. I hope you will stick to your decision to not speak to the OW again.

If I were your wife, I definitely wouldn't want to know about the EA. I strongly advise you not to tell her. You haven't done anything wrong. It's human to develop feelings, but you controlled them and now move on. Get the OWout of your mind and work on your marriage instead. You have a little baby, spend more time with him/her too.

 

Thank you, but I'm still messed up in the head at this point... I'm staying home tomorrow with all three kids because two eldest are sick and the W is stuck going to work (first day as the new boss). And my parents who babysit the youngest two have medical appointments.

 

I look at my kids long and hard everyday now and remind myself that nothing I do should make them suffer. They deserve the best I have, but this situation has made me question my own thoughts about myself.

 

Like I said, I'm not acting weird around the family or friends, but deep inside my thoughts are constantly switching from guilt to anger and even to "what if?" and "how?"

 

When you finally admit and see how weak you can become after trying so hard to be good, it really does something to your head and I'm still trying to get a grip on the whole thing. Y'all have really helped though in keeping me focused.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Trimmer, you're soo right!

 

You may ask why I get this kind of attention, well myfamily has a lot of responsibilities at our church (I am not a spiritual leader like a pastor, but I teach and head a social group for married members) so people tend to trust us. It's just I've let someone get too close to me now and it's screwed my whole perception of who I am and who I should be. It's so ironic, that I would get into this mess. I even give seminars on family life and husband/wifer relations. Never knew about EA as I always addressed only PA's.

 

God help me.....

 

well.....look at it this way.....God wants us to be part of his ministry.....he wants each of us to do our own Works thru Ministry. Take this as a wakeup call from God.....he now showed you what EA's are.....use this knowledge and teach it in your seminars....

 

When my wife had her EA...which evolved into PA.....I too searched deep.....deep to see why this was happening....and all I could conclude was that her EA/PA happened for a reason......we learn and grow thru Trials.....

 

Take this and learn from it....use this as a source of strenght to help you rebuild your emotional relationship with you wife.....think of it as a bittersweet experience.... bitter because of the pain you are feeling....but sweet because it will help you grow and learn.....be strong brother....

[Trimmer]

There's one friend of mine that started her own EA with OM, she too broke it off before anything started. The main difference was that she and her H got married because of a pregnancy and her H has always been a source of problem for her. I wanted to confide in her, but I'm afraid she would turn around and admit something to me too. She has tried to share her problems with my wife, but she has expressed that she feels more comfortable with me. It's just too scary to attempt, but I just feel she would understand what I'm going through and maybe, just maybe let me know how to handle it like she seems to have.

 

trainwreck - I think you are right NOT to pick this woman as a possible confidant, and I want to bolster your decision, because you might well end up out of the frying pan, and in the fire. I don't intend to put down her character at all, but let's take a brief review in general terms about what you might want to avoid here:

 

• She's a woman
  
• She's already dabbled in an EA
  
• She's got current problems in her marriage
  
• She's already close to your wife, but feels more comfortable with you.
  
• You have a problem in your marriage.
  
• You are feeling confused and vulnerable.
  

Individually, these are some red flags, some stronger than othes. When I look at them all put together, they're a big pile of dry wood waiting for a match. I'm not saying that something would definitely happen, I'm just concerned that you would be putting yourself in the middle of another risky environment, right when you are feeling vulnerable. Sounds like a very bad idea to me. I just don't think the potential payoff (the possibility of some useful advice, from someone who hasn't worked through her own marital problems?) is worth the risk.

 

As a matter of fact, in my opinion, I would consider "she's a woman" to be a deal breaker as far as your current situation and your need for a confidant during a weak and vulnerable time. I would suggest you consider whether you should either find (1) a man, or (2) possibly a male or female counselor, where you would have the insulation of a professional/clinical relationship. Don't get me wrong - I have always felt more comfortable sharing my feelings and emotions with women, which is exactly why I have been careful not to do so while I've been married.

 

It seems like people get into EA's because it's a very slippery slope. Read for a while here on LS, and see how many of them start with "just a friend", "needed someone to confide in", "shared a meal", "enjoyed company", "shared secrets", "didn't realize what was happening", etc... Where did it go from being OK to crossing the line? They start out thinking that nothing is going on (which is technically true, at the very beginning, I suppose), but then they get boiled alive as the thing simmers along - slowly, gently, comfortably, and ultimately thrillingly - to a point past where they are willing to control it any more. And ultimately they utter those deadly words: "I don't know, it just happened." Well, no - the opportunity "just happened"; everything after that was a choice that was made and acted upon.

 

My attitude is, look for the potential red flags, and insulate yourself from them before you take that first step. Don't consider confiding in a woman outside your marriage about problems within your marriage. The fact that you are in a weak, vulnerable position compounds it further. The fact that she has problems of her own compounds it even more. You are risking complicating your situation even further. Look out for red flags...

 

So to bring it back around, I hope this bolsters your decision not to seek her counsel. I realize I am really smashing this in your face here, but I hope I'm speaking somewhat objectively and that my bitterness (gee, could you tell? ) about the slippery slope leading to EA's and beyond isn't coloring my advice too much...

[crazy_grl]

There's one friend of mine that started her own EA with OM, she too broke it off before anything started. The main difference was that she and her H got married because of a pregnancy and her H has always been a source of problem for her. I wanted to confide in her, but I'm afraid she would turn around and admit something to me too. She has tried to share her problems with my wife, but she has expressed that she feels more comfortable with me. It's just too scary to attempt, but I just feel she would understand what I'm going through and maybe, just maybe let me know how to handle it like she seems to have.

 

It sounds like the last thing you need is another woman to confide in. Isn't that the way this whole thing got started? (That's a genuine question for you to think about because I don't know for sure.) From what you've described, it sounds like you felt you couldn't confide in your W, so you began seeking comfort from the OW.

 

Everybody needs someone to confide in and comfort them. It sounds like you were trying to be a good husband and not add to your wife's stress, but you neglected your own needs. For your W to be able to fill those, you have to let her know they're there.

 

Anyway, if you can figure out on your own why you began the EA, you can begin addressing that issue with your wife without mentioning the OW. Maybe a few individual counseling sessions would help. Unlike with a marriage counselor, with a private counselor, you can discuss the OW freely without your W knowing, and the OW aspect really needs to be addressed to understand the problem fully.

 

Once you've figured out why you did it, you need to begin to let go of the guilt, because you stopped an EA from progressing into a PA and used it as an opportunity to strengthen your marriage instead. While the EA isn't something to be proud of, having the strength to stop it and realizing that your wife and children are most important is.