Should I tell the wife about the EA

[rble618740]

Everyone is advising you based on the characterization of your interactions with this woman as an "emotional affair." You, however, said that the two of you came oh so close to doing the "naughty." Not to pry, but you may need to provide information on the physical aspects, if any, of this relationship. People may have different advice if in fact this relationship became physical on some level (albeit not intercourse).

[RecordProducer]

Even the happiest people feel sad sometimes, right? Same with marriages. Marriage is not a synonym for full-time entertainment. After three children, numerous obligations, problems, and everyday monotony of life, another woman can seem like a goddess to you, like a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

But it's just an illusion. We always seek something new. But it wears out very soon, we get disappointed and go back to the good old safe values. You should seek deep love amid your children, family, and friends; sparkling conversations and sexual tension are temporary, unreal, and may destroy your life.

 

It's good to have a fantasy for a moment, enjoy somebody's presence and relax in your thoughts, but pursuing anything in life costs a lot. Do you want to divorce your wife after she gave you three little kids? Do you want to cheat on her? Can you live with the guilt? I assume not. So the decision is easy. You just need to make it and stick to it. Don't say you are confused about the other woman. She is nobody in your life and doesn't deserve a place between you and your family.

 

If you have problems with your wife, work on them or try marriage counseling.

[trainwreck]

Everyone is advising you based on the characterization of your interactions with this woman as an "emotional affair." You, however, said that the two of you came oh so close to doing the "naughty." Not to pry, but you may need to provide information on the physical aspects, if any, of this relationship. People may have different advice if in fact this relationship became physical on some level (albeit not intercourse).

 

I think the "oh so close" was more of a fantasy wish when I think about it. We barely held hands and hugged goodby.

 

Just to update:

 

I'm still talking to the OW and it's about trying to understand why she told me what she did and where she actually thought it would lead. Beyond that we seem to be back to understanding that nothing can happen so why ruin the friendship. I think there is a point there and that maybe that night was a fluke caused by drinking. Although, the heavy flirting the following days was a bit too much for me.

 

I'm playing with fire here I know, but today, I was being a good dad and supportive spouse and just being able to get away for a bit and present myself as me, not the husband or the father was fine. No physical contact, just talk.

 

Why can't I do that with the W, well, she's sick, the kids are sick, she's busy with her new responsibilities at work. I just needed an escape. I was the one who stayed home today to tend to everything.

 

If I don't log on here in the near future, it's probably out of shame for not following through. I'm already tired of myself, I need help!

[crazy_grl]

Why can't I do that with the W, well, she's sick, the kids are sick, she's busy with her new responsibilities at work. I just needed an escape. I was the one who stayed home today to tend to everything.

 

That's incredibly unfair to your wife. You're letting another woman fill what should be her role so your wife won't be more worried or stressed? You're going to cause her much more pain, hurt, and stress if you continue to see the OW socially. Read some threads from men/women who suspect their spouses are cheating on them and see how much stress and worry they're dealing with. Then think of how painful it will be for her when the affair progresses and she finds out her husband wants a divorce because he's fallen in love with another woman. By talking to OW instead of your wife, you're only going to make things worse for her, not better.

 

The only person you're making things better for is you, and it will probably only be for the short term, not the long term. That's very selfish and short-sighted of you. (Sorry, but I think you need to hear that.)

 

At least give your wife the chance to be there for you. Then if she chooses not to try to fulfill your needs you have every right to rethink your relationship.

 

And if you want a friend who you can just talk to without worrying having to be the father or the husband, find a good male friend. While you're in this volnerable state, a woman (especially the woman you already have feelings for) is a bad choice. Maybe you and the OW can be friends eventually since it wasn't a PA, but not right now, not until after you've worked out the problems in your marriage.

[trainwreck]

That's incredibly unfair to your wife. You're letting another woman fill what should be her role so your wife won't be more worried or stressed? You're going to cause her much more pain, hurt, and stress if you continue to see the OW socially. Read some threads from men/women who suspect their spouses are cheating on them and see how much stress and worry they're dealing with. Then think of how painful it will be for her when the affair progresses and she finds out her husband wants a divorce because he's fallen in love with another woman. By talking to OW instead of your wife, you're only going to make things worse for her, not better.

 

The only person you're making things better for is you, and it will probably only be for the short term, not the long term. That's very selfish and short-sighted of you. (Sorry, but I think you need to hear that.)

 

At least give your wife the chance to be there for you. Then if she chooses not to try to fulfill your needs you have every right to rethink your relationship.

 

And if you want a friend who you can just talk to without worrying having to be the father or the husband, find a good male friend. While you're in this volnerable state, a woman (especially the woman you already have feelings for) is a bad choice. Maybe you and the OW can be friends eventually since it wasn't a PA, but not right now, not until after you've worked out the problems in your marriage.

 

I know I'm being unfair and all, but I also know my wife. It's easier to give her space and talk about my needs after she is not being consumed by present problems. I will be dealing with this with her as I've successfully done in the past.

 

I woke up this morning thinking that I'm nutz to think a friendship is all I want from this woman. I do have desires to go as far as a PA and she has basically said that she doesn't want that but that she couldn't guarantee it would never happen. That made me think about how many OW want soulmates and cheating MM want passionate affairs.

 

I guess I do need more of an outlet for my true feelings and I'm not ready to actually admit them to people I know (does that show how little I really trust people?). I would like to talk to y'all about this if you feel that I'm not imposing.

 

Thanks again, I'm feeling a bit more in control today and have no desire to contact OW, but I will be seeing her tonight because of a church thing and also a mutual friend is getting married and I am the best man and she is one of the bridesmaids (she's a cousin of the bride and the groom has been my best friend for many years now). Tonight is the rehearsal and dinner.

 

I'm about to tell him about the whole thing as he's been an enabler by agreeing to be my alibi twice without asking what I'm actually doing. I just didn't want to have anything wrong happen before his wedding and he's not really the friend who advises. The other problem with him is that he's the kind of guy that I may need to talk out of an A (EA or PA) one day (actually he's never showed real signs of that, I'm just projecting I think)!

 

There is a guy friend at work that I have confided the EA to. I just feel like I can't get all the truth out with him.

 

I know that people say I shouldn't start confiding in the OOW that has trusted me before, but she called me today to let me know how well her relationship with her H has been lately and how happy she's been. I so want to ask her about her views and what to do...oh well so far I haven't said anything.

[Jas]

Is the other woman married?? In your original post you mention BW and I don't even know what that stands for, but then you mention her problems with her boyfriend. Then you just said "her H" - which I'm guessing means husband. Which is it?

 

"I know I'm being unfair and all, but I also know my wife. It's easier to give her space and talk about my needs after she is not being consumed by present problems. I will be dealing with this with her as I've successfully done in the past."

 

So, if you know you can talk about your needs when she is a little less occupied - then have some patience and wait it out!! Write in a journal, vent here...do something other than confiding in OW. I realize most men have affairs to satisfy needs that are not being met in their marriage - but from what you're saying, your wife will meet them, you just need to give her some time.

 

But, I'm also willing to bet that if you approached it the right way, your wife would be willing to put aside some of her business to tend to your needs. She is your WIFE and you owe it to her to give her that opportunity, rather than just assuming she's too caught up and running to OW! Your wife might not have a clue you're waiting on her. Oh what the heck, go ahead and have an affair if your wife is heartless and negletful...but not when she is left in the dark.

[cranium]

I'm still talking to the OW and it's about trying to understand why she told me what she did and where she actually thought it would lead.

 

This is what you need to stop doing. You are continuing to divert energy and affection from your relationship by continuing contact with OW.

 

After I caught MW with her OM, she spent time wondering the same thing. She felt he was a good friend and meant to be in her life and they messed it up. Tough. You and OW shouldn't go back to being friends. Sorry, you crossed the line. Do as LucreziaBorgia recommended and get into counseling.

[trainwreck]

Is the other woman married?? In your original post you mention BW and I don't even know what that stands for, but then you mention her problems with her boyfriend. Then you just said "her H" - which I'm guessing means husband. Which is it?

 

"I know I'm being unfair and all, but I also know my wife. It's easier to give her space and talk about my needs after she is not being consumed by present problems. I will be dealing with this with her as I've successfully done in the past."

 

So, if you know you can talk about your needs when she is a little less occupied - then have some patience and wait it out!! Write in a journal, vent here...do something other than confiding in OW. I realize most men have affairs to satisfy needs that are not being met in their marriage - but from what you're saying, your wife will meet them, you just need to give her some time.

 

But, I'm also willing to bet that if you approached it the right way, your wife would be willing to put aside some of her business to tend to your needs. She is your WIFE and you owe it to her to give her that opportunity, rather than just assuming she's too caught up and running to OW! Your wife might not have a clue you're waiting on her. Oh what the heck, go ahead and have an affair if your wife is heartless and negletful...but not when she is left in the dark.

 

 

There are two OW that I'm talking about now. The original the OW I had the EA with is single and had boyfriend troubles. The second is a MW that has also confided in me of past hardships between her H and herself.

 

Patience is not a virtue as of late for me...

[portableversion]

you are just looking for ANY excuse to talk to OW, under the guise of "i am concerned about her..." BAH!

 

So there are two OW's??

 

Please, either fu*k them or don't. Because that's what this is really about.

[Jas]

@ portableversion

[Trimmer]

Robert Downey, Jr. - notable actor and drug addict - said to a judge at a sentencing hearing, "It's like I've got a shotgun in my mouth and my finger on the trigger ... and I like the taste of gunmetal."

 

Trainwreck - if you need us to tell you to stop talking to and thinking about both of these women, we've done it, but you really already know that you should stop, don't you?

 

This originally started out as a question of whether you should come clean to your wife or not. And your motives sounded arguably pure starting out - handle the guilt yourself and protect her from the pain and stress, based on the premise that you would do the work to fix youself and work together with her to make the marriage stronger. I don't know whether the not-telling route would work for me, but if there's any way it could possibly work, it could only be if you move forward and act as scrupulously "good" within your marriage as if you DID tell her and you had both agreed to some strict rules to rebuild her trust and your marriage together.

 

Now it sounds like the reasons for "not telling her" have muddied and gotten lost a little bit, and your willingness to adhere to some strict rules isn't quite what I think she would expect if she were in the loop. I'll quote myself from post #16 of this thread (generally bad form, but I have to do it)

 

...as to the question of what you should do and how you should act, let's approach it another way. Let's imagine that you told your wife, and let's get past the issue of whether she would immediately storm out of your life, never to return, by just accepting for now that she decided to stay and work it out. Given her knowledge of your situation, your social circles, the church volunteering, etc.... what do you think would be reasonable for a spouse in her position to ask of you to rehabilitate the trust between you?

 

I don't think you ever responded directly to this question, and I think you should. I am concerned that the "not telling your wife" has gotten corrupted into "well, I can still take a chance because she doesn't know about it." And now you're energies are directed out towards 2 different emotionally risky women, and you are specifically holding back from your wife.

 

If you are not going to tell her, you need to be pure of heart, absolutely scrupulous about your behavior, beyond just "ok".

 

You have to want to get the gun out of your mouth. What'll it be?

[trainwreck]

Robert Downey, Jr. - notable actor and drug addict - said to a judge at a sentencing hearing, "It's like I've got a shotgun in my mouth and my finger on the trigger ... and I like the taste of gunmetal."

 

You have to want to get the gun out of your mouth. What'll it be?

 

Absolutely right on Trimmer and everyone. I've being a spineless villain and using many an excuse to continue behavior that is both damaging and the opposite of scrupulous or of moving forward. I'm still being wishy-washy and now adding an added an element of danger by wanting to confide in another woman that could also possibly muddy the issue more if I don't watch it.

 

I'm just venting, really, I know what needs to be done, I'm just glad there's a place where I can safely voice my angst. I know I've sounded really bad, but I'm gaining a handle each day...

[Trimmer]

... and I wouldn't beat on you this hard if I thought you were beyond hope ...

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to say this, but maybe the only way you can stop yourself from contacting these two women is come clean with your wife. That way, atleast your focus will be primarly on her and your marriage and kids. Once the A is out in the open she will be watching you like a hawk.

 

At the end of the day it doesn't matter what any of us on LS think, it's you and your thoughts that count. You're not letting us down, you're letting yourself down and your family. I'm not saying this to make you feel worse and guilty, just reality check.

 

Before you made another huge mistake, you need to tell the OOW that you can't help her out, if she needs to talk, to see her girlfriends or see a marriage counsellor. Don't take on her problems and emotions, you have enough on your plate right now. One OW is enough, you don't need two of them. And what if they start calling you at home? Your wife still could find out about the A on her own or if somebody has seen you two.

[Trimmer]

One OW is enough....

 

Hmmm, I'm still suggesting that's one too many...

[whichwayisup]

Hmmm, I'm still suggesting that's one too many...

 

Yup, you're right. But he needs to RID of them both, not keep one.

 

Train, sounds like you need a friend, a male friend, to talk to. Stop being women's savour's and helping them with their issues at home. That's what their girl friends are for... Don't want to see you get sucked into another situation where you get attached and develope feelings.

[sugar-rae]

I sure wish the OW could read this forum so she can see how much of a mess you're really in. Apparently she doesn't have respect for families or else she wouldn't keep getting involved with married men. Don't feel bad for her any more. She is a home-wrecker---and if she's religious like you say she is...hopefully she'll ask for forgiveness for what pain she could have caused you and your family.

 

You are at fault, yes, but you stopped it. I don't think she would have stopped.

I don't have sympathy for people like her.

 

Neither do I. My H's ex-ow tried to make him think while they were having their A that she was this innocent nice woman. NOT! Wolf in sheeps clothing.

 

If she (the woman you almost had an A with)was nice, she would have told you right off the bat, hey you're married, I don't date/have sex with MM.

There's plenty of SM out there for her.

 

If you do tell your W, you better not sputter on about how "innocent" the prospective OW is and how nice and what a victim she is. She (your W)won't want to hear that. It will leave your W thinking, if the other woman is nice, there may come a time when he has a change of heart, --- ya know?

 

Your W deserves better than that.

The woman you almost had an A with, she needs to get HER life straightened out and move on. You two don't even need to be on speaking terms! Very wrong, very dangerous!

IMO

[sanso]

Absolutely right on Trimmer and everyone. I've being a spineless villain and using many an excuse to continue behavior that is both damaging and the opposite of scrupulous or of moving forward. I'm still being wishy-washy and now adding an added an element of danger by wanting to confide in another woman that could also possibly muddy the issue more if I don't watch it.

 

I'm just venting, really, I know what needs to be done, I'm just glad there's a place where I can safely voice my angst. I know I've sounded really bad, but I'm gaining a handle each day...

 

 

No one else has seemed to take on the Christian aspect of this.

Since you are so involved with your church, shouldn't you should heed the teachings in the Bible? You now have first hand knowledge of how tricky TEMPTATION can be. Matthew recounts the Temptation of Jesus. Maybe you should read it and FIND STRENGTH in God to overcome this? Yes, you were tempted, yes you were giving in, but before you gave in completely to the sin of adultery in it's fullest (sex) you CHOSE to stop. You CHOSE the right path. Now you need to CHOOSE to stay on it. When Satan tried to get Jesus to do wrong, Jesus always answered him with scripture. Even if you are not being the best husband you can be right now, at least stand up and be the best Christian you can be!!!

 

/end rant

[sugar-rae]

No one else has seemed to take on the Christian aspect of this.

 

Alot of these forums do not want opinions relating to a "christian" type of advice. I have found this out since posting on messageboards like this.

 

I do agree with you Sanso that this man should fall back on his Christianity for strength and guidance.

 

What I'm wondering is, does this prospective OW know that he is "religious"? If so, what does that say about HER as a person?

 

Just wondering...

[trainwreck]

25 "My days are swifter than a runner;

they fly away without a glimpse of joy.

 

26 They skim past like boats of papyrus,

like eagles swooping down on their prey.

 

27 If I say, 'I will forget my complaint,

I will change my expression, and smile,'

 

28 I still dread all my sufferings,

for I know you will not hold me innocent.

 

29 Since I am already found guilty,

why should I struggle in vain?

 

30 Even if I washed myself with soap

and my hands with washing soda,

 

31 you would plunge me into a slime pit

so that even my clothes would detest me.

 

32 "He is not a man like me that I might answer him,

that we might confront each other in court.

 

33 If only there were someone to arbitrate between us,

to lay his hand upon us both,

 

34 someone to remove God's rod from me,

so that his terror would frighten me no more.

 

35 Then I would speak up without fear of him,

but as it now stands with me, I cannot.

 

I'm confiding in my pastor and seeking for guidance the way I should have all along. If he tells me to tell my W, I will, thank you all for your concerns and advice.

 

I have not done anything more than still keep contact with the OW but each time I feel the EA coming closer and closer to a PA. My other friend has been trying to help by encouraging me to stop all contact as well. She has given me spiritual advice too and threatened to spill the beans to my wife or our pastor if I don't start realize what I've been continuing to do.

 

She has been a true friend and I'm glad I told her about this despite everyone's warnings.

 

Anyway, I do appreciate everyone's input, I will let you know what happens after speaking to the minister.

 

Trainwreck

[whichwayisup]

Good for you to talk to your Pastor...I'm sure he'll help you.

 

But...

 

I have not done anything more than still keep contact with the OW but each time I feel the EA coming closer and closer to a PA. My other friend has been trying to help by encouraging me to stop all contact as well. She has given me spiritual advice too and threatened to spill the beans to my wife or our pastor if I don't start realize what I've been continuing to do.

 

She has been a true friend and I'm glad I told her about this despite everyone's warnings.

 

You have to do NO contact with the OW. And stop leaning on the OOW who is befriending you. She's given you spiritual advice, AND threatened to tell YOUR WIFE about what you did? WTF is that? I'm sorry, but she's playing you for a fool.

 

Just talk to your Pastor and try to maybe open up to a male friend. Stay away from the women, it seems you're not capable of having a friendship that won't cross the line. Sorry to be blunt and harsh.

[sugar-rae]

Good for you to talk to your Pastor...I'm sure he'll help you.

 

But...

 

 

 

You have to do NO contact with the OW. And stop leaning on the OOW who is befriending you. She's given you spiritual advice, AND threatened to tell YOUR WIFE about what you did? WTF is that? I'm sorry, but she's playing you for a fool.

 

Just talk to your Pastor and try to maybe open up to a male friend. Stay away from the women, it seems you're not capable of having a friendship that won't cross the line. Sorry to be blunt and harsh.

 

I have to agree. This whole getting advice from ex-lovers (?) and stuff is still crossing the line. This OOW is playing you. I'd stop the talks with her altogether and stick with getting the pastor's advice.

 

When my H confessed and we decided to work it out, we went to my family's pastor and he stated emphatically to cease ALL contact with the OW.

No, you shouldn't even talk to women at all like Whichwayisup has stated. VERY SOUND ADVICE THERE!

[sanso]

Alot of these forums do not want opinions relating to a "christian" type of advice. I have found this out since posting on messageboards like this.

 

I do agree with you Sanso that this man should fall back on his Christianity for strength and guidance.

 

I understand that need to be cautious of what you say and who you say it too. I deemed it appropriate in this case because of the background trainwreck gave in earlier posts.

 

What I'm wondering is, does this prospective OW know that he is "religious"? If so, what does that say about HER as a person?

 

He said he works with the OW at their church and even said he would have be around her one evening because of a "church thing."

[sugar-rae]

He said he works with the OW at their church and even said he would have be around her one evening because of a "church thing."

 

That is so scary to me! How could they walk into church and have those kinds of thoughts?

 

I just feel this overwhelming sympathy/empathy for this man's wife. Bless her heart!

[crazy_grl]

I have to agree. This whole getting advice from ex-lovers (?) and stuff is still crossing the line. This OOW is playing you. I'd stop the talks with her altogether and stick with getting the pastor's advice.

 

I don't think this woman is an ex-lover, just someone who's had a similar experience as his. I don't know that she's playing him. She may very well be genuinely trying to help him. She did after all, direct him to speak to a trusted male for guidance. She could have invited him over to speak to her alone at her house. So she did give him some decent advice and was helpful. Even the threats to go to his wife or the pastor if he doesn't stop his behavior are in his best interest.

 

HOWEVER if he continues to speak to her about this, he still takes the risk that the two of them will form a bond and he'll start a second EA.

 

Trainwreck, now that you've sought her advice, take it. Talk to your pastor and sort this out. But you must not continue to rely on this woman for advice. If she calls you again, thank her for her advice, give her a very, very brief update if you'd like, and then let her know you've got things under control. ("I took your advice and spoke to the pastor. It's really helped, and I'm getting the situation under control. Thank you." is enough.) Even if you're still a little confused, don't unload your concerns on her. Take them to your pastor or another male friend. Do not start to rely on this woman.