Should I tell the wife about the EA

[whichwayisup]

She's playing him and using "god" or religion against him by saying she'll tell the Pastor and/or his wife. She is playing with fire and messing with his life...All so SHE can befriend him. Plain and simple.

[crazy_grl]

She's playing him and using "god" or religion against him by saying she'll tell the Pastor and/or his wife. She is playing with fire and messing with his life...All so SHE can befriend him. Plain and simple.

 

There's no way for you to know that. From what I can see, he's only calling her an OW because she's another woman he wants to talk to. Unless he's left out a major detail, two of them have had no intimate relationship. The only thing to indicate any differently is that she's said she's more comfortable talking to him than his wife, but not knowing much about any of them, we can't automatically assume she's interested in him because of it that one thing. Maybe she does, but we don't know enough to come to that conclusion.

 

In any case, whether she wants him for her own isn't important. The only important thing is that it's not a wise decision to continue confiding in her no matter what her intentions are.

[whichwayisup]

There's no way for you to know that. From what I can see, he's only calling her an OW because she's another woman he wants to talk to. Unless he's left out a major detail, two of them have had no intimate relationship. The only thing to indicate any differently is that she's said she's more comfortable talking to him than his wife, but not knowing much about any of them, we can't automatically assume she's interested in him because of it that one thing. Maybe she does, but we don't know enough to come to that conclusion.

 

In any case, whether she wants him for her own isn't important. The only important thing is that it's not a wise decision to continue confiding in her no matter what her intentions are.

 

His quote:

 

Absolutely right on Trimmer and everyone. I've being a spineless villain and using many an excuse to continue behavior that is both damaging and the opposite of scrupulous or of moving forward. I'm still being wishy-washy and now adding an added an element of danger by wanting to confide in another woman that could also possibly muddy the issue more if I don't watch it.

 

So, yes, there are TWO OW. One he is serious with, the other is trying to get his attention.

[crazy_grl]

This:

 

Absolutely right on Trimmer and everyone. I've being a spineless villain and using many an excuse to continue behavior that is both damaging and the opposite of scrupulous or of moving forward. I'm still being wishy-washy and now adding an added an element of danger by wanting to confide in another woman that could also possibly muddy the issue more if I don't watch it.

 

Doesn't support this:

 

So, yes, there are TWO OW. One he is serious with, the other is trying to get his attention.

 

He never said that she's trying to get his attention. We've been telling him that it's a bad idea to talk to another woman because he could get himself in trouble if he's not careful. All I see is that he's acknowledging that and that it's wrong of him to continue talking with the original OW.

 

Maybe you're right that this woman is interested in him and he knows it, but he's never come out and said that. Even if he believes that, it could be all projection on his part.

 

I know very well that you could be right about this woman, but there's not enough for anyone to claim to know for certain what her motives are. And I'm not claiming that her motivations are completely pure, just that there is a possibility.

 

Either way, he doesn't need to concern himself with her motives, because it's not in his best interest to rely on or seek her advice her any longer. Even if she is setting up a plot to ensnare him, she gave him some good advice about talking to his pastor. So why not just assume that she had his best interests in mind while they both go about their own business.

[trainwreck]

crazygirl thank you for not assuming anything with the OOW.

 

I did say she threatened to tell my wife and pastor, but I didn't mean she was putting an ultimatum on me. She has paid for her past sins and really is just trying to be a good friend. I just didn't know who I could talk to that really had an understanding of what I was going through.

 

In fact, she has been reading these posts (being quite amused by some of the accusations actually). I do not believe there is anything but a feeling of concern from her.

 

I do understand what everyone is trying to say though and that turning to another person of the opposite sex could ultimately lead to a bigger or the same problem especially since I seem to not really be able to control my inner-feelings right now.

 

The OOW is trying so hard to make her own marriage work right now, if I even thought this would ruin that, I think I'd just pack the family and move away(remember she's reading these threads but has told me she doesn't feel the need to post since she has been advising me based on our mutual religious beliefs which she can see is not the same as others here).

 

I'm definitely in the wrong with the first OW, but I cannot and will not even open the chance for the OOW. I know I started being concerned, but I just don't see it ever coming to that. I do have female friends that I've known even before my wife and I met. All are still friends and it's just this one instance that I have ever experienced an EA and that is why I have been so confused.

 

I appreciate the advice and will continue to update about my talk with the pastor and everything else whenever I can. Today was a difficult day and I'm glad I survived it without lying or betraying my family any further.

 

T.

[sugar-rae]

 

In any case, whether she wants him for her own isn't important. The only important thing is that it's not a wise decision to continue confiding in her no matter what her intentions are.

 

I strongly agree! Well said!

[sugar-rae]

 

(remember she's reading these threads but has told me she doesn't feel the need to post since she has been advising me based on our mutual religious beliefs which she can see is not the same as others here).

 

 

Personally I would love to know WHAT your religious beliefs are that you would cavort (talk or otherwise)with another woman after having one A. It does state in the Good Book, to stay away from "temptations" such as what you are facing.

My goodness, you and your Wife go to the pastor together and drop the OW AND the OOW.

Your wife (family) and God are your 1st priorities.Not Other Women. God should be telling you that Himself.

[whichwayisup]

I did say she threatened to tell my wife and pastor, but I didn't mean she was putting an ultimatum on me.

 

OK, I misunderstood you then. To me, it's almost the same thing...To threaten somebody is not a good thing either way, whether or not she would actually follow through, it's still not cool.

 

Just remember your focus and who it should be on. I know this isn't an easy time for you and I'm sure you're grieving too, but you're doing the right thing by ending it.

[sugar-rae]

Just remember your focus and who it should be on. I know this isn't an easy time for you and I'm sure you're grieving too, but you're doing the right thing by ending it.

 

Yes, I agree again. That is wht's most important, everything else aside.

[whichwayisup]

I have to agree. This whole getting advice from ex-lovers (?) and stuff is still crossing the line. This OOW is playing you. I'd stop the talks with her altogether and stick with getting the pastor's advice.

 

When my H confessed and we decided to work it out, we went to my family's pastor and he stated emphatically to cease ALL contact with the OW.

No, you shouldn't even talk to women at all like Whichwayisup has stated. VERY SOUND ADVICE THERE!

 

I think he can talk to women, as friends when his wife is included, but it just seems he can't handle the one on one friendship...Atleast right now. He's in a place where he can transfer feelings from one to another when that energy should be focussed into his wife and family.

 

T, I don't want you to think I'm beating up on you, it's not that, I just see this situation more objectively than you can, right now anyway.

 

crazygirl thank you for not assuming anything with the OOW.

If you can 'honestly' say that this OOW means nothing to you, and that means that if you were told by your wife to stop talking to this woman, could you? Would you feel obligated to her and her feelings and still pursue a friendship despite your wife's feelings about this woman? If you can honestly answer me and tell me that you'd walk away and not worry about the OOW, then I'll shut up here.

[trainwreck]

If you can 'honestly' say that this OOW means nothing to you, and that means that if you were told by your wife to stop talking to this woman, could you? Would you feel obligated to her and her feelings and still pursue a friendship despite your wife's feelings about this woman? If you can honestly answer me and tell me that you'd walk away and not worry about the OOW, then I'll shut up here.

 

I can and would easily stop contact with the OOW if the W said to. She knows her as well and the OOW actually told me when I confided in her how she talked to my wife to ask if she could talk to me about her marital problems (wife told me about her calling but didn't say that the OOW was asking about talking to me). Anyway, I'm not going there and not worrying about it either.

 

Like I've said, this was the first time I've ever gotten into such a situation and the whole thing is not going to repeat itself. If I knew that my W wouldn't just fall apart, I would tell her today. Anyway, I haven't gotten to talking to the minister yet because I'm in the middle of my friend's wedding planning for this Saturday.

 

Yes, the OW will be there, but so will her ex-bf. My family will all be there too. Of course, I'll be a total wreck as I give the bestman speech about marriage, but at least we don't drink at our wedding festivals so no chance of a slip because of alcohol (small consolation)...

[megabit15]

Hey Trainwreck,

I know you are confused and fighting inner urges that are hard. We humans are a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses. Shaming yourself for having those urges will not help. Whether one is religious or not, we all get urges, thoughts and feelings that go against our principles all the time. It's what we do with them that makes our character. I see that you are trying very hard to maintain your character and principles. It is very admirable.

 

One thing that I see throughout your posts is that it seems like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be very perfect and good - always admirable and honorable. Always striving to be helpful to others, spiritual example, best husband and father, outstanding community member, leading groups on perfect marriages, considerate to your wife by trying not to impose on her because of her stress with new job, even trying to help the 'OW', etc.

 

But yet it seems that you are getting drawn to women (and forums) where you can be relieved of the burden of having to be so good and perfect - where you are allowed to 'need' and have some self concern too. Who do you share your daily ups and downs with in your life? Do you let others 'in' or do you feel it is your responsibility to present only strength and goodness? Are you hiding or ignoring your fears, doubts, concerns, stresses and other human 'weaknesses'? Who listens to you, tends to your needs, or really 'sees' you? Who doesn't want something from you or ask you to fulfill yet another responsibility for them? These questions are referring to day in, day out life, before the EA. While your wife was pregnant, giving birth, getting new job, etc - did you do the 'right' thing (yet again) to be so supportive that you checked your own needs at the door in the process of being there for her while continuing to present the perfect husband/father, community member, etc. and then forgot to check back in? Or was that long before?

 

I could be way off base here. Please feel free to tell me if I am out of line. But I just get this feeling that you are experiencing a lot of strain from having to live up to a perfect ideal of moral, spiritual and physical strength to yourself and to others while ignoring the more 'human' side of you. You sound exhausted.

 

Were you able to talk with your minister?