IsItRight Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Hi everyone. I have a few questions below. Please see these events as unrelated and spanning over a 6 years period. I can give more context afterwards, but for the moment I would like to understand if these things look at first perfectly legit or not. Many thanks If a guy says to your girlfriend he finds her attractive and then add her on Facebook, is there any issue in her accepting his friend request? If she doesnÂ’t care about him is it disrespectful to her boyfriend or not? If your girlfriend had lied about having any sex with anyone during break up, and sworn to have deleted anyone on social media she might have been flirty during break up yet didnÂ’t unfriend the guy she had sex with, is it an issue? If a guy you have had sex with while you were broken up likes a picture of you and your boyfriend back together what does that mean? Am I wrong for being hurt that after 4 years of relationship and being her first one, she, who condemned girls having casual sex, had casual sex during break up, lied about it, and kept him on social media when back together and never thought of unfriending him despite him liking pictures of her and I? As a girl, if you go out In a club, in a trusting relationship, can you give your number to a guy because you thought he was very friendly? If you are in a club without your boyfriend, is it normal to speak to a guy for enough time to find him very friendly and give him your number without any afterthought as you have mentioned to him you have a boyfriend? If you are inviting a few people at your place for an after party, then everyone leaves except a guy who decides he would rather sleep here while he could clearly go home like the others did, is it acceptable for a girl to see no problem? Granted there is only one room. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 The girlfriend wants a lot of attention and isn't going to discourage it. The question is, is the boyfriend ok with that? It's highly unlikely to change. So he either has to learn to deal with it or free himself to find a girlfriend who doesn't require affirmation from a lot of men. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 What , they have a micro cheating now ,,,or did you just make that up ? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 The girlfriend wants a lot of attention and isn't going to discourage it. The question is, is the boyfriend ok with that? It's highly unlikely to change. So he either has to learn to deal with it or free himself to find a girlfriend who doesn't require affirmation from a lot of men. Ha ha, such a female answer... learn to deal with it posited as a legitimate choice. I think not. You wouldn't tolerate it would you? OP, you need to preserve your dignity and self-respect. She's using you like a doormat... wiping the dirt from her feet on you. Dump. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Why did you break up? Who initiated the break up? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) Cheating is black & white to me. Somebody who promised to be faithful & exclusive, had sex with somebody else. Anything else may be disrespectful; it may crack the foundations of a relationship but it's not cheating. If a guy says to your girlfriend he finds her attractive and then add her on Facebook, is there any issue in her accepting his friend request? If she doesnÂ’t care about him is it disrespectful to her boyfriend or not? I came of age decades before the age of social media. I don't understand giving a stranger that level of access to your life. That said, if a woman knows a man is flirting with her & that he's interested in dating him, anything she does to maintain contact with him & give him encouragement or hope is damaging to her existing romantic relationship. If she doesn't care about him it's wrong for her to give him false hope & lead him on. It also erodes her BF's trust in her. All in all it's a negative but it's not cheating. If your girlfriend had lied about having any sex with anyone during break up, and sworn to have deleted anyone on social media she might have been flirty during break up yet didnÂ’t unfriend the guy she had sex with, is it an issue? Lying is bad. But so is the endless break up make up cycle. If you are on the merry go round, you are better off not knowing what your SO did during that time apart. Once you have sex with somebody if the nature of the relationship changes, you & that person need to be disconnected on social media. In the immediate aftermath of a break up you can't be "just friends". Trying is always torturous to the one who wants more. In your Q, there is a big difference between deleting somebody after sex vs deleting somebody where there may have been some flirting. Flirting is harmless. Plus if that is all there was -- truthfully -- put on your big boy pants & get over it. Human's flirt. Yes, there are degrees. Do also read my answer above but seriously if during a break up your SO sought a self esteem boost by flirting with another guy to heal the heartbreak you caused, the other flirter's presence on her social media is not the end of the world. If a guy you have had sex with while you were broken up likes a picture of you and your boyfriend back together what does that mean? Anybody you previously had sex with needs to be off your social media in the immediate aftermath of the sex stopping. Here I suspect that because the guy liked the couple's picture, it may have been the OM's way of expressing support & respect for the relationship. It's certainly not a bad thing in a vacuum. Am I wrong for being hurt that after 4 years of relationship and being her first one, she, who condemned girls having casual sex, had casual sex during break up, lied about it, and kept him on social media when back together and never thought of unfriending him despite him liking pictures of her and I? You are not wrong for being upset that she lied to you. You are wrong about all the rest of it. You were to proud of the fact that you "got there 1st" and she was a virgin. Now you unfairly think differently about her because you are no longer her only lover. You are applying a whore/Madonna standard to her & being judgmental about her increased level of sexual experience. I suspect you fear that in comparison you come up on the short end of the stick & it's making you crazy. As a girl, if you go out In a club, in a trusting relationship, can you give your number to a guy because you thought he was very friendly? It's not a good idea. But the woman remains free to talk to or give her # to anybody. The consequence of that action may be the end of the relationship. Combined all this behavior on her part tells me that she's outgrown this relationship but because after 4 years, you are all she knows she doesn't have the maturity to pull the trigger & end it. So's she behaving badly & expecting you to do the dirty work of breaking up with her so she can cry & play martyr / dumpee. If you are in a club without your boyfriend, is it normal to speak to a guy for enough time to find him very friendly and give him your number without any afterthought as you have mentioned to him you have a boyfriend? In a club it's pretty normal to talk to members of the opposite sex & flirt with them. A woman with integrity would mention the BF so as not to give the other guy false hope. If you are inviting a few people at your place for an after party, then everyone leaves except a guy who decides he would rather sleep here while he could clearly go home like the others did, is it acceptable for a girl to see no problem? Granted there is only one room. I'm all about safety. I'd rather a drunk of any gender stay then put themselves in danger. If she slept in her room & he slept on the couch, no problem. If she slept on her bed in her dorm room & he slept in the roommate's bed alone or on the floor still OK. If they shared a bed, it's a problem. When in a committed exclusive relationship all night cuddling with others is prohibited. All in all I think your relationship has run it's course. After 4 years this woman is running for daylight & you are holding her back. Because she's too weak to process that & address it, she's doing all sorts of things to destroy the relationship. She is also setting herself up to monkey branch. She just hasn't fully released you yet because she hasn't found the branch where she wants to land yet. Edited January 13, 2019 by d0nnivain 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) Hi everyone. I have a few questions below. Please see these events as unrelated and spanning over a 6 years period. I can give more context afterwards, but for the moment I would like to understand if these things look at first perfectly legit or not. Many thanks<snip> You're getting played....its plain and simple.. TFY Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Anytime you have this many "micro" concerns, it adds up to a major issue. Her lack of boundaries and your insecurities are not a good match. As has already been said, time to move on... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Ha ha, such a female answer... learn to deal with it posited as a legitimate choice. I think not. You wouldn't tolerate it would you? That was exactly my point. Good grief. Nice dig at women though, points for missing the point AND being offensive. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Because the spectrum of what's acceptable and not varies between people, I find it best to say it only matters what you and your partner can agree to when it comes to boundaries and expectations. It sounds like you both don't agree on some things that really bother you. It usually doesn't flow or end well with these differences in mindset, so finding a solution that satisfies both partners is necessary for the health of the relationship. Your history spans a long while, and she seems to be changing her mind on some things. She did the casual sex thing, and maybe she's OK with that now. She's not the same person you first met. It might be that these changes are steering the relationship towards a divergent path. What someone does after a breakup (or during a "break") is their business. The only concerns being STI that you maybe exposed to. It does suck that she lied. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) Great answer here SOG....Are we today at a point that we want society or even a group here to make those decisions for you? Hopefully by asking these questions, you do realize that what you're looking for is either validation that it's not okay or feel unsure of your value system in what you're looking for in a GF. I agree that she appears to be changing and in my mind, there's nothing wrong with that and that if you're trying to hold her to values she had 4 years ago, that isn't fair to her. She has, as does everyone, the right to change their mind. However, lying about it is not cool and should be addressed. Edited January 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of immediately preceding post Link to post Share on other sites
David33 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I don't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday much less who f'd who 6 years ago. Move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 OP, was it a break or a break up and how long did it last? A break is not the same as a break up. A break can have many definitions but it is most always with the idea that the relationship isn't over and there exists the intention that a couple will get back together at some point. A break up on the other hand has the intention of being permanent. You have every right to feel the way you do. I believe that you would probably be better off with someone you can have shared values with. Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 Ha ha, such a female answer... learn to deal with it posited as a legitimate choice. I think not. You wouldn't tolerate it would you? OP, you need to preserve your dignity and self-respect. She's using you like a doormat... wiping the dirt from her feet on you. Dump. I particularly enjoyed "I gave him my number because he was really friendly!!1" I can't decide whether she has actually rationalised that to herself in order to avoid guilt or whether she just thinks a guy is going to be gullible enough to believe and accept it....probably a bit of both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 All those things are poor boundaries. It's up to the BF to decide whether that are acceptable or not....most would say not. Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 All those things are poor boundaries. It's up to the BF to decide whether that are acceptable or not....most would say not. Agreed! Who gives their number to a guy because they are friendly? I have never heard of that! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Micro cheating lays the foundation for macro cheating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DonaldDuckster Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Hi everyone. I have a few questions below. Please see these events as unrelated and spanning over a 6 years period. I can give more context afterwards, but for the moment I would like to understand if these things look at first perfectly legit or not. Many thanks If a guy says to your girlfriend he finds her attractive and then add her on Facebook, is there any issue in her accepting his friend request? If she doesnÂ’t care about him is it disrespectful to her boyfriend or not? If your girlfriend had lied about having any sex with anyone during break up, and sworn to have deleted anyone on social media she might have been flirty during break up yet didnÂ’t unfriend the guy she had sex with, is it an issue? If a guy you have had sex with while you were broken up likes a picture of you and your boyfriend back together what does that mean? Am I wrong for being hurt that after 4 years of relationship and being her first one, she, who condemned girls having casual sex, had casual sex during break up, lied about it, and kept him on social media when back together and never thought of unfriending him despite him liking pictures of her and I? As a girl, if you go out In a club, in a trusting relationship, can you give your number to a guy because you thought he was very friendly? If you are in a club without your boyfriend, is it normal to speak to a guy for enough time to find him very friendly and give him your number without any afterthought as you have mentioned to him you have a boyfriend? If you are inviting a few people at your place for an after party, then everyone leaves except a guy who decides he would rather sleep here while he could clearly go home like the others did, is it acceptable for a girl to see no problem? Granted there is only one room. She has no respect for you or your relationship. Time to dump her and find a new GF. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 I think you're being a little optimistic here, thinking that she's only "micro-cheating". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 (edited) To be fair, being in the club scene, there are reasons to give your number to someone that don't involve dating or sex, such as buying and selling art, jewelry, to hire someone for their services (photography, modeling, etc), to work as a performance artist, to stay in touch to find out about future parties, whatever the list goes on. Admittedly that does not appear to be the case in this situation but these are all things to keep in mind, and there's a very real possibility that she is just saying "he was friendly" because she recognizes your insecurity and feels like you would feel threatened by the guy if you knew he had a legitimate contribution to the club scene, which I'm guessing you don't. With all of that being said, I agree with most everyone here that says she doesn't have much respect for you. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't have much respect for you either over all of the stipulations you've placed on the relationship. It's kind of sh*tty that she is stringing you along but it's also kind of sh*tty that you are being so incredibly controlling. It stinks of fear and insecurity. Gather your manhood and move on. And maybe focus on your personal life a little bit instead of on women. You could use some self reflection. Edited March 6, 2019 by crispytoast Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 All those things are poor boundaries. It's up to the BF to decide whether that are acceptable or not....most would say not. Only a doormat would say yes. Time to dump her. If she initiated the break that is a bad sign that she wanted to bang this OM. Standard outcome when a woman tells a man that she needs a break. This way she can claim she did not cheat. They will tell their BF this when they are sure that the OM is interested in them and they will be able to bed him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 I think you're being a little optimistic here, thinking that she's only "micro-cheating". Must be in relation to the size of the OM's equipment or something. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
yololin Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 Sounds complicated. There seems to be a lot of boundaries crossed that make you both uncomfortable. You need to let her know calmly that all these issues are putting you on edge about her. It takes 2. I hope you can both sort it out together. If not, then I think it is time to think about moving on. Life is too short to waste on this kind of drama. Plenty of better fish in the sea. Link to post Share on other sites
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