Fair Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 It might be a bit juvenile, but I sometimes find myself feeling as deliriously unhappy on the weekends at over 40 as I did when I was a teenager. The reason is I keep thinking I'm the lone one sitting at home while every other single adult my age is out having a life. I mean, chances are it isn't true at this age. They're probably sitting at home watching t.v like I am and having just as difficult a time finding anyone to date. Reading and complaining about their health or something, especially the older ones closer to 50. I mean, life changes.... I don't know why I assume everyone's social life is so much grander than mine, especially around here, back in the sticks. What is there to even do? How do the rest of you over 40 and single crowd spend your weekends? Maybe I really am the only one sitting at home with a remote control and a cat. Or maybe facebook and the fictitious lives of others have managed to fool me and everyone else my age is actually in the same boat I am, especially if they have no families. Alone and lonely on the weekends for the most part, with maybe only the occasional outing on the agenda. I think I've lived my whole life with the suspicion I'm being left behind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
planb1973 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 You are not alone! Currently I am taking a sabbatical from dating, I'm in my mid 40's. Though I get out and socialize I do notice that my phone goes weirdly silent on the weekends. My married with kids friends are busy doing family stuff and my single friends I don't think do much of anything. I do though have a teenager 50% of the time, but he just ignores me. I mainly force myself to get out, go skiing, or create projects around the house. Otherwise I would just end up reading and taking multiple naps. Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Same boat and completely unhappy. Always have had a full life and out doing things, alone or with friends. I now avoid my friends as they are all pretty much coupled or married. Was never bothered doing anything alone, now pretty much tired of it... Friends ask to do things and I don't bother anymore. Try to meet people, very painful. When I do go do things with friends or go to their house for something, it is pretty much me as the only single person and never any women who are eligible. None of them know anyone single or anyone good, except for one of my friends sisters who does like me as we get a long great and used to hang out and do things but I do not meet her criteria in the age category, she likes me and admits it but she has her criteria and I do not meet all of it. So I do not have anything to do with her anymore Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) I'm finding this a very strange, and uncomfortable time of life. Weekends you find yourself barred out of everything... phoning a friend who has a family would be out of line because … they have a family and that's their time together. It's bad enough anytime, but weekends feel the worst. Like there's no place for you in the world at all, then. Yet other singles in this town.... on weekends their houses are dark and silent regardless of whether they're my age or older, or regardless of whether or not they have children, I mean... if they do have children they're grown up and moved away at our age. I wonder what everyone else knows that I don't. How they can keep a life going and what they do with themselves when they're lonely. It's not easy to figure out. Yet from my vantage point it seems like everyone HAS figured it out except for me. Edited January 13, 2019 by Fair Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I think my sisters in law have it figured out. Always single and super busy, (I don't think they have time for boyfriends) they have cultivated a large group of local friends. When they are at the shops, they always run into someone they know and have a chat. They will attend the opening of an envelope. They hang out at the local pub for live bands and trivia and have a large group of friends there. In short, they are bubbly and vivacious and talk with everyone. All that said, I'd really dislike to have their life as I need my downtime. It's all about balance I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 When I was 40 and single I was very happy.. I can tell you I attributed this to having a life outside of work that made me feel full filled.. I had tons of hobbies and would spend tons of time in a cabin in the mountains, it all made me happy and I did those things and arranged my life that way because it was stuff that made me happy... I think you need to stop thinking that only a plus scenario is what would make you happy and try to fill your life for yourself and your friends.. Hobbies too... The plus one will come along after you are happy and balanced inside. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 I'm finding this a very strange, and uncomfortable time of life. Weekends you find yourself barred out of everything... phoning a friend who has a family would be out of line because … they have a family and that's their time together. I'm nowhere near my 40s, but I'll try and re-frame this. A friend who has a family doesn't just have a family... they have friends too, one of which is you. If someone you know was feeling like this, how would you know about it? Would you just... know, or would you only know if they told you? Similarly, don't you think your friends (if they are your friends) would want to do something about it if they were able to? Sure, if you call them up they may have something planned for that weekend, but they could fit you in another weekend, or come around during the week. Someone will make time, you just need to take the first step and reach out. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 I am 40, married but no kids. Both my husband and I often spend weekend time with our single friends! At this stage, you are right, many that are married with kids are busy. I have found we have drifted away from our friends with kids, because our interests, free time etc do not really line up any more. We will often spend a night out on the city, or drive to the coast etc with a friend or a few. Also, we are both very active in our hobbies- mine being horse back riding, I would say the majority of the ladies I ride with are child free, many also single. The ladies and I will go to competitions together with our horses, or grab dinner and drinks together after a day riding etc. My husbands thing is mountain biking - again he spends a lot of time out with his single friends doing that (and football games, outings to breweries etc). So I don’t know that my single friends are just watching tv each weekend, but we also live downtown in a major city - going out at night and bumping into people is common place. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) At that age, they're doing nothing but running their kids all over town like a chauffeur. They're not out having a big time. Their kids are. They're furtively going to the grocery store and picking up cleaning and getting their oil changed. That said, take your butt and go do something, even if it's alone. Go to the zoo, go to a movie, go shoot pool, find yourself a laid back neighborhood restaurant where you feel comfortable going and having a meal or a drink. Or save up and go to the spa for some pampering. I go to the casino and the casino pool and the buffet. I go out to eat by myself a lot and get to know everyone who works there. So become a regular somewhere and get on their mailing list and go to their special events. Like last week, my favorite burger place had a day a percent of all proceeds went to law enforcement. So that was nice. Giving without sacrificing. I thanked the manager for having such things (this is the second one I've been to there) and he stayed and talked to me a long time about the issues. Then all his employees came by wondering what Frank was talking to me about for so long. I was not lonely or alone. I had fun. I've done this type thing since I was about 12 or 13, and that was in an era when women didn't eat out alone much, much less a kid. I'd ride my dirt bike over to the cafe on the small lake nearby and have a chocolate sundae. Couple years later, I'd drive my dad's boat and go have breakfast on the big lake that was our vacation spot, dock it, and go in and eat. So I got used to it a long time ago. In my 30s, I learned that the nicer the restaurant, the nicer they were to single diners, and I learned that while in New Orleans. They doted on me, I swear. So I learned to try to go to nicer places if and when I ever could. So if you haven't learned to do things on your own, learn it now. It will really fix your problem. Yes, I wish I had more time with my best friend, but that's impossible right now and not easy ever, but at least I don't just do nothing. I think tomorrow I'm going to go see Bohemian Rhapsody. She wants to go but has been too busy and it's going to be out of the theaters soon. If she pops up wanting to go, guess I'll go a second time! Edited January 17, 2019 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chris2016 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) I'm finding this a very strange, and uncomfortable time of life. Weekends you find yourself barred out of everything... phoning a friend who has a family would be out of line because … they have a family and that's their time together. <snip> I wonder what everyone else knows that I don't. How they can keep a life going and what they do with themselves when they're lonely. It's not easy to figure out. Yet from my vantage point it seems like everyone HAS figured it out except for me. So where do folks in this category meet up? I'm in this group also. I don't reach out to my long time buddies with family, but I think that's just me. I'm not really a reach out kind of person. But, they've always been welcoming, when I do reach out. Sometimes I feel like I'm stunted ... age 25-35 we're supposed to find someone, marry, have kids. Well, that never happened for me. Then I think, I have my own life to live, and I can't compare it to others. Edited January 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 I don't know about your age group, but I will say that the older age group, say 55 and up, who were coming of age before computers, if they were music people, they are still going out and seeing bands. Link to post Share on other sites
Chris2016 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) How do you not feel like you're just going through the motions? I work. Do after work stuff (gym, study, etc) Repeat the work days. Then weekend. Repeat week. (I guess work itself is not so bad) When I go and do things alone, it can be cool, but it also can feel lonely, and I wish I had someone to do the things with. Here too, I sometime feel like I'm just going through the motions. I sometime reward myself on the last day of the work week. I try a new eatery, check out a new place, etc. It's nice to do those things, but at times it can feel like I'm just going through the motions ... I have nothing else to do on a Friday after work, so I go do these things and try to have some fun, but then it feels like I'm just going around doing these things, just to do them; cause I have nothing else to do. Edited January 17, 2019 by Chris2016 Link to post Share on other sites
Chris2016 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 I don't know about your age group, but I will say that the older age group, say 55 and up, who were coming of age before computers, if they were music people, they are still going out and seeing bands. When I was doing meetup, I was about age 38-40, I went to the 35'ish group, and it was fun, but sometime it felt like I was the old guy in the group. I think I may try meetup again, and this time (now that I'm 42) go to the 40 and over group. Seemed like folks were late 40's though, so I never went to this group's activities when I did meetup. Actually, I should try to find the 40 and over "singles" group, not necessarily a group looking to date, but who don't have family and kids of their own. Not sure if they exist, but seems like folks would be on the same wavelength. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) At that age, they're doing nothing but running their kids all over town like a chauffeur. They're not out having a big time. Ain’t that the truth! I have a friend who dated a guy in med school. All she wanted was to marry a doctor, have his kids, and be a stay at home mom. Now... she complains constantly because her husband is always working, she spends her life driving her kids to their multiple activities, and she is lonely and depressed because the other moms in her social circle are either working or busy running their own kids. I have heard her say “my life wasn’t supposed to be like this...” and she now thinks that I have a glorious life... Moral of the story... don’t assume that the grass is greener - because it’s not necessarily true. Edited January 17, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) How do you not feel like you're just going through the motions? I work. Do after work stuff (gym, study, etc) Repeat the work days. Then weekend. Repeat week. (<snip> Your post really resonated with me. It reminded me of my initial years post-divorce. The best thing I did for myself was travel whenever I could. It's a great way to shake things up and is also a great thing to look forward to. It sometimes felt a little lonely traveling alone, but the newness and adventure more than made up for it. Edited January 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 If I'm honest I feel it's my fault that my weekends are not filled up or much fun. I get lazy and don't like booking a lot of stuff. When I have a full time job, I use them to relax. I feel like weekends are more relationship and family oriented... so slowly I stopped meeting my married friends plus their kids as it made me feel like something was missing from my own life. So I usually only meet single girl friends, or have dates. And it probably turns into a negative experience as me and GFs kinda commiserate about being single. I don't have many guy friends in this country as eventually they all try to initiate something romantic or sexual with me. I do have guy friends in my countries of origin. I look at my married sister and how her weekends are filled. And it's not necessarily about being married. She's just a better planner than I am, she doesn't like staying home much, and she books stuff with friends, with her husband or kids. She's always been like that, she likes having stuff to do 24/7. I am not sure what would be the ideal situation for me on weekends as I am not a 24/7 activity person and don't plan to be. I do fantasize about being coupled again, as I do have more fun and more planned activities when coupled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 To Fair: Have you thought about maybe painting an accent wall in your home?? Refinish or paint any furniture?? Little projects to boost your spirits and give you a sense of accomplishment... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 I like to enjoy alone time on weekends and that's how I got dumped. Haha. People want to fill their weekends with activities. I do too but my idea of activity is being home alone so I can focus on studies and creative projects. Work aready takes up my time, so weekends are for myself. When I'm dating someone, if I'm not available on a weekend the guy thinks I must be seeing someone else. So I'm still searching for the man who understands why I can't go out every weekend, why I need time alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) It might be a bit juvenile, but I sometimes find myself feeling as deliriously unhappy on the weekends at over 40 as I did when I was a teenager. <snip> I think I've lived my whole life with the suspicion I'm being left behind. Who’s fault is this? Edited January 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 It is not juvenile. I am older than you and do the same. TV, a cat, a book. Boring and hate TV. Yeah, some are out having a good time and some are at home like you. Hey, you are saving money not going out or stressing about your dates.Compromising with your date and going somewhere you don't want to. AFter say 40 or 45 I discovered a different social landscape entirely. One populated by divorced singles with kids. The longer you wait...the harder not easier it may be for you. Carpe diem. Link to post Share on other sites
goth-gal Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 I feel I am probably wasting my life away as I mostly like to stay home... and most people seem to have very eventful weekends. But the truth is I DO like relaxing and having only minimal things set up out of the house. The question is, do you feel down because you think you should be doing something, or because you really wanted a more full life on weekends? Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 I don't know about your age group, but I will say that the older age group, say 55 and up, who were coming of age before computers, if they were music people, they are still going out and seeing bands. That would be me... I love live music. I go to concerts and music festivals. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 you are not being left behind Fair! don't let social media fool you. maybe you need to become a city mouse and leave the sticks behind. Link to post Share on other sites
Highroller107 Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 My weekends consist of watching tv or browsing the stores. How sad. At my age. 3 years shy of 40 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 Tbh, most of the single people I know have a much better time on weekends than the couples with kids... (Of course, it's possible to be a couple and never have kids, but the majority of couples do) Link to post Share on other sites
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