Should my autistic brother date women who are also autistic or no?

[ironpony]

He feels very lonely and insecure as to why women keep rejecting him because of his condition most likely. He is 29, but he seems to have the IQ of someone around 9 or 10 maybe, but at the same time, is advanced in the sense that he is very romantically lonely and desires a romantic relationship.

 

So I wonder if maybe he should be looking for someone of a similar IQ, but I am told by some others that that's a terrible idea, and it would be an incompetent relationship as a result... and therefore he should date a women with a higher IQ that could take care of a lot of potential problems that would arise.

 

But after years of trying, he hasn't been able to find one woman of a normal IQ that is interested in him. What do you think?

[smackie9]

I think it's OK. You see people with down syndrome dating/marrying others who have down syndrome. They would most definitively relate to each other. The only disastrous thing to worry about is them choosing not to use birth control.

[Martisha]

I also agree that this is normal. The main thing that they can take care of themselves and feel good with each other

[basil67]

The people who suggest a higher IQ person probably think they will be part carer and part girlfriend. But it doesn't work that way. A high IQ person isn't going to be intellectually satisfied with a low IQ person. I think he should go after someone who he likes who is also compatible with him, who understands and appreciates him.

 

Does he go to a supported work or day program? Or social evenings for those who have a disability? He's more likely to meet someone there.

[BettyDraper]

<snip>But after years of trying, he hasn't been able to find one woman of a normal IQ that is interested in him. What do you think?

 

I hope you realize that many people on the autism spectrum have high IQs. The impairments in social functioning are not due to stupidity.

Edited February 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[alphamale]

<snip>

But after years of trying, he hasn't been able to find one woman of a normal IQ that is interested in him. What do you think?

does he have any serious medical issues besides the autism?

Edited February 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Garcon1986]

Plus - you will find someone who will likely understand your brother's autism.

Cons - you will probably have a hard time getting him to bring up the next generation.

 

Pros of dating a non-autistic lady - she might be patient enough to complement the weaknesses in his personality.

Cons - very difficult to find a lady patient enough to put up with autistic behaviors.

[justwhoiam]

Should my autistic brother date women who are also autistic or no?

 

He should date anyone who feels like dating him. That means you don't run around finding dates for him. If it doesn't happen, you shouldn't force it. So I wouldn't understand your involvement.

 

 

You can read this: https://www.verywellhealth.com/autistic-adults-as-parents-4147325

[ironpony]

Well he keeps asking me to help though. Like he is literally asking me to help him get better at getting dates all the time. Should I just not get involved and ignore him then, if he really wants my help? He keeps asking me to help him find someone, so what should I do then?

[elaine567]

I hope you realize that many people on the autism spectrum have high IQs. The impairments in social functioning are not due to stupidity.

 

 

He has according to the OP the functioning level of an 8-9 year old, whether that is purely due to autism or not is unclear.

Not many "normal" women are looking for a man with that level of disability.

[ironpony]

Well he seems that way socially, but he's really good at math and machines, which makes him good at his job, that I don't think that any 8-9 year old could do. But he seems around 8-9 in social situations, yet feels lonely and inadequate and wants a romantic relationship still.

 

And he keeps asking me to help, so I am not sure what to do.

[todreaminblue]

Well he seems that way socially, but he's really good at math and machines, which makes him good at his job, that I don't think that any 8-9 year old could do. But he seems around 8-9 in social situations, yet feels lonely and inadequate and wants a romantic relationship still.

 

And he keeps asking me to help, so I am not sure what to do.

 

 

geniuses can have a hard time dating....

 

seems your brother suffers socially(common to autism because of lack there of concerning empathy and mostly poor social reading skills) and maybe not intelligence wise issues with your brother.....the cure for that is take him out to places and hobbies he would feel relaxed with around others...gradually...and see how things go without forcing them to happen...you might enjoy the time with him also to get to know him better...than you do...find out what he is into..guide him to groups that have females who like the same things........deb..

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I feel I have gotten to know him pretty well, and all, but will of course keep hanging out with him and trying to introduce him to new things and all.

 

Do you think it would be better for him to date autistic women as well, around his same intelligence level, and that might be better for him, as oppose to dating women who think that his IQ is too low for them?

[todreaminblue]

Okay thanks. I feel I have gotten to know him pretty well, and all, but will of course keep hanging out with him and trying to introduce him to new things and all.

 

Do you think it would be better for him to date autistic women as well, around his same intelligence level, and that might be better for him, as oppose to dating women who think that his IQ is too low for them?

 

autism doesnt necessarily mean low intelligence so i cant say yes to that because they may have a higher intelligence than you could imagine....there are inventors who are autistic....temple Grandin was one autistic female inventor who changed the face of the meat industry and how they transport cattle to the killing room...awesome movie by the way...i watched this show about dating special people...and special people dating....and one autistic guy went to a dance with others like him with disabilities and had a whale of a time built his confidence up because young women were putting their phone numbers in his hand.....

 

check out autistic groups in your area and see what they have to offer in as far as social activities is my suggestion....deb

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, I will check it out. What show was that?

 

And yeah I see what you mean about high intelligence, it's just most people I think, think he has low intelligence, and I think a lot of the women would too unfortunately.

[todreaminblue]

Okay thanks, I will check it out. What show was that?

 

And yeah I see what you mean about high intelligence, it's just most people I think, think he has low intelligence, and I think a lot of the women would too unfortunately.

 

next time a woman thinks your brother is of low intelligence throw these names at her.....

 

Dan Aykroyd – Comedic Actor

Hans Christian Andersen – Children’s Author

Benjamin Banneker – African American almanac author, surveyor, naturalist, and farmer

Susan Boyle – Singer

Tim Burton – Movie Director

Lewis Carroll – Author of “Alice in Wonderland”

Henry Cavendish – Scientist

Charles Darwin – Naturalist, Geologist, and Biologist

Emily Dickinson – Poet

Paul Dirac – Physicist

Albert Einstein – Scientist & Mathematician

Bobby Fischer – Chess Grandmaster

Bill Gates – Co-founder of the Microsoft Corporation

Temple Grandin – Animal Scientist

Daryl Hannah – Actress & Environmental Activist

Thomas Jefferson – Early American Politician

Steve Jobs – Former CEO of Apple

James Joyce – Author of “Ulysses”

Alfred Kinsey – Sexologist & Biologist

Stanley Kubrick – Film Director

Barbara McClintock – Scientist and Cytogeneticist

Michelangelo – Sculptor, Painter, Architect, Poet

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart – Classical Composer

Sir Isaac Newton – Mathematician, Astronomer, & Physicist

Jerry Seinfeld – Comedian

Satoshi Tajiri – Creator of Nintendo’s Pokémon

Nikola Tesla – Inventor

Andy Warhol – Artist

Ludwig Wittgenstein – Philosopher

William Butler Yeats – Poet

 

 

all autistic peeps...there has been studies about the correlation between autism and artistic genius.........seems that list sort of proves the theory......

 

 

the show was called

The Undateables

was running on the abc i believe...quite watchable and inspiring tv.....the name might belie the shows' good intentions ....but its good tv i feel....

 

any woman who feels your brother is of low intelligence and she is of higher intelligence...is not right for your brother anyway.....he needs a woman to see his wonderful qualities and look a bit deeper than his social awkwardness.....a young woman who notices what is in him not what he "supposedly"lacks....i wish you luck check out groups you might be surprised what is around for your brother....does he collect anything....??

[ironpony]

He collects video games. That is another thing though, is that he spent perhaps too much money on the collection and I think he needs to find a woman who doesn't think he is foolish with money probably.

 

A lot of the celebrities you mention have high functioning autism though, and I think maybe why my brother is not perceived that way, is that he has low functioning autism I think.

 

As for these groups, I couldn't find much where I live. There is an autistic dating site, but it only had two members in our area, so I am having trouble finding resources like this.

[elaine567]

"There are a number of stereotypes about autism, including the widespread belief that autistic people are endowed with extraordinary intellectual capabilities. There may be some highly intelligent individuals who display some characteristics that casual observers deem as autistic, but studies have not pointed to a structural or functional link in the brain between exceptional intellect and autism. In fact, recent studies that measure intelligence in autism point to a tendency toward lower than average objective measures of cognitive aptitude among those with autism. "

Neurology Times

[littleblackheart]

From the study

 

A recent Chinese study examined 27 autistic children for intelligence evaluation with the Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children Fourth Edition and also for facial recognition.1 When compared with age-matched controls, the ASD group had significantly lower scores on full intelligence quotient, on verbal comprehension, perceptual reasoning, processing speed, and working memory.

 

1. 27 kids is a ridiculously small sample data size

2. These kids are being tested on things they are already bad at because of their diagnosis (facial recognition, perceptual reasoning, processing speed, executive functioning).

 

It's almost like the outcome of the study was already decided... You'd get to the same conclusion if you put a bunch of people who don't speak English and ask them to sit an English test, then evaluate their intelligence based on the results.

 

These kinds of studies help reinforce a stigma (I'm not saying that's your intention, elaine), not understand autism better.

 

OP, I have high functioning ASD, which means I've been able to learn social skills cognitively on my own by observing and mimicking.

 

There is no way around this - this is what your brother needs to do.

 

What you can do is take him out with you and your friends, and let him watch how it's done (assuming you / your friends have good social skills too). He may not pick up the social skills he needs to find himself a partner despite all best efforts; just bear that in mind. At your level, other than be supportive and give him some concrete social skills tips, there's not a lot else you can do.

Edited February 17, 2019 by littleblackheart

[elaine567]

But is does make sense if there has been no functional/structural link found between exceptional intelligence and autism.

Some people with autism will be highly intelligent but others will be of average or poor intelligence, just like every one else.

We can point out exceptional members in just about any group, but a few exceptional individuals do not make it "the norm".

 

Autistic individuals, high functioning or not usually suffer from deficiencies in social skills and communication, have difficulty concentrating due to stress or becoming overwhelmed, and are often devoted to order and routine and may have habits that are seen as odd to others.

 

Yes, we can all say these things should not matter, but dating is a competitive game and those things tend to matter a lot in reality.

[littleblackheart]

dating is a competitive game and those things tend to matter a lot in reality.

 

Except the link you gave talks of autistic people being less intelligent, based on a skewed assessment. That's not the same thing as breaking down the myth of autism and high intelligence at all.

 

The fact is, that plenty of non autistic people struggle a lot with dating too. This is not an autism-exclusive issue; poor social skills is not the domain of autistic people, and some autists can learn better than non-autists.

 

Besides that, intelligence isn't really that much of a determining factor universally, in terms of finding a partner.

What would help is better understanding of what autism actually means, not sticking people into boxes.

Edited February 17, 2019 by littleblackheart

[elaine567]

We don't know how intelligent the OP's brother is but as he functions like a 8-9 year old according to his brother, then that is not really conducive to dating "normal" women in their late twenties.

He needs professional help here IMO.

[Olivia_daviss]

Just keep him motivated and keep looking I'm autistic and dating a pro sportsman some find it cute but those who don't probably aren't worth his time anyway I'd say wait keep him motivated however "bad" he is someone will like him

[preraph]

Yes, I think he should be part of a support group for autism and meet a woman there because depending how extreme he is (it's a low-to-high scale) most women can't relate.

[Olivia_daviss]

Littleblackheart is right I also have high functioning autism and I learned my social skills my mimicking my sister you just need to be a good role model for him and also do you have a partner if so is that why he wants one?