He reached out, still waiting for something to happen

[Lisa_Lisa]

Hi guys, hope you can help me decipher something.

 

 

I had a situationship with a guy I really liked/still like, but it ended in mid-October. When he texted me he's sorry, but he has to be true to himself, I wrote, "Ok, I respect that. No hard feelings. Be well too."

 

 

He wrote to me that if his life plans don't work out, he'd still like to see me, blah blah blah. It was a text I didn't put too much stock in because after that he was gone.

 

 

I blocked him on Snapchat and Instagram then unblocked him because it turned into automatic "unfollows" and I was fine with that. A week later he added me and sent me a Snapchat and then disappeared until Christmas Eve where he followed me so I followed him and he liked a photo. He didn't wish me a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year when the time came.

 

 

Then on Friday, the 4th, he sent me a text basically saying, "I miss you, I want to keep in touch with you. More importantly, I still want you and hope to continue doing us....."

 

 

I waited until the next day to reply and said, "Better to just go with the flow, don't cha think? Let me know." He replied and said, "sounds good beautiful."

 

 

Monday, he sent me a "sun" and "goofy" faced emoji to which I thought maybe he was just concluding the earlier convo then two minutes later i got another "sun" and "goofy" face emoji. I thought maybe his phone automatically sent that on its own, sometimes there's a delay or a message repeats itself.

 

 

Tuesday, I got another "sun" and "goofy" faced emoji and I just found that weird. I feel like he deliberately sent that this time, but why? Why those emoji's? Why doesn't he use words like he did last time? Is he going to set a date? I don't want to do it because I don't want to look desperate. But now I can't get him out of my mind, he was always on my mind, but now the anticipation of receiving another text is stronger.

 

 

When will he text again? Should I have just texted a date to meet and catch up? Why the emoji's? What is he waiting for? I feel deep down he will text me again to meet up, but I wish I knew when it would be.

 

 

Any advice?

[nolanola]

Someone on here (endnote) turned me on to a good podcast called the Art of Love by Lucia. It's very empowering. I recommend it. Her thing is that if you are the one that was broken up with, you should wait for clear signals from your ex that they want to get back together before you invest anything. So messages like "what's up" "how are you" or whatever don't deserve a reply. Also, she recommends that you do not put forth effort at all. What you said about how you should have said this or said that made me think of this.

 

I would just wait for him to say something concrete. I mean, right now he's sending you emojis. How lazy can a person be? He can't even type out "I want to see you" or "Let's get together"? If I were you, I would wait until he says something like this. If he really misses you and wants to see you, he will make more effort.

 

I'm saying this assuming you want to get back together with him. If you just want to be casual friends and you don't care, then by all means ask him to get together. But if you want to be back in an actual relationship with him, then I would make him put forth some effort.

[Fekenaws]

Sounds like he's keeping you on the back burner to me. I'd make it clear that you're not going to wait for him and that you are moving on, if he thinks he can come back whenever he's done messing with other girls. Don't let him keep you on a leash

[PRW]

He doesn't know what he is doing from one moment to the next. He probably reaches out to you each time a new girl dumps him. He doesn't come across to me as emotionally strong and centered. If he was a strong guy he would just try to make a date, but instead he just dances around the bush and acts timid. He probably wants you to be The Leader and ask him out,...I don't recommend it. If he is not man enough to be in control of his life you will just end up frustrated with him and lose respect for him in the end.

[basil67]

He wrote to me that if his life plans don't work out, he'd still like to see me, blah blah blah. It was a text I didn't put too much stock in because after that he was gone.

 

You should have put a lot of stock in that text - it was beyond insulting. How much clearer could he have been about you being second place to his other thing in life? When it comes to relationships, you need to aim for better than this.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to set much higher standards for yourself, OP, and forget this guy.

 

You're sadly just his back-up when other women aren't giving him the attention he wants or when he gets dumped. He will leave you in the dust again when the next one catches his eye. Your previous threads about him make that abundantly clear.

 

Please, give yourself the gift of greater self-worth this new year. This dude isn't back for the right reasons. My guess is that the English woman he's in love with has gone back to England, so now he wants some no-strings attention and affection. He uses you.

Edited January 16, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[Lisa_Lisa]

Thanks for your replies, everyone. I appreciate your words.

 

 

In the last three months since he left, I hibernated the first two and this month have finally been getting out of my funk.

 

 

I've been doing self-love meditation and have been kind to myself. Because I feel I lack confidence (especially when I was around him) I took up public speaking classes and I'm currently on my 2nd class, we're going slow to build. I'm also taking comedy classes to build my confidence up even more. Friends and family have told me I'm good and they can't wait to see me perform on stage.

 

 

 

I guess he's just my Achilles heel. Since he left he's eluded to getting back together and I haven't dated, talked to, or even slept with anyone else. Part of me is waiting and when I got that text I felt so "complete." Bad choice of words I know.

 

 

The fact that he wants to see me makes me happy, but also I feel like it's a challenge because he thinks he's dealing with the old Bittersweet. I feel like a growing, new person that wants to show herself off. Right now he thinks things will go back to what they were.

 

 

I can't change how he sees me right now, I can only change how he treats me. My plan is to obviously meet up and chat, go home. Book the next date before the first one ends to meet up again and do some activity. I kinda want to ease in to some casual dating before sleeping together again. I'm not going to let him cajole me, manipulate me, or anything because he left me anyway, if he goes away again then it won't matter.

 

 

I'm also trying to date even though I'm not really feeling it. Just meeting different men and going out and having a nice time puts me at ease and builds my confidence in feeling wanted and desired. It lifts my energy.

 

 

So I'm taking care of myself: mind, body, and soul. I just want to see him again, go out with him, laugh together, and yes, I want him to make love to me. But if he leaves again then so be it. No fear.

 

 

 

I don't want to be afraid of what people might say, I don't want to cower in shame at someone criticizing me or feel hurt. I'm building up so much self-love that I can say, that's your opinion and keep it moving.

 

 

 

Oddly enough, strangely enough, and crazily enough he put me on this path. He was a bit critical and I got emotional and he'd say stop being so reactive or insecure. I blamed him for making me feel that way, but with my internal building, I feel like his words or criticisms won't matter. I do have to stop being so reactive. I shouldn't throw temper tantrums. I'm not a child, but at the same time I will tell him how I feel as gently and sternly as I can.

 

 

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I guess right now I just want to be in touch and see what happens. No expectations.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Ok, so he reached out again and said he can't wait to see me and when am I able to so I wrote back that I'm away this weekend, but maybe next and let's go to the museum. I've been wanting to go there..happy face emoji.

 

 

This is my own internal challenge: getting him to go out with me and do things. We may never have a future together, but he sure as hell makes me so happy.

 

 

 

I think you'll all agree I'm a fool, aren't I?

[Morello]

You're not a fool at all. However, I do think it's not accurate for you to say you have no fear of him leaving again.

 

You obviously do. And this is what ruins the potential reconciliation sometimes. All the insecurity, the overthinking that comes with it. If you truly didn't care, your posts above would be quite different or they might not even exist.

 

It's very human to feel what you're feeling, the hope, etc, but just acknowledge your feelings. You can try to act more aloof and 'secure' to him but have in mind that this can set you back big time if it doesn't go your way. And in terms of reconciliations or second chances, they most likely don't have a happy ending.

[ExpatInItaly]

You’re not a fool, OP. The only person you’re fooling is yourself, at the end of the day.

 

You know exactly what you’re signing up for with this guy. You know what his deal is. You know that more than likely your heart is going wind up in the blender again, but you’re hoping against hope it will be different this time. It almost certainly won’t.

 

You can’t change how anyone treats you, him included. You can only change your reaction to the treatment. And so far, you’ve shown him repeatedly that he can leave and reappear at will, talk to other women while he’s with you, and you’ll take it.

 

Personally, based on your other threads about him, I think you’re making a huge mistake letting him into your life again.

[Mrs._December]

So you're basically pen pals who send each other silly emojis or texts or SnapChats like teenagers do because they don't know how to communicate unless they're hiding behind a keyboard.

 

Is he THAT horrifyingly busy that he can't call you and talk to you like a human being, rather than childishly sending texts and smileys? Ugh. I wouldn't waste my time with such a coward. I honestly wouldn't.

[Lisa_Lisa]

You are all correct. What if my feelings for him theoretically diminish, but we continue seeing each other, and since I won't care what he does or who he talks to, it won't affect me. I suppose the only real way to do this is to stop giving him power over my emotions. If I enlarge my circle with men, i.e. have a rotation of men I date and spend time with then someone new will catch my eye and this guy won't matter to me as much.

 

 

 

Isn't that the way it goes?

 

 

Or am I doomed to have deep feelings for him as long as I keep him in my life....what if the armor builds where I just don't care anymore. I guess by then there won't be a need for the threads?

[ExpatInItaly]

You are all correct. What if my feelings for him theoretically diminish, but we continue seeing each other, and since I won't care what he does or who he talks to, it won't affect me. I suppose the only real way to do this is to stop giving him power over my emotions. If I enlarge my circle with men, i.e. have a rotation of men I date and spend time with then someone new will catch my eye and this guy won't matter to me as much.

 

Going by your recent history with him, I'd say the likelihood of that is just about nil.

 

It sounds like you've been doing pretty well for yourself since he broke it off last time for his English woman. I would strongly caution you against undoing all your progress and setting yourself up to get hurt all over again.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Thanks, and you're right.

[losangelena]

You are all correct. What if my feelings for him theoretically diminish, but we continue seeing each other, and since I won't care what he does or who he talks to, it won't affect me. I suppose the only real way to do this is to stop giving him power over my emotions. If I enlarge my circle with men, i.e. have a rotation of men I date and spend time with then someone new will catch my eye and this guy won't matter to me as much.

 

 

 

Isn't that the way it goes?

 

 

Or am I doomed to have deep feelings for him as long as I keep him in my life....what if the armor builds where I just don't care anymore. I guess by then there won't be a need for the threads?

 

What deep feelings are these, exactly? Didn’t you say in another thread that your feelings for him were just sexual?

 

I don’t understand your angle here.

 

Okay, the sex was good at a certain point, but after a while it wasn’t. He’s been very honest with you about his lack of desire for you outside the bedroom. What do you hope this will turn into?

 

Listen, I like casual sex, too, and I’ve had some pretty intense experiences with guys who will **** so passionately. It can be a mind trip. But you gotta kinda distance yourself from someone like that because it’s not good for overall mental health. I don’t know how you can carry on a FWB situation for a whole year. I can usually go three rounds before I either get tripped up or bored.

[preraph]

To be blunt, kinda sounds like he was off chasing someone else but now he's horny again. Do you think he scheduled sending you emojis as a way to try to maintain you without any effort?

 

I just think in general, him telling you he has to do him is a way to just avoid any obligations or commitment at all and just play the field and not have any responsibility, so I think it's a waste of your time. I think if he works himself up to asking to get together for a hookup, I'd tell him, Nah, you go do you...all by yourself.

[nolanola]

I think I missed something in there somewhere. After he sent you the initial text and followed up with some emojis, how did it jump to you guys getting together? What were his exact words?

 

I have to agree with the other posters here. I think you are setting yourself up to get absolutely demolished. You are clearly not over him and therefore can't see him without your emotions getting involved. If you feel you really, really, really want to do this and don't care if he burns you again, I would advise you to spend time with him in the daytime and whatever you do: DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. He will probably try and what he does after you refuse him will give you a really good idea of what he's after. If he is willing to spend time with you doing non-sexual things (especially if they have NO chance of being sexual - like the museum) then maybe there is some hope here. But I fear he's going to be long gone when it becomes clear he isn't getting laid.

 

This is just me, but seeing "sounds good beautiful" reminds me so much of my player, toxic ex that it makes me want to break out in hives.