Wife left me for lack of sex

[The Waylander]

First time poster here. Have been lurking for some time and am a big fan of the community.

 

This is a bitter pill to swallow and I'm embarrassed to speak out on it.

 

My now separated wife (6 months now) and I have been married for 2 years but have lived together for 10. We're good friends, we trust each other and love each other. There was never any emotional, verbal, or physical abuse and we usually saw eye-to-eye on many things. The dark chapter in this love story is that we've been sexually innate for a good part of our relationship, mostly due to a psychological condition stemming from past sexual abuse committed against me by my own father.

 

I've tried to seek help, both psychologically and medically. I'm seeing a therapist now and have been under prescribed medication since she first left 6 months ago. When I had asked her to come back (she's staying at her girlfriend's house), she complied but only stayed with me for 2 weeks, saying it was too soon and that she was still checked out, though noting she saw some huge improvements in me. Before leaving, she affirmed that she wanted a divorce. That it was too late. After she left, I must have stared at the wall for a good 2 hours in silence.

 

Since that time, I've continued with my therapy and medicine. Been going to the gym a lot, catching up on my reading, and making new friends. On my part, there've been no communication with her or her family, who've been trying to reach out to me occasionally. She had texted me once out of the blue but I ignored it. Shamefully, I've also been going out a lot and inviting different women over to my place and have been intimate with them (no intercourse, however).

 

Now, the rub.

 

I bumped into her at my favorite hangout the other day. She couldn't have caught me at a worse time as I was drunk from Jameson shots. She said she wanted to come back, that she missed me and the life she had, but I was belligerent and defiant. I responded, "You wanted a divorce, you're getting the divorce." Tearfully, she asked if I was willing to throw away years of our commitment to one another, over a sensitive issue that I had seemingly resolved, and I reminded her that it was she who made that call. True, our marriage and sex life were on life support, but it was her decision to pull the plug.

 

Now, I have no doubt she's been with other men in the time we've been separated, particularly given her motivation to leave me in the first place. In her defense, I've been with other women while she was away.

 

My question to all of you: Is this a marriage that can be saved? Or is this something we both need to learn from and move on.

 

Thanks in advance.

Edited January 15, 2019 by The Waylander

[darkmoon]

move on to what?

 

 

 

you will not get that many women crying over your love, so be glad of it and go back with her

[MetallicHue]

She gave you the life line. I would suggest trying to have a serious discussion about what each of you want when not drunk. It seems like she generally wanted you back. If you sober now want her too I suggest you make a move ASAP.

[Simple Logic]

Pick up the phone after you read this and call her.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

My question to all of you: Is this a marriage that can be saved? Or is this something we both need to learn from and move on.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Lots of beating around the bush, but you never quite come out and say what you want. Knowing what you know now, are you interesting in working on rebuilding your marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

A marriage can almost always be saved, especially if both spouses want to save it. The Jameson shots were most likely talking for you, telling her something you couldn't say when you were sober. Call her and talk about it. The only other advice I would give is to keep working on yourself not for her, but for you. Much luck!

[The Waylander]

move on to what?

 

 

Move on with my life, whether it be alone or otherwise?

 

Pick up the phone after you read this and call her.

 

Thanks. I did just that right after your post. She didn't pick up but I left a voice mail apologizing for my state at the time.

 

As for the rest, thanks for your advice. I've opted to discontinue the union. Personally speaking, a commitment is a commitment, and unless there's abuse or betrayal involved, there's no justification for walking out on a spouse. I believe in working things out, not "taking a break" or having a "time out" or whatever else measure that practically equates to abandonment. 6 months is a long time for me.

 

I'll be contacting my lawyer this week.

 

Appreciate all the input.

Edited January 16, 2019 by The Waylander

[Twizzlestick]

OP

 

So sorry to hear of your pain and relationship breakdown. Just a thought. Before you press the nuclear button is it worth sitting on your hands and taking a little moment to think?

 

Something to consider. You, through no fault of your own have found difficulties that naturally placed strain on you both when introduced to the relationship. Granted it became too much for her. We’re all only human and fail, but she’s willing to admit her failure, come back to work on it and not give up on you both.

 

I appreciate its highly hurtful when someone leaves us, and causes trust issues when someone ends things, but maybe take an exterior perspective that this lass who wanted out because things weren’t right is not giving up on you so could be worth you coming together? Sounds like you had good stuff that’s was hard won over the years.

 

Often times we become fixated on “betrayal” or “loss of trust” and these things can become massively amplifying, like a triangulation point in our lives that force us into a self made corner. When in fact, down a different road you might look back in years and it seems a Meer bump in the road.

 

Just a thought. Our inner chimp gets us to act out of principle or emotion. And then the chimp leaves us hanging down the road and we’re left with regret. Just take a moment to think. You might be able to overcome this.

 

But your feelings are yours and you know if this isn’t something you can come back from.

 

All the best with it.

[zouz71]

Isn't also a betrayal when a wife leaves irrespective if she was seeing another man or not , abondment is a betrayal .

 

 

I am not saying that OP should get a divorce , but IMO unless they work it out really and he gets very solid background , he shouldn't reconcile .

 

 

best

[The Waylander]

OP

 

So sorry to hear of your pain and relationship breakdown. Just a thought. Before you press the nuclear button is it worth sitting on your hands and taking a little moment to think?

 

Something to consider. You, through no fault of your own have found difficulties that naturally placed strain on you both when introduced to the relationship. Granted it became too much for her. We’re all only human and fail, but she’s willing to admit her failure, come back to work on it and not give up on you both.

 

I appreciate its highly hurtful when someone leaves us, and causes trust issues when someone ends things, but maybe take an exterior perspective that this lass who wanted out because things weren’t right is not giving up on you so could be worth you coming together? Sounds like you had good stuff that’s was hard won over the years.

 

Often times we become fixated on “betrayal” or “loss of trust” and these things can become massively amplifying, like a triangulation point in our lives that force us into a self made corner. When in fact, down a different road you might look back in years and it seems a Meer bump in the road.

 

Just a thought. Our inner chimp gets us to act out of principle or emotion. And then the chimp leaves us hanging down the road and we’re left with regret. Just take a moment to think. You might be able to overcome this.

 

But your feelings are yours and you know if this isn’t something you can come back from.

 

All the best with it.

 

I really appreciate your genuine response.

 

Stewing over things never helped and only embittered me more towards the whole ordeal. I sought to empathize with her position and in doing so I ponder if the roles were reversed -- if she were struggling, would I have walked out? The answer is no. I can say that with great confidence and assurance because she suffered from multiple physical disabilities that caused strain to our relationship, and all I felt was great concern and fear for her. If I could do it, why can't she? I never balked at treatment; I never refused help. It just took a while to find the right one but by then it was too little too late. She saw the improvements but she said it was too late, she had nothing left. Now she's been gone for 6 months and only wants to return after she misses me? That's not right and I refuse to play it by those rules.

[JuneL]

One important question I would ask is: Did she encourage you to get help, both psychologically and medically, before she pulled the plug 6 months ago? If you had refused to seek help for your sex issue, then I wouldn’t blame her for leaving.

 

Also, were you able to do other sexual activity besides intercourse with her?

 

Edit to add: Just saw your reply above, and I understand your position.

Edited January 16, 2019 by JuneL

[thefooloftheyear]

My feeling is she's getting remorseful over the potential of lost stability she had with you...But even if she stays, unless you become the sexual dynamo she wants(which is probably unlikely), she'll wind up being intolerable...

 

Id be careful with what you do at this point...Think this out carefully..

 

TFY

[elaine567]

I agree TFY.

OP,

NO sex for years from you, will have taken its toll on her.

She loves you, but that was not enough then and it will not be enough now or in the future.

Keep moving on.

Too much water has flowed under that bridge.

[JuneL]

It’s really hard to say whether you would or would not leave her if you were the one who has been deprived of sex for years and didn’t see the end of the tunnel. You mentioned she has had a few disabilities; but I don’t think they’re limiting her life in a major way, if she can go out dating men and having sex with them. I remember a poster who willingly married a woman he loved who had been abducted for a few years and who was abused sexually daily during those years. This man chose to leave his wife at the end for their lack of sex (despite very intense therapy for the wife), and the wife committed suicide not long after. It was a very very tragic story.

[preraph]

I'm not sure how sustainable the relationship is now even with sex, but since it's a marriage, why not give it one more try. Trouble is, she may be too used to just being friends with you now for it to even work sexually, but on the other hand, it's what she's wanted so it would be nice to try for awhile and see.

[preraph]

P.S. I was in a noncommitted relationship for some time with a guy who had ED also because of molestation. I think if she's willing, it would be healing just to be able to have sex with you and know you want to but couldn't. At the very least, it would be some sort of validation and relief and fulfillment, I would think. But be careful not to let the dating around on both sides get in the way, and agree to terminate that entirely while you are trying this out.

[The Waylander]

I appreciate all the input from you guys. My resolve is pretty much fixed on the matter. I've made an appointment with a lawyer to get the ball rolling. I really did love her with everything I had despite my shortcoming, but anyone who would walk away after 10 years of unwavering devotion and utmost respect while trying everything in their power to fix ther personal issues isn't someone I can trust again. If she wanted a break for 2 weeks or something like that to get her head right, I would have been cool with it. 6 months isn't a break; it's a break up. I might as well stay single if the only person I can rely on 100% is myself.

 

Anyway, I appreciate all the responses. You've all been helpful.

Edited January 17, 2019 by The Waylander

[Nosexleadstodivorce]

 

I've opted to discontinue the union. Personally speaking, a commitment is a commitment, and unless there's abuse or betrayal involved, there's no justification for walking out on a spouse.

 

Appreciate all the input.

 

 

 

 

This may come across as harsh, and I really do feel sorry about your past abuse, but I think you need to hear it for your future self or else you will just end up in another dead-end situation. So with that warning, here goes.

 

 

 

You are completely and utterly wrong and it is crap for you to try and throw it all on her. No sex is plenty of reason for walking out! And no sex IS betrayal! You betrayed the intimacy a couple is supposed to have. You are the typical low sex drive partner that never sees it as their fault. But let me tell you, those of us on the receiving end know what it feels like to be sex deprived. It destroys our whole world, our very being. So instead of sitting there smugly blaming her you need to look in the mirror and realize you crushed her very soul. And I'm not telling you this because I think you should have some startling revelation and get back together. I absolutely do not think you should get back together. You won't make her happy. But you do need to realize just how important this is to some people and you should never, ever marry another woman that likes sex if you can't fix this low sex drive you have. Find someone else that is asexual.

[Nosexleadstodivorce]

This may come across as harsh, and I really do feel sorry about your past abuse, but I think you need to hear it for your future self or else you will just end up in another dead-end situation. So with that warning, here goes.

 

 

Dang, that was harsh. I tried to edit it but I guess I waited too long. Look, it's a shame what happened to you. I can't even imagine what such a thing does to a person. But I do know what sex deprivation does and my own anger about that came through my post. To be deprived of sexual intimacy really is just too much for a lot of us and at some point there is no fixing the damage done. Even if my wife changed she can never make up for the 25 hellacious years I have spent in sexual frustration hoping beyond hope that she might some day become a sexual person and that's why I will leave when all the kids are on their own.

[Fugu]

First time poster here. Have been lurking for some time and am a big fan of the community.

 

This is a bitter pill to swallow and I'm embarrassed to speak out on it.<snip>

 

Piling on late but figured I'd offer a take anyway.

 

Here's how I see it: Yes, your marriage can be saved, but you will have to continue your therapy, and she will have to be patient. You will have to meet in the middle. You'll have to try to up the sex a little more than you might be comfortable doing now, and hopefully therapy can help you with that. But she'll also have to accept that she'll probably have a little less sex than she might desire, ideally.

 

You should NOT be embarrassed or ashamed by this -- this is a very common problem in relationships. Probably one of THE most common, actually. It's just that people don't go around talking about it with people they know in real life. Men are especially vulnerable because of the societal associations between male virility and masculinity, which are often unrealistic.

Edited February 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Fugu]

Dang, that was harsh. I tried to edit it but I guess I waited too long. Look, it's a shame what happened to you. I can't even imagine what such a thing does to a person. But I do know what sex deprivation does and my own anger about that came through my post. To be deprived of sexual intimacy really is just too much for a lot of us and at some point there is no fixing the damage done. Even if my wife changed she can never make up for the 25 hellacious years I have spent in sexual frustration hoping beyond hope that she might some day become a sexual person and that's why I will leave when all the kids are on their own.

 

I think it was obvious to everyone that you were projecting your feelings into that post. We get that you're angry and want to lash at out people, but the poster wasn't looking for anger; he was looking for help.

[Nosexleadstodivorce]

I think it was obvious to everyone that you were projecting your feelings into that post. We get that you're angry and want to lash at out people, but the poster wasn't looking for anger; he was looking for help.

 

 

No, I don't want to lash out at "people", and I think you are pathetic to write that. I just wanted this guy to see that it was largely HIS fault, NOT hers. So even though it came across as harsh I stand by what I wrote. My second post wasn't taking that back. And the help HE needs right now is to realize HE drove her to this.

Edited February 4, 2019 by Nosexleadstodivorce

[Turning point]

Well, I wonder what provisions there were for intimacy versus sex? I have plenty of sex drive but, I know can live without sex. I would not survive very long without intimacy.

 

Principles be damned. 10 years or 20 minutes - there's no statute of limitations on human connection, or making amends.

 

OP, do you want to be right or do you want to be loved?

 

I can't help but think that sex is not really the issue here, and neither is abandonment .

Edited February 7, 2019 by Turning point

[Fugu]

No, I don't want to lash out at "people", and I think you are pathetic to write that. I just wanted this guy to see that it was largely HIS fault, NOT hers. So even though it came across as harsh I stand by what I wrote. My second post wasn't taking that back. And the help HE needs right now is to realize HE drove her to this.

 

He was also sexually abused.

 

You think I'm pathetic, eh? Oh really? Well I guess you, being the selfish, narcissistic emotional midget that you are failed to pick up on that bit. Like I said, mate, you projected. You took someone's experiences and cry for help, and you superimposed your own bitterness onto the situation of a stranger whose life experience is quite different from yours. Well done, mate. Well done indeed. Look in the mirror: you're probably no fun to be married to, which might explain the lack of sex.

[Turning point]

I'm suggesting this situation is not all about sex, mostly because you've been together for 10 years, married for 2 years.

 

Why now? Opportunity is the easy answer but, what other supportive relationships exist for you outside of this 2 year marriage and 10 year friendship? What other than these difficult issues became central in your lives?

 

What changed for both of you in expectation and reality when the friendship became a marriage?

 

She wants back in, which doesn't fit at all well with the stated reason for leaving. She would be returning to the same sexless marriage.

 

Love is not sex. We can profoundly love platonic friends, parents and children etc. all with no thought about sex. Sex is a both a conduit and product of our romantic unions but, it is not what binds us.