This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[DKT3]

The words say I dont want this, but what are your actions saying. Just like being in the affair this isnt just happening. You are actively creating the opportunities to "run" into this guy or being places you know he might be.

 

No accountability, at this rate you will be fully engaged with him in no time. What's to stop it? You clearly aren't.

[Naivewomen]

@elaine, I bring my boss coffee every morning and that's where he wants it from. We only have Starbucks near me and my boss hates that coffee. Mm knows this.. he knows this is my stop every morning.

 

@DKT3 I have done everything to stop this affair. I have not reached out since August. It's the only place for the run in and I'm there like clockwork every day. He knows this and know exactly when to avoid it. He hasnt been to that place in months. This is not on me.

[DKT3]

@elaine, I bring my boss coffee every morning and that's where he wants it from. We only have Starbucks near me and my boss hates that coffee. Mm knows this.. he knows this is my stop every morning.

 

@DKT3 I have done everything to stop this affair. I have not reached out since August. It's the only place for the run in and I'm there like clockwork every day. He knows this and know exactly when to avoid it. He hasnt been to that place in months. This is not on me.

 

It actually is on you...first off, as mentioned before consequences for your affair means changing aspects of your daily life. I could see running into once, after that....Secondly, you are carrying on conversations, why? What are you looking for?

 

This is why reconciliation normally fails when the BS is unaware, no accountability. If you were able to hold yourself accountable there would have been no conversation.

 

I know you will struggle to comprehend this, because, well you still have interest and haven't fully embraced ending this thing for good.

[Amethyst68]

MM keeps coming back because you are engaging with him. In one of your posts you say the pair of you 'just say hello to each other' when he turns up. That is not NC, NC would be not acknowledging his presence, no eye contact and definitely no speaking, he's not a stranger, he simply doesn't exist!

 

 

Your marriage did not fail because of him, it was your poor choices and decision making that has led you to this point. It's past time to take responsibility for your actions in more than just words. I know you probably won't do it but I think you need to tell your BH, the reality check may help clear your head.

[elaine567]

You could go 5-15 minutes earlier and invest in something to keep the boss's coffee warm.

As you husband has no idea then it is going to be difficult to use any strong arm stuff ie call the cops or get an order to get him to leave you alone.

[mark clemson]

I imagine this is very triggering for you, NW, which is unfortunate. From what you wrote above it seems like you are trying to take the correct approach in NC.

 

Suggest following up on the suggestions above regarding eye contact, changing the time you go in slightly etc. as they should help.

 

Hopefully the hint gets taken. If not you may need a few additional adjustments and creative solutions. There's usually a workaround for things if one thinks about it for a while.

[Bittersweetie]

You are not going to want to hear this....but I agree with DKT3. This is on you, naivewoman. You made the choice to have an affair. You made the choice to not tell your H. There are consequences from all those choices.

 

You HAVE to go to the coffee shop at that time? No. You have choices. You can go earlier or later. You can see if there is someone else who can stop at that coffee shop, at least a few times a week. See if you can order in advance then just go in and pay. There are consequences to your actions and telling your boss you can no longer get his coffee every day may have to be one of them. Be creative to find a different solution, and for pete's sake, stop interacting with him when you do see him. So what if you're rude. Do you still care what he thinks?

 

ETA: After an affair, nothing is the same. I think sometimes WS who make the choice not to confess work on getting everything "back to the way it was." But the reality is that nothing will be the same...even if no one knows. Usually it is the internal that changes...but also the external needs to change too. You have a routine...but if that routine is now bringing you in contact with xMM, the routine has to change if you are serious about changing. And the fact is that xMM is not going to make the changes...you have to.

Edited February 16, 2019 by Bittersweetie

[pepperbird]

op,

I know this might sound odd, but in a way, this mm has actually given you a great gift.

He's showing you just how little value he places on you and how little he actually respects you. He knows you no longer want to see him, and that it is hurtful to you when he does come sniffing around. Does that stop him? No.

To me, if you love someone , you want what's best for them and also you will respect their wishes. He is doing neither. The take away from that? It's all about him his ego and his needs. your don't register.

 

 

I understand you not wanting to come clean with your husband, but that does limit your options in how to deal with this. In your shoes, I would do the following:

If you have a fiend or someone else who knows about the affair, you can have them send him a " no contact" email. In this, let him know that if you see him continuing to try to contact you, you will contact his wife and talk to her about it. ( if he's married) . If not, tell him you will contact law enforcement.

My guess? You'll never hear from him again.

Also, the suggestions made about changing your routine are helpful. He can't bump into you if you aren't there. I'm not into gourmet coffee, but would your boss be okay if you got a coffee maker for the office and you could make it for him in house?

[pepperbird]

also,

if you think of situations where you might bump into him and make a list, you can go through it ahead of time and create your response. That way, you will be fully prepared and not caught off guard. Do this as much as you need to, and you'll soon have a built in "habit" for rejecting his advances and attempts to engage you.

 

 

each time you do this, make a mental note of what worked. The more often you do it, the easier it will be.

[Naivewomen]

Thank you everyone for your comments above. I will definitely avoid this man now. We had closure and etc. There is nothing left to say. I was really upset again about his lack of care by reappearing again. His ego is tarnished because I walked away. He is completely unempatheic to my feelings. I will avoid any further contact and will try this week to get there at a different time. I DO NOT want any further contact!!! I understand that I made some bad choices and I am trying to do a better job in my marriage. It has been quite difficult!! I want to recommit to my marriage and I have taken steps in the right direction. I am still hurting very deeply. I have so much negative emotion from all of it. I am just hoping for some better days and less depression.

[Zona]

I will .... We had closure ... I was really upset again .... His ego is tarnished because I walked away. ... my feelings. I will avoid .... I DO NOT want any further contact!!! I understand that I made some bad choices and I am trying to do a better job in my marriage. I want ... I have taken .... I am still hurting very deeply. I have so much negative emotion from all of it. I am just hoping for some better days and less depression.

 

Just an observation here. Notice how many times you refer to yourself and your feelings? Once you can start to feel empathy for your husband and your children, and begin to fathom how your betrayal will affect them, then I think you will be in a better place.

 

How is IC going? Do you feel like your IC is pretty much NOT holding you accountable for your actions? A councilor who is nothing more than an enabler is worse than useless. You won't be able to grow as a person and a wife and mother until you really face the issues that allowed you to do this, and there is an extremely high chance it will happen again the future unless those issues are resolved. I still think that telling your husband would be the best thing you could do, but realistically I realize that few wayward spouses ever confess without being caught.

 

Without proper IC, If you end up divorcing your husband, you will likely find yourself in exactly the same position in your next relationship. By the time you realize this had nothing to do with your husband and everything to do with you, it will be too late. The damage will have been done. Nobody likes to hear about their failings/faults/problems and really dwell on them, but my wife has had the courage to do it over the last year, and it's made her a better and more authentic person. She has much better boundaries with her male co-workers which is critical.

[DKT3]

Zonal, that is the problem in most cases here, there always seems to be this cloud of someone else's fault looming just under the surface. She really takes very little responsibility for her actions. These run ins with MM is a perfect example of that. Not her fault, her boss makes her, he knows I'm going to be there and so on. Affairs dont just happen to unwilling people, and coming out of one getting to an authentic life again doesn't just happen to unwilling people. She was perfectly willing to have the affair and not willing to actually end it and move towards being truly authentic. She hides behind not my fault and too painful. This mindset will keep her stuck. We actually have a WW who has been stuck in this situation for two decades. Sadly, she believes it has had no impact on her marriage.

[Amethyst68]

Unless the OP has changed IC then her IC actually encouraged the affair because the MM may have left his wife and they could have lived happily ever after!

[Aloha123]

I still give you tremendous credit for 6 months NC and for not caving when you did see or hear from him. Progress not perfection. You are light years ahead of me in this journey.

[Naivewomen]

@Aloha!! I am making small progress. I have no intention of breaking NC ever!! I just want this to be put in the past and I want to completely heal from the emotional trauma. Then I can concentrate on the brutal treatments I gave to my spouse. What I have done is not forgivable. I honestly dont know how my H has stayed so far. I just want to try and make him happy but I have to fix myself. I'm a work in progress. I will not give up! My family depends on me now and I realize how selfish I was.

[DKT3]

How do you know that your husband isn't already gone? I asked you this before and you never responded.

 

To share a small sample of my story...there was a point where I knew my wife cheated, I asked her, I fought with her, I demanded the truth, then I gave up. I started to separate our history and lives together, I bought a condo, filed papers and lied to her everytime she asked how we were doing. "Everything is fine" then I was gone. She was totally blindsided, I now wish I had done it differently.

 

If you read stories here, and other sites like this, you will find that my exit strategy is a common one with men.

 

My point being, you may not have time. I know you like so many other WSs believe you've been amazing at covering your tracks, but unless your husband is simple minded after five years he has an idea of what you've been up to. May not be willing to admit it to himself or accept it but he isnt clueless.

[Naivewomen]

@Dtk3

I am sure my H still has no idea what happened. He buried his head in the sand to just think this is the we version of his marriage. I have finally come out of my fog. Goodness I read hundreds of threads from OW so broken and so torn. One women almost went into a mental institution. Their are no words for my poor choices and for the lack of integrity and respect to my family. I am choosing today and for the remainder of my life to live it through love, respect and honesty. I'm hoping my mistakes have given me the opportunity to grow the Fxxk up!! Realize the damage I have caused and to live genuinely now. I will do my very best to repair some of the cracks. Whatever my destiny will be will be in God's hands. I cant tell u how much I had prayed even during the affair for GOD to help me. I believe it was right in front of my face the whole time and I let evil overshadow!! I see the light finally!!

[Zona]

NW,

 

Having my WW become truly remorseful has taken a little bit of the sting out of it for me. Even though your husband doesn't know, he will still appreciate your change in attitude.

 

Best of luck to you.

[DKT3]

You dont bury your head in the sand if there isnt something you are avoiding.

 

I not looking to set you back, but it's only words. Just a few days ago you were still unable to not hold a conversation with mm. Now in just a short time you've seen the light?

[assertives]

I too feel you ought to come clean with your husband if you are really serious in making your marriage work. It's better he hears it from you than from someone/somewhere else. When that happens, he will question if everything you have done afterwards in your attempt to reconcile have all been a lie as well, not genuine, and only out of guilt. It is important that the foundation of the marriage is not built on a lie.

 

You can't begin to live an honest life with respect if there is something that you are hiding. Pray and ask God to give you strength and courage. Going by your days thinking that this is a secret that you and your mm will take to your graves is a very dangerous assumption and a risk to take. Remember, there is nothing hidden that won't be revealed, and there is nothing secret that won't become known and come to light.

[Zona]

I not looking to set you back, but it's only words.

 

That's the thing, while she may feel like she has the resolve and motivation to finally end the affair for good and go about making things right with her family, we all know how easy it is to fall off the wagon and give into temptation in a moment of weakness.

 

NW, at the very least, I would suggest you find yourself an IC that is experienced with infidelity, and that can help you with the issues that made you feel it was OK to cheat. And don't get bogged down with shame and self-loathing as that will slow or stall your progress.

 

 

Confessing would make everything more real but it's not the easiest thing to do.

[stillafool]

Thank you everyone for your comments above. I will definitely avoid this man now. We had closure and etc. There is nothing left to say. I was really upset again about his lack of care by reappearing again. His ego is tarnished because I walked away. He is completely unempatheic to my feelings. I will avoid any further contact and will try this week to get there at a different time. I DO NOT want any further contact!!! I understand that I made some bad choices and I am trying to do a better job in my marriage. It has been quite difficult!! I want to recommit to my marriage and I have taken steps in the right direction. I am still hurting very deeply. I have so much negative emotion from all of it. I am just hoping for some better days and less depression.

 

It might be worth it to invest in a coffee maker so you don't have to go to the coffee shop at all.

[stillafool]

I will not reopen this door. I have come along way into healing. I had hit rock bottom and picked myself up from this nightmare. I have to go to that location. I stop there every am before work for 6 years. He only came their to see me. He knows the small window of time that I am there. He has no business being there. I am taking a deep breath as suggested.

@amethyst. He called me in December from a foreign number and caught me off guard. The conversation was light. He admitted calling to just hear my voice and tell me he misses me. Then nothing until he showed up twice in January and now again on Wednesday. He catches me off guard. I'm not looking for him or calling him. He knew my marriage was failing as his was thriving. Selfishly he wanted to see my marriage collapse because of him and then he would have run for the hills. Hes a piece of work.

 

When a number pops up on your phone that you don't recognize just ignore it and don't answer. That is what most people do anyway and it would seem if you are avoiding someone you would certainly go that route. Just don't pick up for unknown numbers. Just because you have been going to a coffee shop for 6 years doesn't mean you have to continue going especially when your marriage is a stake. I agree with Amethyst that you need to stop talking about MM and direct your thoughts elsewhere when he enters your mind. Why not start talking about how you can fix your marriage. Let that occupy 90% of your thinking and conversation?

[stillafool]

Zonal, that is the problem in most cases here, there always seems to be this cloud of someone else's fault looming just under the surface. She really takes very little responsibility for her actions. These run ins with MM is a perfect example of that. Not her fault, her boss makes her, he knows I'm going to be there and so on. Affairs dont just happen to unwilling people, and coming out of one getting to an authentic life again doesn't just happen to unwilling people. She was perfectly willing to have the affair and not willing to actually end it and move towards being truly authentic. She hides behind not my fault and too painful. This mindset will keep her stuck. We actually have a WW who has been stuck in this situation for two decades. Sadly, she believes it has had no impact on her marriage.

 

This is because it's easier to blame others than to look at themselves as a "bad" person. They still want to feel innocent. The husband gets blamed first, then MM, then MM's wife and then their childhood.

[Naivewomen]

I am not blaming anyone but myself. I caved to temptation and established major feelings for MM. I should have stopped myself when I realized my life was in ruins. I have maintained NC now and feelings emotionally stronger. I understand the consequences and have a long road ahead. I am refocused on my family. My H has been more receptive to me and inturn things are improving. My husband did not deserve this and I was very selfish.